Young Writers Society

Rated 16+ for language and slight sexual themes (PG-13?)

-------

INT. RAYNER’S ROOM - EARLY MORNING

BEEP! BEEP!

RAYNER’s eyes open. He hits his Pikachu alarm clock to
silence it and gets out of bed.

Rayner’s room is like a shrine to everything Nintendo.
Character plushies, old systems, and tons of other Nintendo
things decorate every wall and surface.

He opens his cabinet drawers covered in Pokemon stickers,
picks out a Mario graphic tee and some pants.

As he does his daily routine, it should be apparent that the
audience is watching a video game fanatic. Rayner opens a
dining room cabinet to reveal a mountain of old Nintendo
Cereal System boxes. He picks out an open one, and pours it
and milk into a cracked Mario bowl.

As he walks to the kitchen table, he passes a calendar that
reads today as "BIG ENGLISH EXAM! Good luck Rayner!" Rayner
sits down at the table and starts eating his breakfast
alone.

The camera pans up to show the title logo, "Level Up!"


INT. MANAUS HIGH SCHOOL - EARLY MORNING

Rayner opens the door and steps into his high school. The
halls are filled with chatter as all the students walk with
their friends.

Rayner walks alone to his class, his only human interaction
being someone pushing him out of the way. He gets to the
classroom and opens the door.


INT. MANAUS HIGH SCHOOL - ENGLISH CLASSROOM

The English classroom is set up for an exam, with desks in
single file lines. Rayner takes his backpack off and sets it
in front of him. As he rummages through it, a voice comes
behind him:

SCHOOL BULLY (O.C.)
Hello Rayner.

Rayner turns around to see SCHOOL BULLY, a... school bully.
He has long black hair and an equally long t-shirt on that
meets his baggy pants somewhere near his knees. Rayner gulps
nervously.

SCHOOL BULLY
So, think you’ll do good on the
English test?

RAYNER
Hh... It’s actually an exa- Um. I
mean... well, you know me...

SCHOOL BULLY
Yes, I do. You’re a nerd, smart.
That’s why I have a small favor to
ask you.

School Bully pulls himself right next to Rayner’s face, and
looks at him threateningly in the eyes.

SCHOOL BULLY (cont’d)
Lemme copy your answers during the
test.

RAYNER
Oh.

Rayner tries to walk away to his desk, but School Bully is
blocking him.

RAYNER (cont’d)
Well you see, I’d love to let you
copy my answers to a writing-only
test. But, um, there’s this funny
thing... We’d get caught. And both
get a zero.

SCHOOL BULLY
So you’ll give me the answers very
quietly. It’s Win-Win. I get to
pass this grade, and you get to
keep your ugly face from getting
another dent in it. So, is it a
deal?

RAYNER
You know, it’s tempting. But uh...
how about another time, preferably
never.

SCHOOL BULLY
Wrong ANSWER!

School Bully pushes Rayner violently towards the desks.
Rayner smashes into one, and starts to loose his balance and
fall. Desperately, he reaches out to try and catch himself
with anything and ends up grabbing...

A girl’s boob. Specifically, a cheerleader, ALICE’s boob.

ALICE
AHHHHH!!!!

As soon as Rayner realizes what just happened he lets go and
crashes to the ground. ALAN, Alice’s boyfriend, comes
running towards her at the sound of her screaming. She tells
him something, and then he looks down at Rayner. They argue
for a moment.

By now, the whole class is silent, with everyone watching
the drama. All eyes are on Rayner.

RAYNER
Um... I didn’t mean to do that?

Alan places his hand on Alice and tries to calm her down.

ALAN
See, it was an accident. Didn’t you
see that guy push him into the
desk?!

ALICE
What?! You’re siding with that
loser, geek, pervert? He tried to
rape me. This is sexual harassment.
DO something!

Alan looks at Alice, then Rayner, then back at Alice,
helpless. It seems like he’s about to speak when MS.
GILMORE, the English teacher comes in.

Ms. Gilmore has frizzled hair and looks over-stressed
already. She surveys the scene for a moment.

MS. GILMORE
What is going on here?

Alice runs over and talks to Ms. Gilmore for a moment.

MS. GILMORE (cont’d)
What? Oh... oh...

Ms. Gilmore walks up.

