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Last Demon of Earth



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Wed May 20, 2009 4:50 am
Conrad Rice says...



The Annabel glared at the fleet before it. The ships of the Anzari Empire were arrayed at the edge of the asteroid field, weapons primed, shields charged, exteriors glinting in the light of the Zaxus star. The long black hull of the Annabel, sharp edges and ferocious design, was a sharp contrast to the near holy appearance of its adversaries, with their curved white and gold hulls, looking like the very chariots of God himself.

Captain Mason sat in the command chair on the bridge, scanning the visual of the enemy fleet intently. The Anzari had brought the entire Sweeping Force here, for this last free remnant of the people of Earth. In the forefront was the Ha’ahfaset, the uninhabited husk of the god Ha'ah, the crown jewel of the entire Anzari fleet, and the personal flagship of High Prior Rezzenin. Blood flowed to Captain Mason’s face as he gazed at it, the vessel that had lead the slinkers all the way to Earth and had helped bomb its surface so intensely the crust had cracked.

“Sir?” First Mate Davidson said, interrupting the captain’s hatred for a moment. “All personnel are at their stations. The Anzari are not hailing yet, though they will before they begin their attack. Knowing you, you will have something to say.”

Mason nodded. “I will.” He turned to his first mate. “Davidson, you remember the Curve, don’t you?”

She nodded. “I remember what we did there.”

He cast a glance at the alien fleet and turned back to her. “Do you think it was worth it?”

“That will depend upon how many we bring down today, sir.”

Mason nodded and looked back at the view screen. The tactical readout gave their situation plain enough. An asteroid field to their rear. Fifteen cruisers, fifteen destroyers, five carriers, ten battleships, and one big godship before them. It was bleak, and everyone knew that.

Mason flipped the switch that turned on the shipwide intercom. “My friends, this is your captain speaking. They’ve hunted us down, finally. It took them four long years, following in our wake while we burned a swath of destruction across their little empire. Now they’ve got us pinned.”

“I’ve known you all for a long time. We escaped the destruction of Earth together, endured these four long years together as a force that has instilled dread in the Anzari, as a last demonic remnant of humanity. But now we are faced with the possibility that this battle shall prove to sunder us all in one fell stroke.”

“I will not ask you to forget that. I cannot forget it myself. But, I would ask you to remember all that we have done, all the things that we have accomplished as brothers and sisters aboard the Annabel. We have schemed, fought, and screamed at the void countless times. Now, today, I ask you, not as captain to crew, but as brother to brother, to stand at your posts and do it one last time.”

“And to those of you who fear what may come, I have found comfort in this. Once, I walked through green trees and fields in the garden of New York. It was the one place I would have liked to see again before Earth was destroyed. But the old legends have hope for us in that regard. They spoke of a place where the souls of sailors went when they died. Fiddler’s Green. A garden beyond comprehension, where eternal rest might be found.”

“We are sailors too, if of a different time than those long ago. So this same Fiddler’s Green is ours to claim should all go amiss. And if it does, and today is our last battle, then I shall welcome that rest. We have fought too long and too hard. An end must come, be it ours or theirs. If it shall be us, so be it. Fiddler’s Green awaits. But, if it is them, then I shall not mourn them, nor question the victory even once.”

There was a moment of silence. “Who among you shall step down from his post?”

The ship was still. No one moved. Mason could see it on the view monitors. Those who were at their posts remained there. He looked at his bridge crew. They also stood still, looking at their captain, waiting for his orders.

Mason smiled and turned back. “I thank you for your services. Prepare for battle, and what may come of that.”

He turned off the intercom. Pride welled up in his heart. This was the end of it all, and yet even now his crew was loyal and stout-hearted. They were human, through and through, passionate and hard-headed to the last.

“Captain? The Anzari are hailing.”

Mason nodded. “Put them on screen, Davidson.”

The viewscreen flickered and an image appeared. High Prior Rezzenin sat at his own command deck, his eyes blinking as they adjusted to Mason’s image on his own ship. A wave of disgust went through the human captain. Even now, seven years after first seeing an Anzari, they still reviled him. Pale, femininely thin, moving as though they were afraid of breaking something, they did not seem to be the conqueror race that they were. It was deception of a sort, a deception that many captains before Mason had succumbed to in one way or another. He was determined to not be the last.

“Captain Mason of the starship Annabel, we request that you...” Rezzenin began.

Mason cut him off. “No, Rezzenin. Not even if you promised freedom would we do what you say. There’s only one thing we would take in return, and it is not in your power to give it to us.”

Rezzenin’s forehead wrinkled for a moment or two, then smoothed again. “So be it.”

The viewscreen flickered off. Mason wasted no time. “Begin the bombardment.”

Decker, the weapons officer, activated the first card in the Annabel’s deck. From behind them, some of the asteroids began to move forward. Powered by engines that had been salvaged and cannibalized from the Annabel’s conquest, the rocks advanced on the Anzari fleet.

Mason held his breath. The shields on the Anzari ships would not deflect these. His hope was that they managed to accelerate to an optimum speed. Then, even if they were broken apart by missile or plasma fire, they would still head forward, and either cause damage to the fleet, or force it to break ranks.

The Anzari ships fired at the asteroids. A few of the smaller ones were picked off before they reached the critical speed. But for the most part, the rocks surged on, even after they lost their engines, driven forward by simple inertia.

