Young Writers Society

Minnow Jones: (On the phone with her guy friend/crush who's on vacation, laying in her bed) Yeah, so today in World Geography we were talking about the seven natural wonders of the world. So then my teacher asked for my opinion on what should be a wonder of the natural world. I told him The Natural Bridge of Virginia. Remember? That's the place where we met. And talked. And became friends.(Off track) You were so cute then. (whisperers) And you still are. (Normal) What? Oh nothing. The story? Oh right. (Angrily) He told me I was wrong! Me? Wrong? Ha. (Normal) Then Jenny was all, like, (snobby) “The natural bridge is so ugly. Why do you like it?” (Scoffs) I told her that famous quote from(pause)Plato. (pause) I think. The one that's like “Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.” (Speeds up talking) I mean, not only is it amazing, I'm told it was initialed by George Washington. And it's so strong, cars can drive over it.(Slows down) I know you probably think I'm a nerd right? (Nostalgic) And when we started... you know, talking. You in your red jacket, and me in my worn out sneakers. When you asked me if I thought about falling rocks, and I was all like, “at least I'm not the only one”. And when I slipped on the rocks and almost fell in, you caught me. It was like heaven on earth. I love you. I mean the bridge. I mean...yeah. (laughs tentatively then Somberly) You know, I miss you. A lot. (pause then brighter) You are? Tomorrow? Great! Yeah!! (pause) Got to go endure a 30 minute dinner with my brother. See you tomorrow. (Gets off the bed) Bye! (hangs up phone)

This needs a lot of work. You aren't going to want the ()'s everywhere. So get rid of them and find a way to work what your trying to say into the story... example:

mvb627 wrote:

Spoiler! :

Last summer I took a creative writing course. We had to create original monologues about what we thought was the 8th world wonder. Enjoy!!

“The natural bridge is so ugly. Why do you like it?” (Scoffs)

Maybe your character should say, "The natural bridge is so ugly. Why do you like it?" (I'm assuming Jenny said this line) Jenny scoffed.

Perhaps you should describe the look on her face, you know, for effect.

mvb627 wrote:Minnow Jones: (On the phone with her guy friend/crush who's on vacation, laying in her bed)

So from this line, I'm thinking you want to make the story a past tence. Therefore it would go like this:


Minnow Jones sat on her bed, talking on the phone with her guy friend who's on vacation.
You need to chose crush or guy friend, saying them both confuses the reader.

1 more example, then I ask that you reread your story and try again.

mvb627 wrote:Yeah, so today in World Geography we were talking about the seven natural wonders of the world.

If your talking on the phone, this needs ""s. In a story, you don't say things like yeah, Ok, so, things like that, they all confuse threader.

This line should look like this
Today in World Geography we were talking abou the seven natural wonders of the world.

Keep doing it, it's almost half way there. Take my advice and this story will be great.

Hi MVB627!
So, I liked it, but the formatting was kind of a mess, lol. I took a piece of your piece and took out the parenthesis and made it flow a little better.

Minnow Jones was laying across her bed on the phone with her boyfriend who'd abandoned her for a vacation. "Yeah, so today in World Geography we were talking about the seven natural wonders of the world. So then my teacher asked for my opinion on what should be a wonder of the natural world. I told him The Natural Bridge of Virginia. Remember? That's the place where we met. And talked. And became friends..." Minnow rolled over and stared at the ceiling dreamily. "You were so cute then," she quieted, "And you still are."
Blushing, she hurried back into the conversation. "What? Oh nothing. The story? Oh right." Minnow felt the rush on anger fill her. "He told me I was wrong! Me? Wrong? Ha." She laughed the anger off. "Then Jenny got all snobby and was like, 'The natural bridge is so ugly. Why do you like it?'" Minnow scoffed, sitting up.

You get the idea? Manda Panda gave you some awesome tips. Use them and your piece should come together nicely. It's an interesting topic and you could really develop the characters a bit. If this was supposed to be about dialogue only you could also put a little more characterization in it. Someone suggested this to me recently and it's pretty good to try: Read your dialog out loud like you were talking to some one ok? That makes it flow smoothly and become really life-like. PM if you have any questions:)
~Dakota Knight

Hey Kirby! I saw this on the request a review page (GO TEAM ROCKET!) and I couldn't resist.

Now, eek! Monologues! These are really difficult to do because you have to make it sound liquid smooth when talking and you can't rely on dialogue tags or any other descriptors to convey your meaning across. It's just the dialogue and that's it. You either get it or you don't. So, you definitely did something very tough and the fact that you did as well as you did is something awesome in itself!

Now, in your case, I think you actually made it a bit too colloquial. For instance, you have so many pauses and "likes" and other people speaking in this monologue that I actually think it detracted from your message! You needed to talk about the eighth wonder of the world. So you talked about the Natural Bridge of Virginia. Which is good, but then you had all these character interactions everywhere that put the focus off the bridge. For example, you had the gossipy girls with attitude, then you had the boyfriend... all of these direct your attention off the bridge.

Not to say that all the character interactions are bad -- they aren't! The boyfriend has a key role because he is one of the key reasons why this bridge is so critical to your narrator because, if it weren't for this bridge, they wouldn't have met. But, the talk about the day mostly concerns the boyfriend being cute and stuff. The interesting part is the part where he catches her, since that helps tie everything together. Another part which I think you might want to add is why were they there in the first place? This sort of local connection might also add more depth for your monologue -- always a good thing! Because this shows that not only is this place important to her but to him as well, so it becomes even more fascinating.

Now, you have a lot of directions in your monologue. I say you cut them out. Let your words help shape what you want to say, not the instructions. The careful reader -- the actress, I guess I should say! -- will understand how to shape the words as long as you have nice solid writing for her to read. Trust the actors! They usually get it right -- most of the time anyway, lol.

Also, it's okay for the character to go on a long rant and not let her boyfriend interrupt her. That's why it's a monologue. So don't keep pausing. Let the words flow out!

Hope that helps!