Young Writers Society

The alarm sounded, screaming the same message “alert,” till it was etched into my brain. I swore under my breath and sat up in my bed. I waited for a second while my new eyes adjusted to the light. I watched in awe as a hundred of us marched into the atrium. Their feet in sync with the steady patter with the rain on the tin roof.

I jumped out of my bed. My legs felt stiff and clunky after my long sleep. The run felt good; gave me a chance to stretch my joints.

As we entered the atrium, I was met solely by disappointment. When you think of an atrium; you might imagine sunlight, plants, and comfy furniture. Instead I was greeted by four gray walls and one rather large television mounted to the farthest of the four.

Once the room was full, the doors slammed shut and the television flickered on revealing the metallic face that was Boss. No one really knew what his real name was or cared for that matter. All that was important was that he gave the orders and we followed.

“The day has come my brothers, the enemy has crossed our lines and is commencing on your position,” His voice exploded across the silent room; drowning out even his own echo,” Your orders are as follows...”

Yeah, I knew the drill: run, duck and shoot anything that moves. Man I hated my life or at least what was left of it. These robots took everything from me: my job, my house, even my daughter.

My daughter, how I missed her. She was only four when the robots came and separated us. I wonder to this day what became of her. I think of her everyday so I can keep her face fresh in my mind. I think of her long brown hair, her freckled face, the moon shaped birth mark on her cheek, and her deep blue eyes full of joy, wonder and love; just like her mothers.

“My little Luna,” I whispered.

Almost like I had just said the magic words, the wall in front of me fell forward with a loud thud, revealing the ruins of a once proud city and a hundred advancing enemies in the distance.

Before I even knew what was happening, I was already halfway there and leading the pack, compelled by pure hatred and the desire to kill. Bullets whizzed past my head; their source both enemy and friendly.

Cries of anger and pain erupted from the enemy; silence was all that followed me. I was almost there. I could smell their fear, taste their blood. Revenge would be mine. Revenge for my Luna.

I raised my rifle for the first time to fire; only to have it fall to the ground. My arm still clutching it. Sparks flew from my shoulder stinging my face. I dropped to my knees in a pool of the black liquid that had replaced my blood. Nothing made sense where was my blood, where were these sparks coming from, and why did I feel no pain? Almost exactly when the answer hit me so did two bullets to the chest. I fell to my back; abandoned by all hope. I simply had no will left to live.

The last thing my eyes greeted was the muzzle of a gun held by a beautiful grown woman. Her freckles had left her, her long brown hair was now short and dirty, and in her blue eyes, once full of love, only hatred remained. Only her lunar birth mark remained the same, covered in a fine coating of dirt.

“My lil Luna” I coughed, the black liquid filling my lungs.

This was followed shortly with a bright flash and a loud bang. Then there was only darkness, and the fading sounds of a crying woman.

An intriguing start, I'd say. You had a few punctutation errors.

just like her mother's.

Don't forget the old apostraphe!

His voice exploded across the silent room;

A comma works better here.

Man(,) I hated my life(,) or what was left of it.

Good job and keep writing.

That was pretty great. You made me care for the guy by mentioning his daughter and then you made me really angry by having him get shot and then with his daughter above him. Wow. Crazy good story. I couldn't tell if he actually got killed in the end. I assume the crying woman is Luna, and that he is still alive because its him telling the story. A bright flash wasn't exactly the best hint as to filling us in. But other then that, and the fact that it was a little short, I thought it was really great. You have a way of creating emotion in the story.

Great job, the only thing I think that you could improve on would be the pace. You may have wanted to go for a rushed pace for this scene, but it is so rushed that it leaves the reader going back in the story to see what happened, try to describe things a bit more and draw it out a little longer and you'll be in great shape

Can't wait to read more

Hello, and welcome to the lovely YWS! I am me, your critic for this moment.

