Young Writers Society

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I like it. You are an extremely talented writer. Your characters are stoic, but somehow retain the personality you've dealt out to them and your settings are pristine.

However, I feel you overdo your description at times. There are places where I kind of rolled my eyes and skipped down the page. There comes a point when enough is enough. Let the reader do some of his own structuring, because too much paint on your canvas quickly turns people off. KISS.

he stared into the mirror. Deep blue eyes stared back

The bolded words are repetitive. Take out one of the words and replace it with something else.

connected in any way.

How about, "connected to them in any way."

anti-clockwise

Awkward wording. Consider "counterclockwise".

Or just keep sending Morse code [s]to the floor below[/s]

I love this line, but the stricken portion really kills it. Take it out and all your dialogue reads smoother.

calmed Russell [s]faintly[/s]

Avoid needless adverbs like the plague. This passage works just fine without the use of "faintly".

Anyway, good stuff here. I look forward to more.

-Kylan

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Feeling the door know in the small of his back he fumbled around until his hand made contact.

I really don’t understand what you mean here, maybe something has been misspelled?

The room they slept in was fairly bleak, aside from the two beds and the chair there was a battered wooden desk and a single grimy window.

I don’t know why people use ‘aside’ but the correct word would be ‘apart’ or its synonyms.

.:

Hello!

I’d just like to point out ‘anti-clockwise’ is fine, unless people say ‘counterclockwise’ these days.

I think you should have a lot more going on in your chapters, I know some people prefer shorter ones but you don’t have much happening to keep the story going:

1 — Russell hears a noise, goes to inspect and ends up killing the zombie

2 — May wakes up, goes outside, a short conversation follows, goes over to Sherman

3 — Another character is introduced, the conversation between the two characters gives you a little idea about who they might be

4 — Back to Russell, this time washing up and venturing outside

This isn’t a bad thing but the story would move forward a lot quickly if the paced was upped and more took place.

Anyway, I’d really like to see more posted.

Myth