Young Writers Society

I have deleted the story, and plan on publishing it after revision. Thank you for the critiques.

Word Count Approx. 1250, Pages 4

Added material is in brackets (well, I might put in a few strike marks.):

Half frozen to death on the tundra, a gentle voice whispered in his ear. He was sure it was only a dream, but when she touched him, he opened his eyes.
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“You.”

It was her. The woman he’d {You know what I've said about contractions in the part one, so I won't say anything in part two.} nicknamed Raja knelt at his side, still dressed in the thin white linen robes.

“Michael.”

The first word he’d ever heard her speak. But his mind wouldn’t function. He couldn’t concentrate. He fought to keep himself awake, but he failed, slipping back into unconsciousness.

He opened his eyes again to find himself lying on a bed covered with fur blankets. He saw Raja stirring a pot at the stove and saw that he was inside a one room hut. “How long have I been out?”

“Two days.”

“Two days! My friends they—where are my clothes?”

Raja reached into a cupboard and handed the neatly folded pile of clothes to him. Then she turned and started to open the door.

“Where are you going?”

“Privacy,” she answered.

Raja stepped outside and waited quietly as the wind gently blew over her. She showed not the slightest hint of cold, completely unperturbed by the harsh weather. Moments later, Michael cracked open the door and Raja reentered the building, and shut the door behind her.

“How can you survive out there?” Michael asked.

She merely smiled, and went to the stove. She grabbed a bowl and dipped {She dipped stew in a bowl? I thought you would dip into the pot the stew was in and put it in the bowl.} some venison stew inside, giving it to him.

“You don’t talk much, do you?” he said as he sat down on the bed gratefully eating his supper.

Raja got a bowl of her own, and settled down in a chair by the fire.

***

Nightfall came, and Raja got up out of her chair.
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“Sleep,” she ordered.

“Am I taking your bed?”

“No, no. Lay down. Sleep.”

Michael reluctantly obeyed. Once she seemed satisfied that he was comfortable, Raja pulled out a bed from the wall opposite him, on the other side of the hut, and climbed in under the covers. Within minutes{,} she was fast asleep, but Michael lay awake, staring at her sleeping form.

Quietly, he slipped out from his fur covers and tip-toed near her bed. He sat down on the hard wooden floor, gazing at her.

It wasn’t too long before the fire started dying, and Michael rose to put another log on the rack. But just as he sat down again, Raja awoke.

“Need?” she asked as she sat up.

“No.”
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He quickly returned to his bed and lay down.
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“I’m sorry,” he said as she got up and went over to him. “It’s just that you’re so beau—” He cut himself off, searching for something else to say. “You’re such a mystery.”

In silence, she tucked him in under the fur covers.

“How come you don’t get cold? Where does all that heat come from? How can you possibly survi--”

“Tomorrow,” Raja interrupted.
{}
She turned to go back to sleep.

“Tomorrow, you’ll answer my questions?”

She turned back and shook her head{,} “No. Your friends. Must go back.”

“Oh yes, we must. You’re coming with me, right?”

She nodded.

***

The next morning, Raja got out several fur mantles, wrapping them around Michael before they set out for Camp.
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“What is your name?” Michael asked after they had been walking for a few minutes.
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He couldn’t keep thinking of her as Raja. He ought to call her by her right name.

“Raja,” she stated, completely astonishing him.

“What?”

She didn’t offer an explanation, but impulsively yanked off his glove, and slipped her hand in his.

Immediately, Michael felt the familiar warmth of heat emanating from her.
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Hours passed before the campground came into view, and {O}nce it was only a hundred yards away, Raja abruptly stopped, pulling away from him.

He turned toward her, confused.
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“Come with me,” he urged.

“No. Home.”

“But I came to find you. I don’t want to lose you.”

“We’ll meet again. I’ll watch you. Go.”

***

Weeks passed by, Michael becoming more agitated and annoyed by the minute. He wanted to see her again. The scientist part of him wanted answers. How she could be unaffected by the extreme temperatures? Yet the other part of him just wanted to touch her, to feel that magical warmth again.

He drove the snowcat between Camp and Base several times, but Raja never appeared to him, until one night he dreamt of her again.

***

Raja floated into his mind, but this time, she wasn’t standing in a meadow, but rather she was strapped down to a cold metal table. Sweat dripped down her face as she struggled against the bonds holding her prisoner.
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“Michael!” she screamed. “Michael! Help me!”
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Her voice dropped to a whisper. “Help me.”

With that, Michael awoke certain that what he’d seen was real. In seconds, he was on his way to the snowcat outside, and {Soon he was outside, driving} the vehicle as fast as he dared.

Hours later, he arrived at Base. He swished his ID card, and then paused for a moment. Where was she? The labs, yes the labs!

Michael ran down the hallways, frantically searching for her. He found the observation room where she was kept, and broke down the door. He undid her straps, and helped her to sit upright.

As they tried to leave, several soldiers blocked the doorway, but Raja thrust her hands against their chests, burning them. She did the same to everyone else who got in their way, as they {It should be more clear who is trying to escape. I know it's Raja and Michael, but it could be the soldiers.} tried to escape from Base.

As the alarms blared overhead, Michael led Raja to the garage, and swiped his security card in the slot{.}, but {T}he door wouldn’t open.

Raja pressed her hands against the door, but then removed them, leaving a faint outline of her handprints.
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“Too long{,}” {“said Raja emphatically” or something like that.}

They found another exit and stepped out into the middle of yet another storm.
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“You can keep me safe, can’t you?” Michael asked.

“I’ll try. Thank you, Michael.”

They walked for several hours, but Michael could tell that something was wrong.
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“Raja?”

“Hard to keep us warm{,}” {she stated.}
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{She took a few more steps before falling to the ground unconscious.} Michael was shocked when he saw her skin turn blue in an instant. Desperately, he tried to revive her, but he couldn’t. Michael lifted her in his arms and continued the journey alone. {Except, he's not alone. He's with Raja.}

Not much time passed before he, too, collapsed one last time, with Raja in his arms. The wind slowly buried their bodies under a white blanket of snow.

***

An indeterminable amount of time passed. Then a trickle of water flowed from the ice as it melted. A hand pushed its way out, followed by another. Then {A} mass of golden hair {appeared}.

Raja pulled herself up to the surface, and search{ing} for Michael in the snow. She found his frozen corpse and gasped, a tear falling down her cheek.
“Michael{,}” {she whispered, trying to rouse him with her regained heat.}
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{I}t was far too late.

Raja turned toward the horizon and saw her house in the distance. They had been so close to safety. If only she could have held on longer. If only she could have summoned one last ounce of strength.

She slowly rose from her knees, her wet dress turning damp, then dry. She took a few steps toward the tiny hut before the wind started blowing fiercely around her. Raja glanced at Michael’s body one last time before vanishing into thin air.

{Wow, that was pretty good, but not quite as good as the last part. The action sequence could use some work. It seemed as if you were trying to throw something together just to get through that part. The point of the story is kind of weird. The ending is kind of deepressing. It seems completely pointless. People could get from this story that when you feel like you have nothing left to give, give some more because it will make a difference. Is that basically what you were trying to get across?}

Thank you for the critique!!!