The enemy fleet tried to take evasive maneuvers. Most of the cruisers were able to avoid being hit, and the asteroids missed the Ha’ahfaset completely. But a good deal of the rocks smashed into the Anzari ships. A destroyer was split right down the middle by a particularly large one. A smaller one slammed into one of the carriers, damaging but not destroying it. Everywhere, ships broke apart as they met the incoming asteroids.

“Report,” Mason barked.

“Sensors show that our gambit has destroyed or damaged a third of the Anzari fleet,” Davidson said.

Mason nodded. It was a good chunk. But the battle was not over yet. “Hard ahead, maximum speed. Steer for the Ha’ahfaset. Begin firing offensive weaponry. Concentrate on the cruisers. Keep us on course.”

The Annabel surged forward. Its black hull threaded through the vacuum like a great needle. The Anzari ships that were still unscathed began to fire upon it. Their energy bolts impacted upon the shields. The ship shuddered, but stayed true, moving towards the enemy fleet on dark wings.

All along the spine of the Annabel missiles launched from primed tubes and streaked towards their targets. Their impacts blossomed upon the ships of the Anzari fleet. The mining beam mounted at the front of the ship burned bright red as it cut into a nearby cruiser, breaking through it’s shields and searing a jagged line in its hull.

All the while, the Ha’ahfaset loomed larger and larger upon the viewscreen of the Annabel. Mason’s eyes were fixed upon it, watching the distance between the two ships grow smaller and smaller. He had one trick he wanted to play here, a trick that might give the Annabel a victory that the Anzari Empire could not recover from.

“Shields are at 45 percent. Hull integrity is still holding,” Davidson said.

Mason nodded, registering the situation. So much could still go wrong at this stage. If enough ships recovered and attacked, if a lucky missile strike happened to disable a critical system, if the Ha’ahfaset grew wise to their ploy, then all of this would be for nothing. Tall odds. But it was nothing this crew had not faced before.

The Ha’ahfaset fired its main plasma cannon. The beam struck at the Annabel. The ship rocked with the force of the impact. Warning lights flashed on the bridge and the officers held on to their stations to avoid getting thrown to the ground.

“Status!” Mason called out.

“Shields are now at 15 percent!” Davidson called out. “Hull integrity is at 75 percent and fluctuating!”

Mason looked up at the viewscreen again. The Ha’ahfaset looked to be charging up another shot. They couldn’t withstand another blow. The distance wasn’t optimal. But there was no choice. The Annabel had to at least attempt to live.

“Davidson, release the spear.”

Without a word, Davidson performed the command. On the spine of the Annabel, the long dorsal engine was released from its bonds to the ship. At the same time, it doubled its speed and raced forward.

“Bring us down!” Mason barked. The Ha’ahfaset was coming on fast.

The Annabel banked downward. Its bristling hull prepared to pass below the Ha’ahfaset.

“Fire warheads at the Ha’ahfaset’s weaponry. Protect the spear.”

Decker sent a command to the warhead tubes. The long silver bolts slid out of the side of the ship and shot forward. They streaked around the engine and raced ahead of it, seeking out plasma emitters and destroying them.

“The spear is holding course,” Davidson said. “The warheads are eliminating most of the defensive weaponry.”

“Pummel the Ha’ahfaset as we go beneath it.”

Decker punched in more commands. Now the Annabel’s fire was directed solely at the Ha’ahfaset. The engine passed through the shields of the Anzari godship and slammed into its stainless exterior, tearing a wound in it.

The viewscreen flickered again. High Prior Rezzenin stood there. A look of rage was embedded in his face. Mason laughed. ‘Don’t look so angelic now, do you?’ he thought to himself.

“You dare to attack the Ha’ahfaset?” the Anzari asked.

“I’ve got one better,” Mason said. “I’m not done yet.” He turned to his first mate. “Davidson, detonate the spear.”

Without a word, Davidson pressed a button on her control panel. The tear in the side of the Ha’ahfaset soon expanded as the engine went critical and ripped open the structure of the godship. The image of Rezzenin on the viewscreen suddenly flickered into blackness, leaving all of the bridge crew with a better view of their handiwork. The explosion tore the Ha’ahfaset in two, sending shards of metal careening out. One hit a cruiser, ripping it in two. The upper half of the godship still tried to fight on, but the lower half was done for. Broken and separated from the bridge, it soon succumbed to explosions and was ripped apart.

The viewscreen flickered again. Rezzenin was now visibly shaken. Sparks and smoke flew about on the formerly immaculate bridge behind him. A thin grim smile crossed Mason’s face when he saw this.

“How could you?” the High Prior asked. “This is our jewel!”

“Reap what you sowed,” Mason said.

The continuing fire from the Annabel as it dove beneath the wreckage of the Ha’ahfaset hit the upper section hard. The screen flickered black again, this time for good as the mining beam tore through it. The upper section now broke apart. Bits of metal drifted off in all directions as the Anzari fleet tried to regroup around it.

Mason sighed. “We’ve done good.”

A blaring alarm brought him out of his momentary victory stupor. The Annabel rocked as bolts from the remaining Anzari ships hit its hull.

“Sir, the shields aren’t going to hold much longer!” Davidson said.

“What’s the tactical situation?” Mason asked.

Davidson looked down at her viewscreen. “Half of the remaining ships are breaking off. A few appear to be self-destructing. The remainder are still continuing their assault.”

Mason laughed. “You hear that? They’re not in this! They’re quitting! Fire remaining warheads at the last cruisers. Blow them apart.”

The Annabel sent off yet another wave of its deadly payload. The warheads streaked through the blackness of space towards their targets. The cruisers shot most of them down, though a few still managed to find a mark and detonate, sending more Anzari out into the void.

