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Air Born



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196 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 3098
Reviews: 196
Tue Jun 03, 2008 5:56 pm
OverEasy says...



At this point this is still a very rough draft. It's sort of an idea that I really want to expand on, and some what resembles a movie that I've never watched according to all of my friends. I guess it is kind of like "I am Legend" I assure you that wasn't intentional.

I plan on taking this idea and completely expanding on it. Tell me what you think :)






I had been running since I turned 13. I moved from city to city, town to town, wandering with Rickter and hoping I survived. Each time I created a new name for myself, a new profile, changed my look. When I was young I think I was blonde, now I have dyed my hair so many times I can’t remember. I am 17 now, or so we think, I can’t rightly remember the day my birthday was on.
Running took a lot more effort then one would think. Every time I got someplace new I had to reinvent myself again, changing yourself all the time was much harder than it looked. My mother once called me Lisa, but she died when I was young, and that name is long forgotten. Rickter started calling me Asha, that is the name I go by now.
Rickter was the one that helped me escape; he was the one that convinced me to start running in the first place. I don’t know where he came from, or why he was even trying to help me, but he was there at the right time, and he hasn’t left my side yet. I was so young when it first happened, when I was first attacked. I didn’t understand what was happening, there were so many men in suits coming towards me. He protected me then, and as of yet he hasn’t stopped.
Rickter told me it was the government after me, something to do with the epidemic and quarantine. I have always thought it was odd that I was going to be sent to the quarantine when I have never been ill in my life. Apparently I visited a town that was struck by the ABHIV; they feared that I would spread the deadly virus.
Since then I have not suffered the symptoms nor have I spread anything around. Apparently the government doesn’t care if I am infected or not, because they continued to follow me. Hunting me down like I was the worst kind of criminal. But I have never been criminal; I was only a child when this hunt began. Just a small little girl.
I looked up from the couch when Rickter walked in. His normally slicked back blond hair was down and shaggy. He looked tired, like he had been up all night. It wasn’t unlike him to stay up all night, I often found him awake on the couch long after I had fallen asleep. He claimed he was never tired, but I knew better, I knew he stayed awake to make sure no one came and got me in the night. Even so I had rarely seen him look this bad. “Rick, you ok? You look kinda shaggy.” I told him.
“Yeah Asha, I am fine. Don’t worry about me.” He collapsed onto the couch next to me.
“Whatever you say.”
“I saw some guys earlier, not from around here I reckon. They were suits for sure.” Rickter explained.
“Do you think they know I’m here?” I asked, not that I was worried. It wouldn’t be the first time we had escaped right under their noses.
“Couldn’t tell, may have been a routine sweep. But they seemed to be looking for someone in specific.” He told me.
“We should get outta here tonight.”
“Yeah, ‘bout that time anyways.”
Rickter’s hand slid into mine and he looked in my eyes. “It’ll be ok Ash. I’ll make sure. I always do.”
I nodded and didn’t say anything; I only stood to pack my things. It wasn’t like I had any friends, none except Rickter anyways. I hadn’t even had the time to make friends here, not yet. We never stayed long enough so I could. I packed my bag, if you could really call it a bag anymore, with the only things I owned. A few clothes, a tooth brush, and my favorite book, that’s what I lived off of every day.
There are many things I would call myself, resourceful has never been one of them. Rickter was always the one that watched me to make sure I never blew our cover, normally I did anyways. That’s when he made sure I didn’t work anymore. When he started to come with me where ever I went. Sometimes I thanked him for it, sometimes I wanted to kill him for it. He said that someone could recognize my face from the posters, even though my face had changed since the posters were put up; it was longer now, more womanly. My entire self was more womanly, not that there was anyone around to notice.
I have always known I was a pretty girl, no matter what the color of hair was that week my green eyes would always complimented it. I was always small for my age, only standing at about 5’2. Once upon a time my skin was bronzed, but that was back before my world got turned upside down. Now I seemed pale, and my eyes didn’t have the same carefree light in them. None of that mattered though, because I was alive.
I heard the door open behind me and felt his strong arms wrap around my shoulders. “Ash, I am sorry. I know I said maybe we could stay here for a while. But it’s just not working out that way.”
“I know, I know, we have to stay hidden. I just don’t get it though! Why are they still chasing me? They should know by now that I don’t have any disease. If I did I would already be dead.” I said, obviously frustrated.