For my first act, I would like to inform you of what's called the Two to One Ratio. It is well known among most members of YWS, though new members [such as yourself] may have neglected to read Rules -- MUST READ, which is wonderfully written and explains in great detail the Eleven Commandments of YWS. Members may post their work, but for every one [1] work they post, they must review two [2] works written by other members of this site.

My second act will be a friendly suggestion. Polls are not very welcoming, to put it as simple as that. I'm not against them, but they don't encourage people to come and read your work. In fact, when I read things that have said polls in them, I never answer the polls.

And my third act, the one you've all been waiting for... *drum roll* ... The critique! *cheers and applause*

Grammar and First Impressions

Because this is short and not killer, I'll give you a line-by-line crit [or I'll edit each and every nook and cranny of your work for punctuation, grammar, etc.]

The alarm sounded, screaming the same message “alert,” till it was etched into my brain. I swore under my breath and sat up in my bed. I waited for a second while my new eyes adjusted to the light. I watched in awe as a hundred of us marched into the atrium. [comma instead] Their feet in sync with the steady patter [s]with the[/s] of rain on the tin roof.

Here, you have three sentences in a row that start with I did this... and I did that... That doesn't float with me, and it sounds awkward to the reader. Also, I'm afraid I don't understand the hundred of us marching into the atrium dealio. I try so hard to make sense of that, and I just can't.

Underlined: (1) That's unenthusiastic and (2) the comma is unnecessary. I would punctuate this as: ... message -- "Alert!" -- till it... 'cause you treat the alert as aside information. It should be set aside, then, using dashes [not commas in this instance] or in some other format.

Italicized: The change here was to reduce the number of withs and thes in the sentence.

I jumped out of my bed. My legs felt stiff and clunky after my long sleep. The run felt good; it gave me a chance to stretch my joints.

Semicolons separate two complete sentences; therefore, the second part needed a subject for the semicolon to work.

Would you jump out of bed if you were all stiff and "clunky" [I don't much like that word, by the way.]? ^^

As we entered the atrium, I was met solely by disappointment. When you think of an atrium; [comma instead] you [s]might[/s] may imagine sunlight, plants, and comfy furniture. Instead, I was greeted by four gray walls and one rather large television mounted to the farthest of the four.

Once the room was full, the doors slammed shut, and the television flickered on, revealing the metallic face that was of Boss. No one really knew what his real name was [dash instead?] or cared for that matter. All that was important was that he gave the orders and we followed.

The first sentence is kind of a run-on. If there's a way to shorten it, that would be awesome-possum. Also, when using and or any other of the FANBOYS, it doesn't get a comma in front of it unless there are two complete sentences on either side of it.

The dash suggestion is questionable because it's up to you and what your style is. The of is there because it sounds awkward calling Boss that. There's definitely a better way to reword this, and I highly recommend rewriting it. ...the doors slammed shut and the television flickered on, revealing the metallic-faced Boss or metallic face of Boss or any other way.

“The day has come, my brothers, [period instead] the enemy has crossed our lines and is commencing on your position,” [s]His[/s] his voice exploded across the silent room; [comma instead] drowning out even his own echo, [insert space here] ” [close space here] Your orders are as follows...”

Commas do not separate complete sentences. They can if they have one of the FANBOYS with them; however, they are not allowed to separate sentences without their guidance.

Yeah, I knew the drill: run, duck and shoot anything that moves. Man I hated my life [dash instead?] or at least what was left of it. These robots took everything from me: my job, my house, and even my daughter.

Underlined: Alright, lists are dumb when it comes to this. The comma is optional after duck (in this case). Run, duck, and shoot. It's optional, so I won't bang on you for it; however, earlier, you had a list that did have the comma there. Please keep it consistent.

My daughter, [dash or ellipses (...) instead] how I missed her. She was only four when the robots came and separated us. I wonder to this day what became of her. I think of her everyday, so I can keep her face fresh in my mind. I think of her long brown hair, her freckled face, the moon-shaped [s]birth mark[/s] birthmark on her cheek, and her deep blue eyes full of joy, wonder and love; [dash instead] just like her [s]mothers[/s] mother's.