“Sir! More Anzari ships have just entered the system! Six dreadnoughts and two carriers!”

“Viewscreen, Davidson.”

The viewscreen flickered on. The ships had only just dropped out of slipstream. Mason did not wonder what they were thinking, gazing upon what was left of their fleet, upon the remains of their pride and joy. He had already felt it once before, gazing upon the surface of a black and burning Earth. Now he only felt elation.

“They’re hailing,” Davidson said.

“Put them on,” Mason said.

The viewscreen flickered again. The image of another Anzari, one less important than Rezzenin had been, appeared.

“I am Lesser Prior Wrozzin. Tell me what has happened here! What has become of the Sweeping Force? Where is the Ha’ahfaset?”

“We destroyed it,” Mason boasted. “We broke it in half and scattered its pieces to the void. You hear that? The body of your god, the sacred vessel of Ha’ah himself, is just bits of metal floating in space!”

The Anzari furrowed his brow. “We will burn you. Your ship will be annihilated to such a degree that nothing will be left to scavenge. Only dust and echoes will mark your passage into oblivion!”

“Very well,” Mason said. “But that still won’t bring back Ha’ahfaset.”

The viewscreen flickered off. Mason turned and looked at the bridge crew. “Fire away.”

The Annabel fired at the Anzari ships. Missile after missile streaked across wreckage-filled space. The mining laser cast it’s orange light upon the shields of the enemy vessels, attempting to weaken them. But the Anzari ships were fresh, and filled with a desire for vengeance. There was a solid wall of plasma between them and their victim.

An explosion rocked the Annabel. “Shields are disabled!” Davidson said. Another explosion blew out her viewscreen, filling her face with bits of metal and glass. Mason turned and looked at her prone body. He should be sad, should mourn this death. And yet he laughed.

“Farewell, Davidson!” he said. “I’m proud of what we were. I will see you soon!”

The Annabel buckled under the stress of more explosions. “We’re breaking up!” Decker yelled over the confusion.

“What more did we expect?” Mason asked. “Fire until we cannot fire any more!”

Missiles still streaked out from the human ship. They bloomed upon the hulls of the Anzari ships, tarnishing their immaculate hulls with fire and death. The mining laser fired out until it was destroyed. Mason laughed and laughed, even as his ship fell apart around him.

“Come on!” he yelled to the Anzari fleet. “Let your fire come! Give me wings that I might fly! My restless soul is longing!”

The enemy ships answered him with a greater barrage. The Annabel began to break up. The ventral engine went out with a spectacular explosion, ripping the stern of the ship apart. The weapons console caught fire in Decker’s face. He ran from the bridge screaming, searching for something to put out the flames.

In those last moments of chaos, Mason felt something. A warm summer breeze graced his cheek. He thought he smelled honeysuckle and jasmine, the sweet smells from home. A smile crossed his face as he took deep breaths.

“No pain remains,” he said as the Annabel began to ignite. “No feeling, save that of wonder. Eternity awaits.”

The bridge was consumed in the final death explosions of the Annabel. Her long black hull broke apart under the concentrated plasma fire of the Anzari fleet. The demon died, and her wreckage mingled with the Ha’ahfaset’s. Black bits of metal mixed with gold and white, and all were the same in the void.




This is for Cal's Chorus Contest. The song is Fiddler's Green by Tragically Hip. The word is catharsis.
Last edited by Conrad Rice on Sun May 31, 2009 3:21 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Sun May 24, 2009 10:34 pm
Juniper says...



Conrad, June here!


-_-


How? You give me a piece to review that almost doesn't need a review? Seriously, you and Kylan are going to have to stop asking me for reviews.

Let's see:

Usually, I cannot stand reading stories about wars at sea. I really like the book Lord Johnnie (Leslie Turner White), but that's like, an exception. I don't like wars at sea.

However, I loved this. The intensity of it was amazingly done-- it reminded me of Lord Johnnie, and the fact that you were able to capture the excitement, the rush, the tension in as little words as this is truly amazing.

One of the main things that I usually find about battle scenes is that the authors do not know what to include. They find the shooting and screaming necessary, but often they leave out the crucial tentative moments and commands.

You did an excellent job here, Connie. I cannot pick at anything here and if I did it would be extremely useless.

Very spectacular job here, Coon. Two thumbs up; gold star. Keep up the nice work. ^_^

Juniper
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Tue May 26, 2009 1:48 am
Sureal says...



Yo Conrad. =)


the near holy appearance of its adversaries


The ‘near holy appearance’? Sounds very impressive as a concept, but … I can’t picture it. The phrase doesn’t conjure up any image in my mind.

This is a case of telling when you should be showing.

Do they perhaps resemble a gothic Church? or maybe it’s because they’re golden and shining? Whatever it is, maybe you could be a little more precise about what you mean. Show us why they look near holy.


Mason flipped the switch that turned on the shipwide intercom. “Speech paragraph one.

“Speech paragraph two.

“Speech paragraph three.

“Speech paragraph four.

“Speech paragraph five.”


Because this is the same person talking, you can delete the red speech marks. They aren’t needed, and will only confuse the reader, as they give the impression that there’s actually two people taking it in turns to speak.

Remember: you don’t use a closing speech mark if the speech is going to carry on in a new paragraph. You do still start the new paragraph with an opening speech mark, though.


The explosion tore the Ha’ahfaset in two. The upper half still tried to fight on, but the lower half was done for. It soon succumbed to explosions and was ripped apart.