MS. GILMORE (cont’d)
So, um it looks like we have an
issue here. Let’s, let’s work this
out. Alice, you say you were...
um... harassed by Rayner.

ALICE
SEXUAL harassment. He needs to get
help on his issues.

MS. GILMORE
Really Alice? Maybe we should try
talking this ou-

ALICE
NO!! HE’S A SEX-STARVED FREAK AND
HE NEEDS TO GET AWAY FROM ME!!

Ms. Gilmore looks at Alice, her expression a
horrified smile.

MS. GILMORE
Well, okay. Since you feel so
strongly about it... Rayner, please
go to the counselor’s office. You
can, um, make up your exam some
other time.

Rayner takes a moment to process this, almost says
something, but then just walks with his head down
towards the door.

ALICE
(to her friends)
God, what a nut-case.

Laughter can be heard from the classroom.

INT. MANAUS HIGH SCHOOL

Rayner walks down the quiet hallway, one hand rubbing his
behind, the other clenched in a tight fist. He gets close to
the counselor’s office, but then stops. He looks around,
anxious. A hint of a smile appears on his face.

RAYNER
(whispering to himself)
...No.

He turns around, and walks back the way he came, not towards
the stairs up to the English class, but to the exit. He
takes one last look, and then opens the door to the outside.

RAYNER (cont’d)
Ba bye school!


EXT. OUTSIDE OF GAMESTOP

Rayner pedals his bike in front of a unopened GameStop and
locks his bike. He stands outside, all alone, waiting for
the store to open. Then, a LITTLE KID and the KID’S DAD
comes up and stand next to him in line.

LITTLE KID
Hi!

Rayner tries to ignore him, but Little Kid seems incessant.

RAYNER
Oh... Hello.

LITTLE KID
Guess what?

Rayner shrugs at the kid.

LITTLE KID (cont’d)
I’m getting Pokemon SoulSilver
before anyone! That’s why I woke up
my Dad so early. Cool, huh?

RAYNER
Actually, I’m getting it first.
Sorry!

LITTLE KID
But...I wanted to get it first!!
And... and... and you’re too old to
play Pokemon anyway!

RAYNER
What?!

Rayner tries to contain himself, but can’t.

RAYNER (cont’d)
No, you’re too young to be able to
play Pokemon. Pokemon is a work of
genius, not something a... two year
old could possibly understand. It’s
like, the MONA LISA of video games!
Do you even know what the catch
rate is for Generation II?

The Little Kid is too stunned to speak.

RAYNER (cont’d)
No? Well it’s a equals parenthesis
3 times HP max minus two times HP
current end parenthesis times-

Rayner’s passionate delivery of the formula is interrupted
by the Kid’s Dad, who looks at Rayner angrily.

KID’S DAD
Why you trying to freak out my kid
with that nerd stuff?

Rayner dodges his look and sees that the GameStop sign has
been changed from ’Closed’ to ’Open’.

RAYNER
Hey, look at that. It’s open!
(turns around to Little Kid
and Kid’s Dad)
We’ll continue this discussion
later.

Rayner hurriedly opens the door and runs inside before
either can say anything.


INT. GAME STOP

Rayner walks up the CASHIER, who looks 110% not interested
in his job.
CASHIER
(110% not interested)
Welcome to GameStop, where we do
crap with used games. How may I
help you?

By this point Rayner is nervously moving back and forth.

RAYNER
I’d like to pick up my pre-ordered
copy of Pokemon SoulSilver please.

CASHIER
Fine.

Cashier gets the game and puts in on the desk. Rayner waits
expectantly but silently, not satisfied with just the game.

CASHIER (cont’d)
Do you need anything else, sir?

RAYNER
Yes, I do.

Rayner pulls out a printed ad and shows it to Cashier. He
waits a moment, not looking at Cashier, waiting for him to
respond. He doesn’t.

RAYNER (cont’d)
Um... This ad on your website
specifically states, AHEM.

"Pre-Order Pokemon HeartGold or
SoulSilver and get an exclusive
figurine when you pick up your
copy."

You have failed to give me my
pre-order bonus, which your company
has specifically stated I would
receive!

CASHIER
Oh here you go.

Cashier reaches under the counter and pulls out a plastic
figurine of HoHo. Rayner looks at it for a minute, then face
palms.

CASHIER (cont’d)
What now?!

