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War Of The Immortalitas



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Gender: Male
Points: 266
Reviews: 33
Sat Apr 09, 2011 8:46 am
TheRobster1991 says...



Screenplay for Film. Third one in the series, Endangered Seas being the first one. Be honest but kind

EXT – NEWYORK CITY – DAYTIME
Hover over the city. It looks like a post-apocalyptic world, buildings in ruins everywhere. More extravaganza buildings have been built over the top of the rubble.

There is rubble of cars and tanks, and all kinds of army vehicles. Floating around are machines, they look like mini UFOs. Scanning the remote areas around

EXT – STATUE OF LIBERTY – DAYTIME
SUPERIMPOSE: “New York City – 2024 – in ruins”

The Statue of Liberty remains standing, but it has been manipulated, instead of the feminine face of a woman it is of a man (MYKLOSS), and the pose is not of one holding a torch and a book but rather a pose of him holding a crystal instead of a book and saluting

INT – TOWN HALL – DAYTIME
Town hall is a market place. Society is still at large. There are some tramps by a barrel of fire, warming themselves. The fire is being fuelled by dollars, British bank notes, Euros, etc…

There are some children playing in the market. One of them steal and apple. They start running

APPLE OWNER: Give them back you thieves!

BOY #1: What are you doing?

BOY #2: We need this to live.

BOY #1: You know what he’ll say.

BOY #2: And I can’t eat.

One of those mini UFOs are flying past. It targets onto the boy with the apple. The boys spot it

BOY #1: Run!!!

Both of the boys run for it. The UFO chases them. It starts shooting at them

EXT – HOUSING ESTATE - CONTINUOUS
The boys both run through some set of housing estates all up to one particular house where they hide. After a while of probing the UFO leaves

They are very relieved. They are shocked to see MOM appear from nowhere

MOM: Just where have you been?

BOY #2: Mom, I’ve got an apple, I was hungry! You know we need it Mom. We’re starving.

MOM: It’s not fitting to go around stealing boy! The Lord doesn’t want us to be doing that.

BOY #2: He isn’t the lord Mom, he’s false.

MOM (Slapping him, hard): How dare you say that! Don’t you know that’s blasphemy!

BOY #2(In tears): This isn’t how things are supposed to be. Maybe the Rebels were right after all. Maybe I should join them!

BOY #1: What are you saying?

MOM (Very angry): Fine! You do that! But there will be no home to come back to.

Boy #1 leaves discretely. Boy #2 gets angry then leaves. As he leaves three troopers pop from under the ground all holding their hands toward him in a pose that implies some sort of weapon, using their bodies, as they are not holding guns

Mom sees them and runs out

MOM: Why are you here? He hasn't done anything wrong.

TROOPER #1: Oh, but you’re wrong, he’s guilty of trespassing the great law of thieves. And we know what happens to thieves don’t we.

MOM: Please, he’s my son, can’t he have a trial?

Trooper #2 raises a sword made of stone out of the ground
through the power of suggestion

TROOPER #2: Stealing equals the death penalty.

MOM (On knees): No please! I’m begging you. Have mercy on my son! Have mercy on my son! Show pity, may the great Mykloss show pity on my son.

Trooper #3 and Trooper #1 both grab Boy #2 by the arms. Trooper #2 raises sword in threatening manner. He goes to strike him

Mom’s “No!” echoes throughout

CUT TO:

INT – PALACE – DAY
Inside an exquisite palace, it is richly decorated. It has carved images of ‘Mykloss’ throughout. There are royal guards walking around. One Royal Guard makes his way into the throne room

As he enters there is nothing there. But after awhile the ground shakes, a throne appears from the ground. Mykloss is sitting on it, being ‘attended’ to be three very beautiful women

They are giggling and all have green eyes like Mykloss. The first has a very strong Russian accent and green hair like Mykloss, the second has Brown hair and the third has dark Red hair

MYKLOSS; What do you want?

ROYAL GUARD (Kneeling): My lord!

He lifts his head to Mykloss

ROYAL GUARD (Lifting head): We have received word that the rebels have struck again at the Crash Market; month’s worth of food is missing again, lord.

MYKLOSS (Pushing three women away): What… (Standing up) I have worked very hard for all of this. I thought you told me that they were dead.

