Young Writers Society

Chapter 1


“We shouldn’t be doing this,” Jonas hissed. “It’s wrong.”

“Oh?” Jeremy sounded amused. He twirled the book in his hands. “Deputy would have no qualms in searching through your things, if you had any. Why should we feel guilty?”

“We’re doing something wrong.”

“According to you, maybe, but according to me, no. Here, listen to this: ‘The adornment of simpletons is folly, but shrewd men gain the crown of knowledge.’ There! By doing this, we are gaining the crown of knowledge.”

“Stop it! You know very well that this is wrong.” Jonas turned to Isaac. “Tell him, Isaac,” he pleaded. “He listens to you.”

Isaac looked up from the book he was reading and frowned. “Where did you get that anyway?”

“I snuck into Deputy’s study and pulled it out.” Jeremy looked smug. “It’s a whole lot better than that book you have there.”

Isaac glanced at the book he had in his hands. “This is a good book.”

“No. Banned books are the only good books.”

Jonas looked around. “If anybody saw us, we would be flogged.”

Jeremy snorted. “Nah, we’re too valuable. Haven’t you figured that out yet? I could kill you and I wouldn’t get in trouble.”

“Don’t do that,” Isaac said.

“I won’t, I won’t.” Jeremy looked annoyed. “Though Jonas whines too much.” He closed the book and scowled. “When does free time end anyway?”

“At 2100.”

“Which is bedtime.” Jeremy sighed. “What a boring life. Wake up at 500, run at 510, breakfast at 640, warm up at 700, exercise at 800, and on and on the cycle goes. I hope it’s better as a Brain. I think I would enjoy it.”
“If you’re chosen,” Isaac reminded him. Jeremy scowled.
“Why wouldn’t I be chosen? They’re looking for smart people, aren’t they? They have to! They’re the leaders of the free world. If they don’t look for smart people, they’re idiots.”
Jonas looked uncomfortable. ‘They look for all sorts of people,” he said. Jeremy snorted.
“Don’t fool yourself, Jonas. You know as well as I do that they only pick the prettiest, strongest boys.”
“Strength of body before strength of mind,” Isaac and Jonas said at once.
“See? That’s exactly the sort of thing I’m talking about! They tell us all this tupas advice and then what? We remember it and we repeat it like we repeat everything.” He leaned his face closer to Isaac’s. “Tell me how will that lead us to knowledge?”
Isaac clicked his tongue. “Jeremy, you know that’s not the way it is.”
“Prove it.” When Isaac didn’t say anything, Jeremy smiled. “You won’t say it, but you know it’s true. We’re only Bodies. That’s why we’re here. We keep on hoping that we’ll be picked, but how many of us are at this school? Several thousand, I imagine. Only a handful of us will become Brains. You know this. We’ll just be discarded like Deputy and the rest of the miserable administrators here.” He nodded to Isaac. “James was picked before you. He could lift weights five newtons heavier than you. You were ten times smarter than him, but he was picked anyway.”
Isaac squirmed.
When Jeremy saw him uncomfortable, he smiled and leaned closer. “Have you ever noticed that? Those boys always get chosen first. It’s always the same. But I’ve gotten stronger. And everybody here is attractive. Even you, Jonas.”
Jonas turned red. “You won’t be a Brain. You’ll never be a Brain.”
“Why not?”
“Because Deputy gets the last word. He’ll see you with that stolen book and he’ll know it’s you.”
Jeremy held out the book higher. “This is the book that Deputy loves, more than he loves any of us. I’ve seen him at night with it. Instead of jerking off, he goes on his knees and reads it. He goes to his knees. To a book. Can you imagine? If knowledge is power, then this book must be the most powerful weapon of all. What else could make Deputy go to his knees?”
Jonas paled. “You’re lying. A book wouldn’t do that.”
“How do you know? You’ve never read it.”
Isaac glanced at Jeremy and frowned. “Stop it,” he said. “You’re being mean.”
Jeremy smiled. “If speaking the truth makes me mean, then that’s fine with me.”
Jonas trembled. “Give me the book.”
“What’s that?”
“Give me the book!”
Jeremy raised his eyebrows, but he handed it over to Jonas anyway. Jonas pried open the book and squinted at the words. “It says,” he said, “it says--”
“You can’t read it,” Jeremy said simply. “You’ve never been able to read. You’ll never know what’s inside.”
“Then I’ll read it to him. “ Isaac took the book from Jonas’s hands and began to read. “‘Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the Earth...’”

