Young Writers Society

**** Before reading thing you must note that I was once in a very highly religous church. With many rules to follow. It was a sin to do the simplest things. Cut your hair, wear pants, wear jewlery...ect... I am NOT (thank GOD) apart of that church anymore. If you want more information on this religous belief it is Apostolic/pentocoastal. Hope you enjoy..***



I am tired of what I am suppose to be!
Tierd of what I am forced to do!
Can I not live the way I want to?
Did God not give free will to all mankind?
Is it really so bad!
To be like the others?
What do they do wrong to make it wrong for me?
How can they commit the sin, and I be blamed?
Why was I forced to be apart of this!
I had no say!
When will I gain say in my life?
Who put you over God to tell what is right and wrong?
Who apointed you, all holy?
What is so wrong in living!
How could you not accept your own when I change?

Hi, I thought that was a very powerful theme, and I liked it! But I don't think it generally works as a monologue as it is, and I'll tell you why.

It's a collection of lines that just sort of scream out at you. They don't work so well with each other and they can be quite vague and they don't really expand on the issues. Now, I think there are two ways you could go with rewriting this.

Way 1: Another monologue.
In this case, make it into more of a story and make it go somewhere, climax, begin, end, develop, etc.
Make it more personal and less abstract.

Way 2: A poem
This is the way I would personally go, because it allows you to keep abstracting and I do think that this is a piece that is very beautiful in its abstract form. However, if you were to turn it into a poem, you'd need to use a metaphot to characterise this, like 'ropes from the clouds' or something like that. And then you could work with imagery to make it more emotive, and again, develop, climax, etc.

Hope this helps

Ahh! Haha thank you!
Well I am a poetry gal.. I only usually write poems and thus why this is not the best! I wanted to try something new and.. well I think the idea of putting this as a poem would probably be much much much more fitting and better! Thanks a lot! (: (:

I can relate to your frustration; I too came from a pentecostal background, though mine was perhaps less strict. I think this has a lot of potential as a monologue or poem, whichever you want it to be. The problem is that it kind of straddles the fence. The format, at least, resembles that of a poem. However, if you wanted to make it a solid monologue, you could first of all change the format, and also develop the subject a little more. As it is, the piece is pretty angry and angsty, which of course befits the topic; but it has the potential to be so much more. My only other gripe is the copious amount of exclamation points. I have never favored many exclamation points in writing; they look a bit cheesy. Keep in mind the oft-repeated rule "Show, don't tell." You can show the reader your anger and frustration without resorting to ranting. Try to channel these emotions in new ways, make the reader truly understand and sympathize with you; and you will have a beautiful, powerful piece on your hands.

~Warrior Princess

I wanted to comment on this 'cos it's awesome, and 'cos you said nice things about my poem !
I loved the emotion in this; the use of exclamation marks kind of showed me how angry you felt.
And I like that. I can FEEL how you feel.
Keep writing poems, and other things like this xxx