He lifts Royal Guard through the power of suggestion

ROYAL GUARD: There wasn’t much left after the bombs fell if you remember…

MYKLOSS (Remembering): Ah yes, the great west. (Laughs) They thought that they could stop me. Now they obey me. (Back on track) I need these Rebels destroyed! I have seen many kings fall, from great Nebuchadnezzar to Joseph Stalin. My kingdom must not fall. It shall stand the test of time and eternity. These Rebels must be hunted down and terminated immediately. Those fools have been in hiding for ten years. They want the crystals. That’s what they’re after! But they won’t get them; double your team and round up some hunting parties! Fail me and I will see to your death myself. You can go. Get back to business.

Mykloss lowers him. He leaves

MISTRESS #1: We need it Mykloss, we need it.

MISTRESS #2: Yes Mykloss, please, we need it.

MISTRESS #3: Be a strong man Mykloss and give it us.

MYKLOSS: Yes, of course you do, of course you do.

Through the power of suggestion Mykloss opens up a hidden tunnel. The throne starts floating down it to a secret, mysterious cavern

INT – MYKLOSS# BASE - SECRET CAVERN - CONTINUOUS
It is incredibly beautiful, filed with all kinds of jewels and precious stones

In the centre is a rock piece, with the seven Crystals in. The crystals are seen through Mistress #1’s eyes. As they draw closer the more they draw energy from it, constant energy. They arrive right next to them. The girls all go over to them, entranced by them

They get more entranced by them all the more. Mykloss watching them. They start to get more excited, as if they are getting sexually excited. Light from the crystals float into them. They all moan out in pleasure, but not quite in a sexual one

Mykloss laughs, his laughter turns into psychotic laughter

CUT TO:

INT – MEETING ROOM IN PALACE - LATER
A huge meeting room in which Mykloss is in. There are several generals and men of war, but they are all dressed in robes of old

GENERAL #1: Sir, Russia has fallen at last.

Mykloss laughs

MYKLOSS: Excellent! The Russians are good people, but they’re forgetting whose side to be on. Fools, two thirds of the world surrendered at my coming, yet these self same morons refuse to back down. Don’t they know my power? I can crush nations. That will be their downfall. What about the Britons? Any news on them?

GENERAL #2: We have increased our bombardments sir. But they still won’t surrender.

MYKLOSS (Getting angry): Those stubborn morons! They think that because they can outwit Nazi Germany that they can buffoon me!(?) Release everything you have got on them, everything! Do not report anything other than good to me!

GENERAL #2: Well… We have disabled their long range attack missiles and tactical nukes, so there is no chance of a counter attack.

MYKLOSS: That is good news. But General, I do not want to hear that, I will to see Great Briton on its knees! Now tell me, what other nations are fighting us?

GENERAL #3: Holland is still fighting.

MYKLOSS: That puny miserable nation? Are there not others? It has taken me over a decade to push back the tides of rebellion from neighboring nations, and we are so close. Gentleman, you need be in no concern for Holland, she will be easily taken care of. But Briton, those Barbarians really will fight to the death. If we can push back Rebels in other nations, can we do so in our midst, in our own continent?

GENERAL #4: We have intercepted a new message sent on a unique frequency using the old Cell phone networking satellites. Which we believe has been sent by the rebels. The message seems to be nonsensical.

MYKLOSS: Play it.

They press a button on the desk

JAKE (V.O): This is a high priority message being sent, if there is any personnel on this frequency keep strong. Do not stay where you are, but do not seek us out we will come to you. Always wear the mark of Immortalitas, wherever you go. We have enough supplies at base, and our currently achieving great things and new technologies from before the war… God Bless and good luck.

GENERAL #2: It is believed that he is referring to the birthmarks.

MYKLOSS: No, no. They’re not stupid; do you think they’d do that? Then it will be too easy for us to hunt them down. No, he was symbolizing to any survivors who know of the prophesy made by Zakious. But Zakious is long dead. I have known Zakious for over five millenniums, until the early start of the twentieth century, he disappeared without a trace. And knowing Zakious like I do, he would have attempted to stop me. But you know what… nothing. All that remains of him are these… chosen ones! Have you located where they are residing?

