Hey you,
I was sitting alone at the kitchen table eating dinner. A ham sandwich. Kinda sad isn’t it? That’s about as good as my dinners have been coming lately. A ham sandwich. Well I was sitting alone at the kitchen table eating dinner and I started thinking about you. And I thought, “Well maybe she’d like to know what I’m thinking. Maybe I should writer her a letter.” And then I thought, “I’ll do that. Maybe she would like that.” You see, in between bites of ham sandwich I started thinking about us. I know what you’re thinking. There is no us. But humor me for a moment or two. Please? Well I was thinking about us, because thinking about us makes me smile. I don’t smile very much anymore. Especially in the kitchen when I’m eating ham sandwiches. The days are getting so short, it seems like dusk comes before dawn. And when I’m sitting alone in the dark kitchen, the only worthwhile thing to do with my time is think about days when I didn’t sit alone in dark kitchens. Sometimes I listen to the radio. It tells me interesting things every once in a while. Like just now it told me, “I don’t mind if you don’t mind, ‘cause I don’t shine if you don’t shine.” That’s interesting. Does that mean both of us have gone dark? Kind of like the days. Oh my, have I gotten off track. Let me go back. I was thinking about us because it makes me smile. I remembered the day when I went skinny dipping and someone stole all my clothes. You lent me the old running clothes you had in your car. Man I looked good in those sweaty short shorts and t-shirt. Smelled pretty great too. That seems so long ago. It was so long ago.
Sometimes I wonder whether it’s normal for old men like me to think about the past so much. But then I wonder whether or not I care if it’s normal. That’s all I do these days. Wonder and eat ham sandwiches. Getting old isn’t fun m’dear. How are you? I hope you’re doing well. At least better than I am. It’s so hard not knowing what things are like for you and not being able to hear your voice. Sometimes I get the phone and hold it and pretend I’m talking to you. Lisa says I’m going crazy. I hope not. My friend Gary got the dementia, and he drools on himself now. God help me. Ha, went off on a tangent again. I wish I could blame it on my crappy old brain, but you would see right through that. You know I’ve never been able to stay on a topic for long. But I was talking about us. The us that used to be. I miss you.
Well I was thinking and remembering and the thought crossed my head that maybe I should tell you what I did today. So you would know what a day in my life is like. I don’t know if you’re interested, but hopefully you are. You always used to like hearing about my day. Well I woke up at 8. Just like every morning. I laid in bed for an hour or so, just thinking. Did you know that there’s a bluebird who comes and sits on my windowsill every morning? He’s beautiful. I like to watch him sing. Well then I got up and made some oatmeal and sat in the dark kitchen eating it. The radio told me some interesting things. I thought about them for awhile. Those kids in the apartment above me kept making a racket. They’re always making a racket and disrupting my peace. I love them. Well then I started thinking about the day you left me and other such things. That was too much for me. I went and took a nap. I don’t cry anymore, I just nap. I love sleep. You don’t feel pain when you’re asleep. You don’t miss anyone either. Well I woke up from my nap and made myself a ham sandwich for dinner and that gets me to writing you this letter. My doctor says I need to eat more. He says it’s bad for my health to only have some oatmeal and a sandwich every day. I tell him I don’t care anymore and I don’t see any reason why I should. It makes me smile when he says that though. It reminds me of something you would say.
Do you remember when we went to the park and it was full of old people? You told me, “When we get old, we’re going to be the cutest, sweetest couple ever.” You didn’t really follow through on that very well. Don’t get me wrong m’dear, I do not blame you in the least. I just wish you would come back to me so that we could sit in the park and have young-and-in-love couples comment on how cute we are. I guess I should move on and realize that isn’t going to happen, but I won’t. I can hardly even remember your face anymore. Thinking about that makes me want to nap.
I’m not sure what else you would like to know. Oh! Lisa says that it’s not good for me to be all cooped up and alone in this dark apartment. She says it’s unhealthy and that it’s disturbing my mental health. I tell her I don’t care anymore and I don’t see any reason why I should. She wants to put me in a nursing home where I can be miserable with a bunch of other miserable old people. Supposedly misery loves company. She’s a silly girl. She thinks that my home and my age make me sad. And she thinks that there’s something wrong with being sad. I’m happy being sad. I think my sadness is beautiful. I guess I shouldn’t expect her to understand. Her generation blows all their money going to seminars, trying to learn how to be happy. Trying to learn how to prevent bad things from happening. Problem is, good and bad usually come packaged together. Happiness and pain are twin sisters. You taught me that. Lisa says I’m unhappy? Lisa doesn’t know what happiness means. My pain is happiness. Writing you a letter in a dark kitchen is happiness.
The radio is talking to me again. It says, “You and me, we live and die, the world keeps spinnin’ round, we don’t know why.” I like that. I’ve done a lot of living. Not so much dying. Don’t frown at me like that dear. Ha, don’t you love how well I know your emotions? There are worse things than dying. We both know that. Sometimes I think living is one of them. I’d like to try dying sometime. Without you around it seems a lot more appealing. Ha, now you’re really frowning aren’t you. I miss you and your worried frown. Don’t worry m’dear. I’ll live as long as my body feels like it. I guess that’s all that can be asked of anyone.
Oh wow, time to get back to my ham sandwich and my thinking. Well, my sandwich is long gone, but I still have my thinking. I was thinking about us and I decided that we are special and I miss you and I want to go back to our days of parks and skinnydipping and crossdressing. I wish you would come and visit me sometime. Apparently you’re tied up with other things. I guess I’ll just leave you this letter and hope you read it and decide to pay me a visit here in my lonely apartment. I stop by every day, I hope you know that. I leave flowers too. Once a week for six years. It has been six years since you left me. I still have trouble believing that sometimes. They’re the purple ones with the yellow insides. You told me you thought they were really pretty on our first date, I still remember that. I never bothered to find out what their actual name is though. That’s just the way I am I suppose. It makes me smile to see those purple flowers lying on your grave. I don’t smile very much anymore. I can’t wait to give you this letter with tomorrow’s bouquet. I hope it makes you happy when you read it. I think it’s time for me to go to sleep m’dear. I love you. Goodnight.
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