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Clevenger eased into his chair and quietly poured a cup of coffee. Screw the doctor. Screw decaf, he thought to himself as he drank deeply from the mug. And screw my heart palpitations. Caffeine would be necessary today. Making plans for a war was tiring stuff. Clevenger knew.
“The question is,” Director Mark Clevenger said pacing at the head of the conference table, tie loosened and sleeves rolled up passed thick forearms, “Is when to strike. Obviously the public isn't ready for this yet. It will never be ready. If we hopped onto the market band-wagon today, right now, we'd be crushed. It doesn't matter that our technology is superior. The bastards at the IU would do what they've been doing for twenty years. ” Clevenger bent forward and pounded his fist on the table, “Destroy the opposition over night.”
In a swift erratic jump, the red-tailed hawk caught the vole; wings outstretched, eyes gleaming. Fresh meat. The small animal wriggled in the hawk's talon, squealing. It's small furry body was arched in pain, head twisting, limbs flapping like some obscene rag doll's. Save me, it seemed to scream. To this the hawk replied, No hope. No hope. Tightening it's claws as the bird prepared to fly, the red-tail shattered the vole's bone system in it's vice grip.
Clevenger took a drag on his cigarette and tapped the ashes off with a flick. “When the IU invaded three quarters of the Middle East in the Oil Wars, it was solely for profit. They recognized the massive income that forty or so oil fields could generate. They recognized they could become a world power over night. They wanted to expand. The IU also had the guts and the means to pull it off. Iraq fell, Kuwait fell, Oman fell, Saudi Arabia, Qatar, Egypt. Anywhere that there was a drop of oil, they took. But that left numerous smaller unconquered countries scattered all around there borders: Israel, Jordan, Lebanon, the UAE, Yemen, Armenia -”
“Old news, Mr. Clevenger. Get to the point.”
Smiling at the comparison, Clevenger watched his reflection in the glass, “Can anyone tell me what they would do in a situation like this?”
“The question is,” Director Mark Clevenger said comma pacing at the head of the conference table, tie loosened and sleeves rolled up passed thick forearms...
This seems like a clichéd stereotype of the business man. The guy with health problems, forced off the coffee by his doctor, but goes to it anyway because he's stresses and needs to keep going. You see it too much. Try making him original, in that aspect. Yes, his character just seems a wee bit cliché.Clevenger eased into his chair and quietly poured a cup of coffee. Screw the doctor. Screw decaf, he thought to himself as he drank deeply from the mug. And screw my heart palpitations. Caffeine would be necessary today. Making plans for a war was tiring stuff. Clevenger knew.
You say "over" twice, it'd try to find a way to fix this. We know it is NY already, so I cut that.mug in hand – and made his way over to the wall window over looking the chaotic streets[s] of New York[/s].
clichéThe cars were like ants
Hm. I don't like how that is punctuated, I just think it bothers me. I think you should try, "I thought I'd never say this, but you're insane." it just fits better, imo.“I thought I'd never say this. You're insane.”
I love that.We're businessmen. We steal from the poor and kill babies.
Eh, I don't like that... if it is rhetorical, why would they answer it?waiting for them to answer his rhetorical question.
make that a question.“But how would we do it,”
This sentence was just clunky from missing words and things. I really wanted to cut out all of "And had mght as well sell his shares" but I didn't, so I'm leaving it up to you.If there is anyone who doesn't have the guts to follow through with what I order from this point on comma, he should leave now and [s]had might as well[/s] sell his shares.
Like an old comma western movie.
The repetition was irritating. Also, I don't think you need commas when saying 'something or something or something'.Normally, these dusty comma western roads would have been filled with [s]sweaty[/s] boys playing soccer, or [s]sweaty[/s] men playing cards, or [s]sweaty[/s] women buying food,and all of them sweaty.
I don't like this sentence, because it makes no sense why sweaty people in a church would be making pews dusty.Undoubtedly, making the pews dusty.
Make those sentence one. And shouldn't it be the dance of killing? Since he doesn't enjoy dying, he enjoys killing.Each and every day, he waited to play the part of the grim reaper again. And waltz to the seductive dance of dying.
as they both [s]of them[/s] stared out into the road.
combine these somehow. You seem to like to use fragments when grammatically they should connect to the previous sentence, so find a way around that.Quietly, Ali accepted a cigarette, pulled a lighter from his own pocket and lit up. Without a word. Without looking at the man's face.
It looks like you have an unnecessary ` at the end of this sentence. Must have fallen in.It's been a long time.”`
“The hell it has,” Mark Clevenger said comma taking a seat on the bench.
make "that's all" a question.Ali frowned, “Seven? That's all.”
Your numbers keep getting a little fuzzy, in the first section you said, "Seventeen board members left." and then, "I'm about to tell you how a seventeen men can..." but now it is ten? I am confused.The ten SoftFuel board members may have been right to walk out.
But that left numerous smaller comma unconquered countries scattered all around [s]there[/s] their borders: Israel, Jordan, Lebanon, the UAE, Yemen, Armenia -”
You did this somewhere else too. I don't like that they glance around place and place. It just sounds odd. Either one or the other, imo, because it sounds weird as is.Ali Kemal glanced around the veranda and street.
See, here is another example of your liking of fragments ^_~ Connect these two with a comma or something.The sleepy Mexican town of Tenancingo. How he would miss it.
the first section is kind of clunky, and the second sentence is a fragment.the church-goers immediately began filing out - dusty, as always - and ignored the American stranger and the Turkish eccentric on the bench beside them. Too taken up by the spirit.
I think you should say "war-starter" so that it makes it a noun.Clevenger had been right to choose Ali Kemal for his war-starting
Kylan wrote:"We're survivors. We're exploiters. We're businessmen. We steal from the poor and kill babies. It's what we do."
Kylan wrote:SoftFuel would survive.
Like a father, Clevenger knew what was right for his baby.
Kylan wrote:Clevenger stared at them expectantly, “Anyone else?”
Kylan wrote:“I'm really hoping you meant that figuratively, Mark.” Mather said.
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