http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic76080.html
Spoiler! :
.....
INT. SCHOOL HALL - AUDITORIUM - CONTINUOUS
It is now Period 3, and the Drama class has commenced, with everyone inside. (By everyone, this includes FREDERIK, EM, LEAH, SAM, JESS, HANNAH, ELLY, SCOTT, LINDSEY, DAKOTA, SKINNER and MRS. THOMPSON.)
MRS. THOMPSON
Alright. Now, I said that we would be doing SAC revision today. So I need everyone to jump into groups of 3 and then we'll begin the revision.
HANNAH
Hang on, Mrs. Thompson. Aren't you gonna tell us who got the roles for the production?
SAM
(suddenly remembering)
Oh, yeah! That's right. We're not moving until you tell us.
The WHOLE CLASS (except for FREDERIK, and possibly even SKINNER) start asking and pleading MRS. THOMPSON to tell them. Over this, MRS. THOMPSON looks at FREDERIK, as if saying with her eyes (and face) "Should I tell them?" FREDERIK responds with a look that says "Nah, let's leave them guessing. I wanna see how long this lasts."
HANNAH sees this and thinks FREDERIK knows something.
HANNAH
Fred, do you know?
FREDERIK doesn't say anything, simply smiling and not saying anything. SAM's worked it out.
SAM
(to Mrs. Thompson)
Did Frederik get it?
EM
What makes you think Frederik got the lead?
SAM
Isn't it obvious? I mean, all this time... they're just looking at each other like they know something, and Frederik hasn't said anything,...
HANNAH
Fred, did you get the part?
They all start pleading FREDERIK now, who refuses to say anything, with the exception of his smile getting bigger and bigger.
Eventually, MRS. THOMPSON manages to quieten down the class.
HANNAH
Did Fred get the part?
MRS. THOMPSON
(with meaning she doesn't want to explicitly say)
That's for him to say if he wants.
The class starts pleading FREDERIK again.
SAM
Did you get the lead, Frederik?
FREDERIK
(suspensfully)
I... I got the part... of Seymour
EM
So you got the lead?
FREDERIK
No, I got the part of Seymour.
MRS. THOMPSON
Which is the lead.
FREDERIK
And you had to ruin it, didn't you.
HANNAH
Well done, Fred.
The class congratulates FREDERIK, even though he still wants to keep this under his belt.
INT. COUNSELLOR'S OFFICE - DAY
COUNSELLOR
Why didn't you want to tell them you got the part?
FREDERIK
Can't a guy have some secrets?
COUNSELLOR
Well, they were going to find out anyway.
FREDERIK
True, but still. I wanted to enjoy myself. That, plus I wasn't quite sure who the lead role actually was. I wasn't even sure of what the play was about.
COUNSELLOR
Your teacher dropped by the tell you that Seymour was the hero, or lead, of the play. And yet, you still weren't quite sure of your part?
FREDERIK leans forward.
FREDERIK
(opening up, as if confessing a sin)
I've had people tell me they were religious when they were anything but. I've had people say they'd have my back, but turn around and just completely bag-mouth me. Heck, I've even had someone who told me they liked me. But that whore was just trying to see if she could get into me. Or more accurately, me into her. (beat) You can't fuckin' trust anyone in this town. Even if they're your friends. (beat) I fuckin’ learnt that the hard way.
FREDERIK resumes his normal sitting position during a beat.
Already, the COUNSELLOR seems like they're getting to the heart of the problem.
COUNSELLOR
The feeling of betrayal is common barrier.
FREDERIK
Yes, but I'm not a common man.
COUNSELLOR
You're not? Why? Can you fly or do you react strangely to kryptonite or something?
FREDERIK chuckles.
FREDERIK
I'm an ordinary human being. I'm just not... you know, normal.
Beat.
COUNSELLOR
Tell me about the first rehearsal.
FREDERIK adjusts his sitting position for a more comfortable feel.
FREDERIK
First rehearsal: I turned up late because I had a singing lesson.
INT. SCHOOL HALL - AUDITORIUM - AFTERNOON
FREDERIK walks into the auditorium of the school hall.
The rest of the CAST is standing at their seat in the audience seating area doing vocal warm ups lead EM under the supervision of MISS CARMEL and MRS. THOMPSON.
FREDERIK
(voice over, whilst entering)
When I walked into the hall, they were in the middle of a vocal warm-up.
When the CAST has finished the warm-up... (They would have sat down by now.)
MISS CARMEL
(not angry)
Mr. Hansen, how nice of you to join us.
