Young Writers Society

It's raining again, with grey skies overhead, thunder roaring, like a wild beast. I think this would be a good first line, with fewer commas. I think it should look something like this:
It's raining again, with grey skies overhead; thunder roaring like a wild beast.

It reminds me of that day- our last day together... Oh, how I detest the rain! The thunder still startles the horses, and they can barely be controlled. I won’t allow our children anywhere near them during a storm like this! Ah, the children, I suppose you would like to know about them. Charles is growing up to be a strapping young lad. You would have never known how dashing he’d turn out from that little babe - maybe 'baby' would suit better? you saw me holding. He was only a few months old when you… had the accident. Charles is five now, he looks just like you, the same dark hair and brown eyes that I fell in love with, the same smile you always had. And Anna, a darling child, sweetest little angel on earth! You never did get a chance to see her, but I can tell she looks just like me, the same wild brown hair, and blue eyes that you always said were much too serious, but even at this age, she’s just as fearless as you, believing she can do anything, and come out unscathed. -this is quite a long sentence! Maybe shorten down a bit or add a connnective or something?
They ask about you sometimes, but I can’t bear to tell them what happened! I have to be strong for them, and seeing their little faces stained with tears of sorrow, I would most assuredly break down. I told them you went off to war, to fight against those accursed British. I will tell them the truth, but only when they are much, much older.

I hoped writing this letter would bring me some closure, but it only brings the agony of that night back, the torture I went through, being so helpless, as though I were the one broken in the dust outside, the life draining out of me. - Another really long sentence! Oh, how I wish it had been me instead! Why did you have to go outside that night? There was no need to calm the horses! You knew they bolted at the sound of thunder!And yet you did! You opened the barn door!You opened the barn door and the horses bolted! You opened the door and now you’re dead! You’re dead, Walter! You will never see our children grow up! Never teach Charles how to hunt! Never show Anna how to ride a horse! Never kiss me again. - Overuse of exclamation marks I think...

Oh Walter, my dearest Walter, there are no words to describe the despair it brings me to live without you. Everyday, living in this house you built for us, to share until well into our olden years. But too soon, much too soon, you’ve been stolen from me, leaving a vacant place in my heart, forever empty, gathering dust, for however long I shall live. I love you Walter, I shall always love you. Beyond the bonds of time, of distance, of death, you are my love.

It's raining again, with grey skies overhead, thunder roaring, like a wild beast. I think this would be a good first line, with fewer commas. I think it should look something like this:
It's raining again, with grey skies overhead; thunder roaring like a wild beast.

It reminds me of that day- our last day together... Oh, how I detest the rain! The thunder still startles the horses, and they can barely be controlled. I won’t allow our children anywhere near them during a storm like this! Ah, the children, I suppose you would like to know about them. Charles is growing up to be a strapping young lad. You would have never known how dashing he’d turn out from that little babe - maybe 'baby' would suit better? you saw me holding. He was only a few months old when you… had the accident. Charles is five now, he looks just like you, the same dark hair and brown eyes that I fell in love with, the same smile you always had. And Anna, a darling child, sweetest little angel on earth! You never did get a chance to see her, but I can tell she looks just like me, the same wild brown hair, and blue eyes that you always said were much too serious, but even at this age, she’s just as fearless as you, believing she can do anything, and come out unscathed. -this is quite a long sentence! Maybe shorten down a bit or add a connnective or something?
They ask about you sometimes, but I can’t bear to tell them what happened! I have to be strong for them, and seeing their little faces stained with tears of sorrow, I would most assuredly break down. I told them you went off to war, to fight against those accursed British. I will tell them the truth, but only when they are much, much older.

I hoped writing this letter would bring me some closure, but it only brings the agony of that night back, the torture I went through, being so helpless, as though I were the one broken in the dust outside, the life draining out of me. - Another really long sentence! Oh, how I wish it had been me instead! Why did you have to go outside that night? There was no need to calm the horses! You knew they bolted at the sound of thunder!And yet you did! You opened the barn door!You opened the barn door and the horses bolted! You opened the door and now you’re dead! You’re dead, Walter! You will never see our children grow up! Never teach Charles how to hunt! Never show Anna how to ride a horse! Never kiss me again. - Overuse of exclamation marks I think...

Oh Walter, my dearest Walter, there are no words to describe the despair it brings me to live without you. Everyday, living in this house you built for us, to share until well into our olden years. But too soon, much too soon, you’ve been stolen from me, leaving a vacant place in my heart, forever empty, gathering dust, for however long I shall live. I love you Walter, I shall always love you. Beyond the bonds of time, of distance, of death, you are my love.