Young Writers Society

I intend on including this, or something similar, within a longer story (note that it is not supposed to be the beginning), but I have written this so that it can be read as a short story - please treat it as such.

The students sat at their desks, pens out and, as always, weapons ready. At the front of the classroom was Adam, one of the original superhumans created by the Megacorporation. Approaching his sixties, Adam was one of the few lucky superhumans to be subject to "the fluke" - where most were designed to age quickly, so that they could be brought into war as soon as possible, Adam aged at a phenomonally slow pace. He could have easily passed for a mature adolescent. It was estimated that, if he was to die of old age - which, with his incredible skill in combat seemed quite likely - he would live for three to four hundred years. He laid out his trademark weapon, an antique Zanbato replica of the 21st century, upgraded to electrocute its target with a flick of a switch on the handle, making it even more lethal than it originally was. Most humans would only be able to use it for specific purposes - as a heavy, two handed sword, or as a polearm. Adam, on the other hand, could use it as these and more - he would often wield it with a single hand, having the other free to hold whatever other weapon is at hand, most often a firearm of some sort.

"Good morning, class," Adam said, writing his name and the date - the third of January, 2317 - on the board, "I am Adam, I was given no surname so if you do not wish to refer to me by my first name you shall have to call me Mister."

An appreciative laugh came from a corner of the room, which abruptly stopped when Adam gave them a penetrating glare. He didn't intend to be humorous.

"And I'm your self-defence teacher." Adam continued. "But do not be fooled. Much of what I am going to teach you involves little in the way of defence. If our caves come under threat of the machines above, you can have little doubt that we will make the first move."

A boy near the front raised her hand. Adam gestured for him to speak.

"So you're going to teach us to evade them?"

At this Adam snorted.

"No. Well, perhaps I will teach you something in the way of evasion. But something you need to understand is that the 'sheens have eyes where you can't see them."

Adam paused to allow his class time to ponder, before pointing upwards.

"Perhaps, if you dare to venture to the surface, you will see these eyes. But you will not recognise them, for they are indistinguishable from the stars. The androids are like one huge super-organism, all of them connected via electromagnetic signals. They can communicate with any radio or X-ray device. So when the nations of the twentieth century onwards launched their spy satellites, they were serving an enemy which didn't even exist yet."

As Adam spoke, Pandora sat mesmerised by her teacher. She had heard of Adam before - everyone had, for his life had been prestigious indeed - he was one of the few survivors of the first generation of superhumans, a hero of the Solar War, a fundamental figure in the superhuman uprising and the downfall of the Megacorporation, and now among the greatest defenders against the rebellious machines' war on humanity. But she had never met him, nor seen him.

Pandora was the fifteen year old grand-daughter of a first generation superhuman. Thus she was expecting to be capable of performing far more dangerous tasks than the common man, and so it was that she was forced to attend self-defence lessons. Yet she also had a life of her own - she had gone to school like the normal kids, rather than focussing on her military prowess like most "partial supers". She had friends, rather than just comrades, who she was close to. She had even tasted love, though the object of her affection was reported to be missing after an expedition to the surface - Pandora had since forgotten about him, for the chances of him still being alive were minimal. Of course, Pandora had been born during the opening stages of the Machine War - the underground complexes which humanity now inhabited had already been finished, and on the surface the war was very much one sided, in the favour of the Androids. So her life was hardly normal in comparison to those of her ancestors, most of whom had enjoyed periods of peace during their childhood. But by the standards of the day, she had succeeded in living a "normal" life, despite her status as being partially superhuman.

Pandora's fascination in Adam ultimately led her to losing concentration - a flaw which was only possible as a result of her mostly-human heritage. She thought about how Adam has been bred with a specific purpose in mind - for battle, among other dangerous tasks. She wondered whether or not there was a peaceful side to Adam's life, or if he had ever experienced joy. Not once during the lesson did she see him smile. It made no sense to her, how a human being, no matter how non-human they may seem, could possibly go so long without smiling. She had heard from others that this was usual, that to see him smile was as common as a blue moon. The more she thought about it, the more confused and alienated from the first generation she felt, until, finally, it became too much.

