Young Writers Society

Earthly Competition

The words ran through Arianna's mind ...now comes the story of Nine-fingered... "Ms. Casey, Ms. Casey!" Arianna disconnected her mind from the downloaded book. "We have arrived Ms. Casey."
Arianna picked up her bag and walked to the airspace door and out into the lunar walkway. The attendant led her down the walkway into the Lunar NASA Atrium. Both of them walked through to the elevator bank on the far side of the walkway. "You can leave, now." The attendant scurried away.
All major takeoffs were done on the moon because of the low gravity. The takeoff was seamless and soon the crew was in space. This particular mission was the second to Mars and the first to Olympus Mons, the biggest mountain or volcano in the solar system. "Activate nuclear propulsion system, John."
"Yes, Captain." John replied.
A nuclear bomb was dropped out of the back of the ship, and 200 feet out it exploded. The blast was caught with a thick steel pusher plate. Behind the pusher plate were multi-story high pneumatic springs that absorbed the impact, protecting the crew by stretching out the millisecond shock wave over several seconds cresting a smooth ride. The technology for an antimatter nuclear pulse propulsion craft was probably developed enough for use, but NASA was afraid of failure.
The crew had about 16 hours to do nothing once the nuclear propulsion system was activated. They amused themselves with recorded movies, TV shows and contact with the NASA base before getting some sleep.
With one hour left to go an alarm screamed and everyone woke up. "One hour to go Captain, we are on a steady pace, no complications," Steve, course manager, exclaimed with delight.
"So, everybody, the second mission to Mars is ours...and it's going well. We are some of the most important people in history." Arianna said with a burst of pride for herself and her crew.
"Preparing for landing Captain," reported Steve. Olympus Mons loomed up below them, massively wide and tall. Arianna activated the Lucky Imaging cameras on the ship and gave control of all but one to the computer, while keeping one for herself. These cameras first came onto the general scene after Cambridge astronomers took some of the best space pictures ever. She was zooming on Olympus Mons, gasping in awe. Something moved. Or she thought something moved. She glanced at the pictures currently being sent back to the Moon and Earth. The computer hadn't caught it. She glanced at the video camera screen shooting Mars. She rewound it, but didn't see it. Figuring she had only seen dust, Mars was the dustiest planet in the solar system so this made sense, Arianna kept what she had seen to herself.
When the ship had gotten within 10 minutes of Mars, John had switched to conventional fuel, giving him more precise control. "Everyone into space suits, prepare to walk on Mars!" Arianna said, excited but nervous about what she had seen. John and Steve followed the orders and Arianna followed suit. The surface of Mars was getting closer and closer.
"Mother of God! What was that?" Steve had seen a small movement on the face of the planet.
"I saw it before, but thought my eyes were deceiving me." Arianna said in horror. But she quickly changed her attitude. "Comrades! We have discovered life off Earth." With a voice command the computer aimed all its cameras at the place Steve had seen the movement. "Pull up, Steve, pull up!" John hollered. He leveled out into an orbit, but didn't pull up.
"NO! I am the captain. We go down."
"No, we should vote, this could be life-threatening," Steve contributed. "You can't throw us into the jaws of death because you're captain! Risk your life, but not mine!" Arianna looked at him with fury, but Steve stared her down. Finally she relented, "You're right. John?"
"We go up and report."
"Steve?"
"Yes, I think we should do that. Sorry Captain."
"Ok, fine. Let's get out of here. John switch to nuclear. Steve, head us home." The computer started beeping in warning. Arianna hurried over to the display. A high pitched squeal pierced the ears of the crew. EEEKK. "The wall is squealing!" Steve yelled.
"There is a tiny hole in the wall! Decompression! Patch the hole!" Arianna yelled. She ran to the supplies chamber. She tossed a welder to John. "Hurry!" They were in their suits, but the oxygen in them wouldn't last long enough to get home. "Done!" John yelled in relief. He ran to switch to nuclear. The first explosion went off and the shock wave met the pusher plates...CRASH! Something had hit the ship. A yard wide hole appeared in the wall. The computer squealed in protest. The air whooshed out of the cabin in half a second. The engines ruptured and the space craft hurtled toward Mars, the computer transmitting photo, video and audio data back to NASA until the last second when...

Wow.

Okay, this is why I love sci-fi, because you can be totally out there and your readers will get it.

That being said, there was still some weirdness that didn't really make sense. But first, the good stuff:

-Good techinal bits. The idea of a nuclear-powered spaceship is very radical. And then the antimatter stuff, very cool.

-I'm not sure if this is what you were going for (more on that later) bu I thought it was pretty funny. I think my favorite line was: "No, we should vote, this could be life-threatening!" Because a life-or-death situation is a perfect time for a democracy... I think the dialogue, while a tad unrealistic, was dead on for your characters.

-The characters were also great. Arianna supposes herself to be some great astronaut, but right off the bat the dozes off into her own little fantasy. The tone also suggests that she's practically jumping up and down with excitement, like a bouncy little kid, and yet she thinks of herself as some kind of brave, adventurous person. Steve I can picture as like this nerdy kind of guy, and the captain is just a stalwart army-commander type.

