z

Young Writers Society


Blood Vessel



User avatar
50 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1165
Reviews: 50
Sat Feb 14, 2009 11:58 pm
Face Engine says...



This might be a one-off, or I might have the will to carry it on. Treat it as a short story in its own right for now.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nikolloss Gail bolted into a sitting position as he woke. For thirteen nights in a row he had been having nightmares. But that's what two months on a spaceship does to people. He looked to his right, where the Earth Standard date and time were displayed. It was ten o'clock on the Thirteenth of January, of the 3014th year of the Great Philosopher Jeysos Cryste.

Leaving his room, Nikolloss proceeded to the cafeteria, as he had done on every day of the voyage. Nodding to the odd passer-by, he knew only a few of the people he saw, for the ship, The Crimson Drake, was huge, containing thousands of crew and passengers. Nikolas wasn't even sure where the ship was headed, or why, but he couldn't find work elsewhere.

"Good morning," he yawned to the waitress as he sat down, both painfully aware that there was no such thing as morning where they were, "I'll have the usual please."

The waitress smiled and walked away. During the entire voyage he had been served by the same woman, but never got to know her name. A few minutes later, she came back with a plate of recycled food flavoured and shaped to taste and look vaguely like sausages, egg and chips, along with a glass of watered down beer.

"There you go." She said cheerfully.

"Thanks, uh," he pretended to have forgotten her name, hoping that she would tell him.

"Annjella Hardee. Hmm," she frowned, "I've seen you here a lot...yet I don't think I know your name..."

"Nik. Nik Gail. I don't suppose...don't suppose you're doing anything at, oh I don't know, ten? Earth standard, I mean."

"Yes...yes I think so."

"Right...it's just I don't have anything planned, so I was just wondering if you'd like to, I don't know, watch a film with me, or something..."

Annjella grinned.

"Sure, sounds fun."

Nikolloss was about to reply, when Annjella was called back to the kitchen.

"Got to go," she said, "I'll be in room 106, you know where that is?"

Nikolloss nodded and Annjella walked away.

The next few hours were a blur, as usual. Nikolloss spent half of his working day maintaining and repairing equipment, and the other half arguing with his employers over his low wage. As soon as the digital clocks around the ship flashed "5:00", Nikolloss gave a sigh of relief and packed away his tools. Normally he would spend the rest of his day wallowing in the dark, with nothing to do and nobody to talk to. Hopefully, he thought, tonight wouldn't be the same.

At ten o'clock, he knocked on the door of room 106, and grinned when the door opened.

"Hi." Annjella smiled, fiddling with her hair. By her appearance, Nikolloss guessed that she had spent at least an hour preparing for the night. He had spent perhaps five minutes, if that, deciding to wear the clothes he was already wearing and giving his hair a quick brush.

"Hi," Nikolloss mumbled nervously, "so, ah, did we say we were going to watch a film?"

"Yeah," Annjella replied, "dunno what film, though, you got any ideas?"

"Um...well, actually I don't know what they're showing. I don't even know where the cinema is on this ship."

Annjella rolled her eyes and walked forwards a few steps.

"Follow me."

He followed, and she brought him into an area of the ship he had not previously been to. His work only required him to be in a certain area, and he rarely had a reason to leave that area. The dank corridoors Annjella led him through reminded Nikolloss of the underslums of his home, on Earth. Like countless others, he had spent his life trying to ascend into the higher levels of the Earth's mountainous cities, but had never succeeded. Then again, he was in space now, which was about as high as you could get, physically speaking.

"Oops," Annjella muttered as they arrived in front of the ship's Casino, "sorry, I think I must have taken a wrong turn...I don't gamble."

They began to backtrack through the dark corridoors. Eventually, Annjella admitted that she was lost.

"Don't worry," Nikolloss said, "we're on a ship, if we don't find our way back we'll probably get found on camera. A bit embarrassing, but tomorrow we'll be laughing."

"I just hope we get out of here soon," Annjella whined, "it's cold and dark and...Nik, when did you last see anyone other than me?"

Nikolloss bit his lip.

"It must have been an hour at least. But it is late..."

"There's normally at least a few people walking about. Even in these parts. Nik, I'm...I'm scared. Where is everybody?"

They continued to try to find a way back to where they had come from, yet each time they thought they were getting somewhere, they realised they had walked into yet another dark, foreboding corridoor. But eventually, they found someone. A man dressed in a tattered white shirt, wearing shades, he didn't look particularly approachable. Even so, Nikolloss and Annjella were tired, and fed up.

"Excuse me, sir," Annjella asked, "I don't suppose you could tell me where we are? We were going to the cinema, but I must have took a wrong turn and...well, it's all quite embarrassing really."

The man grinned, showing sharp, fang-like teeth. He walked up to them. Something about the way he walked sent a shiver up Nikolloss' spine - it was as if he were gliding, walking on air.

