Young Writers Society

PRESERVED

A severed head, sitting in a jar. The laboratory is dim.
Where am I?
The eyes shift in their eye sockets. The head tilts in the jar. A strand of drool drops from its lip.
You are trapped.
Looking through the jar, the shelves outside look curved, distorted. A white smudge seems to create a cloud in the laboratory.
I sniff the air. The smell of death reaches my nostrils.
The jar rattles. The white smudge, the cloud, moves. The shelves bend. The room tilts.
I breathe in.
The severed head blinks. Its mouth hangs open.
I close my eyes. The smell of death.
The head, within the jar, sits on an empty shelf. It opens its eyes.
Your body is missing.
The head moves. The jar rattles.
Try to talk.
My throat is swollen.
The head opens its mouth.
I try to speak.
Drool drips to the bottom of the jar.
You have been dead a long time.
The head moves its mouth.
I hear rasping. Faint rasping. But I cannot speak.
Looking through the jar, through the white smudge, light shines into the dim room.
What is that?
Distorted, a curved door opens. A person enters the room.
Stop moving. Pretend that your dead.
The head tilts forward, and stops moving. The jar rocks back and forth.
Why? I want to get out of here.
The eyes widen. The jar stops moving.
You are trapped. Don't try to escape.
Looking through the jar, through the white smudge, the person approaches. Looking through the jar, the person is distorted, stretched, curved.
Someone is coming.
A thin strand of drool drops from the head's lip.
I know that.
Drip. Drip. Drool collects in the bottom of the jar.
Close your mouth.
A severed head sits in the jar. Against the jar, the reflection of a person stands with their arms crossed.
He knows your alive.
The head shivers. Eyes shift in their eye sockets.
Against the jar, the reflection reaches outward.
What? Where am I?
A hand, wearing a glove, grabs the jar. The hand takes the jar off the shelf.
You've been dead a long time.
A scientist holds the jar up to his face, admiring the severed head.
Looking through the jar, the room spins, moving in circles.
Let me out.
The head bangs against the jar. Another white smudge forms.
Looking through the jar, the laboratory blurs.
The head blinks.
The scientist smiles. "Hello there."
I try to speak. My throat is swollen.
The head moves its mouth.
Holding the jar, the scientist turns and walks through the laboratory.
Looking through the jar, the room spins.
Hang in there. You can't escape.
Looking through the jar, the room shakes. Shelves turn upside down, curving, distorted.
Let me out of here.
The head shuts its eyes.
I see only darkness. I feel the cold sides of the jar, banging against my face.
The scientist walks past shelves, and stops before a table.
Darkness, dizziness. I feel the room spin.
The scientist places the jar on the table.
Spinning, spinning, I feel the Earth turning.
The scientist reaches his hands out, his gloved hands.
You can open your eyes now.
The head blinks.
The gloved hands begin to unscrew the jar.
Looking through the jar, through the white smudges, the room seems clouded.
I want to get out.
The gloved hands take the lid off of the jar.
My throat is swollen. I gasp for air.
Just let yourself die.
I feel gloved hands grab around my head, around my face.
The scientist begins to lift the severed head out of the jar. The head closes its eyes.
You can die now. Now is your only chance.
Darkness, dizziness. My nose itches.
The scientist lifts the head and places it on the table.
I breathe one last breath. Air rushes from my mouth.
The scientist connects wires to the head.
The head stops moving.
The scientist clenches his teeth. "Man, this thing keeps dying."
His gloved hands grab a thick wire, and attach it to the severed neck.
The head remains slumped, dead.
The gloved hands flick an electrical switch. A surge of electricity flows through the wire.
The head shakes. The eyes open. The mouth lets out a shrill screech.
The scientist removes the wires from the head. "There we go."
Where am I?
The severed head blinks.
You can die now. Now is your only chance.
The eyes shift in their eye sockets. A strand of drool drops from the head's lip.
Just kidding.
The laboratory is cold. The scientist frowns.
My throat is swollen. I want to scream.

okay, basically you repeated the same thing over and over again...and over and over and over and over. it got a little annoying though. the way you wrote things over again also made it a little confusing. other than that...it was awesome. i thought it was really cool concept, but my mom thought it was really gross...I BEG TO DIFFER!!!
~Livi J.
keep writing!