FREDERIK
Sorry I'm late. I had a singing lesson.
SAM
I didn't know you took singing lessons.
FREDERIK
I only just started last term. I posted it on Facebook. Everyone should've know...
(re: Em)
Well... everyone except Em.
EM
Oh, yeah, that reminds me. Attention, everybody! Frederik deleted me off Facebook.
Everybody oos and aws whilst FREDERIK laps this up.
FREDERIK
Worse things have happened. I think we're gonna be fine.
Everybody aws again with a laugh, but in support for FREDERIK this time. This was a good come-back.
FREDERIK takes a seat next to SAM. EM sits down next to SAM as well, but on SAM'S opposite side. MRS. THOMPSON takes charge.
MRS. THOMPSON
OK... Well. Welcome everybody to the first rehearsal for this year's production Little Shop Of Horrors. My name's Mrs. Thompson if you don't know, and this is Miss Carmel. She's new to the school and will be helping us out musical wise.
MISS CARMEL waves.
MRS. THOMPSON
And on behalf of the production team, we would like to thank you for being part of this year's college production. It's gonna be a hit this year. Having said that, we really don't have a lot of time, and there is so much that has to get done to make this musical work. Not just the blocking, but all the nitty-gritty behind-the-scenes stuff we have to sort out, so bear with us when it does get a bit busy.
MISS CARMEL
We don't have time to muck around.
MRS. THOMPSON
Yes, that's right. So we would like to kindly ask you to... to just not make our lives a living hell - is about all I'm saying.
If we're working on some blocking, please don't talk. If you wanna talk, take it out into the corridor. Or just bring some homework to complete so that you're not board if we're not doing anything that needs you.
Alright. Now, before we begin today, I've just gotta hand these out...
MRS. THOMPSON takes a pile of papers and distributes them among the cast.
EXT. JUST OFF SCHOOL GROUNDS - AFTERNOON
Back in December. FREDERIK walks out of the school hall and walks down the path to cross the road. On his way, he walks past a couple of STUDENTS
STUDENT #1
Hey, Freddie!
FREDERIK waves meekly to them, a little annoyed from what happened in the hall foyer with SKINNER.
FREDERIK
Hey.
He continues on his way. After crossing a zebra crossing, he turns around to look at the hall again. He then suddenly notices something - he sees SKINNER talking with a group of friends her own age. They look fairly similar (clothes, hair, etc.) to the group of students she used to sit with. This represented the next generation taking over.
Out of spite, FREDERIK turns to leave and look at another part of the street, but notices that the group of friends and SKINNER are now looking at him. FREDERIK is not amused.
FREDERIK
(to students)
(yelling from across the street)
What the heck are you pricks looking at?
With a "Come on, y'all, let's get out of here" attitude, the group turns and leaves, except for SKINNER who just stands there with an angry look on her face staring straight at FREDERIK, as if trying to kill him with the power of sight. Beat.
After, SKINNER turns and joins up with the rest of her group.
In a state of rage and anger, FREDERIK aggressively gives her the bird, and then turns and walks home.
FREDERIK
(voice over)
(with a very Dylan Moran style)
Like I said, she's got a good face... for a 12-year-old.
INT. FREDERIK'S HOUSE - FREDERIK’S STUDY AREA - LATER
FREDERIK angrily approaches his computer, and after turning it on, he opens a new Pages document and begins typing vigorously. The screen is once again filled with his angry comments which are read out aloud via voice-over, as if recorded at one of his routines.
FREDERIK
(voice over)
(still carrying on from Dylan Moran)
But realistically, the face - I tell you what - the face literally means nothing, because as you're...
CUT TO
INT. COMEDY CLUB - EVENING
FREDERIK is performing his routine at the comedy club.
FREDERIK
(Dylan Moran)
...scanning down a woman, like you usually do; in particular with this one, OK? It's like...
FREDERIK pretends to scan down an imaginary woman on stage, starting from the face and slowly working down.
FREDERIK
(slowly changing style)
15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15... etc.
FREDERIK works his way down until he gets to the place where the breast of the woman would be.
FREDERIK
(Hugh Denis style)
Oh, that is very 18 of you.
The audience bursts into laughter and a round of applause. FREDERIK feeds off of this.
We occasionally cut back and forth between FREDERIK on stage, and the MANAGER of the comedy club from behind the counter. The MANAGER is pleased to see that everyone is enjoying themselves, but is a little concerned at the nature of FREDERIK'S comedy material, although he has a feeling that it's about to get worse - just how much worse is anyone's guess.
