Young Writers Society

I
A beam of light pierced my eyes and I was flying. No, not flying. I was being lifted into the mist.
My heart hammered against my chest; my eyes were frozen on the light. I was still floating through the air. When would I reach it? When would I reach the mist in the sky?
I was floating. I went higher, and higher. The mist surrounded me.
I reached into it and was consumed.

II
Uhmmm…
Aughkk…
Whaa…
Why couldn’t I breathe? I desperately tried to take a deep breath, but my lungs were like stone: unwilling to move. My fingers twitched and my eyes started spasming. No! No, this can’t be happening! Breathe! I tried to, but failed. Breathe, damn you!
Cardiac arrest is where your heart has a sudden cessation and refuses to pump blood. It is usually caused by lack of oxygen. My medical degree had taught me that much, but they never explained what it felt like. They never explained how intense the pain was or how sudden it came.
It was like a shard of glass had been plunged deep within my heart. I wanted to pull it out. I needed to, but it was nearly impossible. I could never stop the pain.
Lakarisshum…
Deshtuff…
Twitmhuh…
What were those damn noises? I attempted to open my eyes, but failed. It was as if there was a boulder sitting on top of each one.
The pain. Oh, the damn pain.
I slid my arm from my side over to my heart. My hand was brushed across my bare skin. What? Where were my clothes? I slid my hand down my body once again. I was naked.
What the hell was going on?

III
There were footsteps headed in my direction. The pain – the godforsaken pain – grew, twisted and cut and hacked. What was going on? Oh God, make it stop! Make the pain stop!
The footsteps halted. Whatever it was was standing right next to me. It was deftly silent as if it were examining me. Scrutinizing my body. I felt something sharp pierce my right nipple and I opened my mouth to scream in pain -
But no sound came out. My mouth was sealed shut, just like my eyes were. My nostrils, however, were not. They were my only source of oxygen.
Whatever had pierced my nipple remained there. The exploding pain was too much. I couldn’t handle it. I fell unconscious before I even could feel the pain as my left nipple was pierced.

IV
Probed. Yes, that was the correct word. I was being probed.
I still was unable to open my eyes or mouth. My nipples were numb, but my heart, oh thank God, ceased to hurt. Whoever had been probing me had fixed my heart.
Enghuh…
Klitgha…
Buhmmm…
There were three of them. I could tell because of their voices. Except they weren’t speaking. There was absolutely no sound.
Then how the hell was I hearing them?
There was the familiar sharp pain, this time in my right leg, directly diagonal from my crotch. I had already been probed in my penis, but luckily, they had avoided the testicals.
In the background – very, very faint – was a small beep. It seemed to have been coming from a different room. Maybe they were operating on someone else? But then, I thought, why wouldn’t I have a beeping machine? I wanted one. I wanted one desperately. I didn’t really know what I would do if I had one, but just the familiar beep, beep, beep made me feel safe… alive.
Maybe I’m already dead. That’s why I don’t have one.
No. I instantly turned down that thought. I wouldn’t be holding conversations in my mind if I were dead.
Buhmmm…
There! There was that sound! I desperately tried to open my eyes, to see who had spoken it.
No one had said anything. There hadn’t been a sound in that room ever since I woke.
There was another sharp pain. And another. I wanted to kick whoever was probing me. I couldn’t, though. I was frozen. I was a statue.
Oh, God, just tell them to stop probing me!

V
One day when I had stepped into my office, I had found a manila folder on my desk. It wasn’t anything unordinary – I found one there ever couple of days.
Every folder was designed for a new patient. That day’s patient was named Sam Roosevelt. He had a severe case of a mental illness. Down at the bottom margin had the words scrawled: Believes he has been abducted by aliens.
When I first met the man, he was wearing the hospital gown. He was sitting upright in his gurney. I jokingly asked him, “So, are you related to Theo by any chance?”
Sam had stared at me with these large eyes. Those frightening eyes. There had been something terribly wrong with him. I had noticed his hands trembling as he spoke.
“Please don’t take me back there. Please, don’t take me back there. Please, don’t take me back there?” Sam’s voice was hoarse, as if he had been yelling – or screaming. As I looked closer at him, I noticed several tiny dots on his skin. They looked like puncture wounds.
“Sam, what are those dots on your neck and face?”
He didn’t answer me. He repeated the same words over and over. “Please, don’t take me back there.”
I set the manila folder down on a counter next to me and stared into his eyes.
“Sam, tell me. What are those dots on your neck and face?”
He repeated the words over and over again. I growled and gave up.
“Take you where?”
He didn’t answer for the longest time. It was as if he were contemplating on whether or not he should tell me.
“Mr. Roosevelt?” I asked again. “Take you where?”
“Back,” he whispered, and then fell over and had a seizure.

The seizure had taken his life shortly after I had tried to revive him. I’d stuck him on the ventilator, but nothing had worked. The seizure was caused more by shock than anything. He had been found, just earlier that day, butt naked in a field. He was found alone and unconscious. Someone had been working in the field and had spotted him. The paramedics had arrived and brought him to my hospital, where he died.

