Young Writers Society

"I hear a merchant ship docked yesterday," Sal said. "They had the most beautiful gems, or so Myra says."

"Didn't you look for yourself?" I asked, and mentally kicked myself.

Sal waved the question aside. "We can go now. There ought to be some left." Without waiting for a reply, she took the corridor to the Market.

"Wait up!" I shouted. "That's not fair!"

The shops were bustling today. Merchandise from across the galaxy was displayed in shop windows and in open-air stalls. Sal headed towards a place called Jewelry, Etc. I lingered near a display of exotic fruit, then heard her impatient call: "Aiden!"

Hurridly snatching up a bright-red sphere, I paid the shopkeeper and followed Sal inside.

"Ah, customers!" The owner, a plump, silver-furred Tirellian, rubbed her paws together. "What can I do for you fine young people?"

"We'd like to take a look at your wares," Sal replied.

"Excellent. We have a fine selection from Earth, Maxwell's Star and others." As she spoke, she gestured at various pieces.

I examined a pale-blue etherite crystal set in a silver pendant. "How much is this?"

"A perfect choice! It matches your eyes." The merchant purred her satisfaction. "Five hundred credits, that is."

I winced. Five hundred would leave me short on money for a while. Still, I could manage.

Weighing the value in my head, I saw that Sal was admiring a tigerseye pendant. It would go well with her tunic, I thought.

"Well?" I turned to find the merchant eying me.

I brought out my credit card. "I'll take it."

She beamed. "I knew you would! I have a good eye." She ran the card through a scanner.

Across the shop, Sal had come to a decision. Loosely danling from her hand was a gold bracelet inlaid with pearls. The center was a crimson garnet.

"That's very nice," I said.

"Yours is too," Sal replied. "I'm surprised she let it go for so little."

I shrugged. "Who knows? Maybe it's because of my youth."

Sal laughed. "And good looks," she teased.

I feigned shock. "What a compliment! I'm honored."

That set her off again. Then she sobered. "I really do like you Aiden.
You know that, right?"

"Yes," I replied. I took her hand and kissed it. "Let no man come between us, though we be worlds apart."

This is a truly astounding story. I have not read any of the earlier parts before but from what I have seen here, this is masterpiece. However, there is one little part that sounds slightly awkward.

I pretended shock.

In my opinion, it would be better as 'I feigned shock'. Aside from that, this flows very well. Keep up the great work!

Hey Stori! I think this is the story you were talking about, right? Anyway, here goes!

Stori wrote:A/N: in this version, Aiden doesn't suffer an attack when he's out with Sal.

"I hear a merchant ship docked yesterday," Sal said Insert some sort of action here. People don't just stand around talking. Have her brush some hair out of her eye, or describe the landscape or something. Just a sentence, not too much, but it will definitley add to the story . "They had the most beautiful gems, or so Myra says."

"Didn't you look for yourself?" I asked.

Sal waved the question aside. "We can go now. There ought to be some left." Without waiting for a reply, she took the corridor to the Market. Show us how your MC follows her. Is your MC frustrated that she's leaving again with such abruptness. Show us a bit more about it.

The shops were bustling today. Merchandise from across the galaxy was displayed in shop windows and in open-air stalls. What type of merchandise? What did it look like? Sal headed towards a place called Jewelry, Etc. More description, I'd like to really see whata they see

"Ah, customers!" The owner, a plump, silver-furred Tirellian, rubbed her paws together. "What can I do for you fine young people?"

"We'd like to take a look at your wares," Sal replied.

"Excellent. We have a fine selection from Earth, Maxwell's Star and others." As she spoke, she gestured at various pieces.

I examined a a pale-blue etherite crystal set in a silver pendant. "How much is this?"

"A perfect choice! It matches your eyes." The merchant purred her satisfaction. "Five hundred credits, that is."

I winced. Five hundred would leave me short on money for a while. Still, I could manage.

Weighing the value in my head, I saw [s]that[/s] Sal [s]was[/s] admiring a tigerseye pendant. It would go well with her tunic, I thought.

"Well?" I turned to find the merchant eying me.

I brought out my credit card. "I'll take it."

She beamed. "I knew you would! I have a good eye." She ran the card through a scanner.

Across the shop, Sal had come to a decision. She chose a ruby set in gold. Show us instead of telling us

"That's very nice," I said.

"Yours is too," Sal replied. "I'm surprised she let it go for so little."

I shrugged. "Who knows? Maybe it's because of my youth."

Sal laughed. "And good looks," she teased.

I pretended shock. "What a compliment! I'm honored."

That set her off again. Then she sobered. "I really do like you Insert comma Aiden. You know that, right?"

"Yes," I replied.

Overall:

Stuff that could use some work:

I'm not sure if I just came into the middle of this story and, if I did, I apologize. If this is the beginning, you need to give a lot more description of this world you're creating because it felt as though you dove right into the center of something. If not, then your readers already know exactly where you are and it's fine that you don't describe exactly how this world works.

Where Am I?: Setting, setting, setting. I had a lot of trouble picturing exactly where you were taking us. There was very little description. Tell us about the sights, sounds, smells, something to really pull us into your world.

The Three Ds: Dialogue, Details, and Description. You've got the dialogue pretty down pat, but I can't say the same about details and description. Frankly, we need a lot more because without them, we feel lost. Like I said above, show us where we are so we can be a part of this world too!

Show Us A Story: Some Areas in your story are very telling. For example instead of saying "Sal came to a decision" say "Sal flounced over to me, her eyes sparkling. Her hands clutched around a golden red ruby, the light catching the sharp edges of the jewel in the dim sunlight." See the difference? Try to do that for the entire piece.

Reactive?: I did not feel as though Aiden reacted at all to what Sal does. Does Aiden want to shop too? Show us more about him. It's as though he doesn't even exist in the story. Give us more of his feelings, his actions. Show us his frustration, his happiness, his shyness, something that gives us an indication that he is still living and breathing in this story and didn't get sucked in a dark hole somewhere we can't see him.

What Is the Story About: If I were to answer the question of "What this story is about?" I don't really know what I'd tell you. I'd probably say it's about two kids going shopping for jewelry. I couldn't find an internal or external conflict for that matter. Try and really understand what your characters are about, what they want and fear, who they are, what they care about. It will definitley give more of a purpose to the story in general.

Conclusion, What We've Got: Okay, this chapter didn't have any conclusion to it whatsoever. It felt as though it just stopped too abruptly for my taste. Make it longer, give us insight into your character, your environment, etc. Also, it feels very skeletal meaning there are so few details it just has the few ideas and sentences to keep it moving. Barely. Flesh it out. Give it more muscle, and then maybe the story will be able to walk on its own.

Good Job and keep up the great work! Sorry if this sounded harsh at all, I just want to help! PM me if you have any quesitons!

Nice job. I few issues that I'll critique.

1. The story lacks description. The reader has no idea what the characters look like or where they are. In my head, Sal and Aiden were floating in a blank purgatory. Tell us more about them.

Mentally I kicked myself.

I'm pretty sure you need a comma after mentally, but maybe not...
But why is he kicking himself? Did he want to buy her one? Maybe you and Aiden know the reason, but I don't!

silver-furred Tirellian,

Maybe you know what a "Tirellian" looks like, but I can only guess.

Loosely dangling from her hand was a gold bracelet inlaid with pearls

I fixed the typo here.

All in all, good job. Not much happened here, but I'd like to see where it goes.