Young Writers Society

I don't have a whole lot to say about this piece. It's obviously not that recent... well, I think I wrote it in May. It was for a contest on another website, with a strict word limit, which is why the ending seems so abrupt and out of place. Still, since I posted Thanatos, I thought I might as well post the initial idea for the other concept. I'm debating between this story and Thanatos as the basis for my NaNo this year. Rated R for Deimos' language. I left in the bolded words; they were the contest prompts.

EDIT: Mainly, I'd like comments on Deimos' character, please. She's meant to be an outwardly typical example of the teenage culture in her setting, which I'd loosely describe as cyberpunk. Think Shadow Run, kind of, but without the magic. She'd be the main character in the novel, which would be told in her voice, so I need to make sure she's reasonable.

----------

I thought it was going to be a simple thing, really, I did. I mean, it doesn't sound that bad, right? You lay back, close your eyes and let them do their thing, and, voila!, there you are, wherever you wanted to be. Like that old sci-fi movie, right? Total Recall? Except you don't just remember your trip, you get to experience it. For extra, they'll even embed that experience right there in your brain, where you can access it any time you want, as long as you buy their little device. Sure, it's a scam and all, but everyone says it's totally worth it. You pay the price, you get your fantasy, you're happy. Everyone says it's a really sweet deal.

So, I go to get it done myself. Hell, I'm not gonna miss out on something that cool, right? I mean, sure, it's a kinda scary thing, but I'm no pussy even if I do have one, and, well, Saturn's ribbing was really gettin' to me. Calling me a scaredy cat and tellin' me I wasn't worth the cost of the gene manip it took to birth me. That really gets my blood to boiling, you know? My momma paid for looks and figure and girlie stuff like that, but I'll be damned if I didn't turn out as good as any man, beauty or not. Never mind she's not too happy she got herself such a fighter, and I'll prove anyone wrong who says I'm not good enough.

And that's how I got myself into this whole mess in the first place.

It was innocent enough when I went in there. The whole clinic set-up, you know? Nice and sterile, professional, like. Please-have-a-seat-and-one-of-our-initiation-counselors-will-be-ready-to-see-you-soon. Mags on the table, some with the fancy new holo covers, some so out of date they're still glossy paper. I was flipping through one of the older teen-zines and laughing at the haircuts when they called my name.

"Deimos Hawthorne?"

So I stand up and she smiles at me, and she's got this cosmetic surgery that makes her eyes real blue, so you can't see what she's thinking behind all that color. We go into a room with a bunch of equipment all over the place, the kind of stuff that's mostly just for show, 'cause you know they don't use all of that! Anyway, she sits me down and starts asking me questions, vital stats and all, and I give her the answers, all SOP. So far it all seems pretty legit. They've got certificates on the walls and everything. So I tell her the truth, 'cause if I go through with this they'll be around in my brain anyway, and they'll know I was lying.

When she's got her paperwork all filled out, she starts asking me questions about the experience I want. I ask her about the standard trips, 'cause there's no way I've got the credits for any kind of custom shit. She lists a few, but they all sound boring, things that would be just as good if I plugged a tape into a VR deck, and I don't know why everyone's been making such a fuss about something so simple, so I tell her so. She smiles this weird little smile and tells me she's surprised, she never expected I was the type to want that kind of adventure. 'Course I got all indignant after that, which is probably what she wanted, because she manipulated me right on into buying this mystery package deal that is like an ongoing adventure I can tap into any time in my head, always adapting to my brain's reactions to the plot. Sounded like a deal to me. I sign her waiver, press my fingerprint up on her little scanner and transfer the money.

All business now, she passes me off to a doctor who's got this gap in his teeth, and I don't like his smile at all. It bothers me 'cause almost as soon as I get into the implant room he's got me strapped in with a ridiculous thing over my head that looks like some kind of old-fashioned lampshade or something, but it's bleeding wires all over the place and I can feel it buzzing against my scalp. I never did get to see where all those wires were supposed to go, 'cause right then I look up at that creepy smile, and the doctor's telling me to relax, and then there's nothing.

I could've been out for a long time, hours, days, or even just a few minutes. There's no way of knowing how time is passing when you're unconscious, and I was out like a light, under my lampshade, ha ha. Anyway, I finally woke up, but everything was still dark, and I thought I was asleep still. I mean, what, is the doctor just gonna leave me like that? No way! So I lie there and try to see something more interesting, 'cause, hell, it's a dream, but there's nothing.

That's when the pain hit me.

At first it was just in my abdomen, all raggedy like Popsicle sticks get when you break them. After I noticed it, though, it was everywhere, just this unbelievable pain. I think I was screaming and struggling, but there was no sound and I wasn't moving. I guess I was strapped down. I couldn't turn my head to look and I couldn't open my eyes, so I dunno. I guess I must've passed out again though, 'cause after a while I couldn't feel it so much anymore.