"Why won't you smile?" She asked, quietly, but loud enough so that she could be heard over Adam's voice.

Adam stared at her, whatever emotion he may have been holding hidden behind an expressionless face.

"My purpose is to use my enhanced abilities for the greater good. Everything else comes second, and I should not be wasting my efforts on such things when humanity is under threat."

"But that's absurd!" Pandora argued. "How can you possibly-"

"What is your name?" Adam interrupted.

"Pandora."

"We will speak when the lesson has ended, Pandora. You can wait another ten minutes?"

"Yes sir."

Adam proceeded to lecture the class on the nature of the enemy - in particular on the theory that their sudden rebellion was brought about by a rogue superhuman tampering with the production lines. Supposedly, a large factory was secretly built somewhere on Earth, which produced Androids automatically, sending out resource acquisition robots to provide the materials necessary for Android production. Such a factory was proven to have existed on Mars, controlled by a master computer - with sufficient technical aptitude, it was known to be theoretically possible to give the master computer a mind of its own, as well as full control over what the factory produced. Such a scenario was believed to have been the cause for the Machine Uprising on both planets, twenty years ago.

Pandora attempted to focus, but she was certain she wasn't going to learn anything new, and so she continued to ponder on the nature of the superhumans. Eventually, the class was dismissed. Pandora approached Adam, who gazed at her, assessing her appearance and mannerisms in a way few humans normally did. For an uncomfortable minute, Adam continued to stare at Pandora in silence, before he eventually spoke.

"Why do you smile?"

Pandora felt shocked. She had stayed behind to gain insight into the mind of her teacher, yet here he was attempting to gain insight into the mind of his student.

"I don't know." Pandora shrugged. "I guess it's a way of showing that you're happy, or..."

Pandora looked to the side, unsure what to say.

"Or," she continued, "it can be a way of making you happy."

Adam nodded respectfully.

"But what role does happiness play in survival?"

At this, Pandora's mouth jolted open, for, though she could not immediately think of a role that happiness played in survival, she considered this a criticism of happiness. She let out a number of unintelligible utterances, before thinking of an appropriate answer to Adam's question.

"Humans need happiness to survive." She informed him. "Without it, we become depressed and bored of life. Then we die."

"But I am not a human." Adam said, knowing that there was a certain degree of truth in what he said. "Different rules apply to me. Humans use happiness as a goal, something to live for. I was designed to have a different goal, a more specific one. My goal is to do whatever is best for humanity, and nothing more. And that is why I do not smile - for that is more."

With that, Adam picked up his enormous weapon, and began to walk out of the room, leaving Pandora to come up with another reason for why to smile when happiness is not required. Just before Adam was out of earshot, she thought of something.

"Adam! Wait!"

She rushed up to him, and he patiently waited for her.

"What is it?"

"You should smile! For humanity's sake!'

Adam sighed, one of the few expressions he was capable of.

"Go on, then, why should I smile?"

"Because...you fight for humans, right?"

Adam nodded.

"And humans need happiness to survive. Seeing such a great man as yourself smile will surely give their happiness a useful boost when things take a turn for the worst. It isn't difficult to smile, yet it can achieve a lot of good."

Adam stared at her again, but this time he did so directly into her eyes. For the first time since she saw him, Pandora noticed a certain sadness fixed permanently in his eyes. He was human, after all.

"You said earlier that you smile when you are happy. What if happiness comes to you rarely?"

Pandora shrugged.

"It's not as if it's impossible to smile when you're not happy. It's harder that way, but it is possible, and you will feel a lot better...Adam, just try it. Now."

Pandora watched Adam's face. For a few seconds, it remained the same, his features expressionless, with the exception of those eyes which Pandora could not help but associate with all the personal tragedies of her life. Then the corners of his mouth began to twist upwards, until a silly, fake grin appeared.

"How is this?" He asked.

"That's good," Pandora murmured, silently amused by the novelty of the situation, "but I can tell you don't mean to smile. Try using more muscles in your face. Especially around the eyes...that's it!"

Before long Adam appeared to be smiling genuinely, though Pandora was sure that it was far from genuine.

