Hello there!
So, this is something I wrote...
I don't exactly know what it is. It is definitely not a script, but please don't ask why I wrote it in acts...
I don't know, I felt the need to do it. This is very, very personal. So please, before you comment/review...
I don't want compassion, I don't want pity. I want understanding. This is exactly why I've been struggling.
And the people mentioned in this...
Thanks.
Also, if you wonder why I shared something this personal on YWS...
I wanted to share this with someone - anyone - for a long time.
But I never felt like I was strong enough to do so.
Now I am.
Thanks for making my life good again.
Plus, I just want to mention that I'm not a native English-speaker. I'm trying very hard, though. Feel free to nitpick, I love nitpicking.
-
The red curtain slowly rises, a smooth spotlight blinds my sight.
I only hear the cheers, echoing through my ears.
I don't know that nobody's there, nobody really cares.
I raise my voice, still blind to my sourroundings,
and as I hear the cold echo of my own voice,
I am taken back to where I was before,
living it all through again.
Act I : The childhood memories
*
"Bufa, take that sugar down for me!"
"Here you are."
I still remember the innocent look on my brother's face,
when my mom came into the kitchen.
"She told me to do it!"
"And you listened to her? She's three years old!"
*
"Veve, I'm playing with Denise today. See you later, okay?"
I walked away to the wooden bridge, but then she screamed at me,
her face full with fake tears. But I was too blind to see.
"If you go now, I won't be your friend anymore!"
I gave in... She was the only friend I had.
At least the only female friend I didn't imagine...
*
"And remember, we fight for love and justice,
and Nicole and Alina are evil.
We have to fight them. Got it?"
"Yes, Veve. C'mon Lele, let's go."
"Yes, let's kick some butt."
Nicole and Alina were my best friends the following year.
Even though it was just a foolish childhood-game then,
why did I let her command us like that?
*
"Lele, why can't you go to the school in Cologne with me?"
Despair in my voice, tears stung brutal behind my eyes.
But I didn't let them fall.
"My mom won't let me go that far every day."
Sorrow was in her voice, but I also heard joy.
She was going with Jana – she didn't need me.
"But I'll be with you everyday! I promise to never get sick,
just so that I can take care of you everyday!"
She laughed.
"That's nice Lili, but you can't really say that you
never will become sick. You know it."
I sighed.
"But Lele..."
"I'm sorry Lili, I can't. We'll still keep seeing each other, right?"
A brief nod from me, and I walked away.
"See you at school tomorrow."
But then I realized, we wouldn't be going to school the following day.
Not that school we attended for four years – together.
*
I looked around, recognizing only three girls.
Lele – inviting me even though we hadn't been with each other for half a year,
Jana – who betrayed me, and took Lele from me. She was the only person I ever truly hated.
Melissa – a girl I saw sometimes at our swimming club. I had talked to her about 5 times before,
she was nothing but a familiar stranger.
The other faces were new friends of Lele, and I was so jealous. Jealous, that they could be with her every day, and I could not. The jealousy didn't make me angry, like many would've expected of a jealous person, it made me sad.
I felt my heart breaking with every second of that party.
I don't remember when, how, and why,
but at that party, I made a joke.
Then I heard the words I won't ever forget in my life. So... cold, icy like the coldest winter.
They cut through my heart like sharp glass shards,
and I felt the blood pouring out of my messed up heart.
"Trying to be funny like you always try, Lisa? It has never been funny, and it never will be.
Nobody cares about your so called jokes anyway, so just shut the fuck up.
It would make it a lot funnier for us."
Lele didn't notice the words her new best friend had said to me,
her former best friend.
Or maybe she did notice, but ignored it.
I still wonder if she cared.
*
Act II : The later years, a new beginning
*
I had a fun time at my school in Cologne – without Lele,
without anyone from my elementary school.
I kept seeing an old friend of mine – Johannes.
And I fell in love with him in fifth grade. We'd known each other since we were only four years old,
and we shared many interests. One night I slept over at his place,
it was the day we became a couple. The night of my first kiss.
"I love you Lisa."
I blushed.
"You do?"
"Yes. And I know you love me too."
His lips were soft. That's everything I remember.
*
"Johannes? You know, about that thing we shared..?"
"What thing?"
He'd acted like if nothing had happened after the night we kissed.
"You know, that day when I slept over?"
"Oh, right. That was nothing. I just fooled you, sorry. I never loved you."
So young, and I had my heart broken for the first time.
I regret this 'relationship' so deeply, I wish I could just erase the memory.
But I can't.
*
I learned to forget him. My class was nice, and we all shared a certain passion:
music.
We were the music class of 2007, and I liked each one in my class. I had the best two years in my life, until one day...
*
"Our company is closing the place in Cologne. We'll have to move, Lisa."