FREDERIK
See... you may not have noticed this, but all I just got up to then was her cleavage. I mean, most 12-year-old's don't have that kind of cleavage... unless they're obese.
The audience bursts into a more shocked and grossed-out laughter.
FREDERIK
So she shows a lot of cleavage in her everyday dress, and she obviously has the making of a potential slut - I'm sorry - absolute whore down her chosen career path. But what scares me even more is it's tanned.
Again, the audience laughs with a shocked and grossed-out style to it. FREDERIK continues to push the boundaries each time, and he wants to see just how far he can take them.
The MANAGER'S expression changes to a bit more concerned now.
FREDERIK
And I know she has a boyfriend. I mean, I know... from one look, it's impossible for her not to have a boyfriend 'cause she's like a magnet. She's like a fuckin' magnet.
FREDERIK imitates a woman adjusting her breasts and cleavage, to which the audience laugh at even more.
FREDERIK
And, like, yeah, you know, I mean, good for her. Yeah - it's a great relationship. A girl who looks like Cameron Diaz is dating a guy 3 years older than her that looks like... like fuckin' Michael MacIntyre.
The audience chuckles at this.
FREDERIK
And I mean, I don't, I don't know much about women. I mean, I don't know the value of 'em. Like, to me, that's where the food comes from.
The audience laughs.
FREDERIK
And so, like, every time I happen to catch a small glimpse in the middle of rehearsals, it's kinda like...
(imitating Skinner's Audrey voice)
"I'd put on cheap and tasteless outfits. Not nice ones likes this; low and nasty apparel, and..."
(aggressive English accent, Dylan Moran style)
"What you mean there's no fuckin' chips?"
The audience laughs with applause.
FREDERIK
I've had to pretend to like you for a whole year, you cunt. The least you can do is cook me dinner...
(audience laugh)
...you fuckin'...
And I know I'm a bit of a sexist person. I mean, it's no secret and I'm not gonna try and deny it. Realistically, we're all sexist. Just some more so than others.
But realistically, this is a sexist world. We use sexism every day and we don't even know about it. I mean, take the stance that women belong in the kitchen. Right? Then how come all our famous celebrity chefs are actually men?
(audience chuckle)
Think about it. I mean, if women belong in the kitchen, and we have men of all things cooking and making a fortune out of it. ... It's gotta be about the money.
(laugh)
It has definitely got to be about the money. I mean, a guy cooking who's not a female? This I gotta see.
(shocked laugh)
So, I guess what we're actually saying is is that women don't belong in the kitchen... they just don't belong in the spotlight.
(audience oos)
The MANAGER is now very concerned about the material.
FREDERIK
And I don't think that's quite true, to be honest. I think women should be in the spotlight. I mean, porn star Sophie Dee has a thriving career ahead of her in the spotlight. ... Which then, of course, brings me back to the topic of tits.
If your tits are bigger than what they ought to be for someone your age, then for goodness sake, stop eating chicken!
(crowd bursts with laughter)
They freak people out and they're not attractive. Especially if you're a bloke.
(burst of laughter)
I dunno about you, but tits on a man just doesn't work for me.
(crowd erupts with laughter and applause)
The MANAGER has a very concerned look on his face. This material from FREDERIK is just not acceptable to him.
INT. COMEDY CLUB - manager's office - EVENING
The MANAGER is working in his office on his computer. There is a knock at the door.
MANAGER
Come in.
FREDERIK enters his office.
FREDERIK
You wanted to see me, sir?
MANAGER
Frederik, please. Come in, sit down.
FREDERIK closes the door behind him as he pulls up a chair and sits across from the MANAGER.
MANAGER
I... I wanted to talk to you, Frederik, about your stand up material.
FREDERIK
Well, sure. What about it? Is it too long? Too boring? Too drab?? I can jazz it up a bit if you like. I mean, I was doing some Dylan Moran earlier...
MANAGER
No, no, no... Frederik... it's not like that at all. You see,...
He sighs.
FREDERIK
Is something wrong?
MANAGER
You are a gifted young comic, my friend. Nobody else can stand up in front of a crowd of people like that and say all those expletive and aggressive things like you can. I mean, most people are concerned about their image or about offending somebody.
FREDERIK
That's because most people are trying to do things which the audience finds funny. And I don't do that. I only do things that I think is funny. I don't give a shit about anyone else. I'm here to amuse. It's my job to be entertaining, and if I'm the only person I'm entertaining, well, then... so be it.
MANAGER
Frederik, I understand where you're coming from and I understand your intentions are good and, well, in all cases, you know...
