Young Writers Society

I never really understood how I had gotten myself into this situation.
As I looked up at the merciless eyes of the man who intended to kill me, pitch black, at the gleam of his sharp teeth in the moonlight, I tried to understand.
Helping an Immortal, what was I thinking? But Maria wasn't just an Immortal, that couldn't be right. I knew Maria best, and she was just as human as I was. But then again Maria didn't have to die tonight.
Maybe I would become an immortal when I die. I didn't know if I should shudder or feel comforted by that thought.
An immortal, a soul trapped in this world, collecting cells slowly, from dying humans, from the soil, from the world itself. Sucking it dry slowly. Collecting cells untill I have enough to make my own body. A human one. The word soul wouldn't be right. More like energy from people, positive thoughts, bad ones... that's what defines an Imortals character, as if they didn't have a choice.
But Maria- she was real, she was good, my thoughts blurred a bit.
Imortals had to feed, had to regain more cells, because their own cells died, with no way to regenerate. And once you had a human body, there was no turning back, and there was no alternative. They needed the humans will power.
The man with the black eyes snarled at me. "You're thinking about her, aren't you?" he spit out the her. My hands autmatically balled into fists. Maria had a name. She was a real person, just like me. She was good.
It's them, the Immortal hunters who were the monsters. Making Maria shake, her gentle face warped in shame and fright. She didn't want to do that. I knew she didn't. But nothing waited for Immortals on the other side. Nothing but the dark abyss.
Maria didn't mean to do anything wrong, if she didn't feed then her body would fade away.
I watched the man pull out a silver dagger, the trade mark of all Immortal hunters. And I was glad I was able to send Maria away, I was glad she was alive, somewhere. I knew why I saved her, I knew why I didn't scream that night, when she'd tried to hunt me. I knew I loved her.
The pain dimmed everything else, just a slash under my chin. I felt hot blood drip from my neck.
"Oh, so you're human..." The man's black eyes gleamed, a spark of evil in them. "Oh my, seems like I've made a mistake..."
More blood, it was hard breathing now. "please..." my voice came out a whisper. "Take me to the hospital, they can fix it..." I couldn't say anymore.
The man clicked his tongue. "no, no, no. You see, you were armed, I had to take you down." He explained. He was lying. I wasn't armed. Immortals didn't bleed, the cells just regrouped themselves around the wound. He was going to let me die.
But I had a reason to stay alive. I had a reason to live, I had to find Maria, I had to explain, to make her feel better. To make her understand this was the only way.
I was only vaguely aware of footsteps echoing farther and farther away. And then new footsteps echoed nearer. Lighter, just like... I fought to keep counsiounce.
"Hey" said a steely voice, hard and cold. "Nice to meet you," I didn't see his face. I was barely aware of a shape infront of me. "I'll call you... Dinner." there was no mistaking the sharp edge in his voice.
An energy bolt jolted my body. And then there were voices in my head... or was I one of the voices?
But I had to stay alive, I had to... And then I was alone. I wasn't with the voices anymore, but I wasn't real anymore either. I was floating, invisible... The cells from the Immortal that tried to suck me dry connected into me, half of them vanishing into the night.
I was an Immortal now.
Again, I didn't know if I should be comforted or shudder. I doubted I was still able to do that. Humans weren't supposed to have the will to take over an Immortal.
I tried to raise my hand. I knew I was raising it, but nothing rose. I had no hands now. I had no body. I was the first human to change into an Immortal.
The last thought that crossed my mind was, where was Maria, was she okay? But I didn't have time to torture myself with that thought, a crushing darkness pulled me under, closing what I once called eyes. Perhaps for eternity. I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure of anything now.

WOW! that was an amazing piece! The rich plot, and intriguing twists and turns, all in a fairly short piece of writing; I loved how much happened to the main character, and how much information was revealed, I can't really see anything wrong with this writing. keep up the good work, I hope to see more from you soon!

Hey!

So I like your writing and I am especially a fan of your first and last lines but there's a lot of pretty basic clean-up that you might want to take care of. By that I mean there's a lot of (repeated) grammar problems, a couple of typos, things that you can easily catch when reading it the second or third time through. This post is a good place to start because it deals with dialogue punctuation, which is one of the distracting technical parts of the story. For typos: you misspell stuff like "immortal" or "until", things that I think are really easily spotted if you just run it through a basic spell check program.

Another big (and distracting) problem in grammar was that you tended to use comma splices a lot. Again, I could go through and point out every specific instance but there are a lot and I suspect you can handle that yourself. I will point out a few, though, just so you know what I'm talking about:

Helping an Immortal, what was I thinking?

These are two complete sentences so that comma should either be a period, a semi-colon, or an em dash. A comma is the wrong syntax and although it may not seem like a big deal, it gets pretty distracting.

Other instances of this within the story:

But Maria wasn't just an Immortal, that couldn't be right.

or

Maria didn't mean to do anything wrong, if she didn't feed then her body would fade away.

or

Immortals didn't bleed, the cells just regrouped themselves around the wound. He was going to let me die.

You get the idea.