"Is it just you two?" He asked.

"Yeah."

"Hmm...which rooms...or room are you sleeping in?"

"Two hundred and thirty three," Nikolloss said, "she's in one-oh-six."

"Hmm, that's ages away." The stranger muttered. "Take you a couple of hours to get there from here. Tell you what, my room is just round the corner. If you want, you can stay there for tonight. It's small, but cosy."

Nikollos and Annjella looked at each other, unsure of how to reply. Eventually, Nikolloss turned back to the stranger.

"Okay," he sighed, "just for tonight..."

"Excellent," the man said enthusiastically, clapping his hands and baring his fangs, "oh, I forgot to introduce myself. I'm Vademar."

Vademar brought them to his room, which was slightly larger than Nikolloss' and Anjella's rooms. Nikolloss and Annjella laid on the floor and went to sleep, while Vademar left them alone together while he went about his business.

That night Nikolloss had a relatively pleasant dream. He dreamt he was in a green field, something which he had only seen in pictures of Earth before it had been fully urbanised, and he was dancing with a woman, though he couldn't see her face. They laughed gaily, and he wished he could be there forever.

Then the dream lost its pleasantness, and became akin to the nightmares of the past thirteen days. The ground beneath them cracked, and the woman fell. She hung on for dear life, screaming as the flames below rose, and rose, and rose. He reached down for her, but just as he was about to save her, a winged monster rose from the fire, and dragged her down, shrieking.

Then he woke. But he was not aware that he had woken up in the real world. For beside him lay the corpse of Anjella. She was pale, her face twisted into a silent, eternal scream. On her neck were two red dots, thin dribbles of solidified blood dribbling down from them. Above her stood Vademar, licking his crimson, crusty lips.

"Good morning, Nik. Just thought I'd let you see your love before I kill you."

Vademar jumped down on him, but somehow Nikolloss managed to roll out of the way. He sprinted out of the room, followed by Vademar's shrill cackle. Nikolloss turned at every possible corner, hoping to confuse his pursuer. His plan appeared to be futile, however, when he nearly ran into Vademar. Nikolloss staggered backwards, trying to fathom how the man, or thing, was standing on the ceiling.

"You might as well relax, Nik," Vademar grinned, "the whole area is mine now. And don't think that anyone is watching on those cameras. I took care of them ages ago."

"Wh-who a-a-are you?"

"Why, isn't it obvious?" Vademar stepped to the side, walking down the walls on to the floor. "I'm a vampire. And soon, you will be one too. Just like Anney."

He pointed behind Nikolloss, where he saw Annjella standing behind him, wide-eyed.

"What have you done to me?" She asked feebly.

"I've brought you to a higher level, dear," Vademar informed her, "now, make sure Nik doesn't escape so that I can bring him with us."

Nikolloss turned and ran past Annjella, who allowed him to run.

"I'm prepared this time," she whimpered, "I can stop you!"

Vademar ran at her. She attempted to punch him, but was knocked back five metres, causing a dent in the titanium wall.

"You have a lot to learn." Vademar laughed, before gliding across the floor in pursuit of Nikolloss.

Nikolloss turned a corner, but stopped in his tracks when a group of three people dressed similarly to Vademar walked up to him - two on the walls, one on the floor. He turned back, finding himself face to face with Vademar.

"Now then," Vademar murmured, "you put up quite a good fight, for a human. So before I kill you - and let me assure you that it is only a temporary death, for most - I'll let you in on what's going on. My kind has existed for millenia, in small numbers - whenever we were caught by your kind, who existed in comparatively huge numbers, we were slaughtered, hung, shot, burnt..."

He pushed Nikolloss, and the three vampires behind him grabbed his arms.

"But it wasn't just a few vampires killed in the name of God, sanctity, national security, or whatever. It wasn't even just a few hundred, or thousand. It was somewhere around six million, and that's just the deaths that were recorded by my forefathers. And now is the time for revenge. You see, Nik, this ship has a population of, oh, roughly four thousand. But it's isolated, and the people in it are isolated. By the end of the voyage, this ship will not be carrying four thousand humans, it will be carrying four thousand vampires. And when we arrive on the Human colony of Sinon - population six million...well, I think my intentions have become quite clear now."

Vademar leaned in and pressed his fangs on Nikolloss' neck. Nikolloss squirmed and struggled, but the strength of the vampires was ten times that of his own. He screamed, but he knew that there was nobody that could hear him, save for his attackers. Within minutes, he felt his life drain away, and the world went black.
I refuse to acknowledge the existence of this signature.
  





User avatar
5 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 5
Mon Feb 16, 2009 6:15 am
Sapsan says...