"See?" Pandora laughed. "It's not that difficult!"

"Well," Adam disagreed, "you would be surprised. I may be able to take on an army of 'sheens single handedly, but I've been doing that sort of stuff for nearly fifty years. This is new."

"But you will continue, won't you? To smile, I mean."

"Of course. If it contributes towards the survival of humankind, even if it's only a small contribution, then it is something I must do."

Adam checked his watch, finding that he needed to leave immediately. As she walked home, Pandora decided that she had had some success in humanising her teacher - Pandora knew that it was only a matter of time before Adam made a habit of smiling, and the happiness that came with it. Only then would she consider him truly human.

Hiya, Face.

I'm a bit tired, so I'm just going to jump right into the review.

A boy near the front raised [s]her[/s] his hand.

But something you need to understand is that the 'sheens have eyes where you can't see them.

I like the slang term for the machines. Nice touch.

Thus she was [s]expecting[/s] expected to be capable of performing far more dangerous tasks than the common man, and so it was that she was forced to attend self-defence lessons.

Yet she also had a life of her own - she had gone to school like the normal kids, rather than [s]focussing[/s] focusing on her military prowess like most "partial supers".

She had heard from others that this was unusual, that to see him smile was as common as a blue moon. The more she thought about it, the more confused and alienated from the first generation she felt, until, finally, it became too much.

Alright, so this bit has me confused. For one, I believe you meant it was unusual for him to smile, since blue moons are fairly uncommon. Another thing - how does she feel alienated from the first generation? Because Adam never smiled? I'm not quite sure I understand the significance of this sentence.

[s]You can[/s] Can you wait another ten minutes?

"Because... [space here] you fight for humans, right?"

There are a few instances throughout your piece where you forget to leave a space after your ellipsis. Just check for those; I won't bother pointing them all out.

"Of course. If it contributes towards the survival of humankind, even if it's only a small contribution, then it is something I must do."

Ha-ha, I love how unemotional you made this man. This was a great statement too, and reveals a lot about his personality; even though he thinks smiling is pointless, he'll do it for the good of mankind. Fantastic work - I can definitely picture him as a one-track "superhuman".


Guess what? I like this idea. I'd like for you to follow through with it... keep it up.
However, there's something I think needs to be nipped in the bud ASAP.

Info-dumps. While this piece is incredibly cool, it is littered with too much information. For instance:

Pandora was the fifteen year old grand-daughter of a first generation superhuman. Thus she was expecting to be capable of performing far more dangerous tasks than the common man, and so it was that she was forced to attend self-defence lessons. Yet she also had a life of her own - she had gone to school like the normal kids, rather than focussing on her military prowess like most "partial supers". She had friends, rather than just comrades, who she was close to. She had even tasted love, though the object of her affection was reported to be missing after an expedition to the surface - Pandora had since forgotten about him, for the chances of him still being alive were minimal. Of course, Pandora had been born during the opening stages of the Machine War - the underground complexes which humanity now inhabited had already been finished, and on the surface the war was very much one sided, in the favour of the Androids. So her life was hardly normal in comparison to those of her ancestors, most of whom had enjoyed periods of peace during their childhood. But by the standards of the day, she had succeeded in living a "normal" life, despite her status as being partially superhuman.

Notice how fat that paragraph is? That's one of the first signs of TMI syndrome. Think about it - at this point, it's not necessary for the readers to know all of this - right? Right now, this entire paragraph sounds more like a character bio than an excerpt from a short story. Granted, it's interesting... but too much at once.

So yeah; overall, this was pretty cool. I'm rather interested in reading more - I'll have to review The Ruins of London next.


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Thanks for your review. I know I tend to dump information - I try not to, but sometimes I just can't help myself!

pens out and, as always, weapons ready.

Weapons ready? What weapons?

At the front of the classroom was Adam, one of the original superhumans created by the Megacorporation.

First, I'd describe the classroom to establish the setting. Not all classrooms look the same. Classrooms in the future will look different than classrooms today.

As for Adam, careful not to give us too much information. I'd describe what he's doing, what he looks like, what he's looking at, or perhaps even what he's thinking, before I'd tell the readers that he's a superhuman.