In terms of the story itself, I found that there were a number of info-dumps for a creature that was essentially a pseudo-vampire. I know it had some slight differences but a lot of characteristics were the same; moreover, infodumps hinder more than they help. They're distracting from the rest of the story, and a lot of it features information that either (a) isn't absolutely imperative to our understanding of the Immortals or (b) can otherwise be slipped into the story.

There's a lot of instances of telling instead of showing, such as:

It's them, the Immortal hunters who were the monsters.

Which is pretty unnecessary considering the actual story does a pretty good job of showing that the Immortal hunters themselves are actually the monsters. If anything, you might want to go back through the story and just make those comparisons stronger. Instead of actually telling us that the hunters are monsters, make him a bigger jerk. Maybe he's got the number of kills notched into his flesh or maybe he carries around trophies of his dead; maybe establish some more dialogue at the beginning of the story that more strongly suggests that he knows his prey is not in fact an Immortal. These are just examples and I'm sure you can think of other, better ones yourself — you get the idea. Show us that he's a monster and we'll be left wondering how bad the Immortals can be, after all.

And last of all, the Maria subplot is a little insubstantial and haphazardly explained — I'd suggest that you go back and strengthen it/clarify their backstory through more vivid flashbacks. You'd be helping us understand his motivations throughout the story (i.e. why is he so willing to defend this girl who almost tried to feed on him?). Also, through the contrast of her hunting him versus the hunter hunting him, we'd see the fact that the Immortal hunters were the ones who were really the monsters. You kind of gloss over it, mentioning that "she didn't want to do that" and it was shameful to her, but actually taking us back to the event would do worlds of good in making this a stronger visual.

I still like the idea and I think you should keep working on it to make it all the stronger and awesomer (that's totally not a word). If you want any help with it, or if you just want to ask me questions or get me to clarify on any of my comments, feel free to PM me. Good luck! : )

Hi! I'm here to review your work. Let's begin, shall we?

As I looked up at the merciless eyes of the man who intended to kill me, pitch black, at the gleam of his sharp teeth in the moonlight, I tried to understand.

Pitch black is a misplaced modifier.

As I looked up at the merciless pitch black eyes of the man who intended to kill me, at the gleam of his sharp teeth...

More like energy from people, positive thoughts, bad ones... that's what defines an Imortals character,

...That's what defines an Immortal's character.

It's probably just a typo. ^^

But Maria- she was real, she was good, my thoughts blurred a bit.

I don't get the last part. You were describing Maria and all of a sudden, you're talking about your thoughts. I don't see the connection. Please clarify.

They needed the humans will power.

They needed the human's willpower.

My hands autmatically balled into fists.

automatically. Again, no worries - just a typo.

It's them, the Immortal hunters who were the monsters.

It's them, the Immortal Hunters, who where the monsters.

And I was glad I was able to send Maria away, I was glad she was alive, somewhere.

And I was glad I sent Maria away...

Passivity kills the sentence, so make it active if you can.

And then new footsteps echoed nearer. Lighter, just like... I fought to keep counsiounce.

...I fought to keep consciousness. Spelling.

I didn't see his face. I was barely aware of a shape infront of me. "I'll call you... Dinner." there was no mistaking the sharp edge in his voice.

...Dinner." There was no mistaking the sharp edge in his voice. (capitalization)


Anyway, the story has potential. Just work on the little quirks mentioned.

Sincerely,

Banango Cheesecake

I sincerely believe that is something that you could publish if you add some more to it. It was written in a way that very easy to read (a good thing). The word choice wasn't amazing but if you can understand whats happening who needs all those fancy words. You might want to try to give some more detail and describe the man a little more like his sweaty armpits or whatever. It opened up very nicely. Some stories are like turning a corner and getting hit with a baseball bat but this one was great. You might want to explain just a little more of the situation. I'm not saying you should give away all the secrets. Just put us into the story a little deeper. Maybe leave the main character to die and have it explain the immortal thing a little more. Keep working on that and maybe it will go somewhere. All in all thanks for the taste of good simple writing.

Wow! that was... is awesome! you really have a talent for writing. I love your attention to detail. the only thing i want to know is; What does maria look like. what is her personality like. i think theese things will help the reader to understand why "Dinner"
(what's his name?) is in love with an Immortal.

Wow!

That's a great opening monologue. Get's you instantly hooked to the story. I also like how strong the dialogue is, and the adjectives you use to describe it. E.g (Cold, steely) Though it's a short section I'm interested in seeing more of your work.

there were a few mis-spelled words in your story, but other than that it was amazing! you could have explained why Maria was "Dinner's" lover. once again it was truelly an amazing piece. you had me hooked!
~Livi J.

WOW! Simply amazing! You have an amazing story line here! You could do so much with this! It's really amazing! Just remember to watch your spelling and things and this will be amazing! I don't know what else to say, this is amazing! Keep the story flowing! It's going to be perfect! Two thumbs up! I really do love the story!!

wonderful piece! i absolutly loved it. my very bad reviewing skills would do you no help at all so, keep up the good work. i can't wait to see your next post. make sure you write more on it!