Hey Elijah! How do you do?

---

What's going on in this story seems very interesting. The style it is written in, however, is extremely choppy and this is extremely distracting for the reader. There's no paragraphs that seem longer than two sentences, and this type of format would work for a small length of time, but not throughout an entire story. The way it is written now, it seems almost like a first draft, where you're planning out what you're going to write but haven't filled out the paragraphs yet.

You need to go through this story again and create paragraphs. Paragraphs can range from one - two sentences, like you have here, but it's good to vary it up a little, have some three - five, and more, sentence paragraphs. Basically, whenever you begin to explore a new concept, or when you stylistically or topically see fit, you start a new paragraph. Many of these sentences can be grouped together. For instance:

The head moves its mouth.
I hear rasping. Faint rasping. But I cannot speak.
Looking through the jar, through the white smudge, light shines into the dim room.
What is that?

This would sound just fine as:

The head moves its mouth. I hear rasping, faint rasping, but I cannot speak. Looking through the jar, through the white smudge, light shines into the dim room.
What is that?

The ongoing choppiness here isn't necessary, and you need to fix that. Also, more description can be given as well. As of now, your format also is, "and then and then and then". Take a moment and let the description roll by, describe the lab, before jumping so quickly to the next action.

I hope this review was helpful! PM me if you have any questions, darling!

~ Clo

Ah, thanks for the reviews.

82manycookies wrote:the way you wrote things over again also made it a little confusing

Darn.

With this piece, I was trying to write in both first person and third person for the same character. That's why I tended to repeat "the same thing over and over and over again." I kept switching from first person to third person.

82manycookies wrote:my mom thought it was really gross

I agree with your mom, by the way.

Clo wrote:This would sound just fine as:

The head moves its mouth. I hear rasping, faint rasping, but I cannot speak. Looking through the jar, through the white smudge, light shines into the dim room.
What is that?

I agree that the paragraphs are too choppy, but I disagree with the statement above. The above sentences cannot be grouped into the same paragraph.

The reason I put the first two sentences in separate paragraphs is because I changed from third person to second person.
The third paragraph, beginning with 'Looking through the jar,' describes the setting. I'm no longer talking about the character, the severed head. I am talking about something else, and therefore I am beginning to "explore a new concept."

But you are right about the choppy paragraphs. I need to make most of the paragraphs longer.

And you are right about how some parts can be grouped into one paragraph.

Rereading this, I notice that:

The scientist connects wires to the head.
The head stops moving.
The scientist clenches his teeth. "Man, this thing keeps dying."

This could all be moved into one paragraph.

Anyways, thanks for the reviews.

For anyone else who critiques:
Does it work switching between first person and third person?

Switching between first and third person doesn't work.

Here's an example of what it sounds like:

Jenny smiled at Mat.

I smiled at Mat.

"How're you going, Jenny?" The boy asked the girl, as he sat down beside her in the otherwise empty room.

"I'm fine." I said, "What bout you?"

"What bout you?" Said Jenny to the boy.

The girl shifted in her seat.

"A little sad." Mat said to me as I moved in my seat.

-------------

I don't get the story you're trying to convey with this. What was the point?

- Jadyn

Heya! I'm so sorry about how long it has taken to get to this. I've done so many exams and hikes and stuff. But hopefully, this will still be helpful to you.

Now for the review.

Basically, I loved this. You said you wanted to hear about whether switching between first and third person works - and I will get to that - but really, the idea gripped me from the start. I actually think the choppiness works, and I'd change nothing there. I've always believed that the writer has to create the canvas and sketch a few stickmen on it, and then the reader fills in the rest. This did not disappoint. As I read, I grew more and more confused but somehow, the sense developed in my sub conscience.