Rickter sighed. I knew deep down there was something he wasn’t telling me. There was always something he wasn’t telling me. I knew he wanted to tell me, but something held him back. It wasn’t like he lied to me, Rick would never do that. He just simply never told me the whole truth. It’s not like I wasn’t aware that he was hiding things from me, I told him all the time I knew. Rick just smiled and kissed my cheek and left for work.
“Eventually you are going to fill me in with what’s really going on. I’ll just wait for that day.” I told him.
“Ash, you know there are things happening that I can’t explain to you. Please be ok with that.” Rick’s eyes met mine and I nodded.
“I have always been ok with it. But I fully intend to weasel things out of you someday.” I smiled and Rick gave me the same look he always did. Somewhere crossed between annoyed and amused.
“Get some sleep, we leave at midnight.” He practically ordered me. I knew better then to argue with him in times like these. The last thing Rickter needed when he was trying to keep me safe was me hindering him by being annoying.
“Wake me when it’s time to go.” I said quietly.
Rick was already gone, but I knew he heard me. Within fifteen minutes I was asleep, one of the abilities I had acquired while on the run was being able to fall asleep anywhere.
When I awoke again Rickter was still awake as usual, he sat at the edge of the door way watching over me. “You should let me drive tonight, you look a little rough.” I told him seriously. It wasn’t often I asked to drive; I was never fond of the feeling. ‘
“That’d be great Ash.” He smiled warmly and I gathered my things for yet another night on the move. I could see the warning in his gaze, and I prepared myself for a lecture on driving on isolated roads, but the lecture never came. Apparently he had finally told me enough times that he thought I understood.
“I’m ready when you are.” I told him.
“I’m always ready.” Rick responded.
We walked to the car in silence and took our seats; I adjusted the mirrors and did all of my predriving things. Before we were even on the road Rick was sleeping soundly.
It was only a few hours later when he was awake again and asking me to pull over so he could drive. Well more telling me to pull over. It was Rickter; orders were what he did, when he asked nicely it was a luxury. We reached a town just outside the area that used to be called California and found a stingy motel to stay in. The people weren’t overly friendly, but they weren’t hostile either. Some places had closed their motels since the Virus hit, and installed large fences around their entire city to keep new comers out. New comers had the possibility of carrying ABHIV; it depended on the town, but most were not willing to take the chance.
One man was sitting in the corner wearing an old beat-up trench coat. His hair looked stringy and unkempt while his skin looked rather greasy. I wondered how long it had been since the man had taken a shower, he met my eyes for a moment before looking away and muttering something unintelligible to himself. I felt Rickter’s hand on the small of my back as he steered me away from the strange man.
“Asha, there is something odd ‘bout that man. Maybe we should find ‘nother place to stay tonight.” Rickter whispered in my ear.
“That’s silly. Rick, we’ll be fine. He’s just a dirty old vagrant, nothing to worry about. They’re in every other town we go to.”
“I guess you’re right.” Rickter showed me up to our new room and we both collapsed onto the bed. Before long I was out like a light; traveling always made me tired.
I woke to the sound of loud banging, at first I thought it was Rickter trying to cook again. Then I realized it could be something much worse. It sounded like there was a fight going on, I felt a little sick inside.
Climbing out of bed I went to investigate, cracking the door only just. Rickter was there, and I was right, there was a fight going on. I watched him go; I always enjoyed watching him fight. But this wasn’t sparring anymore, the men wearing suits had found us. They had found me. Before I could think twice I burst through the door and jumped on one of the men’s back. He stumbled forward under my weight and I slammed my fists into him as hard as I could. I felt myself being ripped from him and started to panic, kicking my arms out at whoever had grabbed me.
“Ash, stop. It’s me.” I heard Rickter say.
“Sorry.” I said as I tried to get my adrenalin under control. More and more men seemed to file into the room. Rickter and I were surrounded.
I found his hand and gripped it tight with my own. I felt myself fill with fear as I realized that this time there was no escape, there was no other way out. This was really it. They really had me, and they would kill me, and I would forever be over.
“You touch her and swear to you I will kill you all.” Rickter said from beside me.
One man stepped forward; he wore the same uniform as the others. Black suit, blue tie, sunglasses, buzz cut. “We have no intent to hurt the girl.” He told us.
“Then what do you what with me?” I practically yelled.
The man stared at me for a moment. “You mean you really don’t know.
“Don’t know what?” I asked.
“He didn’t tell you then; about the prophesy.” The man looked at Rickter with incredible dislike.
