Young Writers Society

My name is Calvin Gray
and I'm a kid, I'm also a fugitive, and I'm also superhuman

For as long as I can remember I have been part of an malicious program known as The Fate Institute a place where kids like me come some willingly some by force. The Institute takes you and molds you into a superhuman monster demanding you to kill, steal, and destroy anything that oppress them and their goals this being so nobody has ever stood up to the Fate Program until now.........I'm no longer Calvin Gray and I'm no longer a kid I'm Porter the superhuman fugitive.




[i]This is was just a beginning i was thinking about not sure if i like it or not but i do want to get some other opinions so please feel free>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> thanks

Hello, hello, mes amis, welcome to YWS!

As for your piece. It's very short so there's not much to say about it.

However . . .

My name is Calvin Gray

and I'm a kid, I'm also a fugitive, and I'm also superhuman

Nice hook; good job. But the second part is grammatically messed up. A much better phrasing would be "and I'm a kid, a fugitive, and a superhuman." You don't need all the extra words like "also."

For as long as I can remember I have been part of an malicious program known as The Fate Institute a place where kids like me come some willingly some by force.

You're missing quite a bit of punctuation here! What you need: "For as long as I can remember, I have been part of a malicious program known as The Fate Institute, a place where kids like me come; some willingly, some by force."

You had this problem in the next sentence, too. Study up on your comma placement; you're missing a lot of them.

Also, you don't need the "an" before "malicious." "An" is only used when the following word begins with a vowel, i.e. "an apple."

Once you get your grammar down, it'll be a lot easier for people to review what's so much more important: the plot, the characters, everything that makes a story a story. You seem to have an interesting plot going here, but no one's going to be able to read it if you don't write it so that it can be understood.

Keep working on this.

And keep writing!

-Hawkie-

Bonjour, mon amie! (Mes amis would be many friends xD)

Well, this is... short.
Post more next time! There's hardly anything to critique, but I'll try...

My name is Calvin Gray
and I'm a kid, I'm also a fugitive, and I'm also superhuman

The "also" parts become very repetitive.
Try: "My name is Calvin Gray. I'm a kid, a fugitive, and a superhuman."
But! nice hook. Short, snappy, it got my attention.

an malicious

A malicious.
An comes before a vowel, e.g -- an orange, a cat.

I have been part of an malicious program known as The Fate Institute a place where kids like me come some willingly some by force.

Whoooa, slow down! That is a run-on sentence.
It should read: I have been part of a malicious program known as the Fate Institute, a place were kids like me can choose to go. Of course, not everyone had a choice."

See how much better that flows?
Just break this up into different sentences, please.

The Institute takes you and molds you into a superhuman monster demanding you to kill, steal, and destroy anything that oppress them and their goals this being so nobody has ever stood up to the Fate Program until now

Mmk. This makes no sense. At all. Read this out loud. Does it flow to you>? It should be several sentences.
Also, I think this is too much telling. It's the first paragraph and I already have been told all this stuff about my character's background. I'd rather see Calvin in action at the Fate Institute.

.......

Ellipses only need three periods. ...
Mkay?

.........I'm no longer Calvin Gray and I'm no longer a kid I'm Porter the superhuman fugitive.

Again, this is a run on.

I'm sorry but this really does call for a re-write. Grammatically, this makes no sense. But you have a good plot going. I'd like to read more.

Good luck and happy editing,
Antigone

I think that grammar is an issue and I agree that it needs to be re-written. For example:

.........I'm no longer Calvin Gray and I'm no longer a kid I'm Porter the superhuman fugitive.

There needs to be a comma in here, it just doesn't flow very well. Perhaps after the word kid, or you could just start a new sentence, to put more effect onto the bit that says:

I'm Porter the superhuman fugitive.

I liked how it reminded me of Heroes.

Hey Fates ^^ I'm Shina, and I'll be your reviewer this evening

Welcome to YWS!

My name is Calvin Gray

I'm sure your teacher has told you that "My name is (inserthere)" is elementary school, yes? Well, it doesn't only go for school, but for real writing also. The hook (first sentence of a story) is a very important part since it introduces a reader to your story, it's basically the window to your world.

You have to make sure it captures their attention and it has to be unique. Something about it has to draw them in or else they'll toss your book back on the shelf and find something else.

Hooks usually start where the action is or during an event. My teachers taught me how to use a W.A.D.I.W.I. beginning. Where, Action, Dialogue, Introduce a Character, When, Interesting Comment.
It really helped for the proficiencies and when I was new to writing, maybe it'll help you.

and I'm a kid, I'm also a fugitive, and I'm also superhuman

"And" and "Also" are repetitive. You need to find a way to show this instead of just telling the reader all of these things. There's no conflict. Even though the MC is a kid and a fugitive, he is a superhuman, and you say it so plainly, which ruins the suspense.

For as long as I can remember I have been part of an malicious program known as The Fate Institute a place where kids like me come some willingly some by force. The Institute takes you and molds you into a superhuman monster demanding you to kill, steal, and destroy anything that oppress them and their goals this being so nobody has ever stood up to the Fate Program until now.........I'm no longer Calvin Gray and I'm no longer a kid I'm Porter the superhuman fugitive.

Ellipses are only three periods But I'm sure you'll get the hang of it after using YWS for a while.

I think this is a decent outline, but now you need to flesh it out into a story... which might've been what you said, but I guess I wasn't paying attention O_O I apologize if you said that and I totally ignored it. I think the new bands on my braces and the fact that I have the eat things like a moron is distracting me xD

Just make sure to expand on the plot!

-Shina

I liked the idea of an organisation that trains kids to be superhuman, or as you said “Moulds” the kids into super humans. I liked the idea that the character has escaped and is now a fugitive. I think you should have put in a little detail about him though but apart from that very nice.

All the best.