This feels rather anti-climatic. I’d like you to show us the explosion a bit more, because at the moment it’s far too clinical. You have this epic space battle, and then at the end of it you’re basically just saying, ‘then there was an explosion here and here. The end.’

Make the ship’s destruction really come to life with your words. Don’t be afraid to take your time and describe it a bit more - this is, after all, what the entire story has lead up to. It is the climax. Make it impressive.


I’m surprised this hasn’t had more reviews already. It’s got a brilliant, attention attracting title, and is a well written piece of sci-fi naval action. Apart from the issues stated above, I really enjoyed it. =)

So yeah, good work.


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Tue May 26, 2009 10:54 pm
elijah1 says...



Hello Conrad.

By the way, thanks for helping with my history homework about a month ago. (At least, I think it was you who helped me.)

As for my critique:

The Annabel glared at the fleet before it.

The Annabel? When you say 'Annabel,' the first thing that pops into my mind is a girl, not a ship.

Notice that if you took out 'the,' you would just have:
Annabel glared at the fleet before it.

This makes me think of a girl with her arms crossed, glaring.
I think you should mention whatever 'The Annabel' is before you give us its name. Have the readers picture a ship before you tell them that it's called 'The Annabel.'

Notice that you don't really tell us that 'The Annabel' is a ship until:
The long black hull of the Annabel, sharp edges and ferocious design, was a sharp contrast to the near holy appearance of its adversaries.

which is the last sentence of the paragraph.

In my mind, you also use too many names in the first paragraph. Fancy, unnecessary names. This can be a problem.
Readers like me tend to pay more attention to names than the words after them.

For example:
The ships of the Anzari

and
light of the Zaxus

mean nothing to me. Even though you have the words 'empire' and 'star' after them, my imagination gets confused. My mind tries to focus on learning names like Anzari and Zaxus, when really it should just focus on ships and stars.

To summarize everything I've just said: be careful when throwing unnecessary information at the reader.

... had brought the entire Sweeping Force here, for this last free remnant of the people of Earth.

To do what? This is a bit vague. They brought the fleet for the people of Earth. Now, this could either be to kill them or to help them.

In the forefront was the Ha’ahfaset, the crown jewel of the entire Anzari fleet and the personal flagship of High Prior Rezzenin.

If you take out all of the fancy names, you have:
In the forefront was the crown jewel of the entire fleet and the personal flagship.

In the forefront of what? This sentence seemed a bit random. In fact, the whole paragraph seems a bit random. First you go from Captain Mason to the Anzari to the crown jewel to a personal flagship.

By the way, what are the Anzari? The word is meaningless to me.

My mind is having trouble picturing this.

So far, the story is not from the perspective of a character.

the vessel that had lead the slinkers all the way to Earth and had helped bomb its surface so intensely the crust had cracked.

Careful not to overload the reader with information, especially if it's unnecessary information.
(And I think 'lead' should be 'led').

“Sir?” First Mate Davidson said, interrupting the captain’s hatred for a moment.

I would reword this. The words should be put in the order of what happens. In this case, I would let the reader know who is going to speak before it happens. Otherwise, the reader can't visualize what is spoken until you're done describing it.

First, a character is about to speak. Second, the captain's hatred is interrupted. Third, the meaning of the words sink in.

For example, to put everything in order:
First Mate Davidson hesitated before the captain. "Sir?"

Next, I would have the captain respond. Instead of writing:
interrupting the captain’s hatred for a moment.

I would suggest, (in a new paragraph), something like:
The captain turned. "Now what?"

Then I would continue with First Mate Davidson's speech.

Try to put words in the order that they happen.

She nodded. “I remember what we did there.”

Davidson's a 'she'? I thought Davidson was a guy. What is her first name? The name 'Davidson' makes me think of a man.

Mason nodded and looked back at the view screen.

What view screen? I believe this is the first you've mentioned it.

They’ve hunted us down, finally.

I'm sorry but I don't like this sentence, finally. Maybe move the word 'finally' to the middle of the sentence?
They’ve finally hunted us down.

It's just a thought.

“I will not ask you to forget that. I cannot forget it myself. But, I would ask you to remember all that we have done, all the things that we have accomplished as brothers and sisters aboard the Annabel. We have schemed, fought, and screamed at the void countless times. Now, today, I ask you, not as captain to crew, but as brother to brother, to stand at your posts and do it one last time.

Good paragraph.

We are sailors too, if of a different time than those long ago. So this same Fiddler’s Green is ours to claim should all go amiss. And if it does, and today is our last battle, then I shall welcome that rest. We have fought too long and too hard. An end must come, be it ours or theirs. If it shall be us, so be it. Fiddler’s Green awaits. But, if it is them, then I shall not mourn them, nor question the victory even once

That's not very encouraging to the sailors.

femininely thin

Ha, that's a bit sexist. I don't think the word 'femininely' is necessary. Besides, it's relatively hard to pronounce.

It was deception of a sort

Of a sort?

He was determined to not be the last.

The last what? The last to succumb to deception? This confuses me.

“Captain Mason of the starship Annabel, we request that you...” Rezzenin began.

Again, check word order. Words should be in the order of when they happen. Don't bother telling us who is speaking by the time they're done.

For example, try:
“Captain Mason of the starship Annabel," Rezzenin began, "We request that you...”

OR
Rezzenin began, “Captain Mason of the starship Annabel, we request that you...”

