“Stop,” a deep voice rumbled in the darkness. My heart jumped inside my ribcage and I came to a quick halt; that is a voice that I will never forget. I could feel my lip quivering as the memories flooded my vision and emotions of an agony filled past gripped my mind. There was nothing more volatile, more consuming than love. The scene before me blurred as tears rolled silently down my cheeks, hitting the earth beneath my feet.
“Do you feel it?” his voice echoed across the grass, hitting my soul like a sledgehammer, “Death? The only thing that could tear Him away from you?” More tears streamed down my cheeks as I sank to the ground, sobbing. I remembered everything with a jolt that tore away at my being. It was His hands that had wiped away my tears, His arms that had held my broken body when my life was slowly leaking into the earth. That voice, the very one that was slicing open my soul, was the one that had pinned Him to the tree.
“Do you remember how I got Him to fall into my trap? How I got Him to follow me to His inevitable death? He would have given up anything for you, even His life” his voice dropped to a hoarse whisper. “All it took… was you.” My heart beat violently in my chest, begging, pleading, to please just end it all.
“Please…” a thin voice escaped my throat, “Why?” I managed through broken sobs. Suddenly his voice was angry, crazed even, “Why, what? Did you really think that I would just let Him go; that I would let the Son of man walk away unscathed? After all that he’s done to me?”
My hands were shaking as they uprooted the dead grass from underneath them.
“He died for nothing, you know. He gave up everything, and you can’t even bring yourself to thank Him, to love Him half as much as He loved you.” The seductive voice whispered into my ears, slowly eating away at what was left of me.
He was right, I didn’t deserve the love that had driven Him to die for me, to exchange His life for mine. An agony unlike any other ripped my soul to shreds as the monster inside and around me laughed. As I had watched Him suffer, as I had seen with my own eyes the blood that had poured down His body and stained the stones underneath Him, I had known, I had known that He was dying for a monster. For I am nothing, I am but an useless wretch, a blind, selfish monster that would never be able to repay my debt to Him, never be able to thank Him enough.
Suddenly a blinding light flashed over the rocks and grass, the trees and clouds. The screams of the devil wracked my ears as the light consumed everything. My tears turned to small, glistening diamonds that fell in a small heap in the dust as the light transformed everything, including me.
“I AM.” A powerful voice boomed from all around me. Gently, a hand touched my shoulder and I felt peace wash over me like cool water over a burn. My sins are what had sent the whip crossing His back, my sins are the nails in His hands, my sin is the sword in His side, and yet He loves me, He would always take me back. I stood up and looked Jesus in the eyes as a smile spread across His lips and He took me by the hand, leading me away to His everlasting Kingdom.
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