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Young Writers Society


Why Do You Love Me?



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180 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 8691
Reviews: 180
Thu Dec 16, 2010 4:10 am
Warrior Princess says...



So I could make this a diary entry. Of course it would be easier to do that if I was writing this in my already cluttered notebook, and actually had room to draw little hearts and roses around your name and mine. I could go on and on about how amazing you are, how gorgeous you are, how much I love you. The problem is, I'm only completely sure of the second one.

You asked me last night why I like you. What kind of question is that? Why do you like me?

Is it because I'm hot? Sure, all the guys think that, but I'm sure you've seen hotter. After all, you're popular, sexy, the freaking lead singer in a band. You could take your pick of the girls.

Is it because I'm innocent? I guess it would be a relief, after all the time you've wasted with whores and gold-diggers, to stumble across a virginal little preacher's daughter like myself. But you must know that you'll only get so much out of a good girl like me.

Is it because I play hard to get? It's not like I'm trying to. If I could just have you and be done with it, I would. But it's a two-way game, you know. I mess with your mind, you mess with mine; I dance in and out of reach, you do the same.

After all, that is what you live for, isn't it? The thrill of the chase? You've said it yourself. With the never-ending cycle of sex, drugs, and rock and roll that is your life, you're just looking for something different, something that carries the elusive glimmer of purity, of a higher existence. And you're willing to risk everything just to find that thing, to breathe in the intoxicating fragrance of clean, unadulterated life.

I know what you see me as. The damsel in distress, sheltered and locked away by her parents and longing to have some fun. The artsy, slightly weird girl with a genius IQ but little knowledge of sexual innuendos or how to smoke weed. The one who has a surprisingly stinging sense of humor and can easily match you in verbal sparring. Your rival. Your protegee. Your princess. And maybe, just maybe, your savior.

So as you can see, I think I have it pretty much figured out why you like me. At least, unless there's an unidentified X factor that I'm somehow missing. The question that remains is, why do I like you?

Like is a terrible word for how I feel toward you. It's so much deeper than that, so much stronger. I would not go so far as to say love, but it can't be denied that I have some kind of passion for you. I find myself just wanting to be near you, to see your face, hear your voice. To touch you.

Now see what you've done. Good little preacher's daughters don't think things like that. When their daddies tell them not to hang around with a certain wrong crowd, or--God forbid--a certain bad boy, they listen. They obey. But there's just something about you that arouses the rebel in me, makes me feel bold and adventurous and . . . alive.

I like that you can match wits with me. I like that you spill your secrets to me. I like that you know what makes me happy, sad, angry, nervous, confused, afraid. . . . But even so, you can't always figure me out. And you're somewhat of a mystery to me as well. So we dance ever tighter circles around each other, watching, waiting. Wanting. But never winning. Two tantalizing prizes just out of each other's reach. As if we are simultaneously leaning forward, our lips almost touching--but one of us always pulls away at the last moment.

But I do know one thing. If there ever comes a time when one of us doesn't pull away, that is going to be one hell of a kiss.
You must be swift as the coursing river,
With all the force of a great typhoon,
With all the strength of a raging fire,
Mysterious as the dark side of the moon.
  





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152 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2634
Reviews: 152
Thu Dec 16, 2010 4:48 pm
Mikko says...



I love this! It sound like it's coming from experience (am I wrong?). Anyway what I love most about it is the reality in it--how much truth there is in it because it reflects the true reality of things. And I also like the end because it actually made me smile.
Keep writing! :)
when she needs to shelter from reality she takes a dip in my daydreams
  





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203 Reviews



Gender: None specified
Points: 8198
Reviews: 203
Sun Dec 19, 2010 10:34 am
ofir says...



I don't even have anything to critique! You did very, very well. The emotions were clear, the paragraphs were split perfectly, and I have to tell you, you just did a great job hooking me in and keeping me reading. I now wish there was more. Your character's voice was very defined, in a good way.
I love the begining and the end and the middle :) I love this! If you continue with this, or if you just need a review, please PM me.
Ofir
"if you were waiting for the opportune moment... that was it." - Captain Jack Sparrow
  





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367 Reviews



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Points: 37290
Reviews: 367
Mon Dec 20, 2010 6:39 pm
Mizzle says...



Hello there, Warrior Princess! I do hope you are having some good holiday festivities.

When I saw the title of this story, I was expecting a cheesy, teenage crush type deal, which goes to show that I should not judge stories by their titles, or try to guess what they are about. I was pleasantly surprised when reading this that you did a wonderful job grammar and spelling wise, and the writing itself was just beautiful. There were very few punctuation errors (the ones I noticed I will point out later on).

I truly enjoyed reading about this girl and her relationships, and like Mikko said, it does sound a bit like it is coming from experience. Even if it is not coming from experience and has nothing to do with yourself, this story still does have a beautiful voice to it and what seems to be a certain truth. The situation is so believable, though the preacher's daughter was a bit overdone, for my liking. Of course, this is just my opinion. I feel that the "virginal preacher's daughter" is too goody-goody, and perhaps too stereotypical. Personally, I believe every preacher's daughter is not going to be some Virgin Mary-like little-girl that likes bubblegum and rainbow ponies, can recite bible verses, and such. But again, you are the writer, and it is up to you.

Now, there were a few points when reading where I noticed that you had forgotten a comma or other punctuation mark. Let me go ahead and point them out for you (please note that add-ins will be in red):

Warrior Princess wrote:So, I could make this a diary entry.

Just a tiny little comma that was forgotten, or just not put there on purpose. Whatever it was, I think this makes the sentence more 'structured,' so to speak.

Warrior Princess wrote:Of course, it would be easier to do that if I was writing this in my already cluttered notebook, and actually had room to draw little hearts and roses around your name and mine.

Another forgotten comma. Tsk, tsk.

Aside from that, I think your writing contradicts your main character, the "virginal preacher's daughter." A preacher's daughter, especially one who seems so 'innocent,' if you may, would not be using language like she supposedly uses when writing this 'diary entry.' Think about it. You are saying she is virginal, a preacher's daughter, innocent, and then you have her rattling off words like 'whores,' 'gold-diggers,' even 'freaking.' For some reason, I just cannot picture a virginal preacher's daughter saying those things. If she is going to be innocent, make her innocent - she would not be saying 'whores' or anything of the like. Those just aren't words that a preacher's daughter like the one you have described would be using.

Overall, however, I did find this story a true pleasure to read. It presented an interesting look into a teenage romance, or what is starting to become a romance, actually. Though there were a few issues (forgotten commas, characters that contradict their own personality, and stereotypical preacher's daughters) this story certainly was one of the best I have read in quite awhile. I enjoyed it. If you have any questions, comments, or need any further help, don't hesitate to message me.

Have a good day! :)
Mizzle
"Chase your dreams, and remember me, speak bravery,
Because after all, those wings will take you up so high."
-- Owl City, "To the Sky"
✯ ✯ ✯
  





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Gender: Male
Points: 795
Reviews: 45
Tue Dec 21, 2010 12:40 pm
AdamBH says...



Love it! I love how it shows how opposites can attract. I think so many people don't get that. Wonderful job!
  








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