When I woke up again, I was sitting up on the table in the implant room, staring at all the equipment on the walls just like before. The doctor was even there with that gap-toothed smile of his, all mouth and no eyes.

"What the fuck did you do to me!" I shouted. Hell, I was mad. Whatever that son of a bitch had put me through, it was seriously messed up. I could feel it in me still, like something wasn't right, even though it seemed like I was mostly normal. It was all I could do not to punch that smirking bastard square in the face! "What the fuck did you do to me!"

"Nothing," he said, and the room spun around him like a gyro, until I thought I was gonna hurl my pseudo-beef lunch all over the floor. Fake cow meat and barbecue sauce everywhere! I was actually retching when everything stopped and I was in that blackness again.

This time, I could hear voices.

"She's flatlining again, quick, give me the shot!"

"Doctor, I think she's conscious, her brain is reacting now."

"Oh my God, is she gonna die? Is Deimos gonna die?!" That voice I knew. Saturn... I thought, reaching out to him, but of course he wasn't there.

The voices faded back, as though I were floating to the bottom of a gigantic swimming pool, hearing them through layers and layers of chlorine-water.

Saturn...

This time, when I woke up, I was at home, sitting on my bed next to Saturn. We were watching some dumb cartoon on the TV, but who cared about that, 'cause he was kissing me and I was kissing him back and we were struggling out of our clothes when the pain hit me again and I started screaming.

Blackness.

I wondered if that pain was what vampires feel in that last minute after the sunshine hits them and they're bursting into flame.

Awake. The air is heavy, muggy, fog so thick you can almost drink it. I'm in a boat, I think. Can't see it, but it's rocking under me. There's someone else here, but I can' see who it is. "What's happening to me?" I demanded, but the only answer was this weird deep laughter that sent chills clear through to my soul.

Blackness. This is starting to piss me off.

More blackness. I think I'm starting to forget what consciousness feels like. I wonder if this is death...

I open my eyes and sit up. I'm lying in a plain white hospital room. There's a little tray next to me on the table with a glass of what looks like lemonade, but God knows it could be a piss sample or something nasty like that. I don't touch it.

The doctor comes in. He smiles at me, and his teeth are straight, and the smile reaches his eyes. He's happy. "How do you feel?" he asks me.

"Like I was run over by a train. Is this my new body?"

What? But I was already beginning to realize that it wasn't me doing things, 'cause I hadn't been saying those words, and I wasn't the one admiring myself in the mirror, preening and smiling.

"You'll feel better once the host mind has settled," the doctor said.

Wow. That's creepy.

The first thing I'd like to note is, you change tenses sometimes.

So I stand up and she smiles at me

Looks likes there aren't any other mistakes. Don't quote me, though.

Hi ProfessorRabbit, here to review as promised. As Kyte said, it's kind of hard to review this piece because it's so good. However, after rereading and rereading again, I did find some things.

So far it all seems pretty legit. They've got certificates on the walls and everything. So I tell her the truth, 'cause if I go through with this they'll be around in my brain anyway, and they'll know I was lying.

The Sos are just a tiny bit repeatitive, not even repeatitive to bother me, but still noticeable. You can take one of the Sos out or you don't have to; I just thought that I'd point it out.

"What the fuck did you do to me!"

She's still asking a question, no matter how enraged she is, so you should put a question mark before the exclaimation point.

"What the fuck did you do to me!"

Same thing here.

Deimos

She reminds me a lot of one of my best friends; just sort of angry person, which is exactly why I liked her. I know any other person would probably being yelling at the doctor too and extremely confused as to what was going on, so she's completly relatable in that sense.

She'd be the main character in the novel, which would be told in her voice, so I need to make sure she's reasonable.

She's reasonable, as I said above.

Plot

It was interesting. It confused me, as it did the main character, but you said it ended sort of aburptly so I'm hoping that you'll clear things up in the following chapters.

PM me if you need any help and I hope I helped some.

-alwaysawriter

I thought it was going to be a simple thing, really, I did.

I think this might be better as two sentences. Viz. “I thought it was going to be a simple thing. Really, I did.”

You lay back, close your eyes and let them do their thing, and, voila!, there you are, wherever you wanted to be.

Rather long sentence. Perhaps make it, “You lay back, closed your eyes and let them do their thing. Then, voila! There you are, wherever you wanted to be.” Your tenses confuse me a little here. It starts off in past, but bits of this sounded like present.

I mean, sure, it's a kinda scary thing, but I'm no pussy even if I do have one, and, well, Saturn's ribbing was really gettin' to me. Calling me a scaredy cat and tellin' me I wasn't worth the cost of the gene manip it took to birth me.

I can get some accent differences and turns of phrase in narrative, but this is taking it a bit too far, I think. The “kinda” works, but dropping g’s just looks out of place.

That really gets my blood to boiling, you know?

Nix “to”.

Never mind she's not too happy she got herself such a fighter, and I'll prove anyone wrong who says I'm not good enough.