I never really gave a thought about Sam Roosevelt until now. There had been something about what he had said.
“Please, don’t take me back there.”
In the margin of the paper it had said he claimed he had been abducted by aliens.

Everything started falling into place.
Oh God. Get me out of here.

Hello! I usually don't critique science fiction, so bear with me. (Hah ha.)

So you sci-fi people really seem to know what you're doing. This was good. I liked how you took the idea of being probed by aliens and turned it into an interesting story.

My fingers twitched and my eyes started spasming.

Spasming is such a strange word. I found myself stumbling over it. Perhaps there is a better choice of words?

stone: unwilling to move.

Curious punctuation. It's not wrong, and it works, it's just different.

You included a lot of questions in your prose, and you pulled it off. For that, I believe you deserve brownie points. I've run in to plenty of people who make it seem ridiculous. (I am probably one of those people.)

You change characters at the end, no? It's confusing for a minute. You mentioned your main character had a degree in medicine; at the beginning it could easily have been him. By the time the doctor reaches the reports, I had figured it out, but maybe a little separation or some notification that there was a change of character and/or setting would help.

Good news: You're a solid writer.
Bad news: You need better material then this.

There's hardly anything interesting in this story, it reads like a History Channel rerun, and merits the same amount of attention. We've heard the story before, and your one stab of creativity (the detour at "V") wasn't sufficiently developed. None of it mattered.

You need to refocus this story, much less about what's happening on the outside, and much more on what's happening on the inside. In the style of Johnny Got His Gun, the reader will be much more interested in what the character is thinking than the commercial-esque plot outside. The flashback was a step in the right direction, but you need to go much further.

Finally,

My medical degree had taught me that much, but they never explained what it felt like.

You've never mentioned anything up until this point that would make us think that he's a doctor. So this "medical degree" thing sounds hopelessly contrived.

and,

I couldn’t, though. I was frozen. I was a statue.

This line contrasts with the previous line:

I slid my arm from my side over to my heart. My hand was brushed across my bare skin.

Bear >> Thank you so much! Your kind words have inspired me to write more, which I will.

You change characters at the end, no? It's confusing for a minute. You mentioned your main character had a degree in medicine; at the beginning it could easily have been him. By the time the doctor reaches the reports, I had figured it out, but maybe a little separation or some notification that there was a change of character and/or setting would help.

No, it doesn't change characters. The MC is a doctor, and this is a flashback of one of his patients.

But thank you. I owe you a critique.

smorgishborg >> Thank you too. Um, I don't know what to say. It was a really honest critique and I respect that. Would you like... more flashbacks? Or just expand on him being a doctor? Should I rewrite the beginning? Haha, well, I owe you a critique then.

Anyway, thank you all. It's been incredibly helpful.

I loved it!!! I do agree with smorgishborg about those to contrasting lines. However, I do hope you'll write more!!! The whole concept appalls me--abductions by aliens???? BUT, you make it sound so real! If I tried to write something about alien abduction I would fail miserably, and it would sound like MIB gone bad [btw, the only reason that movie wasn't a huge crash & burn was because of Will Smith and his incredible acting skills!]


PLEASE WRITE MORE!!!!!!!!!!

Watch the exclamation points, please! It stretches the page, and makes it hard to read. -Mesh

O.o

Holy freak, girl. Haha. Thank you!

But, would you mind editing out all of those !!!!? It expanded my page, and I dont' like that.

Thanks, though.

This is my first time on this site and yours is the first story I have gotten to read.

I loved the whole "stream of consciousness" feel to the story; it fit very well with what the main character was going through.

The actual plot was predictable after Sam Roosevelt was mentioned. I don't think you should have said why he had the mental illness until the absolute end.

So! I saw your blog and see you wanted to rewrite your story because it is "embarrassing." So, I figured I would give you a heads up on what exactly I would be embarrassed by, if I were the writer.

And yes... I am an evil editor, and an evil perfectionist as well, lol. But hopefully my criticisms will help?

1) He doesn't seem like a medical doctor. Really. He seems to be a teenager of the male variety, in fact. The only paragraph that lends itself to seem doctorish is the one where he says he is a MD. Otherwise, it doesn't work. The diction, the descriptions, what he describes, is simply too unscientific. Remember, doctors have to go through a lot of school and science classes to reach the degree. One would think he would use the scientific method. But no. He doesn't question what is happening to him. Instead, he tries to express it poetically. So it doesn't work out.

Main idea: I think you should either interview a couple of doctors and see what they think like or change the character entirely.

2) About the probing... it's either needs to be described in more depth or not described at all. It's so... juvenile right now. You don't go into the descriptions because of the "squick" factor, and I think that's hurting it. I mean, just look at how you handle the whole penis probing. I might as well say, "Well... my penis was probed but let's not talk about that!" No. If it is THAT special to the character, you talk about it. You also talk about what each body part meant to the character, just to be overly dramatic. You cannot just gloss over this important stuff. Yes, there's "squick" factor involved, but come on... if you want to write this sort of story, you can't be bothered about that sort of thing.