Rayner points to the ad again, showing that he should get a
Lugia figurine.

RAYNER
Your ad specifically sta-

CASHIER
Fine, here!

Cashier throws a Lugia figurine at him, like a monk throwing
salt at a demon.

CASHIER (cont’d)
Need anything else?

RAYNER
No, that’s fine. Isn’t Pokemon
wicked? I’ve waited so long for
this game, it’s unreal.

CASHIER
Do you want something from me?

RAYNER
Um, no. Sorry about earlier, I’m
just totally nervous about this
whole thing. I mean...
(whispering)
I skipped an exam to pick this game
up.

CASHIER
Huh. I did that too. Not for
Pokemon though, it was kinda for...
weed.

RAYNER
Oh... well that’s nice. Look at the
time, I’ve got to go. Pokemon won’t
play itself.

Rayner hands the cashier the money, and walks quickly away.
Partly because he is excited to play the game, partly
because Cashier scares him now.


EXT. OUTSIDE

Rayner walks out of the store and onto his bike. He rides
away.

Little Kid is still outside the store, still too stunned to
do anything.

Rayner stops in front of an intersection and sits down. He
pulls out the game and looks at it, conflicted about what to
do.

RAYNER
Okay Rayner, you’re going to open
the game now. You’ve waited long
enough.

Rayner tries to open the game, but can’t bring himself to do
it.

RAYNER
No, I can’t, it’s, it’s all too
sudden. Playing it out here, just
would be slanderous. I’ll wait
until I get home...

A CRAZY HOBO walks by Rayner.

CRAZY HOBO
Hey! Stop talking to yourself,
it’ll make you go insane.

RAYNER
Oh, I’m sorry.

CRAZY HOBO
Huh?

Crazy Hobo turns around to Rayner.

CRAZY HOBO (cont’d)
Who the hell are you talking too?

We now see that Crazy Hobo was actually talking to a Obama
plushie. It’s been sloppily colored a strange green.

CRAZY HOBO (cont’d)
Mr. Obama, don’t say that! I’m
worried about you. We used to be
such good friends.
(pointing to Rayner)
Hey, wanna talk with us?

Rayner pedals away from the Crazy Hobo madly, needing to
leave this crazy place as soon as possible.


INT. RAYNER’S HOUSE - RAYNER’S BEDROOM - MORNING

Rayner walks in the door and sneaks quietly to his room.

He plops down on his bed, and gets ready to play Pokemon
SoulSilver. He unwraps the box. Takes out the Pokewalker.
The DS case.

He slowly unwraps the gamebox, very carefully. He opens the
game box. A shiny cartridge is there. As he takes out the
cartridge, an angelic AHHHH can be softly heard. He puts the
game into his DS. Tension is building. He flicks the power
switch on. He’s about to tap the button to play it when-

DAD
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!

RAYNER
AHHH!

Rayner gets up with a start and faces his DAD, who has come
into Rayner’s room looking bright red. The look of shame and
sheer terror on Rayner’s face is akin to someone getting
caught having sex with a rodent.

RAYNER (cont’d)
N-n-noth-thing...

DAD
Damn right your doing nothing! Why
the hell aren’t you at
school right now? Your mother said
you had a... exam to do, or
something.

Rayner’s MOM comes running into the room and gasps when she
sees Rayner at home.

MOM
Rayner...

DAD
I can’t believe this shit! You
skipped out on your...um...

MOM
(barely able to speak)
Honors English 11 B Mid-Exam

DAD
English 11 Honors Mid B-Exam to
play Pokemans!

RAYNER
(soft whisper of defiance)
It’s called Pokemon...

DAD
My SHIT it’s called Pokemon!

MOM
William, don’t curse.

DAD
Rayner, what the fuck is wrong with
you?! Why are you doing this to
your Mother? You should be able to
get straight A’s but instead you
waste your life with video games!
You’re a nerd, at least act like
one!

MOM
William!!

DAD
So, what do you have to say for
yourself Rayner? Well?!

Rayner has now backed himself into the corner of his bed
away from his Dad.

RAYNER
I... wanted to...get it early...

DAD
Get it early? Let’s see how you
enjoy it early NOW!

Dad takes the DS from Rayner’s bed and in a fury throws it on
the ground. The screen breaks in half and slides near
Rayner, who is in complete and utter disbelief. Mom gasps in
horror.

