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Young Writers Society


Wishing on Stars, Praying for Miracles [1]



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7 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 806
Reviews: 7
Fri Dec 16, 2011 7:54 am
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CharityDawn says...



Spoiler! :
This is actually my first attempt at explaining a part of my past, and I'm not afraid to admit that it's personal. :) There will be more to come.

...I stepped from the musty school bus and greeted the spring air with a deep inhale. It smelled of the year’s first rain and sweet peach blossoms. But I only smelled isolation and pain. My good personality had been left among the reek of adolescents. I was still until I felt the wind fighting against my back and could no longer bare the sun’s harsh rays. I took long deliberate strides through the white, cheap, broken fence that harbored my insanity.
The lawn hadn’t been mowed for two years, thickets, tumble weeds and sprouting poplars littered the once vibrant grass. I had wrestled there; I had chewed that grass and had hoped to become a stallion to fly from this desolate valley. I had spent many sleepless nights there, lying out, counting the stars with my brothers and talking of the many things we’d once be, the places we would live, the lives we would change. That was another universe; maybe those times still linger among the same glittering stars, but they were unimaginable now. The only mentionable presence was now a rusting barbeque grill with a missing leg. The sun glinted off of the crumbling, ancient metal reminding me of blood clots.
Shaking the image from my mind, I walked up the porch and rested my hand on the flaking golden doorknob. I turned it slightly and then remembered that it never latched anyway and harshly pushed the door open the rest of the way. The house smelled very stuffy, and faintly of negligence. I only smelled the stuffiness, because the nose has a way of throwing away familiar scents, and we all smelled of abandonment here...
Last edited by CharityDawn on Fri Dec 16, 2011 5:21 pm, edited 2 times in total.
*we wear our scarves just like a noose,
but not 'cause we want eternal sleep.*
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 2557
Reviews: 82
Fri Dec 16, 2011 5:03 pm
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TheClosetKidnapper says...



This is great. You have vivid adjectives and have set the tone very well. The only thing I could see from an editing viewpoint is where you say
adolescent children
. Isn't that a little redundant? Other than that, great job! I can't wait to read more!
I'm never what I like
I'm double sided
And I just can't hide
I kind of like it
When I make you cry
'Cause I'm twisted up, twisted up
Inside

Semiautomatic
twenty one pilots
  





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308 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 25520
Reviews: 308
Sat Dec 17, 2011 8:15 am
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AlfredSymon says...



Hi! I like stars!

Well, I think you just did a great job here, dear. You made a short moment go long in a slo-mo type of effect, which really impresses me. It's very emotional and quite inspiring in some way. I also like your word choice and structure!

Thanks for a great read,
Al
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