How do you delete threads?

Well since this is already published there are no grammar mistakes, but however this chapter seems really rushed it sounds like this:

I went to the park. I ate a donut. Then I saw a bright red bird flying. There was also a man in the park eating a donut as well.

do you see what I'm Talking about?

And since This was Chapter Thirteen, I had no clue what was going on, It was confusing at times and the reason being, We as the readers have no clue as to What is going on. You should have put Chapter One up first to introduce people.

When you do put Chapter one up I will Critique that and Your characters Along with the over all piece. Although it won't matter because this is already published and you can't fix it.

This was grammatically correct, but this chapter just didn't flow when i read it, too bad it's published, you can't really fix it now.

good luck with selling it :shock:

I mean, you need luck
not to be mean

---Jon---

Since you're new to YWS, you probably don't know this. But before you post your own work you have to review two other people's writings. In the end, your review to posting your own work ratio should be 2:1. Now onto the review.

Her face lit up, she then sprinted towards Jaden.
Jaden sprinted to her.

I'm personally a nitpick about word repetition, and I don't think you should use 'sprinted' for both people.

Jaden then looked at Lisa and looked at Brooklan.

Put -Jaden looked at Lisa then Brooklan.-

Veria then put the ship on auto pilot.
Inside the ship was a massive martial arts stadium.
Jin walked round the massive stadium.

First, this was a bad transition. One moment we were in the cockpit, and then the next we were at a stadium. Throw in some dialogue and maybe have them walking to this stadium.
Second, you use 'massive' to describe the stadium twice. So for the last sentence just say 'Jin walked round the stadium.

“Okay I want a nice, clean fight, whoever disarms their opponent first wins the fight”

Aren't these pirates? If so, why would the stakes be so low? Also, if I remember right, most duels, even those in the real world, end with someone dead. There's just not much at stake. If he doesn't lose anything from losing the duel to free Lisa. But it really shows his guts if he could die from it. Then Lisa would try and stop him, etc, etc. Then if you want your character to be good, you can have him spare Jin the last minute, or whatever you want to do.

Brooklans blade then sparkled with electricity.
Jins blade sparkled with electricity.

Once again, repetition. You could easily change this to -The blades began to spark with electricity.-

Jin’s sword then exploded knocking him backwards flying, he then landed on the stadium.

Wasn't he already in the stadium? No matter where he flies, he will land on the stadium since the stadium is everywhere. Maybe you meant he landed in the seating?

“When the warrior and the blade become one an ancient power surrounds them, the power is so powerful that it will destroy anything in it’s path, I am quite surprised it happened to you though” said Brooklan.

Too easy. What room is there to improve if he can already do that? It also makes accomplishing it less awe-inspiring.

Okay, here are a few other things I found:
1) The fluidity of the piece was lacking mostly because nearly all the sentences were the same, short length. You need to learn to combine different sentence lengths to create the best effect. To lengthen some of the sentences you could connect a few by adding words like 'and' and 'but' between them. For example, you could change:
This: I went to the park. Then I began running around.
To This: I went to the park, and began running around.

2) You tell instead of show things in your story. The most descriptive parts were the beginning with the ships, and when you described Jin's body. Maybe you should describe more colors, structures, buildings, instruments on the ship, rooms, etc. This isn't something you can change in one go, but it will come in time. You just need to practice.

3) You use the word 'then' way too much. A lot of the times you could stop from using it by simply combining sentences with the word 'and'. Sometimes it's not even necessary.

4) Some of the actions were a little unrealistic. For example, when Jin was warming up, he was doing back flips. Then in battle he somersaulted over Jaden, and Jaden couldn't find him even though he merely jumped over him. Jin even turned invisible. I know this all may be part of the story (The magic, the sci fi, etc), and maybe if I read the other parts of the story it would seem less akward. But since this is the first I've read of the story, it's just not believable enough.

Overall? I thought it was hard to follow since it started in the middle of the story. I didn't know who these people were, and had no clue who you were talking about at the beginning when you said "Outside the pub the four walked to the Avanar docking room. " Who are the four?
It also moved too quickly. Take your time and smell the roses, if you know what I mean.

I did find the world you're trying to create is interesting with a nice combination of science and magic, and who doesn't like air ships? No one, that's who. So basically it's a good idea with a good start, but you still need to work a little on it.

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