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Young Writers Society


Mutts - Triangle



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Thu Jan 24, 2008 12:03 pm
GryphonFledgling says...



12/11/07

042 – Triangle

No one saw the first red blip on the backpack light. Tom was telling about his wife, who was pregnant back home. At least, she had been pregnant three years ago, when Tom had still been at home. He had been here the longest.

They were Delta company, the blue triangle stitched to their sleeves, part of the Winged division. Their dragons were surrounding the perimeter of the camp, effective as any guard could be. One of them had noticed the blipping backpack and shuffled in place curiously. One of the muck boys went over and stroked its neck. It relaxed, but the boy didn’t see the light.

Tom finished his story and took a drink out of his hip flask. They all had flasks, even though none were allowed. But after over two years of looking for something that wasn’t there, waiting for the light bulb that would never light up. The Mutts weren’t out there.

The muck boy stumbled as he walked back to the camp and knocked the backpack over. He turned back a little as if to pick it up, but someone called for him to leave it, his MRE was ready. The light continued to blip, face down in the dirt.

They all knew Tom had been there the longest, but the others liked to alternatively brag and complain about their own times.

“I’ve been out here eighteen months already. When are they going to get the message?”

“Those guys up top are idiots. They gave us BZ. For what? There’s nothing out here!”

“They could be spending their money on better things, like padded seats for their can.”

“The Mutts never existed. It’s some kind of control thing.”

“Yes they do! My uncle saw one.”

“Your uncle, eh? The one that went AWOL?”

The accused sniffed.

“He was on duty for ten years, doing what we’re doing. What would you do?”

Brags flew across the circle, but Tom silenced them with a raised hand. His eyes were focused on the fallen backpack. Under the thick, weather-beaten plastic frame, a light could just barely be seen blinking, red against the white sand.

“Looks like we have company.”
Last edited by GryphonFledgling on Wed May 28, 2008 11:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I am reminded of the babe by you.
  





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Sun Jan 27, 2008 3:11 am
Teh Wozzinator says...



I like these stories, but this seemed kind of confusing to me--more than the others. No time for a "proper" review right now, but I'd just like to say that I like it, I want to read more, cause these Mutts really interest me, and keep writing!!!!

I really like your style of writing and your wording, and I also didn't notice any grammar problems, so I wouldn't have much to edit.

I really, really, really like your idea for a bunch of random stuff that'll turn into a story.

But we could maybe use just a little bit of description just to tell us what the scene is like. To me, this seemed like a desert with a barn in the middle of it, which was their camp. Really weird, so I need more description! The reason I thought that is because you said "white sand", and then you said "muck boy". Aka, desert and stablehand/barn. Need more description so that I actually understand!! lol... So yeah, description is all you need to work on right now.

And this has turned into more of a "proper" review than i thought it would, but I haven't edited stuff in bold. Now I'm off to read seven, but I may not have time to comment much on it, cause I'll have to go soon.

Teh Wozzinator
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Tue Feb 05, 2008 12:25 am
kokobeans says...



You have a unique style of writing, it's quite good. I really like the way you've introduced Tom, he's a believable and instantly likeable character.

I have to agree with Wozzle, although the vague scene was easy to picture, a little more description would help. I also got quite confused. Who was watching what, on which side, and who owned the backpack.

My assumption was that the backpack was a bomb of some sort, and nobody realises it doesn't belong to the group, but it's still quite hazy.

A bit of rejumbling and this should be a great piece, keep up the good work.
  





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Fri Mar 07, 2008 7:49 am
Caligula's Launderette says...



Hey, hon. You know the drill.

Ta,
Cal.

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