Young Writers Society

This piece has currently been taken down for reasons deemed suitable by the author.

Uuummm... this was good. Part 1 with Russell could have been longer and better explained, but part 2 was fine. There were no gramatical errors, and I think you could do a lot with this kind of plot and setting, I look forward to reading the next part, and good job. Oh, welcome to the site by the way!

-Joel-

Looks pretty good so far! I'm not 100% sure, but because it's set in the future I think you might want to post this in Science Fiction? I think it's up to you, though.

I think that if you could add a little more description of the house, that would me good. I know it's dark, so we don't necessarily need to know what color the walls are, but simple things like: Is the floor tile, wood, dirt, stone? What is the temperature like? What does it smell like in the house?

Also, your characters seem a little... flat. I'm not saying that it has to be terribly soppy and emotional, but you should add a little emotion so that your reader can relate. For example, when Russel sees the monster, is he scared or is he just thinking 'oh, another one of these things.'?? I also think that you should add more description of the characters. Right now, all we know it that Richard has glasses--and we don't even know what shape they are.

There are a few mistakes I found. Most of them are just spelling/grammar nit-picks, but others are bigger. Here goes:

Chapter One

It was weighty and [s]had been[/s], so far, reliable.

Yeah, I think it would work better if you delete the 'had been'

The noise must have come from elsewhere.

What noise? I think you should mention the noise earlier. Maybe even in the first sentence of the 1st chapter? That might make a nice opening line... something like 'a screeching, groaning noise shook the old house.' You know what I mean?

"Glass," Russell murmured, trying desperately contemplating what could have made such a noise, “The television.”

The part that I put in bold didn't make much sense. I simple reword should do the job.

Russell raised the axe to his shoulder as he advanced towards where the intruder was stumbling around, then as he reached the room he peeked inside and caught sight of the man-like figure.

This sentence is too long. I suggest you split it up... look: 'Russell raised the axe to his shoulder as he advanced towards where the intruder was stumbling around. As he reached the room he peeked inside and caught sight of the man-like figure."

Chapter Two

Yet again someone shook her.

Here again... the same comment as I had for the noise in chapter one... you should mention it earlier.

Mays pulse slowed, she wasn’t about to have her face torn off and eaten by a zombie, just shifted out of the tent.

Firstly, 'Marys' should be 'Mary's' Secondly, this sentence just confused me a little. It might just be me, but I think it would work better without 'just shifted out of the tent.'

The ones that you’re supposed to being this morning.

This part didn't make sense either.
-----------------------------------------

That's it. Please don't take my critique too harshly, I'm just trying to help.

Good luck!
~Azila~

The premise of this piece reminded me strongly of I Am Legend, which isn't a good thing. Takes place in the near future, humanity is practically wiped out, and monsters created by a plague of some sort roam the streets with murderous intent. Blah, blah, blah. Please, give us something a little more unique than that.

Despite your slightly cliche plot line, your writing was good. It's very solid and to-the-point, no strings attatched and no frills either. I was particularly impressed with part one. Good stuff. Well written.

Your dialogue could use some work, though. It's stiff and creaky, like a hinge that could use some oil. Remember, dialogue is the most effective window into a character's personality. So if your dialogue sucks, your characters do to. Listen to how people speak around you. Listen to grammar mistakes. Most dialogue in real life is pretty boring whereas dialogue in books and stories most always accomplishes something. If you can achieve that happy medium between mundane yet important, you've hit the jackpot. Instead of saying, "I suppose", for instance. say "I guess". Loosen up. And the more slang, the better.

his trusty axe

Ack! Cliche, cliche! The trusty steed, the trusty sword, the trusty axe. C'mon you can do better than that. If nothing else, leave out the "trusty".

[s]a small amount of fluids [/s]seeped onto the floor

Leave out the "small amount". It interrupts the flow and readability.

but to her it felt like an eternity had passed with her just sprawled out on the floor

Let me restructure this for you, "but it felt like an eternity had passed sprawled out on the floor". Better, neh?

Well I was in need of some beauty sleep after the other day

This is an example of stiff dialogue. "I needed some beauty sleep" serves the same purpose as "I was in need of...". It's also less Harvard acedemic and more edgy/down-to-earth. Know what I mean?

Anyway, good stuff here. I'm really looking forward to sequels.

Also, I think you'd get more of a readership if you had this moved to Action/Adventure or Science Fiction. "Other Fiction" is kind of a melting pot.

-Kylan

*moved to SciFi upon author's request*


(If you would rather it be in Action/Adventure, just Pm me and I can move it again. )

Thanks (Y)

Green = Comment
Blue = Suggestion
Black = Review

*

SMASH!

This is really up to you but I’ve never liked onomatopoeias unless they belong it stories for younger audiences, better to describe the sound before the character announces what smashed.

Carefully, he crept out of the small kitchen and into the hall. It was quite small, just a staircase[ ] a table and three doorways.

Commas are your friends, use them please!

*

I’ll review the sections separately.

Russell confuses me as he seems to be afraid of what he’ll meet and when he does, the man-like figure as you call it, he loses his fear suddenly and goes for the kill. I’d have liked to have seen, or rather read, about his feelings when he sees the intruder: does he wonder how it got in?

* * * * *

“Alright,” May mumbled, “I’m leaving.” She got to her feet and shuffled out of the black tent door into the clearing.

Not too sure what kind of a tent this is but they don’t really have doors, do they? I’ve never seen a real tent to know how big they are. Anyway I think the appropriate word would be: flap

[…] Sherman was just outside of the clearing and between some of the many trees that surrounded them.

I think I know what you want to say here. Suggestion: Sherman stood between a few trees along the border of the clearing.

Or just re-arrange the words you’ve used.

“Glad to see you’re finally up.” Christina [s]was looking up from the saucepan at May[/s] looked up from her work to see May.

^^^ See quote

“Well I needed some beauty sleep after the other day. You know, when somebody said to go and check out the 'deserted' barn.” There was a hint of sarcasm coming from May, but not quite enough to make Christina feel comfortable. That had been the day when the group had lost Greg. [ … ]

Perhaps here you could have played on one of the characters feelings, or all other theirs, just so we can see how much this missing person played in their group.

May turned and began to walk to where Sherman was slowly pacing the ground, checking here and there for ensnared animals.

The ‘turned’ was repeated here from May’s earlier action. Also, this could be improved if you split the sentence in two: one for Sherman and then have May walk up to him.

*

I don’t really have anything to say about this chapter, what I’d really like to see is a lot more character interaction: we only have Richard and May, Christina has only one line and Sherman has yet to speak.

.:

Hello!

As a whole it is hard to say much on such short extracts which have got me hooked even though it was a little slow to begin with, but this seems to me a sort of 28 Days Later-style of work [love the movie so this is a compliment!] and I hope to read more. Though I’m left wondering why they’re outside when the prologue mentions people living in holes.

Myth