Everyone stands there in complete silence for a few moments.

MOM
Well. I think your father made it
clear what we... want from you. Do
you understand?

Rayner is too preoccupied staring at his broken DS to say
anything.

DAD
What, so that’s it? We just tell
him "Do you understand?" like a
bunch of pansies?! No, there has to
be more than that. You’re going to
get help young man. Professional
help.

MOM
What? Professional-

Mom takes a moment to compose herself.

MOM (cont’d)
I mean, right, right. Um... let’s
discuss that, outside honey.

Dad puts his arm around Mom, the first sign of affection
he’s shown so far, and walks out.

Rayner takes one broken half of his DS and curls up in his
bed with it, devastated.

Hey Wariofart. I know nothing about writing plays, so I can only give you advice on the plot in general.

So, you have a good idea. It's obviously unique and original and all that. My question is, is this intended to be a comedy? And if so, how humorous do you want it to be? This is a good thing to keep in mind. I mean, it could be funny in an offensive way, like the Simpsons/Family Guy/American Dad. Or, it could be funny in a sarcastic way, like Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm. It could even be funny in a silly way, like Spongebob Squarepants or iCarly or any of those other Nickelodeon shows. I just can't tell yet what kind of funny you're trying to be, if at all.

I like the encounter with this kid and his dad at the GameStop. I also like how Rayner's dad smashed his DS. It was a great plot twist and really left the reader disappointed, even if it was over a somewhat trivial thing. The only part I really didn't like was that with the feminist teacher. As a self-proclaimed feminist myself, I can tell you that feminists aren't like that. Most feminists, at least. We aren't crazy or extreme or defensive. We just think women should have equal rights as men. We think women should have equal salaries if we're doing the same amount of work, and we think that rape really sucks. The end. That's feminism in a nutshell.

I saw that you were trying to be funny because, come on, Rayner couldn't have attempted rape during class. Maybe it's just me, but I'm not too crazy about your portrayal of the teacher.

So, Wariofart, I'm really looking forward to seeing the rest of this script. I'm sorry I can't help with any minor technicalities, but I'm a short-story writer and poet myself. You can come to me for help on those any time you like!

-Abigail

Wow, it’s been a very long time since I’ve touched a script so excuse me if I’m a little rusty.

One little nitpick that I spotted (though I couldn’t tell you if it’s in both versions.)

It seems like he’s about to speak when MS.
GILMORE, the English teacher comes in.

You definitely did a name switcher on us there. Just saying.


But as a whole, with this script I think you may have a few things to look out for. First and most importantly is remembering that just because it seems funny to you, it doesn’t always read on the page or come off of the screen as particularly funny. And I think you’re really pushing the line with humor and not humor a little. Some of it actually just seemed like a chunk of grade school insults.

You were also toeing the boundaries of realism, most importantly with Ms. Glitter’s and the homeless person in general. Actually, I wasn’t totally sure where the homeless person fit into all of this. It really makes no sense to the plot. And that usually means you don’t need it.

I did, however, really enjoy the scene with the boy and his dad in front of the store. The main reason? It does two huge things for the script: flesh out Rayner’s character and it’s relevant. Those things are big and you did that super well in that particular chunk.


Anyways, I hope that, as a whole, could be of some use. If you have any questions, I’m going to bed. But I’ll answer it sooner or later.

~lilsters

Hello, here to review per request! (Sorry for the slight delay!)
On with the review.



Overall:
Firstly, I really like how well you've characterised Raynar as in we know what he would do and why he does these things. We know a lot about him after just eight short scenes. I also liked the general idea of this, a person who's obssesed with Nintendo and playing Nintendo games. I think it's slightly out there, but it might work!

As Lily said, there were a couple scenes/characters that didn't seem real. For one, this Alice girl just seems a bit unrealistic. I mean, nobody's that bad. She might be slightly bitchy about it and be really angry about him, but she shouldn't be that insecure (unless something happened in her past?) But that's going too in depth I think.

The really short scenes needed to be a bit longer, otherwise I don't even think they were needed. Like when rayner is walking through the halls, something needs to happen to really make the scene slightly more interesting, see what I mean?

I think you've got loads of potentail, and it's getting there. I just think that some ideas need to be brushed up a bit. I hope my review helped!

PM me with any questions!
-Arc