Regardless, I want you to tone down some of your material.
FREDERIK'S expression changes.
FREDERIK
W-w-what do you mean?
MANAGER
Frederik, you're a nice person when you try, and your audiences love your material. Always. It's almost a packed house every time. But your material is a little out of line with what the type of operation that we're running here.
FREDERIK
Well, what kind of an operation are we running here?
MANAGER
We want to create a nice environment. A safe environment. And most of all, a fun environment. Now, please don't take this the wrong way, but your material does not meet any of those requirements. You're purposefully accusing and attacking a girl you... had an affair with or something...
FREDERIK
Now, look here, sir. This girl and I did not have an affair. We did not go out. We did not have sex. She already has a boyfriend and it's not me, thank God. We only kissed for a school production.
MANAGER
OK. So you did not have any sexual intercourse with the girl.
FREDERIK
No.
MANAGER
I understand that. But you also need to understand that your material is rather... well, ...
FREDERIK
Dark?
MANAGER
Too dark. Know what I mean? You insult the poor girl like she has no feelings, and she hasn't even done anything wrong to you.
Realistically, if that girl were to walk in here one night and listen to your routine, how do you think she'd feel?
FREDERIK
She'd feel offended, and yes, I get your point. But the fact of the matter is is that this is comedy. We don't mean anything we say.
MANAGER
Frederik, I know you wouldn't purposefully say anything that would offend someone in the context of actually hurting them. You mean well, and I know that. And I've seen a lot of comics in my time whose careers have actually taken a nose-dive because of... well, this.
All I'm asking is that for the sake of this club and the sake of your career, I just need you to ease up a bit with the attacking humor.
FREDERIK is somewhat dumbfounded.
INT. CLASS ROOM - AFTERNOON
In the last week of April, FREDERIK enters his English class. He is greeted by a friend, TYLER BO, roughly the same height but a little bigger, with rough dark hair and growing a beard. Several tattoos are seen on his arms.
The two are pretty good friends.
TYLER
Freddie!
FREDERIK
Tyler!
TYLER
No, Fred. No.
FREDERIK shrugs and takes a seat next to Tyler.
TYLER
S'what's going on?
FREDERIK
Not much. You?
TYLER
Yeah, nothin' much.
At that moment, as if to save the scene from an awkward silence, SAM enters with CHARLIE and BRENDAN following behind him. SAM has a bottle of ice coffee and a custard tart, along with a folder and a copy of Peter Goldsworty's Maestro. CHARLIE has a meat pie and packet of chicken bites (not from McDonalds), and no books. BRENDAN just brings in his folders and a copy of the book.
SAM
(whilst entering)
(impersonating Chopper Reid, very ocker accent)
Fuckin' 'allo!
TYLER understands the joke and joins in.
TYLER
Yeah, fuckin' 'allo.
SAM
Yeah, how the fuck are ya?
TYLER
Yeah, not fuckin' bad, yeah.
Various other STUDENTS enter and take their seats in the class room as the following dialogue takes place.
FREDERIK
(to Tyler)
What's this off?
TYLER
Ah, it's Chopper. Haven't you seen it?
FREDERIK
Nup.
TYLER
You haven't seen Chopper? How 'bout Mad Max?
FREDERIK shakes his head.
TYLER
Mate, they're classics.
FREDERIK
Yeah, but so's Cannibal Holocaust, and I bet you haven't seen that.
BRENDAN
Cannibal Holocaust is a B-movie and was banned.
FREDERIK
So? It's still a classic.
TYLER
Oh, hey. Have you heard of a movie called The Human Centipede?
FREDERIK
The what?
TYLER
The Human Centipede.
FREDERIK
Um... no, I don't think I have.
TYLER
Ah, I've only heard about it. It's something about some guy who stitches people together from mouth to ass to make a human centipede. He feeds the one at the front, the front guy shits in the next person's mouth, and then that person shits in the other person's mouth, and then it comes out the other end when they shit. So you only have to feed it once.
FREDERIK
Hm, it's a clever idea.
TYLER
I think it got banned in Australia or something.
FREDERIK
[scoffs] No wonder. Do you think you could track it down?
TYLER
Well, my laptop's getting fixed again, so I won't be able to download anything for a while, but yeah, I'll see if I can find it.
FREDERIK
OK. Cool. Thanks.
The English teacher, MRS. ROSE, walks in with her tub full of work and laptop.
MRS. ROSE
Alright. How are we all going? We've got a lot to get through, so let's not waste any time.