GENERAL #3: We believe it to be somewhere in New York, the supplies in the Crash Market, the Flea Market, all the annual festivals, keep getting reported stolen, and not just the odd apple. But crates worth of stuff at a time. Why not take the whole supply? They’ve not been captured before hand.

MYKLOSS: Taking too much would be risky, they know that. So when they run out next…That’s when we get them. (To General #3) General, gather the information on the most frequently stolen stocks, and lay a trap. That’s when we’ll strike.

GENERAL #3: Yes sir.

MYKLOSS (Stands up): Gentlemen, you may leave.

All get up to leave

CUT TO:
  





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Thu Apr 14, 2011 6:05 pm
Soulkana says...



Rather confused by what happens. But other than that I think its great. This sounds great and are you going to continue with this? I want to read more very very much so. This is great and I love it. I can't find anything wrong but I'm not good reading scripts they confuse me lols. Although I could follow this so Thanks. Good luck and Keep up the good work. Happy Writing!!!!
Soulkana<3
May the gentle moon take you into peaceful dreams. May the mighty sun brighten your new days.
  





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Gender: None specified
Points: 3820
Reviews: 90
Mon Apr 25, 2011 7:33 pm
freewritersavvy says...



Um, now I am curious....off to read more.

~FW~
http://www.isiseiyr.com
~When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world. ~ George Carver

Writing...they claim it is a dangerous occupation... 'they' have no idea!
  





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Fri May 27, 2011 4:05 pm
MeanMrMustard says...



RobsterJames wrote:EXT – NEWYORK CITY – DAYTIME
Hover over the city. It looks like a post-apocalyptic world, buildings in ruins everywhere. More extravaganza buildings have been built over the top of the rubble.

There is rubble of cars and tanks, and all kinds of army vehicles. Floating around are machines, they look like mini UFOs. Scanning the remote areas around


Ok first thing first, in your storyboard and scene building...make sure your tenses and words make sense. While we the audience never see this, how can the people that build this scenery possibly understand your vision if it's left to the imagination in "post-apocalyptic world, buildings in ruins everywhere". That doesn't mean you have to detail every single broken window or bombed out ruin, or what not. No, in fact that would be far worse.

Your sentence "There is rubble of cars and tanks, and all kinds of army vehicles" is a better example, though still too broad and suffers from singular/plural disagreements, actually gives us to latch onto. Saying "extravaganza" with anything is a gutted cornucopia of much abo about nothing. What does that possibly mean to me?

So I bring this up only because the scenery of what you describe supports the later casting and displaying of drama...everything supports everything else. You cannot have a deep, interesting world if you lack the characters to put into it and call it a movie. The same works vice versa; unless you're going art movie directions....but that's besides the point.

EXT – STATUE OF LIBERTY – DAYTIME
SUPERIMPOSE: “New York City – 2024 – in ruins”

The Statue of Liberty remains standing, but it has been manipulated, instead of the feminine face of a woman it is of a man (MYKLOSS), and the pose is not of one holding a torch and a book but rather a pose of him holding a crystal instead of a book and saluting

INT – TOWN HALL – DAYTIME
Town hall is a market place. Society is still at large. There are some tramps by a barrel of fire, warming themselves. The fire is being fuelled by dollars, British bank notes, Euros, etc…


2024 seems far too soon to depict the events here, just so you know. You're stretching believability. We've all, or many of us, have tried this type of story and the placement of events in time is always an overlooked problem or one we dread. The note on the town hall is interesting, if only because of the irony you place in it. I would still advise rethinking exactly what you mean for ultimate clarity. Avoid specifiying as well, that people are by fires....to warm themselves. I'm glad they're not lighting themselves on fire (though it seems in a world like this that would be preferable).

There are some children playing in the market. One of them steal and apple. They start running


Do you not like subject verb tense agreement? Be more careful with your edits.

APPLE OWNER: Give them back you thieves!

BOY #1: What are you doing?

BOY #2: We need this to live.

BOY #1: You know what he’ll say.

BOY #2: And I can’t eat.

One of those mini UFOs are flying past. It targets onto the boy with the apple. The boys spot it

BOY #1: Run!!!

