Title self explanatory, this is written from the perspective of a politician during the American Civil War.
A Boatload of Sorrow
Most people wouldn’t think to bother about asking me. Course, I probably would not have asked me myself. But, I suppose the point to both sides would be that, this war, ain’t what we thought it was.
When I entered politics, I thought I could, well, to be honest, make a lot of money. But I never expected that I, Theodore, Bartholomew Hezekiah Owens, would get caught up in a scrabble over “states rights.” (sighs and shakes head) I should have listened to my momma. God bless her fat, rotten toothed soul. She always told my to do the right thing, “to your own self be true,” is what my momma always said. But you wanna know something? My momma is most likely keeling over in her grave, least now days, with the war and all. I suppose it just goes to show you that cold, hard, dollars ain’t what they crack themselves up to be. But whether they are or ain’t, I put my ticket on the political bandwagon anyways. (Should’ve stayed with the hair brush making business.) Don’t know why I joined up with these so-called “democrats,” but I spose’ it’s better than affiliating with all them freedom fanatics…aboli…aboll…ablishts...abolitionists. Humph, but these democrats, I gotta tell you something, they are a bunch off…stubborn headed mules if I ever saw em.’ They say one thing…then do another thing. Always moping around, talking about how, those republican’s ruining everything. Hang em’ all! Says I. But no one listens to me. The old “crazy baconer.” Well if I had half a mind to, I’d be fixen to give all them politics men a piece off my own choice words I would. Then we’ll see what they got to say about us southerners.
An’ speaking of which, who had the bright idea to start this war anyway? I heard them talking about the first shot being fired at Sumter, but I only have half a mind to believe what’s in the news these days. I mean, just look at this clipping from them folks (holds up news paper clipping and reads slowly) July 28, 1861. “Stonewall tramples over battle spectators”. Now, I may not be the shiniest cob in the corn, but how is a stonewall liable to get up, and run over a body? An’ another thing, who in their right sided tin can is gonna sit there, pretty as you please, and chow down in the middle of a war? THAT’S why I don’t believe the news. They may be making a boatload of money off this issue, but we democrats are making a boatload of sorrow. Specially’ cause Lincoln got elected. But you know, I like Mr. Lincoln. He’s a smart egg, and I reckon he’ll get us out of this fix right quickly he will. That is, if he doesn’t keep picking the low downest’ generals this side of the Mississippi!
As to where I stand on the matter? Well, I ain’t a democrat, that’s fer sure. Am I for slavery? No I ain’t. I just ain’t right to treat a person like they ain’t a person, if you catch my gist. But, I know I’m fer this war to be done and over with. Just take a look at my pocketbook, for instance. (pulls out pocket book) its thinner than Uncle Min’s dairy cow! And so, as to what I plan to do about this whole issue? I don’t rightly know, only that, I’m going to try and put an end to it all.
Like I said, this is a great piece with serious potential. Your characterization of the speaker is superb, as is your use of dialect. And it's just funny. You have a few small kinks to work out, but other than that, great job! 
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Reviews: 192