Main idea: don't shy away from description.

Hope that helps!

Sythe,

I rarely do sci-fi crits either, simply because usually, it bores me. I’m not the robots-spaceship-futuristic kind of person, but I’ll try not to make you suffer for it, okay?

Anyway, line-by-line crit comes first, and then I’ll type up any impressions that I might have. Here we go.


Quote:
I reached into it and was consumed.
Into what? The mist? Can’t be, since it’s stated that the MC is surrounded by it. But if not the mist, then what? Unclear.


Quote:
I desperately tried to take a deep breath, but my lungs were like stone: unwilling to move.
Clashed with - or huggles, clings to, and refuses to let go - that earlier “breathe”. Whether it’s hatred, or sickly sweetness, use a synonym. Also, I don’t like that colon. Really. Plain comma’d be better.


Quote:
eyes started spasming.
Spasming? What’s that?


Quote:
Cardiac arrest is where your heart has a sudden cessation and refuses to pump blood.
“is when”


Quote:
Oh God, make it stop!
Clashes with “godforsaken”. Okay, that was clutching at daggers. I just don’t like that “God” - I’m a critiquer, I get to have unexplainable fancies. Or anti ones, toward semi-melodramatics.


Quote:
Whatever it was was standing right next to me.
Hmm? Rephrase.


Quote:
It was deftly silent as if it were examining me.
It, it. Rephrase to avoid that.


Quote:
I fell unconscious before I even could feel the pain as my left nipple was pierced.
“before I even could” - not good. Rephrase.


Quote:
I could tell because of their voices. Except they weren’t speaking.
Merge. Short sentences only work so far.


Quote:
In the background – very, very faint – was a small beep
Awkward. The form of “faint” concerns me most - that is what makes the sentence awkward.


Quote:
I wanted one desperately.
Heh.


Quote:
I desperately tried to open my eyes,
Again, desperately? Try using something else.


Quote:
Oh, God, just tell them to stop probing me!
Make, perhaps?


Quote:
One day when I had stepped into my office, I had found a manila folder on my desk.
“One day when I had” is awkward.


Quote:
It wasn’t anything unordinary – I found one there ever couple of days.
Took me some time, but ever - every?


Quote:
That day’s patient was named Sam Roosevelt.
No need to repeat “patience”. Merge, perhaps, with next sentence, so that it doesn’t seem so choppy.


Quote:
He was sitting upright in his gurney. I jokingly asked him, “So, are you related to Theo by any chance?”
That was the first time, no? So, “had”? Or is that paranoia getting at me?


Quote:
There had been something terribly wrong with him. I had noticed his hands trembling as he spoke.
Merge.


Quote:
As I looked closer at him, I noticed several tiny dots on his skin.
When’d be better.


Quote:
I growled and gave up.
I don’t like him “growling”.


Quote:
He didn’t answer for the longest time.
Longest - awkward.


Quote:
“Back,” he whispered, and then fell over and had a seizure.
So… blunt. “Then fell over and had a seizure.” Very.



Okay, impressions.


Aliens. Well, I think the title should’ve hinted at it, no? Plus sci-fi? Aliens, yes, and not my type of story. But, even my prejudices have to say that the story was good, overall. Well-written, in the least, and I did like your style - the story flowed very well, and didn’t bore me, which is new for sci-fi. Feel complimented.

A constructive critique I really cannot offer, since the genre I avoid (yes, I know I’m repeating myself). I liked the descriptions, and since the MD has been remarked on - I don’t have anything much to say. That last section, though… That came as a jolt. I don’t think it really works, since it is so different from the previous part. A flashback, yes, but for the mentioned above reasons doesn’t work.


Cheers,
Esme

'Lo Sythe.

You've gotten a rather good array of critiques here; and I shouldn't like to be redundant.

All in all, it's not anything technical in this that is fatal. No doubt you can carry a sentence along. ^_^ But the story itself and the character seem either too tried to be true, and so frayed, or simply too little considered.

• Re-write in a voice that is nothing like yours. [At this point, the character sounds neither old enough nor educated enough, and his observations are vague or immature. Snoink mentioned the most obvious.]
  
  
• Re-write with as much bloody detail as possible-describe every cranny, appearances, smells, tastes. Then cut back as you put it into the limited perspective of your character. [What is there, but isn't told is more affecting than what is merely not particularly known or decided upon...]
  
• Recall biology dissections? What would the creature feel if it were still capable of feeling while you probed it then? Oy, that's your character, to an extent. ^_^

Ach, in the end, 'tis mostly a matter of the voice. Any story can be engaging if the character is vivid enough, and true enough. But in its current state, your character seems rather too nebulous, and perhaps too near to your voice. ^_^



Good luck and all that. PM me if you've any questions, naturally...





IMP