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Young Writers Society


grandmother's ghost



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Sat Dec 10, 2011 12:48 am
AquaMarine says...



Found a prompt on a site a while ago and wrote this out quickly. I like where I went with it. If you'd like a (very) brief explanation of my though process whilst writing this, ask. Read it first, though. (Any thoughts on the paragraphing by the way? It was originally one block of text but that seemed inaccessible).

---

there are two chairs in the room. one is a faded red; the material so worn it’s almost pink, but still retains a deep blush at the edges. shiny hand-prints are grooved into the arm of the chair, and it still holds the vestige of mid-morning and mid-afternoon snacks in the form of the occasional crumb lurking in the seams. the back of the chair sags: shapeless from the body that has moulded into it. the other chair is beige, the colour that comes when all other colours are mixed together and combined with a dulling white. though seemingly soft, it is covered with plastic masquerading as leather and stocky, rigid wood rises up to form a backrest ready to claw at tired shoulders.

they sit together, these chairs, and the woman stands next to them. a hand on each, she looks down at the floor. strands of white hair brush over a creased face; grooves that tell of countless sunday afternoons in the garden, of watching a child grow older until they become a distorted mirror, of watching the world until it ceases to be reality. slowly, her head tilts away from the floor. a straggled curtain of hair still veils her features, but a bony hand follows the woman’s gaze, skittering over the faded material of the reddish-pink chair. it traces the outline of the handprints and the woman and the chair sigh simultaneously – it is the sigh of a husband or father setting down his briefcase on a friday afternoon, of a student setting down their pen at 3am monday morning. they sigh and the woman snatches her hand away, burnt by a dying flame.

head still tilted towards the red chair, she turns her body and sinks slowly into the chair that is coloured dull-white-beige. when her body touches the chair it is as rigid as the wood that her shoulders barely touch. hair falls away from her face as it turns away from the other chair; brittle icicles falling from the mouth of an icy cave. her hand stills at her side – the fingers twitch, reaching out for something that is no longer there. beside her, beside the dull-white-beige chair, the formerly red chair begins to fade. the blush at the edges creeps backwards until the now-only-pink chair becomes insubstantial, a dream-that-was-once-a-memory. as the chair fades, the woman’s features are obscured once more as she looks down at the floor.
Last edited by AquaMarine on Sun Dec 11, 2011 1:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Sun Dec 11, 2011 1:22 am
TheAmazon says...



First thing that I noticed was that the first letter of each sentence was not capitalized. Correct punctuation is important, because it makes writing easier to read. In general, people are lazy, so if it isn't easy to read, they probably won't bother finishing it. :P

One thing I would change would be things like "husband/father" and "red/pink". My suggestion would be to pick one, or say "reddish-pink", or to completely use another word to describe it.

I really loved the way you described the old woman, and the part where it says "grooves that tell of countless sunday afternoons in the garden, of watching a child grow older until they become a distorted mirror, of watching the world until it ceases to be reality". "Distorted mirror" really created an image of how most kids grow up to look like their parents.

I think you could've dived more into the flashback or memory were, maybe give more clues to who this man she's missing is. I'm assuming it's her husband, but if you added more to make that more clear, it could be more meaningful.

In general, I think has potential to be a really great piece. Just a bit of editting and adding, and you're good to go. :)
  





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Sun Dec 11, 2011 4:27 am
Lava says...



Amy! I can has thought process story? :3

H'okay! I love you for trying something new. It's different from what I've seen you put up.

I like that you split it into three right now, because it's easier on my eyes; but if it was in print, maybe one paragraph wouldn't be bad. But this splitting is okay too. Not like you went around cutting branches or anything.

The lack of capitalization bothers me; that's me personally. I don't mind it generally, but somehow, my head's not accepting it here. Was it for the flow? 'Cause I think it helped it there. Maybe because I feel that this grandma is too emotionally involved to use a capital I?

red/pink chair.
I'm not fond of the slashes. Izt distracts your reading attention when everything else is fine, especially with no capitalization. And I know what you're trying to say, but maybe say red-pink? Or ust one colour? This way, it looks more essay/scientific article-like, and what you have is a flowing piece.

/will brb after power cut.
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.

  





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Sat Dec 17, 2011 3:07 pm
Baboon says...



Hey Aqua! Babs here for the promised review :D

Except there's really not much I can say. This is a fantastic little piece of writing. In terms of your thoughts about the paragraphing, I think it feels much more natural. I tried to imagine it as one block of text and it seemed self-consciously dense and difficult to read :P

There are two sentences that I don't really like, but I LOVE everything else. I'll look at the negatives first.

hair falls away from her face as it turns away from the other chair; brittle icicles falling from the mouth of an icy cave.
The hair falling away is fine, I just wanted some context, but I don't think you can link icicles and hair together and this made it sound a little jarring to me. The "mouth of the cave" is a nice capturing of the woman's hollowness, so why not have spider's webs falling away from it or something? Just not icicles :P

the colour that comes when all other colours are mixed together and combined with a dulling white.
I think the "dulling white" is great, but the "the colour that comes when" seems a little slow and clumsy to me. If the rest of the piece was also clumsy that would be fine, buuuuuuuut it's not :P How about "that mixture of all other colours, trapped in a dulling white."

Apart from those tiny two things, everything else here works. And it works perfectly :D

Favourite bit:

rigid wood rises up to form a backrest ready to claw at tired shoulders


*drools at imagery*

Thanks,
Babs
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