Now, the hard part- confusing stuff:

-I presumed that you had written this as a comedy, what with the exaggerated dialogue and characters. Your tone was light hearted. Up until the ending, which really threw me for a loop, because the implication is that everyone dies. Perhaps you meant it that way, since this is a wonderful exercise in irony [three technically adept astronauts who have no clue how to react to differentiating information, like apparent life on a lifeless planet], but still, it was really random.

-TONE. The tone is the emotional response you want from the reader, and in a short story it should remain pretty much consistant. Yours wavered from a funny tone to a dramactic, action tone, and as a result didn't get a very emtional response either way.

-On a similar note, if you're going to have a cliffhanger ending, it should be a real shocking statement, one that leaves the audience gaping and saying, "OMG, how could that happen, what the crap????" But your last line is, "...the computer transmitting photo, video, and audio data back to NASA until the last second when..." which isn't a very powerful last line. Perhaps instead a lingering look at the shocked expression on someone's face, or the description of the engine as it exploded and careened toward the surface would be more appropriate.


["Mother of God! What was that?" Steve had seen a small movement on the face of the planet.

"I saw it before, but thought my eyes were deceiving me." *Who talks like this? Only Arianna. Great characterization.*

"No, we should vote, this could be life-threatening," Steve contributed. "You can't throw us into the jaws of death because you're captain! Risk your life, but not mine!" Arianna looked at him with fury, but Steve stared her down. Finally she relented, "You're right. John?"
"We go up and report."
"Steve?"
"Yes, I think we should do that. Sorry Captain."
"Ok, fine. Let's get out of here. ]


All in all, this was a good piece, and you're a great comedic writer, so long as you keep your focus.

The words ran through Arianna's mind ...now comes the story of Nine-fingered... "Ms. Casey, Ms. Casey!" Arianna disconnected her mind from the downloaded book. "We have arrived Ms. Casey."

-- okay confused with the first couple of words. What words are running through Arianna's mind?

Arianna picked up her bag and walked to the airspace door and out into the lunar walkway.

-- too many ands. Say instead. Arianna picked up her back and walked through the airspace door onto the lunar walkway.

The attendant led her down the walkway into the Lunar NASA Atrium.

-- An attendent met her halfway and led her down the rest of the boardwalk into the Luna NASA Atrium

Both of them walked through to the elevator bank on the far side of the walkway. "You can leave, now." The attendant scurried away.

-- it isn't quite clear who says the quote above. I'm pretty sure it's Arianna but you might want to clear that up.

All major takeoffs were done on the moon because of the low gravity. The takeoff was seamless and soon the crew was in space. This particular mission was the second to Mars and the first to Olympus Mons, the biggest mountain or volcano in the solar system. "Activate nuclear propulsion system, John."

-- Okay, so you show us the details of Arianna walking up to the spacecraft and then you tell right through the flight. I like details and telling is often emotionless and takes away from your story. Show the readers what happened. Also try to explain their mission a little more. I really don't understand why they are doing this.

A nuclear bomb was dropped out of the back of the ship, and 200 feet out it exploded.

-- reorder. A nuclear bomb was dropped out of the back of the ship and exploded 200 feet below the shuttle.

The crew had about 16 hours to do nothing once the nuclear propulsion system was activated. They amused themselves with recorded movies, TV shows and contact with the NASA base before getting some sleep.

-- why? I still am confused?

"So, everybody, the second mission to Mars is ours...and it's going well. We are some of the most important people in history." Arianna said with a burst of pride for herself and her crew.

-- she seems kind of full of herself here. Try to make it less obvious that she's proud.

"Everyone into space suits, prepare to walk on Mars!" Arianna said, excited but nervous about what she had seen.

instead say at the end of the sentence: Arianna said, nervousness and excitment bubbling in her stomach.

You have a lot of great ideas here! This is the making of a great story. Just a couple things I recommend fixing:
1) You do way too much telling. Showing the readers what is going on is much more effective and engaging than say they got on the plane and went to mars. Instead focus on a character like Arianna. Talk about her emotions, what she's thinking as she walks onto the platform.
2) Include more dialogue. Build your characters more by showing how they interact with one another.
3) Include the characters emotions by showing the audience how they feel. Emotions give dimension to flat characters.

Other than that keep up the good work! I really liked it:-)

what can i say, this is the one. look for these things though :
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"You can leave, now." The attendant scurried away.

you should have put 'said' after since its the first time she is speaking
-

The crew had about 16 hours to do nothing once the nuclear propulsion system was activated. They amused themselves with recorded movies, TV shows and contact with the NASA base before getting some sleep.

so its in the future right ? nice sentence
-

The engines ruptured and the space craft hurtled toward Mars, the computer transmitting photo, video and audio data back to NASA until the last second when...

a perfect way to end it.
i didn't understand one thing, was ariana a girl, a woman, or a astronaut. my best advice would be that describe the chracters and their surroundings that way we(the readers) will get a hold on whats going on.


pm me anytime
-budding writer