Young Writers Society

Preface


Throughout my life, or the part that I have lived through, I thought I knew the meaning of sadness. You discover something, or someone, you want. You know, or think you know, that you need them, that you can’t live, or be, without them. You do what you can, a new plan and a new action each day. If it doesn’t work, you are sad. But you are also lucky, despite the fact that this feeling will never be the one you think of when you recall this memory. Because no amount of sadness is worse than the feeling of loss.

The two of you become one. You laugh together, you cry together, and then suddenly you are crying by yourself, watching as he stands there, his face dry and tearless as he says those fateful words that no-one wants to hear. I promised myself that I wouldn’t put myself through that again. I had gone through enough versions of pain and heart-break to last me two life-times. Maybe even longer.

I shook my head, trying to get rid of these dismal thoughts. As I did, against my better judgment, I risked a glance, first to my left, then to my right. Both of them stood there, their hand half outstretched, reaching for the hand that had only a 50% chance of coming. The smiles on their faces were not backed up by their tear-filled eyes. Their sad, sad eyes. I couldn’t bring myself to meet them, see the dark crevices that would go on forever. The crevices that were there because of me and the trouble that followed close behind.

My heart had split in two, each of the halves pulling in the opposite direction to the other. How could I choose when doing so would inflict more heart-breaking damage? If a choice had to be made, how could I make it? How could I make a choice that would destroy half of my heart in the process? Would I be able to live with an un-healing spirit, forever wondering if I had made the right choice? My hands itched to reach out and grab them both, to reach out, pull them close and never let go of either of them. But that would never work. I lifted my hand to wipe the sweat from my perspiring forehead. The moment my fingers came into contact with my hot skin, a realization hit me. This would never end. No matter what path I took, I would still be only half. Never moving on, always remembering my choice, and always hating myself for my decision, always wondering if I had chosen the right path. So was there any point in living, if all I was going to do was cause others pain and destruction? Was there any point in living, if all I was going to do was hate myself forever? So, if there was no point in living, why was I?

Ooh...I'm hooked already! I'll get to a review in a few moments; pleasantries first!

WELCOME, Bell! Nice to see you're already posting your work! You're just going to love it here on Young writers society. Before you know it, you'll be as hooked on this website as I am on your storyline! I'm Amelia, otherwise known as Am or Alia. Do you mind being called Bell? Would you prefer something else?

Anyway, back to a review. I really enjoyed your preface. As I mentioned earlier ( twice...) Your piece possessed a definate hook. As the reader, I can't wait to find out what happens next. You have a good grasp of grammar and punctuation and how to logically progress your story.

Although your preface was, on the whole, pretty fantastic, I am a little pedantic, and there are a few mistakes I'd like to point out. There's always room for improvement, right? Here at Young Writers, we call it "nit-picking"! So here goes.

Nit-pick no 1: Title

I don't think the title that you have chosen really does the story justice. It's cliched, pedestrian, and just a little boring. It didn't draw me to your piece. In fact, when I scrolled down the list of "unreviewed works" and saw your piece, I only decided to view it in the first place because you had zero comments. 'Inside', shall we say, I found this gem-of-a-piece.

So, my point in a nutshell: think-up another title. Sometimes, it's good to write a few chapters of the novel before deciding on a title. Don't be hasty. It wasn't until chapter three until I thought up a name for my novel: Softness of Doves. If you have a few more chapters already written, scour them to see if you can come up with an original, well-thought-out title. Try going deeper, examining the underlying message and theme of your novel. Yes, I know it's about choices, but try and spice it up a bit to make it more interesting, yeh?

Ok, so now for some general nit-picks on the body of your work.

Bellbabe wrote:Throughout my life, or the part that I have lived through, I thought I knew the meaning of sadness. You discover something, or someone, you want. You know, or think you know, that you need them, that you can’t live, or be, without them. You do what you can, a new plan and a new action each day.

One of the things I like about your style of writing is that it's so simplistic, yet possesses this aura of deep philisopical fulfilment. However, I feel that this opening paragraph was a little too wordy and clutterrd. As for the sentence underlined, replace the comma with a semi-colon ( ie ; ). Moving on...

Bellbabe wrote:The two of you become one. You laugh together, you cry together, and then suddenly you are crying by yourself, watching as he stands there, his face dry and tearless as he says those fateful words that no-one wants to hear.

I'm presuming by "he", you're meaning the person who's been sent to inform the main narrator of the death ( ? ) of her love ( ?). I hope I've got that right, and if I am, perhaps think of clarifying it for the reader so it doesn't take too much deciphering.

Bellbabe wrote:My hands itched to reach out and grab them both, to reach out, pull them close and never let go of either of them.

Just a simple, final correction in the way of punctuation. I'd scrap "reach out" altogether ( as it is unecessary) and replace the first comma with a semi-colon.

Right: that's all for now! If you need anything, don't hesitate to give me a bell via PM. And, If you want any help thinking of a new story title, I'd be glad to offer my assistance . I hope you found this review helpful!

~ Amelia

Hi, I'm Demoness and here's a quick opinion on your work

I think this is promising. It's a great beginning and get's the reader.. or at least me... hooked immidiately. It's great how you intruduce so many past and present and former troubles at ones! Though, I think it is sad that you end it with the maincharacter wanting to die. Personally I don't like that "All I feel is pain, all I cause is pain.. I shouldn't live" kindof-twist. But part from that I loved it and please PM me when/if you post the next part.

When it comes to nitpicks such as grammar and strucutual errors I think Amelia covered most of them and that overall there really weren't many so... keep writing and GOOD LUCK!

// Demoness