Young Writers Society

“You’re not real.”

Metallic cells shudder; imaginary emotions surge through artificial matter. Intricate plastic, arranged in webs of confusion, leak paint or blood with silent efficiency. It is symmetrical and meticulously assembled.

“Not real.”

A saline downpour – the glass shivers. Pigmentation twists and transforms as the brick wall crumbles. It is a singular malfunction, triggered by anomalies and sustained by unforeseen events.

“Not real.”

Unique intonation.

“Not real.”

A voice.

“Not real.”

Stuck record.

-x-

Many thanks for reading.

I wrote this back in May, when I was struggling to write anything at all. There is a story behind this, but it stayed in my head, since my writing ground to a halt at 74 words (quite a few of which are the same repeated) and I didn't want to force anything. I probably would have conquered my block a little quicker if I had, but I hate writing rubbish.

I'm not really looking for crits on this, but comments are always welcome. Interpretation too, as I'm wondering if it's even possible to glean any sense from this piece.

I am surprised you wrote this when in a state of writers' block, because the imagery is spectacular. I though the story was about a robot. It feels like something that could be found in a Ray Bradbury novel, but it's excellent for you to be comparative to him, because he wrote the bestselling science fiction novel "Fahrenheit 451."

Now that was true prose. Whoever said big words weren't the only thing you needed? Well, they're not, but in your case, that was extriordinary! I agree with the last comment, it could be from a Ray Bradbury book (if it had some unforseen tragedy at the end). But my interpretation was maybe something from outer space. It sounds very abstract, and if you edited it, it could sound exactly like a supernova! That would be a definate feat. Something so huge and mind blowing (literally) put into words. Oh, and by the way, this is jojo48. You reviewed my City in the Sand piece. Thanks so much! It really made me feel good to have such an amazing writer say they liked it!

I know I've PMed both of you to thank you already, but I thought I may as well say so here too. I haven't read any of Ray Bradbury, but I think I may have to now! You've just made my day.

Wow, I loved this. Although it's short, the words you've used are amazing, very well thought out and carefully placed. It all fits together perfectly. The imagery used is amazing too, there's not much wrong with it.
To me, it feels like a prologue to something, some story about the robot (is it a robot?)
Sorry I'm late with this, just saw it and thought I'd write.
Nice one!
Aqua

This is really very intersting and compelling. I kind of maybe sort of have an idea of what the story is but it's probably horribly wrong. Whatever this is, it's really good! I like your vocabulary and I don't think it matters that you used a few words over again. You needed it for what your trying to portray. It makes it more captivating

~time8keeper

It stuck with me, but I don't understand what's going on. My perception was that were displaying someone in a hospital (you talked about saline) who so depressed because of whatever sickness they are dealing with they are trying to convince themselves that this isn't really happening to them. It would work as a very nice intorduction to a story!