My mother's words, so surreal, so painful... I didn't want it to be real.
But nobody cared about what I wanted, especially not fate.
"I don't want to!"
I screamed at her, even though I know it wasn't her fault.
"We'll go to Münster or Frankfurt. I just have to wait until I know where I'm being moved."
With those words, she left my room, without any move of compassion.
*
"Frankfurt."
No. God no. Not Frankfurt!
I didn't want to live there – all the crimes, all the mad foreigners...
It may sound racist to you now, but Frankfurt is really one of the worst areas in Germany.
Crimes everywhere, and even though it sounds really mean, most of them are caused by the foreigners. I didn't want to live there. I wanted to stay with my friends, my class... And...
*
"Thomas."
"Yes?"
I love you. I wanted to say it so badly. But nothing came out of my mouth.
"Nothing, I'm sorry."
"C'mon. I know you want to say something." He smiled.
"I love you."
Finally, I said it.
"I love you too."
He kissed me. I wanted it to be my first kiss, but memories of Johannes rushed over me again.
I loved Thomas, I didn't feel anything for Johannes anymore. But the memories were there.
*
"We're never going to Frankfurt. I don't want to live there."
I was happy that my other had decided against Frankfurt.
"Are we staying here then and you try to get another job?"
I hoped and hoped for weeks, I didn't want to leave.
"No. We're going to Sweden."
I stayed at home that day.
And cried. I didn't even stop crying when I was eating,
I just let the tears flow all day. Nobody came to comfort me.
*
"Hey Lisa! It's been a while since I saw you."
Lele's mother was in front of me, standing in the door.
"Yes, indeed. Can I talk to Lele?"
"She's upstairs. You can leave your shoes on."
"I know," I said and smiled.
*
"I'm moving to Sweden."
I could already feel the tears,
knowing they'd come soon.
I didn't want to try to hide them,
not when I finally could show her
how much she meant to me.
"But why?"
I explained.
"Oh."
"Here's my adress. Please, write me someday.
I promise to write back."
"I will. Goodbye."
"Goodbye."
No 'I'll miss you.'
I'd miss her. A lot.
*
Act III : Sweden
*
When I got to Sweden, five letters were already waiting for me.
From Lele,
from Alina,
and from some other people who had been in my class.
I didn't reply to any of them.
I meant to, but I couldn't.
It was unbearable.
I called them and said I was sorry because I never wrote back.
*
The first day of school, break for 5 minutes.
I went outside to get some fresh air, I didn't talk to anyone in my class.
They all seemed so damn close to each other.
"Hey.", I heard a voice saying.
"Hello."
Long, brown hair and hazel eyes. A lot of make-up, but a kind smile.
"Is it okay if you and I become friends?"
"What?" I didn't understand, the rain was really loud.
"Is it okay if you and I become friends?"
"Sorry, what did you say?"
"Is it okay if you and I become friends?"
Oh, so that's what she wanted. I smiled in glee.
"Yes, certainly we can. What's your name?"
Leia. Her name was Leia.
*
Her name wasn't Leia, but I can't mention her real name.
She's got some sort of protection for a reason and I never got to know, but never asked about.
I accepted her as the foreigner she was – a fact that connected us.
We became best friends. We went everywhere together, we had only each other. No one wanted to be our friend. Outcasts, bullied, laughed at... Nobody wanted to be with us.
Wait, there was this one girl...
*
French class. I didn't understand what my teacher was saying.
"I'm sorry, my Swedish is really bad. I'm from Germany."
I didn't understand her answer either.
"So, what do you all know about France?"
Then she, the special girl, said something about a book with a German title.
Recently you told me to not mention your name on my blog so often,
so for this little piece, I will call you Molly. Sorry if you don't like that name,
but I am certain you recognize yourself.
I got curious, maybe she was from Germany?
But I never dared to ask.
I didn't need to ask. Because before the next French lesson, I was standing by the lockers,
waiting for class to start and minding my own business.
I had a killer headache then, it was extremely loud in the corridor.
Molly walked towards me.
"You are from Germany, right?"
"Sorry?" I didn't hear what she said.
"You are German, aren't you?"
"What?"
"Sprichst du Deutsch?" (Do you speak German?)
"Yes! But I can barely hear you, it's so loud."
"Never mind that. So what's your name and why did you move to Sweden?"
I answered all her questions, and I forgot the most of them.
But one thing I remember, and feel ashamed for now,
I couldn't look her in the eyes. I won't mention why,
but I couldn't. I feel terrible for it now.
Eventually, Molly and I became friends.
*
It was Swedish class, and I read up my essay.
Everyone laughed, and I ran from the classroom.
I started crying on the girls toilet.
"Are you okay?" Leia had come after me and comforted me. She hadn't read her essay – she hadn't written it.
