Young Writers Society

Be My Eyes Contest Entry.
I hope you like it!
-CookEmonster

The Moon.
The Moon is the coldness in winter,
The whispers of the leaves and grass quivering in the wind.
It's the cool feel of water against your thin skin.

The Moon.
The Moon is soft silk being rubbed between your fingers,
The windchimes jingling their foreign songs.
Its being able to defeat your fears all day long.

The Moon.
The Moon is the refreshing smells of morning,
The sleepyness of night.
Its a bird in mid-flight.

Though it may be a thing you cannot see, feel, or hear,
The moon is something that will always just be there.
It is simply,
The Moon.

Hey there! I think you did a really good job with this. The description was topnotch. I wrote a poem about the moon (random one night could see it from my window.) awhile back. I don't know if it will help you at all but if it does you can have it:

The Moon

There it twinkles, a single eye.
A diamond suspended in a starlit sky.

A shimmering ornament upon a wreath so fine,
A Shining cone on the branches of a pine.

A brilliant gem floating in a black stream,
A small disk of silver far bigger than it seems

A sturdy cufflink upon the jacket of space,
An aging man with soft grinning face.

A menacing tyrant, causing ocean disasters
A faithful servant that circles its master.

A curious object, mysterious in its ways
A silent time keeper, counting the days.

There it twinkles, a single eye,
A diamond suspended in a starlit sky.
_________________________________________
I don't really care for it so if you wanna take anything from it you don't even have to ask. But yours is excellent the way it is, just thought it might help.

Great job!

Veritas

Hi there, Monster!

So, I'm supposing this is pretty much just a description, hence posted in Other? It could be a poem too, you know! Apparently you could've described it more blandly, e.g. "the moon is a round light yellow thing in the sky etc. etc." but you chose to do a more poetic one, which I like!

The Moon is soft silk being rubbing between your fingers,

Here, "rubbing" should be "rubbed. I really like this image, by the way - probably my favourite one in this.

Overall, I think you did such a nice job with all the metaphors. All of them are so beautiful. I was slightly annoyed by the repetition of "The Moon" though, since it didn't bring in anything on its own, in my opinion. Also, I couldn't help wondering something: If I was someone who had never seen or heard about the Moon, I wouldn't understand what it is if I just had this text to read. I'd understand it was something beautiful, maybe important for the people, but I wouldn't have any idea what it actually was. So I think this works better as a poem about the moon for those who are familiar with the thing itself.

Good luck in the contest (if it hasn't ended already)!


Demeter
x

As far as poetry, this was incredible. You had some beautiful descriptions and imagery and diction. I love every line you used, every word used to mention the moon. However, I don't know how well this would work for someone who had never seen the moon. They would get a beautiful poem, but not much of an idea of how the moon actually looks. I mean, I've never thought of the moon as water or silk, and although those are some of my favorite lines, they don't really describe the moon. I think my overall favorite is how you say the moon is always there, even when you can't see hear or touch it. It's so true, and I love the way you worded it. Anyway, I would suggest keeping this how it is, but maybe starting over, and using some of this poem but more descriptions. Hope I was some help. Keep writing!