Young Writers Society

Dear Mother,

I realize your are that, but there are times I wish you were less. In crowding me and my sisters you in turn crowd yourself, resulting in a short temper on all's part.

When one of the others makes a simple mistake, you assume they were deliberate in their actions. In punishing them for something they meant not to do, you punish all in turn, taking your frustration out on everyone. I wish you wouldn't. It's not our fault, so why do you do it? Since when does one child with a smart mouth make all the rest 'brats' as well? I hate it when you insult us so terribly without good reason. I know you know we had nothing to do it, so why do you not even attempt to reign in your anger towards those not involved in the incident?

Whenever I forget something, every time, without fail, you point out that you are not responsible for remembering everything for me. You say it like I asked you to. Why can't you let me deal with my own problems without pointing out the obvious fact that it wasn't your fault? Seeing as I already know that, the chances of your saying so is not likely to increase my chances of remembering next time.

I won't beat around the bush; sometimes I am embarrassed for you. It's a shocker, but it's true: you, as an adult, have a greater tendency towards strong language and perversity than I, a teenager. When you let loose your road rage with the rest of the family in the car, I flinch at what my youngest sisters are hearing from your mouth. They look up to you over anyone else, Mother, do you see what you are teaching them?

As the oldest child, I am burdened with the responsibility of caring for and protecting my sisters when you are not around, and sometimes when you are. You make that an overwhelming and sometimes difficult task. When you slap them for crying, can you not see that you are doing more harm than good? They are expecting you to tell them you love them, and to embrace them, but when you don't you are warping their image of what a mother should be.

I understand the anger you feel, but there are many times that I wish I didn't. I wish you would hide it, smother it.

It is terrible, but true, that there are times when I am frightened of you. Yes, I do fear you in the sense of respect, but I also fear you often in the sense of "I want to run and hide." You are a mother. Do you think that is an emotion that should be evoked in your own posterity?

For one thing of this, though, I am grateful. I still learn from you, and rest assured that I will raise my children as the mother you never were. I have learned to be strong, and I have learned to think twice before I act only because you didn't.

Still, don't think me entirely ungrateful. I fully realize what you do for me and my siblings. I really do love you; I only wish I could express that, and everything else, so openly to you without fear.

-Your Oldest Daughter

I'm sort of a fan of when writers decide to be brave enough to take a more personal approach to their writing. Often times it cleanses out their thoughts and their feelings, and the words that come out ring very true to the heart. For this reason, I liked this. I think you did a nice job, but there could be some room for improvement surely. I know that since this is more of a personal letter type deal, different rules sort of apply. At least, that's how I normally see it. I like to think that improvement can be bettered in the sense of articulation.

Now, I know first hand that it can be extremely difficult at times to word yourself correctly and get out everything you wish to say in one coherent flowing thought, but often times just the opposite tends to happen. Our sentences become a little less powerful because we really do have so much to say and we want it to be impactful. Your opening lines for example, it didn't quite read as strongly as I hoped it could have. There was also a small error I think which I'll point out in red for you.

I realize you are that, but there are times I wish you were less. In crowding me and my sisters you in turn crowd yourself, resulting in a short temper on all's part.

The first sentence was nice, but I think it maybe could have packed a greater punch with it. It seemed to end too abruptly as a statement. It's not the main thing that I saw to be off with the opening though. More so in the second sentence where you explain the effects of crowding you and your sisters she crowds herself. After reading through the rest of the letter, I didn't quite get where crowding was the biggest issue. What I took from it was more so of some repressed angry type of abuse that ends in hurt feelings and such. Not so much crowding, but I could be wrong. I just think you could have made your opening lines a bit more coherent with the remainder of the letter.

There were a few little nitpiks I caught that I could point out if I went back through and fine-tooth-combed them all out in quotes, but I know that can be a tad bit annoying when people do that. So I will refrain! But more so because I think that if you went back through this yourself very carefully and meticulously you'd be able to pick out all the things I'm meaning. So I encourage you to go back to not only clean up some of the grammar things, but also tweak the way you decided to lay out your thoughts and word your sentences. Feel free to inject as much feeling as you like into this since it's personal. Letters don't have to be short.

Anyway, nice job here so far. I hope my review is in some way helpful to you. That's kind of my only real concern when it comes to doing reviews -that the writer can actually benefit from what I critique or suggest(if anything). So I hoped this was helpful in some way! ^-^

-Smylin'

I have to agree with Smylin for the most part, although I have to say I really liked the first sentence! It was full of impact, but I think it could be made more effective by separating it from the rest of your work.
I like that you've aimed this directly at someone, it gives it more of a personal feel and somehow makes it easier to read... Or maybe that's just me!
Like Smylin, I'm not going to go through and nitpick because many of the tiny errors I could find would either be easy to spot if you read it through once or twice or are only due to my personal preference.
In terms of improvement, I think you need to make sure that you link your last sentence back to the rest of what you have written. For the most part, you have done so but I don't see where over-crowding came back into the letter after that single sentence about it at the beginning.
Keep typing!