NOT
“Captain Mason of the starship Annabel, we request that you...” Rezzenin began.


Also...
Mason cut him off. “No...

If Mason truly cuts him off, you don't need to tell us 'Mason cut him off.' It slows down the dialogue.

engines that had been salvaged and cannibalized

Cannibalized? Even though this word may have meanings similar to 'salvage,' the word has other connotations. To me, the word makes me think of people eating other people, regardless of its several definitions.
I'm not telling you to change the word. Just try be aware of the feelings and ideas created by the words you use. It's just something to keep in mind.

“Report,” Mason barked.

Barked? The word 'said' is fine to use.
“Bring us down!” Mason barked

If you mention Mason in this paragraph, you don't even need to say 'Mason barked' or even 'Mason said.'

For example:
Mason ___ (did something). “Bring us down!”


This can be observed in the last paragraph of the story:
Mason sighed. “We’ve done good.”


Overall: Impressive. That was epic.

Suggestions:
~ Be careful of word order. Make sure you tell what happens as it happens.
~ Add more character development

The characters didn't really have any distinct qualities. They just seemed to be people fulfilling their duties. I noticed that you didn't really focus on any specific character, which is fine, except be careful not to neglect character development.

Character development should be used even in battle scenes.

I hope my critique helped.

PM me if you have any questions, comments, or concerns.
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Thu Jun 04, 2009 11:02 pm
ridersofdamar says...



So I just read over the last two reviews, and I think they covered pretty much everything.

One thing that confused me was the names. You threw to much at us when they meant nothing to us. If this was a chapter near an end of a book, then it would be fine the way you wrote it. The reason for this was the fancy names that were hard to pronounce. What Im going to say is hard to explain so I'll give an example.

If there is an alien species and they have food and you say this and then you say they picked up some Harfinkledel. We are going to say "Whats Harfinkledel?" and you'll say, "Its bread." So call it bread. If Harfinkledel is bread, then call it bread. But if Harfinkledel turns out to be the source of the alien species psychic powers, then you have every right to call it Harfinkledel, because it is no longer just bread.

The same thing goes with the Anzari. For the first couple of paragraphs they just seem like typical conquer the universe type aliens. When you give them a description and define them a little more call them the Anzari.

What i'm trying to say is that special names aren't needed until the subject of the name is special.

So, something else. What exactly did the crew do at "the Curve" is that where they got the engines for the asteroids?

Also, you make the Anzari seem week and cocky, hardly a race that could conquer earth. Their ships were bested by a single ship and some asteroids. The Annabel's shields took a lot of damage, but their ships didn't stop ship fragment. Just saying its a little unrealistic.

Overall it was very nice and besides those little details it was very well written, and had a very catchy title.
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Mon Jun 15, 2009 5:07 am
JabberHut says...



Hiya, Connie! I'm here after a gazillion years! :D

So I'm with June in that it's hard critiquing a piece that seems great to me. XD Bear with me while I stumble through some words. ^^

Also, Sureal has touched on the dialogue issues I found pretty much. So. What else is there to say...

I know I had trouble with Captain Mason. Probably because I related him to Captain Kirk for the first half though. XD He was all dramatic and gave this uber long and dramatic speech in the midst of battle like Kirk did. Then at the end, Mason's laughing and daring the enemy to attack them. It's kind of a mood swing. I'm unsure I like it. xD

By the time I finished, I had to go back to the beginning as well. So did they start an entirely new battle? Or was this continued? I don't know whether to imagine a shiny, new ship or a beat-up warship before they get into battle.

Davidson was done well! And the battle scenes/commands were fantastic. I always like a good battle scene. xD I wouldn't mind seeing some more destruction or more alerts. It was kind of slurred over, but seeing a piece of the ceiling fall on the navigator or some such. Get a bit more creative, I guess, in your destruction?

I think that's it though. I really enjoyed this piece! Makes me wish I read more sci-fi than fantasy rather than the other way around. xD Very good job!

Keep writing!

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Mon Jul 27, 2009 7:05 pm
Snoink says...