Both of the boys run for it. The UFO chases them. It starts shooting at them

EXT – HOUSING ESTATE - CONTINUOUS
The boys both run through some set of housing estates all up to one particular house where they hide. After a while of probing the UFO leaves

They are very relieved. They are shocked to see MOM appear from nowhere

MOM: Just where have you been?

BOY #2: Mom, I’ve got an apple, I was hungry! You know we need it Mom. We’re starving.

MOM: It’s not fitting to go around stealing boy! The Lord doesn’t want us to be doing that.

BOY #2: He isn’t the lord Mom, he’s false.

MOM (Slapping him, hard): How dare you say that! Don’t you know that’s blasphemy!

BOY #2(In tears): This isn’t how things are supposed to be. Maybe the Rebels were right after all. Maybe I should join them!

BOY #1: What are you saying?

MOM (Very angry): Fine! You do that! But there will be no home to come back to.

Boy #1 leaves discretely. Boy #2 gets angry then leaves. As he leaves three troopers pop from under the ground all holding their hands toward him in a pose that implies some sort of weapon, using their bodies, as they are not holding guns

Mom sees them and runs out

MOM: Why are you here? He hasn't done anything wrong.

TROOPER #1: Oh, but you’re wrong, he’s guilty of trespassing the great law of thieves. And we know what happens to thieves don’t we.

MOM: Please, he’s my son, can’t he have a trial?

Trooper #2 raises a sword made of stone out of the ground
through the power of suggestion

TROOPER #2: Stealing equals the death penalty.

MOM (On knees): No please! I’m begging you. Have mercy on my son! Have mercy on my son! Show pity, may the great Mykloss show pity on my son.

Trooper #3 and Trooper #1 both grab Boy #2 by the arms. Trooper #2 raises sword in threatening manner. He goes to strike him

Mom’s “No!” echoes throughout

CUT TO:

INT – PALACE – DAY
Inside an exquisite palace, it is richly decorated. It has carved images of ‘Mykloss’ throughout. There are royal guards walking around. One Royal Guard makes his way into the throne room

As he enters there is nothing there. But after awhile the ground shakes, a throne appears from the ground. Mykloss is sitting on it, being ‘attended’ to be three very beautiful women

They are giggling and all have green eyes like Mykloss. The first has a very strong Russian accent and green hair like Mykloss, the second has Brown hair and the third has dark Red hair

MYKLOSS; What do you want?

ROYAL GUARD (Kneeling): My lord!

He lifts his head to Mykloss

ROYAL GUARD (Lifting head): We have received word that the rebels have struck again at the Crash Market; month’s worth of food is missing again, lord.

MYKLOSS (Pushing three women away): What… (Standing up) I have worked very hard for all of this. I thought you told me that they were dead.

He lifts Royal Guard through the power of suggestion

ROYAL GUARD: There wasn’t much left after the bombs fell if you remember…

MYKLOSS (Remembering): Ah yes, the great west. (Laughs) They thought that they could stop me. Now they obey me. (Back on track) I need these Rebels destroyed! I have seen many kings fall, from great Nebuchadnezzar to Joseph Stalin. My kingdom must not fall. It shall stand the test of time and eternity. These Rebels must be hunted down and terminated immediately. Those fools have been in hiding for ten years. They want the crystals. That’s what they’re after! But they won’t get them; double your team and round up some hunting parties! Fail me and I will see to your death myself. You can go. Get back to business.

Mykloss lowers him. He leaves

MISTRESS #1: We need it Mykloss, we need it.

MISTRESS #2: Yes Mykloss, please, we need it.

MISTRESS #3: Be a strong man Mykloss and give it us.

MYKLOSS: Yes, of course you do, of course you do.

Through the power of suggestion Mykloss opens up a hidden tunnel. The throne starts floating down it to a secret, mysterious cavern

INT – MYKLOSS# BASE - SECRET CAVERN - CONTINUOUS
It is incredibly beautiful, filed with all kinds of jewels and precious stones

In the centre is a rock piece, with the seven Crystals in. The crystals are seen through Mistress #1’s eyes. As they draw closer the more they draw energy from it, constant energy. They arrive right next to them. The girls all go over to them, entranced by them

They get more entranced by them all the more. Mykloss watching them. They start to get more excited, as if they are getting sexually excited. Light from the crystals float into them. They all moan out in pleasure, but not quite in a sexual one

Mykloss laughs, his laughter turns into psychotic laughter

CUT TO:

INT – MEETING ROOM IN PALACE - LATER
A huge meeting room in which Mykloss is in. There are several generals and men of war, but they are all dressed in robes of old

GENERAL #1: Sir, Russia has fallen at last.