“And blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled!” All three boys scrambled up in position, their backs straight, their arms to their sides, and their faces pale, as they watched Deputy come in.
“Sir!” Jonas called out.
Deputy ignored him. He spotted his book, still in Isaac’s hand, and frowned. “You have my book. It is illegal for you to have that book.”

Isaac automatically put the book behind his back to hide it. “I don’t understand,” he began.
Deputy frowned. “Yes, you do. You understand.”
Jeremy made a choking noise. Isaac tried to ignore him. His head suddenly felt lighter and he was sure the book would break his fingers if he held it longer. Not that it mattered. Deputy would break his fingers in no time, if he thought they needed to be broken. After all, if you broke the law, everything else was fair game.
But what Deputy would do to him was nothing to what he would do to Jeremy, if he found out.
Deputy watched him carefully. “Who took my book?”
Isaac tried not to look at Jeremy. “I did, sir.”
“Give it back to me.”
Isaac handed him the book reluctantly, expecting to be hit. No such blow came. Jeremy watched the scene nervously.
“Is that all, sir?” Jeremy asked.
“No.” Deputy glanced at Isaac. “I came because I had been asked to pick the newest Brain. Immediately, you came to mind, Isaac. Or at least that’s what I thought until tonight before you started lying.”
Isaac’s stomach dropped. “Sir!”
Deputy ignored him. “Because of this, I will have to pick someone else.”
Isaac stared at him. “Sir!”
Jeremy looked hopeful. “So no punishment?”
“No punishment.”
Jeremy stood up taller. Isaac wanted to hit him. “Well, if you need someone to be a Brain...”
“You?” Deputy looked disgusted. “The thief?” When Jeremy’s mouth snapped shut, Deputy laughed harshly. “I may not be a Brain, Jeremy, but don’t take me for a fool.” He turned to Jonas. “Well?”
Jonas turned white. “Me?”
Jeremy cried. “You can’t be thinking of choosing him!”
Deputy ignored him. “Jonas, they’re looking for a new Brain. In this day and age, we have all the conveniences we need. We need leaders, not for their brilliance, but for their kindness. And you, Jonas, are one of the kindest boys I know. We have enough liars and thieves in leadership positions. We need someone like you there.”
Jonas glanced at Isaac, petrified. “It’s my fault that Isaac had the book,” he said, playing with his fingernails. “I couldn’t read it, so he read it to me. And I’m not really a good leader anyway. Isaac would be much better than me.”
Isaac wanted to say anything, but he didn’t trust himself to speak. A lump had firmly lodged itself in his throat. He felt like he would choke. He wanted to agree with Jonas and become a Brain, but he knew that Jonas would probably be better. And besides, if Jonas stayed here without Isaac’s protection, Jeremy would kill him.
Isaac swallowed the lump and tried to smile. “No, Jonas, you have to go. Besides, the meek will inherit the Earth, right?”
Jonas seemed surprised by this comment, and his eyes filled with grateful tears. “All right, I’ll leave.” He nodded towards Isaac and mouthed a “thank you” before leaving with Deputy.
When the door shut behind them, Jeremy hurled a pillow at Isaac’s head and screamed. “You idiot! Deputy would have listened to you! Deputy would have listened to you!” And then he melted to the floor and sobbed.
Isaac stared at him blankly.

... talk about ironic.

I didn't like this as much as I thought I would. In the beginning, I was so confused, but... for some reason, I think I liked it better that way. You did a great job with introducing what the Brains were... but I think you need to go into more detail. I saw your blog and noticed that you're going to be continuing this?

“Then I’ll read it to him. “ Isaac took the book from Jonas’s hands and began to read. “‘Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the Earth...’”