On the other hand, you're abusing italics. Take this example:

You can die now. Now is your only chance.
Darkness, dizziness. My nose itches.
The scientist lifts the head and places it on the table.
I breathe one last breath. Air rushes from my mouth.
The scientist connects wires to the head.
The head stops moving.
The scientist clenches his teeth. "Man, this thing keeps dying."

First, you've got the scientist telling the head he can die. I thought the italics were for the head? Otherwise, the scientist should say it. This is confusing but in a suggestive way, and it works because of that. But please, tone it down. I am at this point seeing no reason in the italics if the viewpoint is still very volatile between third and first person. My actual advice would be to remove the italics because I can still see where the viewpoint changes - and to whose - without them. The rest of this section has a viewpoint change to first person, then third, then first, then third, then third again, then a third saying something.

Now, I love your writing style, but there needs to be more clarification in there regards to whose speaking - not by you quoting this and telling but by somehow filtering it into the piece. 'Cause, there's only one person who can be speaking in this scene so that's maybe why it works. For a whole novel, it would get very annoying. I'd be interested about what you do here.

I hope this has been helpful. Again, sorry for the lateness.

Best
Blinky

Okay, that was a weird way of how you put this thing together. If you were trying to lengthen the size of your story then that's a negative. Second, your italicized words should actually be in "double apostrophes" instead of italics, even though the head isn't speaking (italics are for thoughts and emphasis).
Next thing to discuss is your sentences in general. They seem to pretty choppy with commas and periods attacking the reader every three to four words. Stretching out the sentences would improve the flow of the story and make it easier to read. Grammar could also be checked again.
The story, I like the creepiness and the imagination put into this, but I don't see the plot driving anywhere and the head is repeating itself constantly (it might also be a good idea to put some back story on the head)

Overall, three out of five. Its got some good surreal taste to it but I'm not buying it very well.

I really like idea of being merely a head which is trapped in a jar in a labritory whith the cruel ,bad guy, scientist.It has great potential for a real chilling horror piece but i have to say it needs it needs a few significant tweaks.

-The only thing that makes it horror is the thought of what is happening because you havn't described anything so therefore there isn't anything creepy about it apart from what the readers own imagination makes things look like. I know what your saying, it's ment to be like that but the truth is you've gone to far. I reccomend that if you havn't all ready, you read some of darren shans books because he writes short basic sentances like you but he adds just enough description to make it scary, plus his books are amazing!
-I also found it rather confusing because of the first person/ third person thing but i do think it's a great idea writing like that. I suggest that you find away to help the reader understand the switching thing.
I really hope you do edit and improve it because it has great potential plus i've only just joined and i would really appreaciate it if you could review the first few chapters of the science fiction/action/horror novel I'm about to begin posting. Be warned the prolouge isn't that exciting but on my opinion from chapter one on, it get quite exploxive!

I really like idea of being merely a head which is trapped in a jar in a labritory whith the cruel ,bad guy, scientist.It has great potential for a real chilling horror piece but i have to say it needs it needs a few significant tweaks.

-The only thing that makes it horror is the thought of what is happening because you havn't described anything so therefore there isn't anything creepy about it apart from what the readers own imagination makes things look like. I know what your saying, it's ment to be like that but the truth is you've gone to far. I reccomend that if you havn't all ready, you read some of darren shans books because he writes short basic sentances like you but he adds just enough description to make it scary, plus his books are amazing!
-I also found it rather confusing because of the first person/ third person thing but i do think it's a great idea writing like that. I suggest that you find away to help the reader understand the switching thing.
I really hope you do edit and improve it because it has great potential plus i've only just joined and i would really appreaciate it if you could review the first few chapters of the science fiction/action/horror novel I'm about to begin posting. Be warned the prolouge isn't that exciting but on my opinion from chapter one on, it get quite exploxive!