INT. SCHOOL HALL - AUDITORIUM - AFTERNOON
The second Monday after school rehearsal. The cast is separated into 4 groups: the sopranos, the altos, the contraltos, and FREDERIK, SKINNER and SAM together.
The 3 groups huddle around a keyboard which MISS CARMEL sits at with an open music book ready to teach each group their specific harmonies for "Skid Row", the opening number. MRS. THOMPSON stands nearby to supervise and oversee.
FREDERIK, SKINNER and SAM, who are not being needed at that point in time, hang around at the back of the stage talking and joking in soft voices.
SAM
(to Skinner)
So what you thinking of Fiddler?
SKINNER
Honestly, I'm looking forward to it. I've got a good role...
SAM
Who's the other chick you're sharing it with?
SKINNER
Juliet.
SAM
Ah.
SKINNER
Yeah, she's going alright with it too, so... and it's gonna be, like, it's coming on together alright, so we should have it all sorted in time for opening night. ... Oh! And I'm loving Match Maker. I just love the choreography they've given us with the mops.
SKINNER pretends to mop the floor with an imaginary mop. The mopping is done with timing as if you music. It is obvious that SKINNER is having fun with this, as by the look on her bright smile on her glowing face.
SAM
Ilene's amazing when it comes to that.
SKINNER
I know.
SAM
And she's one of the nicest ladies there.
SKINNER
Mm... yeah, but I think Verlie's nicer.
SAM
How you going with Fiddler, Frederik?
FREDERIK
Um... yeah, I think I'm going along fine.
SKINNER
You're just a villager, aren't you?
FREDERIK
Yeah, but... I mean, that might lead on to bigger and greater things. Like, take the cast of The Big Bang Theory, for example. Now, none of them had been in any good or known roles before then... and look at them now! Big stars and everybody respects them. So this little villager...
He points to himself.
FREDERIK
(feeling confident)
...will be the next James Bond.
SAM chuckles in a small-supporting way - just one of FREDERIK'S many lame jokes which has just some value to it.
SKINNER
(no feeling, just nothing, but with some irony/humor and mock support)
Whatever you say, Frederik. Whatever you say.
The 3 groups are singing "down on Skid Row".
FREDERIK
DOWN IN SWAN HILL
What's the bet this song could be entirely made about Swan Hill?
SKINNER
This song probably is about Swan Hill.
SAM
Swan Hole, you mean.
SKINNER
Pretty much.
FREDERIK
DOWN IN SWAN HOLE
That actually sounds more like a song about a vagina than anything else.
The 3 groups have started learning the part of the "Skid Row" song "Up town you cater to a million bores..."
SKINNER
God, you know what really shits me? How we can't say "whores".
SAM
Yeah. It's just Mrs. fucking Thompson trying to take the fun out of everything. Shits me.
FREDERIK
Or try to elude any references to Swan Hill.
SWAN HILL, YOU CATER TO A MILLION...
SKINNER chuckles. She then decides that she wants in on this.
SKINNER
SWAN HILL, YOU CATER TO A MILLION WHORES
Um...
SAM
EMPTY CONDOM PACKETS ON THE BATHROOM FLOORS
FREDERIK and SKINNER chuckle at this, and try to make a complete song.
SKINNER
THE MORNING'S MASTURBATION, IT GETS EVEN WORSE...
IEESHA MAKES IT EVEN WORSE
FREDERIK
Lol. That is gold.
LATER
By now, some time has passed. SAM has joined up with one of the organized groups and SKINNER and FREDERIK are going over what they already have.
FREDERIK / SKINNER
SWAN HILL
WHERE TEEN PREGNANCIES ARE THE GO
SKINNER
DOWN IN SWAN HILL
FREDERIK
DOWN IN SWAN HILL
SKINNER
DOWN IN SWAN HILL
FREDERIK
DOWN IN SWAN HILL
SKINNER
DOWN IN SWAN HILL
FREDERIK
DOWN IN SWAN HILL
FREDERIK / SKINNER
DOWN IN SWAN HILL...
FREDERIK / SKINNER
F... / FUCKED
ALL MY LIFE, I'VE ALWAYS BEEN F... / FUCKED
SKINNER
And that's it so far...
FREDERIK
THEY TOOK ME IN
GAVE ME CONDOMS, A KEG
SKINNER
CRUSTY CUNT, A HEAD JOB
FREDERIK
TREATS ME LIKE DIRT
CALLS ME A SLOB, WHICH I AM...
I don't care what anyone else says, that is good.
[continued in part 5]
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