Young Writers Society

Deleted.

Hey there, I'm Hawk and I'm here to review!

Overall, I'd say this is a really interesting and good piece. There are a few things I'd like to point out:

Kwantack wrote:When you woke up, I watched, waiting for you to acknowledge the dream I gave you. And I know you remember it, down to its every detail, but you shove it off and continue to ignore my signs. But I don’t mind. This is what you have done every morning after I had given you a dream, so I shrug it off.

The tense changes in here are awkward. I understand that you're trying to refer to the past from a present tense perspective, but it still comes across in a very confusing manner. Perhaps you could reword it to something like this: "When you woke up this morning, I watched, waiting for you to acknowledge the dream I gave you. And I know you remember it, down to its every detail, but you shove it off and continue to ignore my signs. But I don't mind. This is what you have done every morning after I gave you a dream, so I shrug it off now."

And I can only hope that if you ever grow as sad, and depressed as I, that you’ll finally listen to me so that I can convince you not to take your life. So I ask of you, please listen to me now, before it’s too late.

Wow. This came out of nowhere. There was nothing that I read in the person's attitude or thoughts to indicate that they were either depressed or suicidal. It sounded like just another kid going to school, not doing what he/she's supposed to, and ignoring that nagging little voice. If they were thinking about taking their life, you need to indicate this earlier on in the piece. Otherwise it just totally comes across as an add-on; something that you dropped in at the very end as an afterthought.

Your conscious

That's "conscience." "Conscious" means to be aware of something; "conscience" is that little voice in your head.

So, that's all I have to say. Please PM me if you have any questions or whatnot. Keep up the good work!