Young Writers Society

*white skin-u girl-u girl-u
Girl-u heart-u black-u
Eyes-u eyes-u meet-u meet-u
My future dark* - the music player played.

"Why this kolaveri kolaveri kolaveri di," I wore my t-shirt singing non-sink with the music player. I knew am a terrible singer. To make it more clear am just a bathroom singer.

I took out my 'one man show' perfume, sprayed randomly all over my body and gave a rocking pose in front of the mirror.

'Something is missing,' I thought.

I looked around to find my coolers. "Perfect," I said wearing it and tried different kinds of smiles to impress a girl, standing in front of the mirror.

"Let's fix with this," I said choosing a better smile that suited me.

Finally I was ready to go for Dandiya.

Dandiya is a kind of festival where fair and cute girls will be dancing around with 2 sticks in their hands tapping with others. In short, it's the best place to find hot chicks. And the best part is it happens only at nights.

*********************************************************************

I and my friends reached the place on time. We got our tickets and reached the spot, where people were ready for dancing. I wore my coolers and started looking at girls, so that I won't get caught seeing them.

A normal person heart beats seventy two times per minute. My eyes worked faster than my heart. Suddenly my eyes got stuck with a girl. She was cute enough to get attracted by anyone, including girls within fraction of seconds. My hands felt itchy to pull her cheeks as she was little chubby. She was very fair that even in dark she could be visible brightly. Yes, I always got attracted by fair girls so easily. Her hair was open and tucked behind her ears. She looked like a fresh apple with her little tummy.

"An Apple a day, keeps the doctor away," my friend said.
"What?" I said giving a puzzled look at him.
"You need Apple?" he replied, showing a half eaten apple.
"No dude," I said and moved my eyes towards her, but she wasn't there.

They played a Hindi song and people started dancing. I kept searching for her tapping my sticks to others. I found her dancing a little far away from me. I went through people and reached closer to her. I casually kept dancing and knocked her sticks with the romantic smile that I practiced at home. She didn't even look at me properly.

'Anything is wrong in my face? Am I looking like a dumb fellow?' I thought.

I took out my hanky; wiped my face nicely and corrected my hairstyle. After third round she gave me a smile and I grinned at her back.

Hours went in minutes for me. The dance got over and they started issuing gifts for best dancers. My full concentration was at her. She put her forefinger and middle finger joining together into her mouth and tried whistling. Only air came out instead of sound. When I started laughing seeing her, she saw me. She took her fingers out and turned back immediately.

"Cute," I said to myself. I really liked her.
I waited for the right time to speak to her.

*********************************************************************

After the function got over we came out and I found her waiting alone for someone. I felt that was the right time to speak.
"But what should I speak?"
'Okay let's put like this. You are looking good and I am really interested in you.'
"She will kick me."
'Okay then, what about this? Can I have your contact number?'
"She will kick me again."
'Then let's do this. Will go and ask about the bus route from here casually.'
"Yeah this looks fine. Let me try."

I went closer to her. Suddenly a bike came fast and halted between me and her. It was a guy. He was not so aged to be her father and also I was pretty sure that he was not her brother as they did not look similar. He signaled her to get on his bike and she did. The next second that bike went like a rocket. I felt very much disappointed. She was fair as I thought but what God did to me was so unfair.

"Excuse me," Someone from my back called me.
I turned around and saw her. As I needed to respond her immediately I couldn't think much about how she was but in short she was like 'Wow'..
"I am new to this place. So could you please tell me the route for anna nagar?" She asked me.

'Sometimes God gives us double options. God is double great.'

"Oh! Anna nagar! I am also going in that way only, so if you don't mind you can come with me," I said.
"Yeah sure," She replied. The next moment I went with her like a Vodafone dog.