At that moment, Deputy walked in.

“And blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled!” He glanced at Isaac. “You have my book. It is illegal for you to have that book.”

Isaac automatically put the book behind his back to hide it. “I don’t understand,” he began.

Deputy frowned. “Yes, you do. You understand.”

If you wanted me to point out the weakest part in this story, I would most definitely choose this part. Why? Because I laughed out loud when I read it. It was atrocious. If you want an exact sentence of where I laughed, it's the bolded one. I think it's kind of like dues ex machine or whatever it's called. It's too perfect that he walked in at exactly that time.

So change it. Make him enter the scene in a different way, because this just isn't working for me. At all.

You know what I was thinking about when I was reading this? The move The Island. Have you seen it? The main point I'm trying to make is here is that it has a similar plot. In the movie, people are contained in this big place and they are (supposedly) randomly selected to go to The Island. Which is kind of what I was thinking about when I was reading this. Maybe, like Jeremy was saying, they aren't picked for what they are being told.

Er. Yeah. I don't know where I'm going with this.

I think you could add a little more description of where the characters are right now. I don't remember reading anything about where they currently are. And that could make a world's difference as to when the Deputy magically shows up.

Nice story. PM me if you post anymore! I'd love to take a look at it.

-Jared

Psh, make fun of my story so I need to make it more awesome, will ya? Anyway, that part is changed. Deputy is still coming in at that time, but hey! At least it's better. ;D

I have seen that movie. ZOMG. So cheesy at parts. I love the idea, but I don't really like the way it was portrayed at all. They made it fairly ridiculous at times. *nods*

And yes. This story will definitely be continued.

Here as requested! I know your opinion of coloured fonts. Don't worry, only this will be pink.

Confusion factor- 9. It took me forever to figure out what they were doing wrong, who they were, what the state of the world was, ect. And with the amount I like sci-fi, I'd put this down pretty soon after I started. The hook was good. The follow-through was not.

Viewpoint shift- It's done remarkably well. You float between three viewpoints and I hardly noticed.

World- Okay. It's interesting how you've taking the concept of all religion being taken out of public domain, but I'd like a little more info on the school, Bodies and Brains.

Overall- So, ahem, even had this been fantasy I probably would have put it down when Isaac lost his opportunity to be a Brain. When a seemingly "perfect" person for the job looses the opportunity for what I consider to be a very cliched manipulation by a power-hungry character I tune right out. I have seen that done by cartoons way too much.

What does look interesting however is the idea of an illiterate person becoming a Brain, which seems to lead to becoming a world-leader.

Keep in mind with all of this, I don't know the standard for sci-fi. But that manipulation just really turned me off. I mean, it's everywhere!

Hi Snoink!

So, I have kind of a one up on this because you told me what the Brains were on MSN. I'll go into this review knowing that, but I won't divulge anything for anyone else to see, m'kay?

So, I have to wonder the same thing that Jeremy is wondering. Why only the prettiest and strongest for becoming a Brain? Considering the very nature of the Brains, you would think that the smart ones would be right in line to become one. You might give the slightest hint of why this must be. Deputy only said that Jonas got to become a Brain because he was kind. You might have Jeremy make a comment about the "goody suck ups" or something like that. That would make this school's policy more believable, at least in my opinion.

And, I have to point this out as a minor quibble. The Bible as a banned book? What else is new? By this I mean that religious texts are commonly banned. Are there no other texts that might be considered illegal? Again, only a minor quibble, one you are free to disregard.

There's another problem that I ran across as well. Whose viewpoint is this from? It jumps between all three boys, and I can't decide just yet who I'm really supposed to be paying attention to, who the main character is. If this is supposed to be a more omniscient point of view, then it really isn't working. Again, considering the nature of the Brains, getting close to a particular character is going to be vital, because I would think that describing Brainhood means knowing what a specific character is thinking or feeling on a deeper level, not this surface scraping that you appear to be doing.

