Young Writers Society

Ok this is my first writing so I may make a few mistakes which I'll hopefully find and fix. It's an alternative history so I am not sure if goes under sci-fi are history. Well here it's go.



A lone figures scurries through an alley on a cold winter night. Making sure no patrols spots him he makes it up to a 20ft wooden fence at the end of the alley. Taking out and looks at his pocket watch he thinks''5 minutes to 12, He better be here.''. He then leans his head against the high wall. Listening he hears the sound of footsteps on the other side.

Then he hears 3 knocks on the other side. He knocks quietly on the wall waiting for an answer. All of a sudden a small bag flies over the fence.

Quickly the man catches it. Opening the small pouch he finds about 50 pounds. Then a small whisper comes from the other side. ''Now keep your part of the deal'' the voice says.

The man reaches in his overcoat and takes out a few cigars tied together. ''Here you go'' The man says to the voice as he flings the cigars over. He then turns to the other side of the alley and creeps away.

Looking both ways on the street he makes a run for the alley across the street. Making to it he Slides the 50 pounds into his right pocket.

''Now I just got to get home'' He whispers as he shakes his pocket hearing the jingle of coins against paper money.

He slides across the London blocks. Reaching his apartment building he goes to the door when a shout comes from around the corner.''Sie gibt'' says a voice. The man turns to see a man.''Hell''thought the man as he started to walk to the soldier. Reaching the armed man he asks ''yes, what is it''. The young soldier stares at him and tells the man''Papers''. The man reaches in his pocket and takes out a few folded papers and gives them to the soldier.


The soldier then asks''Thomas Penchin?''. The supposed Thomas Penchin says ''yes''. The soldier frowns, gives back his papers and walks away.

''Well at least I didn't have to bribe him ''Thought Thomas.

Looking back as he goes up to the door he sees the soldier walling away reading a book. ''Must be one of those German to English pocket books.

Feeling tired Thomas walks in and shuts the door.

As he walks up to his room. Opening his door he walks in and spots his window. ''Hell,they finally did it''. Still looking at what use to be one of Britain's prize monuments Big Ben draped with large flags with swastikas all over it.


The war is over but another has just began.




Well hope you like it.

I'll be brief. This work is two halves, both of which are interesting if improved upon a little. The first part, a man dodging patrols to trade with someone else, and the other half London being taken over by Nazis. They're both interesting in themselves, but they definitely don't go together without more info, more backstory.

You also have a few grammar problems. But more importantly, this writing is dull where it should shine. I won't try to explain, but here's an example.

This:

A lone figures scurries through an alley on a cold winter night. Making sure no patrols spots him he makes it up to a 20ft wooden fence at the end of the alley. Taking out and looks at his pocket watch he thinks''5 minutes to 12, He better be here.''. He then leans his head against the high wall. Listening he hears the sound of footsteps on the other side.

Should be more like this:

A lone figures scurries through an alley on a bitterly cold winter night. He checks behind him to make sure no patrols are following, before clambering up a tall fence near the end of the alley. He looks at his pocket watch. 5 minutes to 12 - he better be here. Then, quietly, he leans his head against the high wall, hearing faint footsteps on the other side.

Just generally, be more descriptive, and use powerful verbs and descriptors. He doesn't 'make it up' a fence, he 'clambers over it' or at least 'climb's it. Less 'he does this, then this, then he does this'- vary it up a bit.

Sorry, probably not making any sense here. Just revise a little bit, clear things up, and info and back story, and really make your writing shine.

You definitely have me intrigued though. This could be awesome with a little polish. Keep at it for sure.

Well thanks I'll make sure any other writing I do will be as good as it should. The major problem I had was giving it away that the nazis took London. I just couldn't say ''And the nazis took London''. But thanks for your advice but only if I get like but till I get a few more replies accepting this I won't make a new one.

Yo,
When Ijoined this site about a month ago, the first very important thing I learned, from the reviews (thax everyone!) is the 50 should be 'fifty', 12 should be 'twelve', 5 should be 'five', etc.

The second thing I would like to point out, which can be seen if you study closely any book, that there is usually a comma after the first part of someone's sentence, like:
"What I don't understand," said Thomas while dismantling his rifle, "is how we managed to lose this war. We had the radar's didn't we?"

Thirdly, I would like to praise your choice of topic. I myself have been the greatest fan of post world war three fiction, and third reich victory in world war two fiction. Since I was your age actually. Perhaps you already know them, but here are my favorites of the second type:
1. The Man in the High Castle
2. The Year Before Yesterday
3. SS GB (closest to your direction)
4. Fatherland

And last, try to not lose speed, write, write like the wind hahaha. I suggest a shift of focus, if you are unsure of what you are writing. For instance - you write that a man enters a room. You are not certain what happens next. Don't stop! Describe the room, describe the table, describe what used to happen in the room, describe what the man sees and feels, and by the time you actually know what happens next, you've not wasted time but added a valuable description.

Good luck, I'll be waiting for the next part!

You’ve got some good reviews so far. I’m going to touch on a few things. Firstly it was brave of you to attempt this type of narration but I think your story would be more interesting and effective if you wrote “scurried” instead of “scurries”, if you know what I mean. Secondly I think your ending line would sound a lot cooler if you said: “...but another had just begun,” but that’s my opinion.
Anyway, best of luck with the rest of your story! I hope to read some more soon.
*coco

This first page does draw my attention and looks interesting. However if the narration was in the past tense "scurried" it is more flexible. Other than that a good start!

Well thanks for all your feed back guys. I'll start making my new post soon.

The age-old question what if Germany won the war. I like war literature but have never read the stories were Germany won but I am going to read this one for a change. I especially like it when you write

The war is over but another has just began.

I would personally have liked to know more about how Germany managed to invade England and what happened during “Operation sea lion”. (The name given to the plan for invading England)

All the best.