10:39:10 AM Conrad: hihi
10:39:17 AM Snoinky <3: hello!
10:39:23 AM Conrad: how busy are you?
10:39:28 AM Snoinky <3: why?
10:39:37 AM Conrad: I would like to sell you my soul
10:39:41 AM Conrad: for some help :P
10:40:02 AM Snoinky <3: what kind of help? :P
10:40:27 AM Conrad: i would like that story of mine that's being considered for publication to have a very picky person go over it
10:40:41 AM Conrad: preferably someone knowledgeable in sci fi
10:40:48 AM Snoinky <3: haha
10:40:59 AM Snoinky <3: you can send it, if you want
10:41:12 AM Conrad: well, it's on YWS
10:41:15 AM Conrad: i'll send you the link
10:41:19 AM Conrad: you don't have to post a review
10:41:27 AM Conrad: just send me a PM or something about how much it sucks :P
10:41:42 AM Snoinky <3: you don't want me to up my reviews count???
10:41:56 AM Conrad: well, i didn't know if you wanted people to know you were reviewing
10:41:57 AM Conrad: :P
10:42:05 AM Snoinky <3: why wouldn't I?
10:42:14 AM Snoinky <3: ZOMG, SNOINK DOES REVIEWS!!!!
10:42:14 AM Conrad: cause then newbs would flock to you
10:42:23 AM Conrad: like horrendous birds
10:42:23 AM Conrad: :P
10:42:42 AM Snoinky <3: no they wouldn't
10:43:13 AM Snoinky <3: that would require them noticing that I reviewed your story
10:43:19 AM Snoinky <3: in any case, I need a link
10:43:24 AM Conrad: topic48256.html
10:43:28 AM Conrad: was working on it :P
10:43:31 AM Conrad: *is slow*
10:43:41 AM Conrad: thank you very much :)
10:44:55 AM Snoinky <3: The Annabel = ship?
10:45:00 AM Conrad: yes
10:45:03 AM Conrad: that's already been pointed out
10:45:04 AM Conrad: :P
10:45:28 AM Snoinky <3: what do you mean?
10:45:43 AM Conrad: people have already told me i need to point that out at the beginning
10:45:56 AM Conrad: so i just changed that to The starship Annabel
10:46:02 AM Snoinky <3: ew
10:46:10 AM Conrad: *hides*
10:46:23 AM Snoinky <3: BECAUSE WE HAVE TO USE MORE WORDS TO CLARIFY
10:46:35 AM Snoinky <3: as, you know, making it more eloquent
10:46:38 AM Conrad: :P
10:46:43 AM Conrad: all right
10:47:10 AM Snoinky <3: what if you started with Captain Mason and integrated what you have in the second paragraph with the first
10:47:17 AM Conrad: :P
10:47:24 AM Conrad: but i don't want it entirely from his viewpoint
10:47:30 AM Conrad: i want a more omniscient one
10:48:24 AM Snoinky <3: A more omniscient one that sucks balls?
10:48:27 AM Snoinky <3: good choice
10:48:31 AM Conrad: :P
10:48:40 AM Conrad: the omniscient choice is really that bad?
10:49:07 AM Snoinky <3: you want to use description first, which is a good choice
10:49:21 AM Snoinky <3: however, you don't want to describe it from the outside, since it means nothing
10:49:53 AM Snoinky <3: you want to describe the bridge and what the captain sees and you're going to want to put it as poetically as possible
10:50:09 AM Snoinky <3: contrast to the near holy appearance of its adversaries, with their curved white and gold hulls, looking like the very chariots of God himself.

10:50:23 AM Snoinky <3: What if you said, "They looked like jewels."
10:50:26 AM Snoinky <3: as an opening
10:50:40 AM Conrad: that might work
10:50:48 AM Conrad: i just want to be able to describe the battle scene
10:51:01 AM Conrad: and i don't see how i can do that well being stuck on a bridge
10:51:10 AM Conrad: when i could be outside looking at it :P
10:51:18 AM Snoinky <3: that way, you can emphasize the holiness of their appearance but also come at a good opening of describing it
10:51:43 AM Snoinky <3: when you're at the bridge, you can't talk about the Annabel's outer appearence, but you can describe the INTERIOR
10:51:53 AM Snoinky <3: which should reveal what the exterior says
10:51:58 AM Snoinky <3: or is
10:52:11 AM Conrad: all right
10:52:26 AM Conrad: but we're reduced to seeing the battle through a viewscreen
10:52:27 AM Conrad: that's no fun
10:52:39 AM Snoinky <3: YOU'RE A F***ING SCI FI WRITER
10:52:49 AM Snoinky <3: YOU CAN MAKE THE VIEWSCREEN AS BIG AS YOU WANT
10:52:49 AM Conrad: i know
10:52:53 AM Snoinky <3: stop complaining!
10:53:01 AM Snoinky <3: it can be as realistic as you want
10:53:28 AM Conrad: all right :P
10:54:27 AM Conrad: sorry
10:55:01 AM Snoinky <3: less apologizing, more editing, lol
10:55:05 AM Conrad: :P
10:55:23 AM Snoinky <3: I am critiquing your story now, you realize
10:55:27 AM Conrad: yes
10:55:29 AM Snoinky <3: I like doing IM critiques
10:55:29 AM Conrad: I do
10:55:34 AM Conrad: haha, all right
10:55:38 AM Conrad: i guessed as much
10:56:04 AM Snoinky <3: interrupting the captain’s hatred for a moment.
10:56:10 AM Snoinky <3: that line equals CHEESE
10:56:22 AM Snoinky <3: "Oh, if I may interrupt your hatred, please..."
10:56:26 AM Conrad: :P
10:56:31 AM Conrad: how could i fix that?
10:57:04 AM Snoinky <3: get rid of the offending words
10:57:33 AM Conrad: all right
10:59:34 AM Snoinky <3: Knowing you, you will have something to say.”

10:59:40 AM Snoinky <3: this lines makes me quake
10:59:45 AM Snoinky <3: I smell a monologue
10:59:55 AM Conrad: you have good smelling sense
11:00:13 AM Snoinky <3: The Anzari are not hailing yet, though they will before they begin their attack.
11:00:18 AM Snoinky <3: Instead:
11:00:42 AM Snoinky <3: The Anzari have not yet.
11:00:55 AM Conrad: all right
11:01:08 AM Snoinky <3: then you have a whole, of course
11:01:21 AM Snoinky <3: because the Knowing you, blah blah line doesn't fit
11:01:38 AM Snoinky <3: but that's your perfect opportunity to get rid of it and put something better!!!
11:01:48 AM Conrad: all right
11:02:36 AM Snoinky <3: BAD GRAMMAR ALERT
11:02:37 AM Conrad: so, say "The Anzari have not yet begun to hail us" and then go into what follows?
11:02:39 AM Conrad: what?
11:02:44 AM Conrad: is it "it's" ?
11:02:48 AM Conrad: *does that too frequently*
11:02:55 AM Snoinky <3: “My friends, this is your captain speaking. They’ve hunted us down, finally. It took them four long years, following in our wake while we burned a swath of destruction across their little empire. Now they’ve got us pinned.”

