). I'm not looking for any actual critique on it (I'm very well aware of the mistakes, but I didn't have it in me to correct them), just thought I'd post it for you to have a laugh. Hope y'all enjoy! ^^Index:
Act 1
Scene 1: Prologue
Scene 2: The Nap
Scene 3: The Ransom
Scene 4: A Reunion
Act 2
Scene 5: Brainstorming
Scene 6: The Plan
Scene 7: Napping the Napper
Scene 8: Settling the Score
Scene 9: Epilogue
ACT 1
Scene 1
It is a usual, busy, day at the Santa HQ in Jamaica. Palms swaying in the wind, and the rusty steel HQ ruining the perfectly good scenery. Santa is on his morning jog wearing his red jumper and red pants. All the elves are busy working on Santa's sleigh.
Santa passes the working elves.
Santa: (merrily) Ho, ho! What a jolly sight, all me lil' minions working 'round the clock on me sleigh. Sure makes me proud! What's yer name, laddy?
Elf: (formal) Gerbal, sir.
Santa: Are you in charge here?
Gerbal: (trying to sound even more formal) Sir, yes, sir!
Santa: What a fine work you've done there Gerbal, my lad! Keep up the good work!
(Gerbal swells with pride.)
Gerbal: Thank you sir! Would you like something special on it?
Santa: (sweetly)Yes, now that ye mention it, yes. Could I have... A NOSY ELF REPELLER! Back to work ye lazy sacks o' taters, I want to see me reflection on it!
All the elves dash back to their “stations”, nobody wanting to be the last one to face the wrath of the new Santa Clause. The former Santa had fallen off his sleigh and this new Santa was horrible!
Santa jogs on, just to be cut off by his secretary.
Secretary: We're hours, no, DAYS behind our schedule, I think you should come help the elves, sir!
Santa: If I would want yer opinion, I'd ask for it! Now, get out of me way or I'll make ye eat yer pointy ears, and hope ye choke on them!!
Scene 2
The secretary scrambles out of Santa's way, but then Santa hears a hissing sound coming from a bush.
???: (hissing & mysterious voice) Your reign isss over you sssack of no-brains... Hisss...
Santa: (stammering) Wh-who is that??
???: (mysteriously) Wouldn't you like to know... Hisss...
Santa: (voice breaking) Sh-show yer se-e-eeEEEELF!!
???: Hahhaaaaaa... hisss...
(The mysterious “hisser” grabs Santa and drags him into the bushes. It hits Santa with a log and Santa blacks out.)
Scene 3
The next day is hot and dry, all the elves are bathing in various jacuzzis around the huge park of the SHQ. Gerbal is discussing the Santa issue with a few of his friends, Taffy, Argy, and Sam.
Gerbal: Even though he is much bigger than us, he should at least try to be nicer to all of us.
Argy: (wimpy tone) But he is a former pirate captain, complete with all that yar, har nonsense! Pirates just ain't nice, it's not their nature.
Taffy: But he could still try.
Gerbal: Hmm... Where is that old wrinkle face anyw-
Gerbal is cut off by a loud scream coming from the secretary.
Secretary: Eek, Santa's been Santa-napped!
(Gerbal & Co. run to the scene, to discover the secretary clenching a crumpled piece of paper. )
Gerbal: What is that??
Secretary: (sniffing) It's a ransom note. If we want Santa back, we will have to cancel Christmas for good!
Argy jumps into the air of sheer surprise.
Taffy: But that's.. that's outrageous!!
Secretary: I know, I know!
(The secretary breaks into tears and runs away.)
Gerbal: Who could do such a thing??
Scene 4
Meanwhile at the villain's layer...
Santa comes back to conscience. He is in a rocky cavern, with a weird mist hanging in the air.
Santa: (looking around) Where am I? Aah, me head feels like it's been hit by a cannonball.
???: (from the shadows) Maybe it wasss... Well, that isn't your worst problem, fatso... Hisss...
(Santa opens his eyes wide and sees that he is hanging upside down from a wire. And below him is a pit full of poisonous snakes.)
Santa: Could ye at least show who ye are before I die??
???: Sssure thing mate, (steps out of shadows, reveals face with lots of bulges and abscesses) remember me ye old sssea dog??
Santa: (grinning) Why if it isn't ol' One Eye Jack. Did ye do something to yer face, ye look charming.
Jack: (shouting) It was ye who threw me into that sssnake den, ye who left me to die, and you joke about it?!
Santa: Why the hisssing ol' mate?
Jack: (screaming) I... am... not... yer... MATE!!!
Santa: Ok, ok, but why the hissing?
Jack: (settles down and has a strange fire in his eyes) I “hiss” to remind me of what ye did to me.