Alright, first off I think this has a good mood too it the isolation comes across straightaway which i like. However, even as a short story I find it to be a little empty. The plot from what I'm gleaning here is typified horror with a sci fi twist. To do this well I think you really need to develop the characters more, you establish the attitudes of Nick and Annjella but we see nothing but there reactions to each other and their surroundings which tends to make for a flat character. Other than having seen Annjella around a few times why did he ask her out? Why did she say yes? You need more emotion here, more motivation. You have a TON of emotions you could play with in this scenario, loneliness, isolation, desperation, lust. You have tons of motivation to work with, Nick comes from a slums life, how does that impact his views of the spaceship, the people around him, Annjella, himself. What does Annjella think of him, what does her body language and facial expressions say about her. More sensory detail would also help here, what does the food smell like when it comes to him, what does Annjella smell like, what does his work room smell like, are the lights bright or dimmed, does he hear a constant buzz from the engines and machinery or is it eerily quiet. Sensory detail, it makes a story feel real.

As do little things, little character enhancing details that allow us to see these words on paper and sympathise with the story they tell. Annjella's working an early morning, how does she feel about it. When Nick first sees her what is his impression, is she smiling, frowning, does she look tired, does he find that sleepiness becomes her? When they see a guy with fangs on a spaceship why do they go and sleep in his room? If this is nothing out of the ordinary explain that, if it is out of the ordinary then you need to explain why they go with it, or find a new set of events instead of breaking your characters to fit the plot.

This could make for a very interesting, complex, character driven story. You have historical and political intrigue with the vampires history, you have compelling characters should you put some work into them and you have a fantastic sense of tone and mood already present.

If you want to make this into a novel or short story put all you've got into, put yourself into those characters heads, into that place and don't hold back. Most of all, don't ask one question of yourself to find the answer, ask twenty, the deeper you delve the better chances you have of avoiding cliche.
  





User avatar
5 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 5
Mon Feb 16, 2009 6:17 am
Sapsan says...



Alright, first off I think this has a good mood too it the isolation comes across straightaway which i like. However, even as a short story I find it to be a little empty. The plot from what I'm gleaning here is typified horror with a sci fi twist. To do this well I think you really need to develop the characters more, you establish the attitudes of Nick and Annjella but we see nothing but there reactions to each other and their surroundings which tends to make for a flat character. Other than having seen Annjella around a few times why did he ask her out? Why did she say yes? You need more emotion here, more motivation. You have a TON of emotions you could play with in this scenario, loneliness, isolation, desperation, lust. You have tons of motivation to work with, Nick comes from a slums life, how does that impact his views of the spaceship, the people around him, Annjella, himself. What does Annjella think of him, what does her body language and facial expressions say about her. More sensory detail would also help here, what does the food smell like when it comes to him, what does Annjella smell like, what does his work room smell like, are the lights bright or dimmed, does he hear a constant buzz from the engines and machinery or is it eerily quiet. Sensory detail, it makes a story feel real.

As do little things, little character enhancing details that allow us to see these words on paper and sympathise with the story they tell. Annjella's working an early morning, how does she feel about it. When Nick first sees her what is his impression, is she smiling, frowning, does she look tired, does he find that sleepiness becomes her? When they see a guy with fangs on a spaceship why do they go and sleep in his room? If this is nothing out of the ordinary explain that, if it is out of the ordinary then you need to explain why they go with it, or find a new set of events instead of breaking your characters to fit the plot.

This could make for a very interesting, complex, character driven story. You have historical and political intrigue with the vampires history, you have compelling characters should you put some work into them and you have a fantastic sense of tone and mood already present.

If you want to make this into a novel or short story put all you've got into, put yourself into those characters heads, into that place and don't hold back. Most of all, don't ask one question of yourself to find the answer, ask twenty, the deeper you delve the better chances you have of avoiding cliche.
  





User avatar
228 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 4495
Reviews: 228
Sat Mar 07, 2009 3:01 pm
Meep(: says...



Hey Face Engine(nice username!),
I'll just bring up a few points:
1) The characters are rather flat, two-dimensional.
Develop them more, explore more varieties of emotions and reactions, that will give us more clues on their personalities.
2) They were asking where they were, mentioning that they were looking for the cinema,
so didn't they find it strange when the guy asked for their room numbers and invited them to bunk with him?
3) The ending was cliched. The world went black. I've seen that often.
There are other ways of showing loss of consciousness.

Overall, it had a mysterious ending,
Because I'm wondering what the vampries are going to do next.
This sounds like a mixture of fantasy fiction.
Also, I think the title's rather funny :D
Keep on writing!

~Have a nice day!
Meep(:
~Liverpool F.C Supporter~
"You'll never walk alone"
  








All truly wise thoughts have been thought already thousands of times; but to make them truly ours, we must think them over again honestly, till they take root in our personal experience.
— Johann Wolfgang von Goethe