“I’ve known
11:03:07 AM Conrad: the quotation marks ;P
11:03:08 AM Conrad: *:
11:03:10 AM Conrad: *:P
11:03:21 AM Snoinky <3: The last quotation mark on the paragraph shouldn't be there
11:03:25 AM Conrad: right
11:03:33 AM Conrad: that's fixed on the copy i sent to them
11:03:44 AM Snoinky <3: ><
11:03:51 AM Snoinky <3: is the content fixed
11:04:02 AM Conrad: *hides* no
11:04:08 AM Conrad: and that's what they told me to fix
11:04:10 AM Conrad: or, one of the things
11:04:22 AM Conrad: told me to shorten it and punch it up
11:04:43 AM Snoinky <3: GOD
11:04:46 AM Snoinky <3: MONOLOGUES
11:04:51 AM Conrad: *hides*
11:05:01 AM Snoinky <3: I want to show you an interesting dialogue from FREAK
11:05:06 AM Conrad: all right
11:06:40 AM Conrad: do so :)
11:07:31 AM Conrad: holy crap, i may have fixed the monologue
11:07:33 AM Conrad: kind of
11:07:53 AM Snoinky <3: haha
11:07:56 AM Snoinky <3: which one?
11:08:00 AM Conrad: the big one
11:08:05 AM Conrad: the one you were all fuming about
11:08:17 AM Conrad: see, you said combine the first two paragraphs, right?
11:08:33 AM Snoinky <3: I was talking about the first two paragraphs of the story
11:08:35 AM Conrad: right
11:08:41 AM Conrad: that's what i'm talking about too
11:08:52 AM Snoinky <3: what is it now?
11:08:58 AM Conrad: well, i mentioned how Mason had seen earth break apart from the deck of the Annabel
11:09:13 AM Conrad: and then gave about a sentence or two that describes what the Annabel has been doing in that time
11:09:22 AM Conrad: which is about a third of what his monologue later is about
11:09:28 AM Conrad: so, that gets the point across
11:09:34 AM Snoinky <3: ><
11:09:35 AM Conrad: without him going all Kirk on us
11:09:38 AM Conrad: or not
11:09:39 AM Snoinky <3: let's see your edit
11:09:52 AM Conrad: They hung like jewels on the enormous viewscreen. Captain Mason studied them intently, searching for some weakness. The ships of the Anzari Collective were arrayed before them, shields charged, weapons primed, hulls glinting in the light from the nearby star. His stomach churned and his face grew hot as he saw the Ha’ahfaset at the head of the alien fleet. This was the flagship that had lead the slinkers to Earth, and had joined in the bombardment that had cracked the planet’s crust and split it in two. Mason remembered when he had seen it, fleeing his doomed homeworld in command of the Annabel. For four long years he and his crew had fought the Collective as best they could, striking outworld colonies
11:09:57 AM Conrad: not finished yet :P
11:10:53 AM Snoinky <3: haha, I can tell
11:10:56 AM Snoinky <3: keep working on that
11:11:01 AM Conrad: finished :P
11:11:07 AM Snoinky <3: is that finished?
11:11:12 AM Conrad: and reducing them to rubble. Now the Anzari had them pinned here, in an asteroid belt on the rim of the galaxy.
11:11:20 AM Conrad: tack that on the end
11:11:20 AM Conrad: :P
11:11:50 AM Snoinky <3: that's not edited
11:11:54 AM Snoinky <3: that's a rough draft
11:12:04 AM Conrad: i'm having to rewrite this
11:12:12 AM Conrad: of course it's going to be
11:12:34 AM Snoinky <3: hehe
11:12:39 AM Snoinky <3: only parts!
11:12:45 AM Conrad: a lot of it
11:12:51 AM Conrad: especially the battle scene
11:12:57 AM Conrad: since now it has to be from his viewpoint
11:13:20 AM Conrad: and i was especially proud of that battle scene
11:13:24 AM Snoinky <3: well
11:13:26 AM Snoinky <3: we shall see
11:13:32 AM Snoinky <3: I haven't actually gotten to that part
11:13:35 AM Conrad: kay
11:16:37 AM Snoinky <3:     They hung like jewels on black velvet on the viewscreen. The ships of the Anzari Collective were arrayed before them, shields charged, weapons primed, hulls glinting white in the light from the nearby star. The Anzari had them pinned here, in an asteroid belt on the rim of the galaxy. Captain Mason studied them intently, searching for some weakness.
11:16:55 AM Conrad: hm
11:16:57 AM Conrad: that works
11:17:04 AM Snoinky <3: edit it to your liking
11:17:08 AM Conrad: right
11:20:00 AM Snoinky <3: why is he asking for people to step down?
11:20:10 AM Conrad: :P
11:20:16 AM Conrad: I don't know
11:20:19 AM Snoinky <3: Was their dissent before?
11:20:28 AM Conrad: no
11:20:43 AM Snoinky <3: then he's just doing this for his own ego
11:20:48 AM Snoinky <3: and why is he captain? XD
11:20:50 AM Conrad: and it should be cut
11:20:51 AM Conrad: :P
11:21:31 AM Snoinky <3: He was determined to not be the last.
11:21:45 AM Conrad: all ready commented on and being fixed
11:21:45 AM Snoinky <3: that makes him look like he wants to become one of the first
11:22:31 AM Snoinky <3: Mason cut him off. “No, Rezzenin. Not even if you promised freedom would we do what you say. There’s only one thing we would take in return, and it is not in your power to give it to us.”
11:22:37 AM Snoinky <3: he's kind of an idiot
11:22:47 AM Snoinky <3: XD
11:22:50 AM Conrad: :P
11:22:56 AM Conrad: i suck, all right
11:22:56 AM Conrad: :P
11:23:12 AM Snoinky <3: lol
11:23:18 AM Snoinky <3: I am commenting on the character
11:24:01 AM Snoinky <3: instead of taking that as an insult to yourself, you can say that he is under a stressful situation, knows that the aliens will kill him anyway, and doesn't want to be fooled again
11:24:17 AM Conrad: haha, all right
11:24:23 AM Conrad: and i didn't take it as an insult
11:24:29 AM Conrad: i know he's got problems
11:24:29 AM Conrad: :P
11:24:31 AM Snoinky <3: lol
11:24:34 AM Snoinky <3: you siad you sucked!
11:24:47 AM Conrad: :P
11:24:51 AM Conrad: i kind of made him
11:24:52 AM Conrad: :P
11:24:54 AM Snoinky <3: that's what we call an insult. :P
11:24:57 AM Snoinky <3: lol
11:25:16 AM Snoinky <3: and you can say that Claude is a creepy bastard, but I wouldn't be offended
11:27:05 AM Conrad: all right
11:27:07 AM Conrad: :P
11:27:09 AM Conrad: well, he works
11:27:13 AM Conrad: Mason doesn't at this point
11:27:20 AM Conrad: he's like a bad version of Kirk
11:27:27 AM Snoinky <3: he works
11:27:30 AM Conrad: and not bad as in "evil goatee"
11:27:31 AM Conrad: :P
11:27:33 AM Snoinky <3: you just have to trim the dialogue
11:27:53 AM Snoinky <3: he's kind of a crazed, obsessed man who is all alone
11:29:24 AM Conrad: all right
11:29:24 AM Conrad: :P
11:29:27 AM Snoinky <3: you can heighten this perception and make it more genuine if you make him, as he's making his monologue, notice some people are talking amongst themselves, and bark at them and ask them if they want to back down
11:30:13 AM Conrad: haha
11:30:15 AM Conrad: all right
11:38:12 AM Conrad: still going?
11:38:36 AM Snoinky <3: I am getting distracted from stuff
11:38:42 AM Conrad: kay
11:38:46 AM Conrad: s'all good
11:39:51 AM Snoinky <3: and finally
11:40:00 AM Snoinky <3: my restaurant city is working
11:40:06 AM Conrad: good
11:40:10 AM Conrad: twould be a shame if it did not
11:41:07 AM Conrad: brb
11:42:32 AM Snoinky <3: “You dare to attack the Ha’ahfaset?” the Anzari asked.