And, one final thing, why is Deputy's selection process so informal? You said that the Brains are going to be leaders. Do we decide our presidents based on bedroom talks? You'd think at least that he wouldn't tell them what he was up to, that he would keep it a secret. I know that takes away Jeremy's owning up to stealing the book in an attempt to get to become a Brain, but it seems a bit more realistic that way. And, if you absolutely cannot change that, then at least help us understand why the Brain selection process is so informal.

Well, that about wraps it up for me. I hope that I was helpful to you, Snoink. PM me if you have questions or if you want to scream at me for saying something I shouldn't have. Good job, and good luck!

-Connie

Hey Snoink, thought I'd take a gander at this...

Anyway, I like what you have here so far. I think that Jeremy Is bi-polar(Not really). I think that because in the beginning he is all tough and out-law. In the end though, he sobs like a wimp. I just don't get why. I know that he really wants to be a Brain but I don't think he'd cry over it. I think you should have him get mad at the end, show the toughness he had in the beginning.

Choosing the Brain:
For something obviously so important, why is the selection so whimsical? Atleast, that's what i got from it. You say that there are thousands of people there, and jonas is the nicest, best choice? I think that if you are in the Army/Whatever they were in, you should be able to read. Unless there is an invisible reason we don't know that he can't.

Background Info.
I have no clue as to where they came from, what they looked like, ect... What do Brains exactly do? Are they the Goverment leaders? Is the setting in the future sometime, what? These are just some of the questions that went through my mind. I think maybe you could do a prolouge to this and desribe the base a little. Who the characters are... Expand.

Setting
I'm not sure if having them in an office the whole time is, good? If so, describe it more. Are there papers eschew on the desk? Are the walls wooden? Is there a cot? A dirty lamp? A Bookshelf?

I like this and I don't. I'm not sure where to put it in my mind. I think I'll like it once I get into it more and understand and get more information of what's going on.


I'll be waiting for 'Brain-2'


---Jon---

P.S. It is interesting, I'll give you that. I'm intrigued of what will happen next.

Won't make fun of it, but will give you my thoughts. The beginning feels a bit rough still. Needs some tuning up. The writing gets smoother as the story goes on, but until about the half-way point, it's a bumpy ride.

Opening with dialogue's good, right in the middle of a conversation. But it needs to be done a bit smoother.

“If you’re chosen,” Isaac reminded him. Jeremy scowled.

^^ That right there's the point when we start to get a picture of the situation. Prior to that, it's mostly dialogue, which can be annoying to fix. My stories tend to be more dialogue than anything, which is the opposite of what it should be, I know. I just don't take the time to describe things until a month after I've written it and look at it with fresh eyes. Only then does it get a bit more description, and even after that, it could stand some more. So I get it, but it still needs to be tweaked.

In the beginning, we have no idea what's going on, and after the fifth or so line, even though we know we're going to find out, it gets annoying to be left dangling. The solution to the dialogue problem can fix this as well. Adding more description in the beginning will put us into the situation with a lot more ease than it currently is. Maybe he's tossing the book from hand to hand, or flipping through the pages. At least then we have an idea as to what they might be doing that's wrong. Otherwise, "it's wrong" could refer to a large number of different things.

After the point mentioned above, your writing suddenly got smoother. I loved the reference to all the exercise time they put in, when you were talking about brain criteria. Much better flow.

Aside from the beginning, which could use some touch-ups, this was the only other thing that tweaked my spine:

“I won’t, I won’t.” Jeremy looked annoyed. “Though Jonas whines too much.” He closed the book and scowled. “When does free time end anyway?”

“At 2100.”

“Which is bedtime.” Jeremy sighed. “What a boring life. Wake up at 500, run at 510, breakfast at 640, warm up at 700, exercise at 800, and on and on the cycle goes. I hope it’s better as a Brain. I think I would enjoy it.”

Assuming they'd been there their whole lives, or at least a while, why in the world would they need to ask what time free time ends? It was around this time that your writing got smoother, so I almost missed it. It wasn't until I put it in quotes for a lecture on info-dumping that I caught it. Well done in that, at least. Made it so smooth I didn't question.