“You do realize that beating around the bush is not helping me understand anything here. Why don’t you tell me what’s going on, why you have been tracking me for my whole life, and what Rickter has to do with it?”
“She’s feisty Rickter; I can see why you would want to protect this one. She still has some life left in her.”
“Back off Diego, she’s none of your concern.”
I stammered for a moment. “You two know each other?” I asked almost inaudibly.
“Aww, Ricky didn’t tell you? We go way back.” Diego cackled with laughter.
“Tell me what is going on?” I yelled, my anger getting the best of me.
“You’re the only hope.” Rickter said quietly.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“ABHIV is a virus that started over 60 years ago, the virus wiping out almost the entire human population. However what isn’t really known is how it kills or where it came from.” Explained Diego. “See before ABHIV was around it was simply HIV; it was a sexually transmitted disease. Most people didn’t worry too much about it, because normally getting the disease had something to do with a personal lifestyle. Then things started to change. HIV started to mutate into the killing virus we know today.” Diego paused. “Do you know how it kills, Asha?”
I shook my head; no one had ever told me how it kills. I was only told to avoid towns that were affected by it and I would be fine. That’s all that was known about ABHIV.
“Well I was sure Rickter would have told you by now.” Diego glared sadistically at my only friend. I couldn’t stand to see Diego look so smug, but I let him continue on his little tale. “ABHIV enters through the pores of your body and attacks the blood stream; it used to take years to have its full effect on a person. Things changed, now once it enters your blood stream, it starts to completely shut down your immune system. After that, it shuts down all of your vital organs. Pretty soon it has killed you and these days it only takes a matter of hours to wipe you out” Diego tisked. “My brother knows all of this, funny he didn’t tell you.”
“Brother?”
“But of course, how else would I know scum like him?”
“Asha, you have got to listen to me. They were going to kill you!” I didn’t move, I couldn’t breath, I didn’t understand. Why would he lie to me?
“What does any of this have to do with me?” I screamed.
“You are the key to its destruction little girl. It is your blood that will end it.” Diego told me.
“But—how?”
“Something about your blood, it has been passed down in your family. Your ancestors are the only known survivors of the disease ever. We had tested your mother, but she failed to have the gene, it was then we realized it was the youngest person in your family that had the blood that could cure the world. It was said in the prophesy.”
“Rick, why didn’t you tell me this?” I pleaded with him.
“Asha, they were going to kill you for your blood. I was put on this earth to protect you, long ago it was decided. It was my destiny to keep you safe. But more than that it was because Diego is sick, and I had to put a stop to him.”
“Dear sweet little brother, you don’t really think we were going to kill her do you, we were just going to borrow some of that sweet red liquid running through her veins.” Diego grinned, somehow making a simple smile look incredibly terrifying.
“So now all you want is my blood? You don’t what to kill me?” I shivered a little, my fear becoming even more evident to Diego.
“That’s the one thing we realized was wrong with our plan. If we killed you, there wouldn’t be enough blood to cure everyone. After that there wouldn’t be any cure, and the virus would live on. All we need is one vile, to see if we might be able to replicate the structure of your cells. If we can, then we don’t need to drain you to stop the disease.”
I held out my arm. “Take whatever you need.” I told him.
In the blink of an eye Diego had a syringe in my flesh. I hated the feeling of needles and I cried out in sudden shock as he drew blood from my veins. I felt the blood drain from my face as I my head got light. Rickter rushed forward to catch me before I hit the ground. The men in suits left their mission finally over, only Diego remained.
“That’s it? You chased me down for four years, and that’s it?” Rickter looked down at me, clearly confused.
“Don’t ask for trouble.” Rickter whispered harshly.
Diego just smirked at me. “You will be seeing me again, Asha. Count on it.” With that, he turned and left. Gone from my life, at least for the time being.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked.
“Because I know you, and I know you would willingly die if it meant the end of this disease.” He paused and searched my eyes. “I couldn’t let the girl I love throw herself on the bomb like that. Not if I knew there was another way.”
My eyes widened as he leaned in and pressed his lips to mine, the kiss ended as quickly as it started. “So, now what?” I whispered.
Rickter grinned. “I was thinking Bora Bora, maybe Acapulco.”
“But what about them?” I asked gesturing to where Diego had just left.
“I know my brother, wherever we go, he’ll find us. Now I think it’s only fair to make life a little harder for him. Don’t you?”
I rubbed my arm where the needle had just been and grinned. “Hey, what goes around comes aground.”
Rickter threw his arm around me. “So true.”
Life is for living.
  