I think I get the gist of what’s being said here - that her mum isn’t very happy that she’s a fighter - but it isn’t worded very clearly. Perhaps you could split this up? The two facts you have here don’t seem to fit together very smoothly.

Mags on the table, some with the fancy new holo covers, some so out of date they're still glossy paper.

Nice.

I was flipping through one of the older teen-zines and laughing at the haircuts when they called my name.
"Deimos Hawthorne?"
So I stand up and she smiles at me, and she's got this cosmetic surgery that makes her eyes real blue, so you can't see what she's thinking behind all that color.

Okay, I kind of get the tenses thing a little better now. It’s like she’s telling it like she’s thinking it? The second sentence is a bit too long, though. The bit about cosmetic surgery could be a separate sentence. This could be just me and personal preference and everything.

We go into a room with a bunch of equipment all over the place, the kind of stuff that's mostly just for show, 'cause you know they don't use all of that!

I hate exclamation marks in narrative. ^^

Anyway, she sits me down and starts asking me questions, vital stats and all, and I give her the answers, all SOP.

What’s SOP?

She lists a few, but they all sound boring, things that would be just as good if I plugged a tape into a VR deck, and I don't know why everyone's been making such a fuss about something so simple, so I tell her so.

Ai yi yi, very long.

'Course I got all indignant after that, which is probably what she wanted, because she manipulated me right on into buying this mystery package deal that is like an ongoing adventure I can tap into any time in my head, always adapting to my brain's reactions to the plot.

It bothers me 'cause almost as soon as I get into the implant room he's got me strapped in with a ridiculous thing over my head that looks like some kind of old-fashioned lampshade or something, but it's bleeding wires all over the place and I can feel it buzzing against my scalp.

“’Course” and “’cause” and very long sentences.

Fake cow meat and barbecue sauce everywhere!

Exclamation mark again. It’s really not needed. There’s more of a grossed-out feel without it.

"Oh my God, is she gonna die? Is Deimos gonna die?!"

One or the other, not both.

Saturn... I thought, reaching out to him, but of course he wasn't there.

I. Cannot. Believe it. Professor Rabbit used an ellipse. Yes, that’s right, folks! An actual three-dotted ellipse!

This time, when I woke up, I was at home, sitting on my bed next to Saturn. We were watching some dumb cartoon on the TV, but who cared about that, 'cause he was kissing me and I was kissing him back and we were struggling out of our clothes when the pain hit me again and I started screaming.

Gee, this is sudden. She blacks out, is in hospital, wakes up at home, and immediately she wants to have sex without a single word exchanged? I mean, probably they did say stuff, but the effect here is, “Man! This girl’s got an appetite!”
*two minutes later* Unless it’s meant to be like this? Flashing on, flashing off?

There's someone else here, but I can' see who it is.

Typo - can’ = can’t

Blackness. This is starting to piss me off.

Maybe you didn’t mean that to be funny, but it is.

"You'll feel better once the host mind has settled," the doctor said.

Ooooooh. 0.0


---

Well, it was very interesting and I like the sci-fi-ish pheel to it, without getting too spacey.
Deimos seems like a good M/C. She's likable, but not a whatchacallamite. Not too Manxmouse-ish, if you know what I mean. I get the feeling that she lives a bit rough, and she hasn't had that great an education, and she's used to taking care of herself, but she's not hard hearted. I could be completely wrong, but that's the impression I got. ^_^

I think you might want to consider taking this bit out:

My momma paid for looks and figure and girlie stuff like that, but I'll be damned if I didn't turn out as good as any man, beauty or not. Never mind she's not too happy she got herself such a fighter, and I'll prove anyone wrong who says I'm not good enough.

Reading this brings to mind a picture of Keira Knightley wielding a sword and declaring that she's just as good as the guys, and she'll show that, even if she has to kick everyone's butt into the middle of next week, so help her. Spunky heroine. Bleagh. We get a picture of Deimos' attitude enough from her actions and speech without having thoughts like these.

As Deimos will be narrating the entire story, you might want to change her thought style a little, make it clearer. While some of it's perfectly fine:

I thought it was going to be a simple thing, really, I did. I mean, it doesn't sound that bad, right? You lay back, close your eyes and let them do their thing, and, voila!, there you are, wherever you wanted to be. Like that old sci-fi movie, right? Total Recall? Except you don't just remember your trip, you get to experience it.

... other bits don't flow so well:

My momma paid for looks and figure and girlie stuff like that, but I'll be damned if I didn't turn out as good as any man, beauty or not. Never mind she's not too happy she got herself such a fighter, and I'll prove anyone wrong who says I'm not good enough.

Sometimes the narrative is more like a flow of thought, and this makes it hard to follow. There was hardly any description or real emotion in here, but that didn't detract from it, because of the writing style you're using. However, sometimes that type of style can get a little irritating after a while (for me, anyway) so don't go too over the top with the thought-narrative.

I did enjoy this, and it was a very interesting read, with the things like pseudo-beef and hologram magazine covers. And the ending - host mind? o.0