But the info-dumping. while done with the skill of a master, is still info-dumping. Really, I don't think I've ever seen an info-dump done so well. It can stay if you want, only because it's not too uncommon for writers to have a couple mini-info-dumps at the beginning of their stories. So long as you weed them out later, it's all good. Still, if you wanted something more to do with it, you could sand it down and spread it out.

Aside from those, it was a fun read. Loved the ironic twist at the end. Need someone kind, and of course Issac wasn't kind at all in his replies. Awesome. Sad, but my love for irony smooths it out. Well done.

I loved this. Some parts were a little hard to understand, like "what's going on?" but I'm guessing that's all part of the implying/foreshadowing deal, eh?
I think you should clear this up though. I really don't know what's going on in a lot of the parts. Just show the reader, preferably through dialogue, what a Brain is, why they're important, et cetera.
Just some questions:

Jeremy would kill him.

Why? Why is Jeremy so hostile? Why would he kill Jonas? Does he have some sort of a vendetta against him?

And why, at the end, did Jeremy start crying? It's probably the most obvious thing in the story, but I'm no good with the obvious.

I'd love to see more of this, though.

Anything you have ever written is readable. That is how I describe this.

I disagree with the name. Only because... Brains? Defend the title!

Also, I cant say I like it. I have no idea what a "Brain" is. I don't see a theme yet. I guess science fiction is the setting, so yeah, future. Now that I think about it, there probably is a theme, I just cant see it.

I conclude with this:

I must know what a "Brain" is. Clever.

Edit -

Also, I would omit this paragraph (or change it):

"Jeremy held out the book higher. “This is the book that Deputy loves, more than he loves any of us. I’ve seen him at night with it. Instead of jerking off, he goes on his knees and reads it. He goes to his knees. To a book. Can you imagine? If knowledge is power, then this book must be the most powerful weapon of all. What else could make Deputy go to his knees?”"

Hey Snoink,

this is going to be a brief one, but I thought you may like to hear another opinion.

I didn't like this as much as your usual writings, but I think it can easily go there with a little more work. A few things:

Firstly, I was a bit confused in the beginning considering the setting. I thought they might be in the process of stealing the book, because Jonas repeatedly said "This is wrong.", so I imagined them to be in some sort of office or something, but then out of nowhere Isaac comes and is sitting in a chair, which is not likely in the situation I had pictured. It becomes clear what they're doing then, but I still don't know where they are. Hence I'm kind of disoriented concerning the setting. It stays that way during the entire story, because I neither know where Jonas and Jeremy are sitting/standing (?) nor do I know where the door is which Deputy arrives from.

What I liked was that you don't reveal what Bodies and Brains are. Keeps me interested. Although I'm guessing that Brains are some kind of Elite.

Something I noticed was that a whole lot of your paragraphs begin with a name. It didn't bother me while reading, but rather stunned me when looking at your piece from a distance. Don't know what you want to do with that information, but I noticed it.

Also in the beginning I don't see much distinction between Jonas and Isaac. They're both rather nice compared to Jeremy and even though Isaac is holding a book he doesn't come across too different from Jonas. In the end one realizes that he's not nearly as naive and such, but maybe in the beginning you could pronounce his character more?

That's it. I still love your writing. =)

Hope this was help to you,
~Kalli

Hey. 'tis I. Feel free to ignore anything I say. You know the drill.

“We shouldn’t be doing this,” Jonas hissed. “It’s wrong.”

I don't like your first line. I'm sorry. It's not that it doesn't work as a first line. It's just that I've seen it as a first line far to often. It's like when you take someone aside to talk about first lines and hooks and all that, that is the example you trot out. Which ... actually I don't know if that's a bad thing or not. You decide.

Ok, so. In the beginning they're having a bit of a chat about morals. As you do when you're doing something you shouldn't be. It's sorted out there are three characters, all who are very different in character. Is there a reason for that, by the way? Just out of curiousity.

And then ...

“I won’t, I won’t.” Jeremy looked annoyed. “Though Jonas whines too much.” He closed the book and scowled. “When does free time end anyway?”

“At 2100.”