Nice story! I'll just pick on the grammar first. This may be overly harsh - if so, please excuse me! Most of these are either grammos, or just my own preferences, which could be better or worse than your own, so read with discretion! You don't have to listen


*white skin-u girl-u girl-u
Girl-u heart-u black-u
Eyes-u eyes-u meet-u meet-u
My future dark* - the music player played.

"Why this kolaveri kolaveri kolaveri di," I wore my t-shirt singing non-sink with the music player. I knew am a terrible singer. To make it more clear am just a bathroom singer.
"Why this kolaveri kolaveri di," I sang non-sync, putting on a t-shirt. I knew that I was a terrible singer. To make it clear - I am a bathroom singer.
Ha ha - the bathroom singer is great!

I took out my 'one man show' perfume, sprayed randomly all over my body and gave a rocking pose in front of the mirror.
and struck a rocker pose in front of the mirror.

'Something is missing,' I thought.

I looked around to find my coolers. "Perfect," I said wearing it and tried different kinds of smiles to impress a girl, standing in front of the mirror.
I looked around to find my shades. (It is a more common term.) "Perfect," I said, putting them on and trying different kinds of smiles to impress a girl. (We know that you are in front of the mirror, so it is unnecessary to repeat it.)

"Let's fix with this," I said choosing a better smile that suited me.
choosing the smile that suited me best.

Finally I was ready to go for Dandiya.
Finally I was ready to go to Dandiya.

Dandiya is a kind of festival where fair and cute girls will be dancing around with 2 sticks in their hands tapping with others. In short, it's the best place to find hot chicks. And the best part is it happens only at nights.
Dandiya is a kind of festival, where fair (fair is an oldish word which can mean "blond" or "beautiful". I suggest that you use one of those words, to avoid confusion) and cute girls dance around, holding sticks and tapping them against others'. In short, it's the best place to find hot chicks. And the best part is that it only happens at night.

*********************************************************************

I and my friends reached the place on time. We got our tickets and reached the spot, where people were ready for dancing. I wore my coolers and started looking at girls, so that I won't get caught seeing them.
My friends and I got there on time. We bought our tickets and arrived where people were getting ready for the dance. I put on my shades before I started watching the girls, so that no-one would be able to catch me staring.

A normal person heart beats seventy two times per minute. My eyes worked faster than my heart. Suddenly my eyes got stuck with a girl. She was cute enough to get attracted by anyone, including girls within fraction of seconds. My hands felt itchy to pull her cheeks as she was little chubby. She was very fair that even in dark she could be visible brightly. Yes, I always got attracted by fair girls so easily. Her hair was open and tucked behind her ears. She looked like a fresh apple with her little tummy.
A normal human heart beats seventy times per minute. My eyes were faster than my heart. Suddenly I spotted a girl. She was cute enough to be attractive to anyone - even other girls - within a fraction of a second. My hands itched to pull at her cheeks as she was slightly chubby. She was so (beautiful or blond) that even in darkness she would be visible.

"An Apple a day, keeps the doctor away," my friend said.
"What?" I said giving a puzzled look at him.
"You need Apple?" he replied, showing a half eaten apple.
"No dude," I said and moved my eyes towards her, but she wasn't there.
"An apple a day keeps the doctor away," my friend said.
"What?" I said, giving him a puzzled look.
"You need an apple?" re replied, showing a half-eaten apple.
"No dude," I said and returned my gaze to the girl, but she had disappeared.

They played a Hindi song and people started dancing. I kept searching for her tapping my sticks to others. I found her dancing a little far away from me. I went through people and reached closer to her. I casually kept dancing and knocked her sticks with the romantic smile that I practiced at home. She didn't even look at me properly.
I kept searching for her, tapping my sticks against others'. I saw her dancing a distance away from me. I pushed through the throng to get closer to her. I kept casually dancing and knocked her sticks, giving her the romantic smile that I had practised at home. She hardly even looked up.

'Anything is wrong in my face? Am I looking like a dumb fellow?' I thought.
"Is anything wrong with my face? Do I look dumb?" I thought.

