Young Writers Society

I had an assignment to write a play that is five pages, consists of only one scene and only three characters. When read out it should be about 3-7 minutes, so reading this will be quick.

This is the first piece of theatrical writing I've ever attempted so ANY input would be greatly appreciated.



IT’S LATE INTO THE NIGHT, AROUND MIDNIGHT. THE ONLY SOURCE OF LIGHT COMES FROM THE MOON AND STREETLAMPS POURING IN THROUGH THE WINDOW BLINDS, AND ALSO FROM A SMALL DESK LAMP. A YOUNG MAN, COLLIN, SITS AT HIS DESK, TYPING AWAY AT HIS LAPTOP. THERE IS A YOUNG WOMAN, SARAH, IN BED BEHIND HIM, OCCASIONALLY TOSSING AND TURNING. THE ROOM IS VERY MINIMALIST, WITH ONLY A DESK, BED AND NIGHTSTAND. THERE ARE PIECES OF CLOTHES SCATTERED AROUND, STACKS OF BOOKS ON THE FLOOR.
AT RISE: THE LIGHTS BRIGHTEN A BIT AS SARAH JUMPS UP, NOW SITTING IN BED.

SARAH
Collin! It’s 12:30... Just get in bed, now.
(Collin continues to type and doesn’t move)
Collin, give it a rest. You have plenty of time to write that.

COLLIN
Few more minutes, I’ll be done.
(Sarah takes a deep sigh, knowing that a few minutes would turn into a few hours. She rolls back into bed and places a pillow over her head. Collin continues to type, when all of a sudden he stops.)

COLLIN
This isn’t gonna work...
(From a dark corner of the room, we see another man emerge.
He moves swiftly and walks right behind Collin.)

CONNOR
Keep going. It’ll work itself out.

COLLIN
Don’t tell me that again, you always say the same things...

CONNOR
Because it’s true. Keep writing the story..it’ll eventually have to develop.
COLLIN
This idea is going nowhere. Writers block--

CONNOR
Which is really just a fancy term so you can justify being lazy, getting drunk—

COLLIN
Shut up! Shut the fuck up! You’re not the one who has to sit here, and realize you’re worth nothing, your ideas are nothing. Every single effort you’ve put into your career, to life has been...a sham! Worthless! You don’t have to go through that, you just live in my mind.

CONNOR
You certainly don’t have to either...but I’m sure the next bottle will enjoy hearing about your horrible, horrible life again...
(Connor nudges over to the collection of empty bottle underneath the bed. Collin suddenly gets up, loudly pushing his chair back and holds Connor at his throat.)

COLLIN
Don’t you dare talk—
(Lights suddenly brighten against Sarah, and Connor is gone. Collin doesn’t realize this and is still holding up “Collin” by the throat. Sarah pulls the pillow over her head, rather quickly and sits up, with a look of pure annoyance.)
SARAH
Collin. What the hell are you doing?
(Collin puts his hands down and stays silent for a moment, not looking at Sarah.)

CONNOR
Nothing, nothing...I was just..stretching.
(Sarah stares blankly at him)

SARAH
Stretching... You’re so fucking weird. You coming to bed or not? I have to get up early tomorrow.

CONNOR
It doesn’t matter, just go to sleep.

SARAH
Doesn’t matter...? How the hell am I going to sleep when you’re having imaginary fights with yourself?
(Short pause)
I need sleep. I haven’t been able to sleep for weeks because of you. I have an actual job you know...I’m the one paying the bills! And you know we’ve been behind...if you’re not going to help, then at least do this at a decent hour. You can sit around, tossing silly ideas in the morning.
(Collin continues to stand there, looking at his feet for a while, and then looks up. Sarah’s face shows a bit of hope, but then crumbles when he turns around, and plops back into his chair. She gives a small frustrated scream and pulls a pillow over her head. Connor goes back into motion.)

CONNOR
Well...that sounded pretty bad. Do you think she’s right?
COLLIN
Leave me alone.

CONNOR
You do think she’s right.
(Pause)
What did you expect? For her to cheer you on as the night progresses? The glamour of the struggling artist died for her a long, long time ago. You know that.

