z

Young Writers Society


Mutts - Insides



User avatar
922 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 42011
Reviews: 922
Thu Oct 23, 2008 11:30 pm
GryphonFledgling says...



8/18/08

004 – Insides

There were only six board members present, but the meeting room was small and so Mallory felt as if she were being crushed. Her spotless starched lab coat was squeezing her like a boa constrictor and the room felt like the Sahara. All eyes were on her as she showed slide after slide of data on the screen. Her laser pointer’s batteries were dying and so she had to resort to pointing with her hands, which involved standing in front of the screen and having the projector shin graphs on her forehead. It was not going well, in her opinion. She was going to kill Geoff for making her do this.

The scariest member of the board was not the head, Mr. Carter, but actually the manager of financial divisions, Mrs. Oakley. For such a spinster, first-grade-teacher name, Mrs. Oakley was thirty years old and had a figure Mallory would have killed to have. She was a widower and the rumor was she had killed her husband for the insurance money. She was the one who would be handling the budget sheets for this operation, and if Mallory didn’t pitch the concept right, it was Mrs. Oakley who would cut funding. Mallory was really going to kill Geoff.

“And so, ladies and gentlemen,” Mallory continued, pointing to an elaborate number sequence that was the official title of the Mutts project, “the only thing standing between our successful experimentation and a marketable product is the fertility issue.”

A tall, thick man – Mallory had forgotten his name – raised his hand like a school boy.

“I thought you said the subjects were fertile, able to produce offspring.”

“No, sir. I said they could gestate an implanted embryo successfully to birth, however, they are unable to reproduce through natural means. They’re infertile.”

The broom-thin Mr. Jude took a delicate sip of water from the glass in front of him and spoke up.

“Why not leave them infertile? It would make population control much easier, as well as selective breeding.”

Mallory swallowed, her mouth dry as sandpaper. This was the tricky part.

“That option has been considered and on paper, it seems to be the best option. However, to make the Mu… to make them a viable option to some countries, natural reproduction will be the only option. Population levels can be controlled through other methods. Of course, other forms of reproduction could always be used, but at least natural will always be an option if it comes down to it.”

The board members conversed among themselves for a moment, leaning across the table towards each other and murmuring in low tones. The last to separate were Mrs. Oakley and Mr. Carter. Mrs. Oakley apparently had a lot to say, because Mr. Carter waved her impatiently into silence so he could speak. She sat back with a sullen scowl.

“How exactly do you plan to proceed with this new line of experimentation?”

Something inside Mallory swelled. It wasn’t a ‘yes’ in as many words, but it was Mr. Carter’s version of an affirmative. She had done it. As long as she could make the financial options attractive, the new budget was as good as given. Geoff owed her big time.
I am reminded of the babe by you.
  





User avatar
157 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 4198
Reviews: 157
Sat Oct 25, 2008 1:54 am
Bickazer says...



Sorry for the kinda-late review...and the worst thing is, I wasn't even that busy. >_> I just...didn't feel much like reviewing until now.

There were only six board members present, but the meeting room was small and so Mallory felt as if she were being crushed.


The "and" is unncessarry.

Her spotless starched lab coat was squeezing her like a boa constrictor


I don't like the use of "was squeezing", but it works within the context, so...I guess I'm being too picky. >_> And perhaps the boa constrictor needs something to constrict--"like a boa constrictor suffocating its prey"? O_o

so she had to resort to pointing with her hands, which involved standing in front of the screen and having the projector shin graphs on her forehead.


This is a veeeery awkward sentence. I understand the point you're trying to make, but the way it's phrased is confusing. And I think you left an "e" off "shine". :D

For such a spinster, first-grade-teacher name, Mrs. Oakley was thirty years old and had a figure Mallory would have killed to have.


"Despite having a name like a spinster first grade-teacher"? Hmmm, but that makes the sentence overladen with "haves"...but I dunno. The first part doesn't flow well.

Mallory was really going to kill Geoff.


"Really" is weak...instead of just saying "she really wanted to kill Geoff", why not describe how she's going to do it? Like, does she want to stab him, or strangle him, or dangle him over a crocodile-filled river and let them take chunks off him? Like that. It evokes a stronger image in the readers' mind, and emphasizes the extents of Mallory's unhappy position.

pointing to an elaborate number sequence that was the official title of the Mutts project


I don't like the "that was"...but I can't think of anything to replace this. >_> I'm a horrible reviewer, aren't I, always nitpicking but never being able to offer any suggestions.

The broom-thin Mr. Jude took a delicate sip of water from the glass in front of him and spoke up.


Mallory swallowed, her mouth dry as sandpaper.


Nice use of figurative language.

Mrs. Oakley apparently had a lot to say, because Mr. Carter waved her impatiently into silence so he could speak.


A few too many adverbs here (pot calling kettle black...)

It wasn’t a ‘yes’ in as many words


I don't know what this is supposed to mean. Sorry...>_>

Geoff owed her big time.


Again, instead of saying "big time", try to emphasize what he owes her. Lunch for two? A new car? Something like that. XD

Overall: To be perfectly honest...I didn't like this as much as your last one. :( Sorry. It's probably because I haven't bothered reading a lot of the other ones (shame on me!) so I don't know much about your overall universe or how this story ties into the universe. So it's probably my fault...(hell, I don't even know what the Mutts were originally made for...oh, shoot me). So it might just be me.

I'm also not really seeing how the title ties in to the story--I like how your titles don't directly refer to the story (i.e. they aren't title drops...while I like titles like that, I can also appreciate the more subtle kind), but are still connected with the overarching idea in the story. This title, though, I'm not really seeing how it connects to the events of the story. Again, that might be me just not having the read the other stories. Perhaps the title has some significance I just don't understand because I'm ignorant and I haven't...

Yeah, I feel like there's a certain something I should do...perhaps this weekend...
Ah, it is an empty movement. That is an empty movement. It is.
  








I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
— Mitch Hedberg