If you plan to use an ellipses, capitalize how so it doesn't look like a typo. Don't capitalize it when using the dash, though. And you can use a period, but it doesn't fit your style of writing.

Watch out for the hyphen I added in moon-shaped. ^^

You have a lot of instances I find the dash to work the best in. That may be how you write -- with dashes. I do. They're lovely little things! ^_^

Almost like I had just said the magic words, the wall in front of me fell forward with a loud thud, revealing the ruins of a once-proud city and a hundred advancing enemies in the distance.

Hyphen in once-proud 'cause the entirety of it is an adjective.

Before I even knew what was happening, I was already halfway there and leading the pack, compelled by pure hatred and the desire to kill. Bullets whizzed past my head; [comma instead] their source both enemy and friendly.

Underlined: That's not an adjective. Enemy is a noun while friendly is an adjective. Evil is an adjective as well as a number of possibilities. In other words, change enemy.

I raised my rifle for the first time to fire; [no semi] only to have it fall to the ground. [comma instead] My arm still clutching it. Sparks flew from my shoulder, stinging my face. I dropped to my knees in a pool of [s]the[/s] black liquid, [s]that had[/s] which had replaced my blood. Nothing made sense: [s]where[/s] Where was my blood, where were these sparks coming from, and why did I feel no pain? Almost exactly when the answer hit me so did two bullets to the chest. I fell [s]to[/s] on my back; [comma instead] abandoned by all hope. I simply had no will left to live.

Underlined: This sentence reads awkward-ly. At the exact moment the answer hit me, two bullets nailed me in the chest.

The last thing my eyes greeted was the muzzle of a gun held by a beautiful grown woman. Her freckles had left her, her long brown hair was now short and dirty, and in her blue eyes, once full of love, [s]only hatred remained[/s] was hatred. Only her lunar birth mark remained the same, covered in a fine coating of dirt.

Underlined: This entire description makes it sound like the MC recognized the girl, but the first sentence doesn't assume that.

Italics: I'd put this in dashes as well 'cause you treat it as aside information, and there are too many commas in the sentence already. ^^

“My lil' Luna,” I coughed, the black liquid filling my lungs.

Forgot the comma, silly! Lil is a name, not a word. It needs an apostrophe after it. ^^

This was followed shortly with a bright flash and a loud bang. Then there was only darkness, [no comma] and the fading sounds of a crying woman.

Description and Explanation

I didn't really understand where this took place and how everything worked. A little more explanation is needed here. In the beginning, I thought it was some ordinary teenager waking from bed, and then the confusing "hundred of us" thing threw me off. (I understand that part now, though. I reread it with a different mindset and understood it.)

It'd be pretty neat if you could describe the other people in the room. You said Boss had a metallic face. Are they all identical metallic people? Or different characteristically? Describe them a little.

Plot

I kind of know what's happening, and then I kind of don't. I know that Luna used to be a sweet little girl and has grown up to be an evil butt-kicker. So it'll have something to do with her. However, it's still early [assuming you're continuing this] for a plot to develop anyway. There's not much to say here. ^^

Semis are Friends, not Food...

...so don't abuse them! You use them way too much [let alone incorrectly ^^]. I understand they're amazing -- I love them to death -- but there are other punctuation choices to use. Watch out for that. ^^

Characters

Not well-developed. Only Luna is, and I still don't really know her. I can only believe what you've told me. I don't know what kind of person the MC is -- only that he's a dad and lost his baby girl? I don't know Boss -- except that he says the same thing over and over, I guess?

Show, don't tell

All this kind of wraps up into Show Don't Tell, a phrase commonly used around here. Readers like to see what's happening, not take your word for it, as trustworthy as you are [or not]. ^_^ Describe the scene, explain the reasons through pictures, etc. It will make the story even more understandable.

Overall

This was a good start! Don't get me wrong -- I like the concept. I just don't know what really happened, but if you take some of my advice above, it'll improve greatly.

If you have any questions or comments or requests, PM me! I'd be more than happy to help!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!