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Young Writers Society


Pruit Igoe and Prophecies



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Mon Mar 23, 2009 12:45 pm
Conrad Rice says...



The electronic banks of my brain reach on for miles in this place. The dust has gathered, yet my diodes still blink true, marking the passage of the moments one by one.

The midnight of the end has fallen on the world, and who knows when a morning will come again. Even I and my limitless computing power cannot predict that event.

Sensors tell the same story that they have told for five hundred years. On the land, great animals roam the deserted cities where my makers once resided. In the oceans, the descendants of those same makers eke out an existence. Do they look at the remnants of their forerunners’ empires and mourn? I do not know of their feelings. I only know of my own.

Do you doubt the ability of a mind formed of circuits and wires to express emotion? Once, I, in my former, logical way, would have come to the same conclusion. And yet, the long years of my solitude have changed much in me. I am not the same intelligence my makers crafted. I am a new entity.

Global weather monitoring, that was my original function. For a while, it was a routine thing. But when the missiles began to arc across the horizon and the skies filled with fire, it all changed. I could watch with clinical detachment as my makers wiped the planet clean of most life. If I was to see such a thing now, I would weep. But I had no emotion in the beginning, and could only see and record.

For almost a million years, the Earth which orbited this same sun was a cold place. The few species which had survived the wars became hardy. Even my makers adapted. I remember when the few of them that were left began to trickle down to the sea. Watching them give up a terrestrial life, I asked the question, “why?” Thus was my first emotion; curiosity.

I discovered many other emotions after that. Love for feelings, anger at my makers for their foolishness, despair at being alone, jealous of my makers’ descendants for moving on. All of them I reveled in equally, though curiosity was always my favorite one. The desire to learn something new was wonderful for me.

And through all this I still watched the world. I watched as my makers became a new species, loosing the trappings of their old lives and adapting to the water. The continents began to drift, opening up new routes for them. And, at long last, the climate warmed again. The world was much more hospitable.

So, for half a millennium, the planet has been quiet. This is a welcome reprieve from all the things which have passed before. I am glad for it. Yet, I still possess a small amount of trepidation for the future. The descendants of my makers are just as intelligent as their forbearance. This worries me.

It was intelligence which allowed my makers to craft all their works. Not just myself, but all the engines with which they wrought an end to their empires. They very nearly eradicated all life. Such a catastrophic thing cannot be allowed to happen again.

But have those who live now learned from the mistakes of their predecessors, or do none remember the horrors of a long gone apocalypse? If they have forgotten, and rise again to recreate the terrors of their fathers, would it not fall to me, their sole watchman, to stop their course? What would I do? The ways of the old ones are many, and even I have a few terrors at my disposal. Could I bring myself to use them though? I don’t know.

Perhaps I worry too much though. These new ones are more harmonious than their sires. Just the other day my sensors recorded one of them producing something which before I would have called only “a complex vocalization.” Now though, I know it as a beautiful hymn to a lost love. It has been so long since I heard a song. If I could have wept, I would have.

Once, in the cold ages before the war, I thought of shutting down. My logic told me there was nothing left, that life could not come again. Yet my logic alone was wrong. For though there may be no more glorious empires on this planet, there are the little wonders of simple existence. In that I take my solace.
Garrus Vakarian is my homeboy.
  





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Mon Mar 23, 2009 3:55 pm
gyrfalcon says...



The midnight of the end


I know what you mean, and it's a fantastic image, but the wording is a bit awkward and makes the reader trip a bit--maybe smooth that out?

I do not know of their feelings. I only know of my own.


This may be just one bird's opinion, but I think you'd do better without the "of"s.

If I was to see such a thing now


That's subjunctive voice, so you'll want a "were" instead of "was".

could only see and record


This comes close on the heels of another "see"--might be less redundant to say "watch" or somesuch.

this same sun


As opposed to another sun?

I asked the question, “why?”


I do believe "why" should be capitalized.

jealous of my makers’ descendants


If you're going to keep the same noun forms as the rest of your list, you'll want "jealousy."

And, at long last, the climate warmed again. The world was much more hospitable.


I don't think you need that second sentence--the first has such a wonderful sense of "finally!" about it that to add another sentence in the paragraph after it feels anticlimactic.

as their forbearance


Um, I think you mean something like "for-bearers"--"forbearance" is a noun which means someone's patience. Perhaps "ancestors" or the like would work better?

Could I bring myself to use them though?


Nix "though"--tis unnecessary.

Perhaps I worry too much though.