COLLIN
I know it did. But some god damn moral support every once in awhile would be nice.

CONNOR
Eh, a person with questionable morals is never good at giving moral support anyway.

COLLIN
You’re not very good at it either...

CONNOR
Of course I am. I’ve stuck with you always, and in the end aid in pulling out your best creations.

COLLIN
Why don’t you help me now?

CONNOR
With the story? With Sarah?

COLLIN
Both...no, everything. I’m stuck in this dump, wasting time.

CONNOR
You don’t waste time, only yourself.
(Collin sits for a few moments, and then stands, sure of himself. He takes his laptop, and shoves it into a bag, along with handfuls of clothing that was piled on the floor. In the process of doing so, his arms clink the alcohol bottles under the bed, and Sarah sits up.)

SARAH
Collin...what are you doing?

COLLIN
Leaving.

SARAH
When are you coming back?

COLLIN
Don’t bother asking when you already know the answer.
(Collin steps out of the bedroom, leaving a numb Sarah alone, as the lights fade to black.)

I myself just recently wrote a play for a school function and it went horribly wrong.

I appreciate your attempt. Its a nice script, nice story.

Have nothing much to say, just one thing confused me.

Don’t you dare talk—

(Lights suddenly brighten against Sarah, and Connor is gone. Collin doesn’t realize this and is still holding up “Collin” by the throat. Sarah pulls the pillow over her head, rather quickly and sits up, with a look of pure annoyance.)

SARAH

Collin. What the hell are you doing?

(Collin puts his hands down and stays silent for a moment, not looking at Sarah.)

CONNOR

Nothing, nothing...I was just..stretching.

(Sarah stares blankly at him)

SARAH

Stretching... You’re so fucking weird. You coming to bed or not? I have to get up early tomorrow.

CONNOR

It doesn’t matter, just go to sleep.

SARAH

Doesn’t matter...? How the hell am I going to sleep when you’re having imaginary fights with yourself?

Isn't Collin the real guy ? So shouldn't he be the one talking to Sarah ?

Keep up the good work. Ciao

Oh you're right! That was just a typo, but thanks for catching that

Hi, Emily!

Considering it's your first time writing a script, I think this went rather well. The characters really came through, and with scripts, it depends a lot on the dialogue to make it obvious who each character is. Very nice!

I don't have many concerns, seeing as the pace usually depends on the actors/director. I did think that Collin got annoyed much more quickly than I gave him credit for, so perhaps make it a bit clearer earlier on that Collin is sleep-deprived or looks cranky somehow.

I'm not sure what the significance of hiding bottles under the bed is. I imagined they would just be scattered around his desk, overflowing the trash can, etc. But if Sarah knows they're under there, then what's the point? Is he collecting them? o:

Collin's and Sarah's relationship was well done. I think him up and leaving seemed very abrupt, but that'll probably be dependent on the actors again. The way Sarah went off on her monologue felt abrupt, so that's the downside to reading scripts. However, that'll probably turn out fine, depending on who's directing.

It was well done, though! A great start in the script-writing world! I hope to see more of your work. They're really fun to write, don't you agree?

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

I like this but you went from using Collin the using Conner and that didn't make much sense.
Great job other than that.

Hey, great work in this one! This is Al for your revue.

Characters & Settings:
You only have three characters in your play. This is fine with me because it is only for five-minutes. The dialogue is finely made and rendered no flaw. Keep up the good work!

Content & Theme:
Love triangles are common ideals and topics in stories and scripts, and in each of them should be something unique among the others. The thing that I found intriguing in this script is the decision-making. Many young people can relate to this topic these days, and this piece, having the same theme, can help a lot. I also like your concept for Sarah

Technicalities:
One of the best things I can comment about your script is the very few number of flaws. In fact, there are none! If there are, then any reader cannot get it. I also like how you perfected the tone of each character. I never lost myself in the script, which is a big thing since most scripts are quite, some, much, confusing. Good work!

Overall:
Superb work! I rarely read scripts like this. It's a great read and all but I think it'll be perfect for the stage!

Keep writing an kudos to you!
Al, Quick Critic