Approaching his sixties,

I rest my case.
Students make me think of children and teenagers, not middle-age superhumans.

to age quickly, so that they

Avoid using the word "so."

He could have easily passed for a mature adolescent.

Ugh. First you tell us he's sixty, then you tell us he looks like an adolescent. I'm having trouble picturing this character.

It was estimated that, if he was to die of old age - which, with his incredible skill in combat seemed quite likely - he would live for three to four hundred years

That's nice, but it doesn't move the story forward.

an antique Zanbato replica of the 21st century, upgraded to electrocute its target with a flick of a switch on the handle, making it even more lethal than it originally was.

Neat. But this doesn't move the story forward either.

Adam, on the other hand, could use it as these and more

I'm not that interested. (No offense).

"Good morning, class," Adam said

Agh! Is Adam a teacher or a student?

given no surname so if you do not wish

This might look better if you take out the word "so" and start a new sentence.

An appreciative laugh came from a corner of the room, which abruptly stopped when Adam gave them a penetrating glare.

Hmm... I'm picky when it comes to adjectives and adverbs. The words "appreciative" and "abruptly" don't help me picture anything; I'd remove them. Also, the word order could be improved. Notice how the laughter "stopped" before "Adam gave them a penetrating glare." (I'd take out the word "penetrating" as well).
You should tell us what happens as it happens. Adam glares at the corner of the room before the laughter stops. The word order should correspond to the order of events. It doesn't help if you tell us that the laughter stops before you mention Adam glaring at the corner of the room.

"And I'm your self-defence teacher." Adam continued.

"Defence" should be "defense."
I also don't like how you use the word "continued." It doesn't help me picture anything.

If our caves come under threat of the machines above

Caves? Classroom? What's the setting?
Machines? Hrm... The students don't seem nervous.

At this Adam snorted.

Haha... I think it's funny when people snort.

"Perhaps, if you dare to venture to the surface,

Okay, classrooms usually have windows. That's how I imagined the setting. Except now I learned that the students are underground.

I'm sorry, but I can't picture what's going on.

But you will not recognise them, for they are indistinguishable from the stars. The androids are like one huge super-organism, all of them connected via electromagnetic signals. They can communicate with any radio or X-ray device. So when the nations of the twentieth century onwards launched their spy satellites, they were serving an enemy which didn't even exist yet."

Interesting ideas, except...
1) they don't advance the story (at least not at the moment), and likewise, they are boring
2) it's too much information at once

he was one of the few survivors of the first generation of superhumans, a hero of the Solar War, a fundamental figure in the superhuman uprising and the downfall of the Megacorporation, and now among the greatest defenders against the rebellious machines' war on humanity. But she had never met him, nor seen him.

To be honest, I stopped reading this and skipped to the next paragraph.
Stop rambling about Adam. Tell us a story.
Correction: Show us a story.

Pandora was the fifteen year old grand-daughter of a first generation superhuman.

This was where I stopped reading your story.

I'm sorry, you might have excellent ideas. You might have an amazing plot planned out for this story. But you overload the readers with too much information. It's unnecessary, and it slows down your story.

Also, you failed to establish a setting. First I thought they were in a normal classroom. Afterwards, I imagined a futuristic classroom. After that, I learned that the classroom had no windows. The classroom turned into a cave.

I hope my critique helped.

Face Engine wrote:Thanks for your review. I know I tend to dump information - I try not to, but sometimes I just can't help myself!

That's ok. This can easily be fixed by going over your story a few times and picking out what is not necessary information.

Think of your story as a ship (lame example, I know). When a ship holds more cargo than it can take, what happens? It sinks.
You don't want your story to sink. So rather than bulking up your story with lots of extra bits of information and backstories, I want you to strip it down to the bare skeleton of the story. Add the vital points that move the plot forward, then add details and description. If you've still got some room left over, you can add a bit more "cargo" aboard and throw in some interesting little extras.

Elijah made some very good points throughout his review (not only regarding unnecessary information). I'd listen to him.

Hope this helped a bit.


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