Young Writers Society

5/19/08

007 – Days

January 25, 2086

I got an 89 on my Algebra test today. Mrs. Todd says there was going to be a five point curve, but everyone did well enough without it. I wish she had kept it. It would have been my first A this year. I swear, the first A I get, I am going to frame and hang up over my bed. Mom and Dad would freak out when they got home.
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January 26, 2086

Ashley was arrested today. They came right into the classroom and dragged her off. I won twenty bucks in a bet with Jack. I told him they’d find out about her. She’s been selling dope behind the dumpster for three months.
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January 28, 2086

I got a phone call from Mom today. I was at school, so she left a message. She still doesn’t remember about the time zone thing. It was all scratchy and I could barely hear some of it, but it was nice to hear from her.
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January 29, 2086

I’ve got a few minutes before school. The new bus driver is probably lost again. Our school still hasn’t bought the smart buses.

I miss Mom and Dad. I really do. I remember when they first were called up. I though it was unfair, that I was the only kid in the neighborhood to have both my parents drafted. It’s ‘cause Susan was legally an adult and I’m only a year away. I feel bad for Susan. She has to wait a year to start college because of me. If Mom hadn’t signed up for the reserves, this wouldn’t have happened.

Bus is here. Gotta go.
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February 2, 2086
Michael asked me to the Valentine’s Day Dance!
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February 3, 2086

I just wish everyone would stop fighting. With the war, the kids at school, and me and Susan, I just feel like we’re all going to tear ourselves apart.

Later…

Susan’s got a stomach bug and is throwing up in the bathroom. I feel bad for yelling at her earlier. I guess I’ll make dinner tonight. Too bad she can’t eat it. Hopefully Dad will call tonight.


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Journaling from the point of view of a character is quite interesting. You have to put enough information into the entry to tell a story, whereas in my own journaling, it is usually just blah. If anyone read my journal, they wouldn't be able to tell a story, but they'd have a lot of randomness. I very rarely write about what has happened in my day in my journal, so this was a strange exercise for me.

Hello!

I've never been a fan of journal entry stories. They're too real for me. They're too human. If I want to see something real and human I'll look in the mirror, but I don't need those qualities in my fiction, you know? (In fact, I don't even keep a journal for this reason)

I'm not critisizing this, I'm critisizing the style.

But regardless of my inhibitions, I found this interesting. You're doing a good job of setting up your Mutts world, though I haven't read more than one or two pieces. The only thing I would ask for in this, is a little more literary style. A little more flair. Describe a tad more, even if it may not be what a normal teenage girl would journal. Of course, this is just a personal preference and this piece wouldn't suffer at all if you just left it the way it is.

I swear, the first A I get, I am going to frame and hang up over my bed.

The commas don't look right. Also, consider contracting I and Am.

-Kylan

These are getting better and better. I have to disagree with Kylan (not with his review, but about the style). I love these journal things since it is more real (Basically, I like it for the same reason Kylan dislikes it), and the affect of the world your creating becomes even more real when told from the perspective of someone's journal.

I swear, the first A I get, I am going to frame and hang up over my bed.

Here's where I agree with Kylan. I'm not sure if this is right. Maybe to avoid confusion you could phrase it as:
I swear, the first A I get will be framed up above my bed.

I also like how you threw in some things that may not partake in your story's theme, but helps make this seam like a genuine journal. Overall, good job.