"Yes. Go back to class, or they'll laugh at you, too."
So she left.
*
Molly made my life in Sweden easier.
To be honest, she did annoy me a little in the beginning.
But that was because I was addicted to a certain videogame,
and didn't want to do anything else.
Molly showed me a dance class in our little 'village',
and there I got to know two other nice girls.
I'm not sure if it's okay to mention your names in this,
so I'll just skip them.
Molly and I fought later.
About my addiction to this game,
and I told her I never liked her from the beginning.
And she told me the same.
Weeks passed. Heck, even months!
We ignored each other, and I was as lonely as before.
She hardly came to dancing class anymore.
But then someday, she came.
And when she did that day, my heart stopped for a while.
I didn't know how to face her.
When class was over and we put our shoes back on,
she came to me.
"Peace?" She held out her hand in order for me to take it.
"Peace." I said, smiled, and took her hand.
We then walked together for a while, talking about how stupid we were.
We became better friends from that day on.
Life was better again.
*
Social Science class.
The teacher left to get a book from the library,
and my classmates asked me to explain something to them.
It was about the second world war, and just by the way,
I never knew much about that. Except that it was stupid.
"You filthy Nazi!"
"Stupid foreigner, you don't belong here!"
"Here to invade our country?"
All sorts of mean sentences were shot at me.
I can't describe the emotions, it hurts too much only remembering.
I didn't do anything. Said nothing, didn't leave. Just sat there and stared at the wall,
relieved when the teacher came back and everyone went silent.
*
That night I cried,
remembering one certain sentence.
"You filthy Nazi!"
Nazi?
They really called me a Nazi?
Why?
They didn't know me – and I surely was not a bit racist.
I hated racism, so why would they call me a Nazi?
*
All that stuff above happened in 7th grade, my first year in Sweden.
I spent 8th and 9th grade in a different class,
they split up former 7a, into 8 c, e and f.
I happened to be shoved into 8 c.
Together with the only five nice girls in class.
Among them was Leia.
Also, a girl called Emelie, who used me.
But that story is not important.
*
8c was far from perfect, but I had a fun time there.
I got along with all the girls, and they were really nice to me.
We didn't grow close or anything, we noticed, respected and liked each other.
They were all very kind.
The boys were cheeky, loud, and funny.
Their jokes were hilarious. They mocked each other for fun,
and it showed how much friendship there was between them.
I was the only girl in class to laugh about their jokes.
*
Eventually, I became close friends with three girls from French class.
One of them quit in 9th grade, but through them I also became good friends with their friends.
I don't know if I can mention your names, but I think you also recognize yourself if you're reading this. Thank you guys, you made living in Sweden fun.
Eventually, Molly moved back to Germany.
We're still close friends, and I miss you. We talk quite often.
Found any dinosaur teeth recently?
*
The last year was over. The 9th graders separated, and we cried a lot.
I cried a lot, my class had really found a place in my heart.
"The principle smiles, 9c will never return.", is what it says on our hoodies.
It's sad to see how I won't see my closest friends everday anymore.
It's almost like it was when I moved from Germany.
Not seeing them anymore. At least not everyday.
Oh, while I'm talking about Germany.
My former classmates changed. I don't think I like them anymore.
At least not in the way I did before.
And that's the difference between those two goodbyes.
When I moved, I grew to don't like them anymore.
Now that High School separates us, I will grow up and still love you in many years.
You mean a lot to me, you've changed my life in a way you maybe didn't realize until now.
I am really eager to start with the next year of school,
because then it will lead me into Act IV, the High School years.
*
Epilogue
The smooth spotlight has still stolen my sight, I stand on the stage, alone.
My eyes are closed, but I see the bright light through my eyelids.
I feel naked, exposing my secrets, my past... My sorrows and my pain.
The wood beneath my bare feet it full of dust, remains of the memories I lost.
The ones I tried so hard to hold onto, but fell so harshly into oblivion.
I tried to grab them but they just flew farther away.
It was like catching butterflies...
My mouth is dry from my talking, my monologue that no one heard.
The seats in front of me are empty, the applause in my head is imagination.
Applause for the rough paths I wandered, the pain I went through...
Everything I've been fighting with for my whole life – so far.
I know there are things far worse than my little miseries.
But...
It feels good to share it with you, whoever you are out there, reading this.
I open my eyes, and I see no one sitting in the seats in front of the stage.
They must have left already.
The spotlight gets darker, I can see clearly now.
Now it's nothing but a dim light falling down on me.
My knees weaken, and I fall to the floor.
The tears merge with the dust on the stage,
and only know I notice what I've been holding in my hand the whole time.
Crumpled pages, a script.
The ink on it blurs with the touch of my flowing tears.
My life is just a script,
never meant to be written.
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