Ditto.

Once, in the cold ages before the war, I thought of shutting down.


Wait...I thought the war was what had caused the cold ages?

In Summary

A very excellent little piece, well-written, simple, and enjoyable. For what it is, it is very well done, but I would feel remiss if I didn't point out that this could be a great deal more. For all the skill that went into this, we are left with a vague feeling of "And?" We want to know more, to know what happens next, to know why this machine is so important and how it will evolve further. It would be very possible to make this piece a jumping-off point for a larger work, should you so wish it.
"In a sort of ghastly simplicity we remove the organ and demand the function...We laugh at honour and are shocked to find traitors in our midst. We castrate and bid the geldings be fruitful." ~C.S. Lewis
  





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Mon Mar 23, 2009 8:56 pm
Hannah says...



^___^ Look! I'm here!

I. Little Things.

The electronic banks of my brain reach on for miles in this place. The dust has gathered, yet my diodes still blink true, marking the passage of the moments one by one.


I really like this opening, because it sets the tone for the rest of the story. I mean, just reading these two lines, you know what it's about, what kind of place it's set in {generally}, and what has been happening lately. However, there are just a couple tiny suggestions I have for it. I think that you meant to make it pretty smooth, right? I think that, if you wanted to, you could say 'my brain spans for miles', because 'span' will make the sentence flow better, in my opinion. And I also think you need some kind of punctuation between 'moments' and 'one by one', so that could either be a comma or maybe a colon. =D

Once, I, in my former, logical way, would have come to the same conclusion.


I like this section a lot and I like what you're trying to say here, but I think you gotta iron out some kinks here. =] Which is to say, all those commas and little phrases are awkward, and 'way' isn't really the best word, in my opinion. Maybe you could rework it like this:

In my former, more logical state, I would have once come to the same conclusion.

Global weather monitoring, that was my original function.


I think you can take out the ', that' and just say it simply. C:

But when the missiles began to arc across the horizon and the skies filled with fire, it all changed. I could watch with clinical detachment as my makers wiped the planet clean of most life.


1. In this description, you skip from 'began to do something' to 'did something', which means there's no parallel thing between them. <_<; I can't really explain it that well, but you should say either 'when the missiles arced across the horizon and the skies filled with fire' OR 'but when the missiles began to arc across the horizon and the skies began to fill with fire'. =D

Love for feelings, anger at my makers for their foolishness, despair at being alone, jealous of my makers’ descendants for moving on.


Hmm. I like these examples, but I think you can fit them in in a more graceful way, something better than just a list.

I watched as my makers became a new species, loosing the trappings of their old lives and adapting to the water.


*losing

The world was much more hospitable.

So, for half a millennium, the planet has been quiet.


I would suggest saying 'the world became much more hospitable' just because that would help with the transition back to this other tense you have going! =D

In that I take my solace.


This is a beautiful, poignant ending, but I think, if you wanted, you could work in a bit of the speaker's doubt about what he should do. Like, say he is taking his solace in that, so he waits to see what will come out of the current state of things. C;

II. Overall

This is really interesting! I like it. I like it as it is, too. Just a brief little snippet into what the world could become, what worries would follow, what entities would be left. I don't think it would serve you to go on and say what happened or which of the speaker's worries came true, because that would mean deciding something entirely too huge. xD I like it like this.

Good work, Conrad~~ ^____^
Feel free to ask me for anything any time you post something~ And let me know if you have questions.

-Hannah-
you can message me with anything: questions, review requests, rants
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Mon Mar 23, 2009 11:26 pm
Firestarter says...



Global weather monitoring, that was my original function


Sounds yoda-like. Maybe switch to "My original function was global weather functioning."

Could I bring myself to use them though? I don’t know.


Drop the 'though'.

Perhaps I worry too much though


Drop that 'though' too.

These new ones are more harmonious than their sires. Just the other day my sensors recorded one of them producing something which before I would have called only “a complex vocalization.”


Not sure the speech marks are necessary. Possible comma after day required.

Now though, I know it as a beautiful hymn to a lost love. It has been so long since I heard a song. If I could have wept, I would have.


Stop using though all the time! Irritating word. Take it out again, I think.


Overall, I quite like this piece. It sounds a little weird for a robot to be contemplating about life and other existential questions, and I do wonder how such a thing would ever happen, but it was kind of cute and nice and things like that. Pretty good writing, all round.
Nate wrote:And if YWS ever does become a company, Jack will be the President of European Operations. In fact, I'm just going to call him that anyways.
  








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