I took out my hanky; wiped my face nicely and corrected my hairstyle. After third round she gave me a smile and I grinned at her back.
I took out my hanky to wipe my face and corrected my hairstyle. After the third time that I met her, she gave me a smile and I grinned back at her.

Hours went in minutes for me. The dance got over and they started issuing gifts for best dancers. My full concentration was at her. She put her forefinger and middle finger joining together into her mouth and tried whistling. Only air came out instead of sound. When I started laughing seeing her, she saw me. She took her fingers out and turned back immediately.
The hours seemed to fly past for me. The dance ended and there were prizes for the best dancers. All my concentration was focussed on her. She put her forefinger and middle finger together into her mouth and tried to whistle. Only air came out.

"Cute," I said to myself. I really liked her.
I waited for the right time to speak to her.

*********************************************************************

After the function got over we came out and I found her waiting alone for someone. I felt that was the right time to speak.
"But what should I speak?"
'Okay let's put like this. You are looking good and I am really interested in you.'
"She will kick me."
'Okay then, what about this? Can I have your contact number?'
"She will kick me again."
'Then let's do this. Will go and ask about the bus route from here casually.'
"Yeah this looks fine. Let me try."
After the function ended and we came out, I found her waiting alone. I felt that it was the right time to speak.
"But what should I say?"
'Okay let's put like this. You are looking good and I am really interested in you.'
"She will kick me."
'Okay then, what about this? Can I have your number?'
"She will kick me again."
'Then let's do this. Ask about the bus route from here.'
"Yeah that looks fine. Let me try."

I went closer to her. Suddenly a bike came fast and halted between me and her. It was a guy. He was not so aged to be her father and also I was pretty sure that he was not her brother as they did not look similar. He signaled her to get on his bike and she did. The next second that bike went like a rocket. I felt very much disappointed. She was fair as I thought but what God did to me was so unfair.
I went closer. Suddenly a bike sped up and halted between us. It was a guy - not old enough to be her father and I didn't think that he was her brother. She got on his bike and the next second, they were off like a rocket. I felt very disappointed. She was so fair, but what God did to me was so unfair.

"Excuse me," Someone from my back called me.
I turned around and saw her. As I needed to respond her immediately I couldn't think much about how she was but in short she was like 'Wow'..
"I am new to this place. So could you please tell me the route for anna nagar?" She asked me.
"Excuse me," someone called from behind. As I needed to respond immediately, I couldn't think much about her, but in short she was a wow.

'Sometimes God gives us double options. God is double great.'

"Oh! Anna nagar! I am also going in that way only, so if you don't mind you can come with me," I said.
"Yeah sure," She replied. The next moment I went with her like a Vodafone dog.
"Yeah sure," she replied.

I just lifted out a few problems or things that I would do different in there, but the story itself is quite cute! Poor guy - all that hard work, then he learns that he doesn't need to work to get a girl!

As a female myself, I do not really like the main character - I don't think that he deserves to get the girl, because he has a very big ego etc. The character needs to be nicer to gain a female reader's sympathy. It probably works for guys, though. It depends on who you wrote it for.

The storyline itself is fine, if a bit clichéd, but still serves in the setting in which you put it. If you got rid of the grammar mistakes and made the main character more humble and likeable, I would probably enjoy reading it! You have a great sense of humour and I look forward to more of your work!

thank you for ur comments

Great story, but:

*white skin-u girl-u girl-u

Girl-u heart-u black-u

Eyes-u eyes-u meet-u meet-u

My future dark* - the music player played.

"Why this kolaveri kolaveri kolaveri di," I wore my t-shirt singing non-sink with the music player. I knew am a terrible singer. To make it more clear am just a bathroom singer.

This was all really confusing. I don't know what's happening.

The rest is great though!

NightWriter x

It's a song. So nothing to get confused Anyways thanQ