Young Writers Society

Camilo the Magician

Jade is a trained agent working undercover at an ice cream parlour looking to find more information about the criminal she is about to catch. She is talking to the kids when she catches the eye of a mysterious man in black – he is the criminal but she doesn’t know yet. They have taken lust of each other…

Character Descriptions:
JADE: A red haired, age 24, blue eyes
CAMILO: A Man in black, extremely charismatic, in trouble with some bad guys, framed for the wrong thing.
MARTHA: Age 7

JADE: Here you go, kids, and a one-two-three, strawberry-pumpernickel, frosty banana, wilberry-dilemma, and a spark of Canadian crème de glacee. That will be 10 pence, dears.

MARTHA: I un’t got 2 cents m’am (looks down)

JADE: Why don’t you run along and pay me later then, sweetheart.

MARTHA: Thanks mum, real appreciation...(runs off)

CAMILO: (hands her a 5 pound bill behind her ear) That should do it for a scoop of mango-shortbread, keep the change miss.

JADE: Thanks, amigo – listen, hear that sound?

CAMILO: No, what?

JADE: The sound of laughter, tugging at my ears, the delightful aura of beautiful children, that’s why I took on this job, you see….

CAMILO: Oh (stares in awe at her)

JADE: Of course, I hope to find children of my own someday…

CAMILO’s fingers curl, just a tiny bit.

JADE: Might I ask what a fine young gentleman is doing around here at this hour?

CAMILO: (lies) I’m…. waiting for my wife, we were supposed to meet here.

JADE: Well, what does she look like? Perhaps I could go find her....

CAMILO: She’s got these beautiful eyes – the ones that pull you into a trance as you stare in them (he says this while never taking his eyes off her)

JADE: There? That one there? (points at a blonde woman)

CAMILO: What are you really doing here?

JADE: (shifts her position) I don’t know what you mean. I already told you why.

CAMILO: I’m sure you do…

JADE: If you don’t mind, I have a lot of work to be done

CAMILO: What… at an ice cream parlor? What could possibly interest a woman your age at this kind of job? Lady like you, you’d be wasting your talent…

JADE: Why do you keep on looking back? It’s as if you’re hiding from something.

CAMILO: (pulls his face closer to her, breathing in her face) Why? Every man has got secrets…

CAMILO reaches behind her and pulls out a tiny gun that was strapped in her cleavage

JADE: Wh-

CAMILO: You’re not who you say you are…

JADE is silent, frightened, her only weapon is taken away. Although she is a trained agent, she cannot escape this time.

JADE: Get away from me!

CAMILO: Nu-uh uh, (he grasps her in a position she is unable to escape from) I know who you are. Just stay very quiet and don’t say a thing.

JADE: Why shouldn’t I say anything?

CAMILO: (whispers) Listen, I’m in trouble. I got framed for a very large thing, and I need to know who did it. Trying to prove my innocence. Whether you help me or not, is your concern... (pause) you won’t be needing this.

CAMILO takes her gun, and breaks it in half with his bare hands.

JADE: So where is this wife of yours, huh? You really weren’t lying about that.

CAMILO: Try to spot a woman with vibrant Red hair that sparkles under the brilliant sunlight….

JADE: (still looking for the mystery woman) No way, you’re not talking about….

CAMILO: (continues..) Translucent Blue eyes, wearing a glossy pink apron…

JADE: I don’t know anyone…

CAMILO: Mhm..

JADE: I-I...

CAMILO: Hush, my friend... now listen to that sound again. Hear that? (silence and pause. Then CAMILO kisses her)

Stage Darkens then dims up again

JADE: What was that?

CAMILO: Some thing is out there… quick get under there (points at truck)

Jade gets under, ready for a fight. Jade can’t see what’s happening because the truck is in her way, however the audience can. Camilo miraculously waves his hands in the air, a bright light flashes and the two bulky men disappear into thin air.

CAMILO: You can come out now...

Jade comes out with her open fists readily scanning the area. The men are gone, Camilo briskly leaves, and she runs after him.

Hello the doctor! Well this was quite an interesting script. I have a few questions though. First of all, I'm not sure where the two men you mention in the last few lines came from. Actually, to be honest I was quite confused about this whole part of the scene:

Stage Darkens then dims up again

JADE: What was that?

CAMILO: Some thing is out there… quick get under there (points at truck)

Jade gets under, ready for a fight. Jade can’t see what’s happening because the truck is in her way, however the audience can. Camilo miraculously waves his hands in the air, a bright light flashes and the two bulky men disappear into thin air.

CAMILO: You can come out now...

Jade comes out with her open fists readily scanning the area. The men are gone, Camilo briskly leaves, and she runs after him.

Here, I'm just not sure what's going on in terms of the plot. I thought Camilo had disappeared, so how can Jade run after him?

My other questions concern the beginning of the scene. What is Jade's motivation as a character to tell Camilo about why she took that job? When does she begin to suspect that he might be the man she's after, or does she never suspect it until he pulls the gun on her? I would advise you to use dialogue to make the goals of the two characters more clear, instead of stage directions. It's easier for an actor or a director to interpret a script if the "wants" of a character are evident from the way they speak, or what they say when they speak, instead of giving them stage directions that they must follow.

I did enjoy reading this, but overall I think it would be helpful for you to make sure you, as the writer, understand the character's objectives, and then make sure that every line they say is an attempt to get them closer to that objective.

I hope this has helped! If you have any questions please feel free to message me.

Thanks,
GreenFinch