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369 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 15698
Reviews: 369
Tue Jun 03, 2008 8:54 pm
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Conrad Rice says...



This has the potential to be a good story. In order to reach that point you're going to have to change a few things. First off, description. You need to draw us into the story a little more, and description is the best way to do that. Are there fewer people out as a result of the virus thinning the population? Is everything run down and dilapidated?

Also, dialogue is going to need to be fixed.
“Ash, you know there are things happening that I can’t explain to you. Please be ok with that.”


I don't know if people say "Be ok with that," a lot. Maybe "Please understand," would be a better choice in that instance.

Finally, you need to fix some things as far as consistency goes. Diego calls Richter by his full name at one point, but then in the next paragraph he calls him Ricky. Why the change? If they're both brothers, and Diego wants to antagonize Richter as I assume he does, then calling him Ricky throughout would be a much better choice.

And the prophecy. Who makes it? Just saying, "the prophecy says so," does not work in stories very often. You have to set up certain things behind it. Even if all you say to that effect is Asha asking, "Who made this prophecy?" and Diego replying with something like, "That's on a need to know basis only," you still need to do that. Otherwise it just feels like a deus ex machina.

Overall, this is a good idea. You just need to flesh it out and make it a little more real for us. PM me if you want some help or if I wasn't clear enough on something.

:)
Garrus Vakarian is my homeboy.
  





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83 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1090
Reviews: 83
Thu Jun 05, 2008 11:39 am
Raimunda says...



I think this story is quite good and could possibly become amazing, and I also compliment you on complete correct use of apostrophe's which is, like, impossible.

A few things you coul do to improve it is the check through it because I definately saw some mistakes. Not major ones, but little typos. And also, I thought some of your sentences were a bit wordy- perhaps you could work on slimming them down a bit.

The one thing that got at me that wasn't grammar was that when you were explaining why the suits were after her, it didn't seem like the main character was particularily bothered by this- she wasn't really emotionally attached to her own situation. Maybe if you try to imagine ho you would feel in her place. But maybe she just got so used to being chased she wasn't bothered by it. I suppose that would work.

Anyway, prima start, es ist sehr gut. I finde das toll!

:D
I just hit my computer
Because it was being slow
I need my daily Smallville fix
And it will not load the video.
  








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