“Which is bedtime.” Jeremy sighed. “What a boring life. Wake up at 500, run at 510, breakfast at 640, warm up at 700, exercise at 800, and on and on the cycle goes. I hope it’s better as a Brain. I think I would enjoy it.”

“If you’re chosen,” Isaac reminded him. Jeremy scowled.

“Why wouldn’t I be chosen? They’re looking for smart people, aren’t they? They have to! They’re the leaders of the free world. If they don’t look for smart people, they’re idiots.”

“Prove it.” When Isaac didn’t say anything, Jeremy smiled. “You won’t say it, but you know it’s true. We’re only Bodies. That’s why we’re here. We keep on hoping that we’ll be picked, but how many of us are at this school? Several thousand, I imagine. Only a handful of us will become Brains. You know this. We’ll just be discarded like Deputy and the rest of the miserable administrators here.”

WOAH!!! STAGED! I don't like to say info dump to the inventor of the term info dump ... but ... Snoink! Thing is, it's set in different society to ours, so you have to explain things somehow. Otherwise everyone's just going to be sitting there with WTF? hovering above their heads. I think that's the point most people who have commented said they started to understand what was going on. But that was too contrived (for me, anyway). Especially the "When does free time end anyway?". I was half-expecting that to be answered with "Well Jeremy, I'm very glad you asked me that question, because ..."

It was kind of like: This is what our society is like. Now let's discuss! This is another interesting point about our society. Discussion! And there's this other thing which is also quite important ... hey! You know what would be fun? A discussion about that!

And also I'm with Dreamer. If their routine is the same every day, why would he need to ask when free time ends?

Jeremy held out the book higher. “This is the book that Deputy loves, more than he loves any of us. I’ve seen him at night with it. Instead of jerking off, he goes on his knees and reads it. He goes to his knees. To a book. Can you imagine? If knowledge is power, then this book must be the most powerful weapon of all. What else could make Deputy go to his knees?”

You would not be Snoink without that bit, so don't lose it.

... although, the sexual reference makes me wonder where the women are in this world.

Isaac wanted to say anything, but he didn’t trust himself to speak. A lump had firmly lodged itself in his throat. He felt like he would choke. He wanted to agree with Jonas and become a Brain, but he knew that Jonas would probably be better. And besides, if Jonas stayed here without Isaac’s protection, Jeremy would kill him.

This bit made me like Issac!

Also, up until here the whole thing seemed a bit ... fable-ish. You know? There were three boys, one was intelligent, one was strong (and a jerk), and one was kind. When the time came to pick a leader from among them, the clever one thought it should be him ... and so on and so forth, moral being, the meek will inherit the earth. I don't know if you intended it that way at all ... but I got that impression. But, as I said, that was the bit that de-fabled it for me. Probably because those issues weren't brought out into the open and resolved and moralised. Yeah ... that probably wasn't all that helpful.

Anyway, back to me liking Issac now. I like the piece when it ends more than when it begins. Which ... ok, that's sort of the point. But I like the ending better. In the beginning there's this book ... and some kids who might get picked to be world leaders ... and some deputy guy ... and they're all just having a bit, not all that friendly, chat. Stuff to discuss, but not a lot actually happening and ... changing?

See, the problem is, I don't entirely know what I'm trying to say. But I'm going to try anyway.

Maybe it's that the whole beginning bit is, basically, a stage to introduce the three boys and a bit of info about how they live. Yes? And ... it seemed like the characters came through better in the last bit. More demonstration of personalities and motives perhaps. And ... yeah.

I might just give up and move on.

Lots of people have commented that they didn't really get the Brains thing. I ... did?At least to the degree that the information you've revealed allows. I think anyway. When other people said they didn't get it, I lost confidence in my own deductions. But ...

The Brains are the leaders of society, that is, they control the Bodies. Because, anatomically speaking, brains do control bodies. Yes? Although they aren't picked by other Brains, it would seem. Which is interesting. And the Bodies as a whole don't seem to know a lot of what's going on. But that's ok! Gotta love a Mystified General Public.

It reminded me of The Island too.

Yep ... think that's all I have. But yeah. I liked it. Especially, as I said, the end. Go Issac!