11:42:38 AM Snoinky <3: KIND OF OBVIOUS
11:43:52 AM Snoinky <3: I find it hard that they would be having this discussion
11:44:03 AM Snoinky <3: C'est la guerre.
11:45:55 AM Snoinky <3:
“We destroyed it,” Mason boasted.
11:45:59 AM Snoinky <3: boasted sounds stupid
11:46:13 AM Snoinky <3: you need to have another description of him
11:47:40 AM Conrad: all right
11:48:22 AM Snoinky <3: Missiles still streaked out from the human ship. <-- awkward
11:49:58 AM Snoinky <3: Black bits of metal mixed with gold and white, and all were the same in the void.
11:50:03 AM Snoinky <3: instead, break that apart
11:50:35 AM Snoinky <3: Black bits of metal mixed with gold and white.

All were the same in the void.
11:50:46 AM Conrad: all right
11:50:56 AM Snoinky <3: The bridge was consumed in the final death explosions of the Annabel.
11:51:04 AM Snoinky <3: make that active
11:52:33 AM Conrad: The explosions consumed the bridge of the Annabel.
11:52:35 AM Conrad: ?
11:52:46 AM Snoinky <3: sure
11:54:01 AM Snoinky <3: also
11:54:02 AM Snoinky <3: “No pain remains,” he said as the Annabel began to ignite. “No feeling, save that of wonder. Eternity awaits.”
11:54:07 AM Snoinky <3: that sounds weird
11:54:10 AM Conrad: :P
11:54:12 AM Conrad: all right
11:56:49 AM Snoinky <3: and there!
11:57:26 AM Snoinky <3: you have to trim the monologue or interrupt it with action though
11:57:33 AM Snoinky <3: otherwise, it kind of sucks
11:57:42 AM Conrad: all right
11:57:45 AM Conrad: i'll trim it
11:57:49 AM Snoinky <3: I hink he would say that, but I want it interrupted
11:58:11 AM Snoinky <3: I don't think everyone will be all happy with this and I can't imagine why some people wouldn't look grim
12:01:07 PM Snoinky <3: so basically, that part needs to be trimmed, the whole "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?" dialogue needs to be cut out, and t he ending needs to be tweaked
12:01:58 PM Snoinky <3: and yeah
12:02:01 PM Snoinky <3: any questions?
12:02:24 PM Conrad: nope
12:02:30 PM Conrad: i think that works for me
12:02:36 PM Conrad: Thank you very much :)
12:02:52 PM Snoinky <3: all right!
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D
  








It’s not unorthodox, I thought it was beautiful.
— Jimi Hendrix