Mykloss laughs

MYKLOSS: Excellent! The Russians are good people, but they’re forgetting whose side to be on. Fools, two thirds of the world surrendered at my coming, yet these self same morons refuse to back down. Don’t they know my power? I can crush nations. That will be their downfall. What about the Britons? Any news on them?

GENERAL #2: We have increased our bombardments sir. But they still won’t surrender.

MYKLOSS (Getting angry): Those stubborn morons! They think that because they can outwit Nazi Germany that they can buffoon me!(?) Release everything you have got on them, everything! Do not report anything other than good to me!

GENERAL #2: Well… We have disabled their long range attack missiles and tactical nukes, so there is no chance of a counter attack.

MYKLOSS: That is good news. But General, I do not want to hear that, I will to see Great Briton on its knees! Now tell me, what other nations are fighting us?

GENERAL #3: Holland is still fighting.

MYKLOSS: That puny miserable nation? Are there not others? It has taken me over a decade to push back the tides of rebellion from neighboring nations, and we are so close. Gentleman, you need be in no concern for Holland, she will be easily taken care of. But Briton, those Barbarians really will fight to the death. If we can push back Rebels in other nations, can we do so in our midst, in our own continent?

GENERAL #4: We have intercepted a new message sent on a unique frequency using the old Cell phone networking satellites. Which we believe has been sent by the rebels. The message seems to be nonsensical.

MYKLOSS: Play it.

They press a button on the desk

JAKE (V.O): This is a high priority message being sent, if there is any personnel on this frequency keep strong. Do not stay where you are, but do not seek us out we will come to you. Always wear the mark of Immortalitas, wherever you go. We have enough supplies at base, and our currently achieving great things and new technologies from before the war… God Bless and good luck.

GENERAL #2: It is believed that he is referring to the birthmarks.

MYKLOSS: No, no. They’re not stupid; do you think they’d do that? Then it will be too easy for us to hunt them down. No, he was symbolizing to any survivors who know of the prophesy made by Zakious. But Zakious is long dead. I have known Zakious for over five millenniums, until the early start of the twentieth century, he disappeared without a trace. And knowing Zakious like I do, he would have attempted to stop me. But you know what… nothing. All that remains of him are these… chosen ones! Have you located where they are residing?

GENERAL #3: We believe it to be somewhere in New York, the supplies in the Crash Market, the Flea Market, all the annual festivals, keep getting reported stolen, and not just the odd apple. But crates worth of stuff at a time. Why not take the whole supply? They’ve not been captured before hand.

MYKLOSS: Taking too much would be risky, they know that. So when they run out next…That’s when we get them. (To General #3) General, gather the information on the most frequently stolen stocks, and lay a trap. That’s when we’ll strike.

GENERAL #3: Yes sir.

MYKLOSS (Stands up): Gentlemen, you may leave.

All get up to leave

CUT TO:


en media res

Milton did this you know, and he fought his entire life to be appreciated for what he did, working his way from nothing to become a staple of literature. He took a risk in Paradise Lost that could have banished him from all memory. But it's debatable what memory really serves or does for us, no? Perhaps the most important people in history are those we never know. And to your film script here...dropping into action abruptly as we do, we need grounding quickly. The conflict with the mother and the children is too quick and too decisive after our opening theft. We're not really given a moment to rest, and then we meet the big bad figure in the end of this section.

Now this is a three part deal. Okay, so perhaps the transition from each part works. But I would judge each piece, each work, on its own particular merits. Individually, I'm saying. Once we straddle a work across several volumes, the distinct characteristic of what defines that work becomes delineated...becomes thin, and awkward. Your challenge is to retain that in way that never loses coherency.
  








We are all broken. That's how the light gets in.
— Ernest Hemingway