Santa: (mock sniffling) Aaah, how an ol' sea dog is so touched. Ye really hiss just for me?? That's so sweet o' ye.
Jack: (shouting in rage, jumping up and down) Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!!
Santa: Didn't yer momma ever tell ye not to say shut up??
Jack: (trying to control himself) I'm going to leave ye there a while, but don't ye worry, I'll be back!
Santa : (laughing) Don't be too long, I might start to miss ye.
(Jack stomps back into the shadows and leaves the laughing Santa hanging by himself.)
Act 2
Scene 5
Gerbal is trying to figure out should they or shouldn't they help Santa.
Gerbal: Maybe we should just let it be, get a better Santa...
Taffy: (horrified) But then we would get on the naughty list!
Argy: It's true! We wouldn't get any presents!
Gerbal: (agitated) Ok, so we can't let it be, but if we save him, we still wouldn't get any presents, there'd be no Christmas.
Taffy: Unless...
Argy: (lightening up) ...we save Santa our selves!
Gerbal: How could we, elves, stand anything against a Santa-napper?
Taffy: All we have to do is surprise the napper. We could throw a net over him or something like that.
Gerbal: (anxious) What a great idea! Everybody, let's gather up all of the equipment.
All day and night, the elves make the net and find other supplies that they might need.
Scene 6
The elves are tracking Santa's footsteps down the road he jogged.
Taffy: So why were we tracking these footsteps?
Gerbal: (annoyed) For the umpteenth time, to find the place where Santa was Santa-napped.
Argy: But why do we want to know that?
Gerbal: (clearly trying not to hit Argy in the face) For the zillionth time, the criminal always returns to the crime scene.
Argy: You are smart Boss.
Gerbal is the co-boss. Always when Santa can't boss people around, it is Gerbal's duty. Always when he is boss, his attitude changes completely.
Gerbal: That's why I'm boss and you ain't. Keep tracking the tracks, you idiots.
Taffy: The tracks end here, there seems to have been a struggle.
Gerbal: (satisfied) We'll set up an ambush here. Taffy, get in that tree with the net.
Taffy: (mocking) Aye, aye cap'n!
Gerbal: Quit grinning and get in the tree. Argy, you go into the bushes. You'll be the decoy. I'll be ready to nap the napper when the net falls. To your stations men!
There they lay low until...
Scene 7
One Eye Jack comes along the road, to the place where he kidnapped Santa, to cover his tracks.
Jack: (muttering to himself) That stupid, fat old fart. If I would've been captain not him, he'd be the one in my situation.
Argy: (into radiophone) He is coming 'round the bend, everyone ready. Guess the two-hour wait was worth it. What do you think would have happened if we wouldn't have gotten here on time or if-
Gerbal & Taffy: Be quiet you imbecile!
Argy: (annoyed) Ok, ok... Here he comes!
(Jack comes around the bend on the road. Something small jumps out of a bush in front of him.)
Argy: (annoyingly) Hahhaa, I know what you did to Santa, I know what you did to Santa.
Jack: (surprised) What the-?
A heavy net falls on top of the squirming Jack while Gerbal jumps him.
Taffy: Gerbal's not doing too well... Argy, hit the napper with that log.
(Argy picks up the same log that Jack used and hits Jack with it. Now it's Jack's turn to black out.)
Scene 8
In the cavern, Santa's getting bored with nobody to make fun of. All he hears is the annoying hissing of the hungry snakes.
Santa: Oh will ye shut up already?
(Jack enters the cavern.)
Santa: (roars) Jacky! Where have ye been? It's been too boring ye cockroach. What's up with the rope 'round yer arms n' waist ? Have ye been trying to lasso yerself some food?
(Santa roars with laughter and the elf trio steps in behind Jack.)
Gerbal: We thought you were in trouble, but here you are, laughing your ass off!
Santa: (winks) The only trouble I have is a terrible headache intensified by this irritating hissing and all the blood in my head.
All the elves laugh, and even Jack is wearing a ghost of a grin.
Santa: Now could ye please let me down, so that I can deal with lil' Jacky here?
(As the elves untie Santa, Jacky tries to hop free.)
Santa: (places a hand on Jack's shoulder) Where'd ye think yer going, ye young hooligan?
Jack: (muffled because of the cloth in his mouth) Nowhere Mr. Santa sir.
Santa: Cut the “sir” crap and take it like a man.
(Santa pulls his sleeve up and pulls back a fist. Jack let's out a muffled scream. Santa swings... and the fists stops right in front of Jack's nose. Jack faints. Santa roars with laughter.)
Santa: (booms, laughing maniacally) Ye never, hahhaa, let, harhar, me down lad! Harharharharhar!
All four laugh heartily for a long while.
Santa: (still laughing) Let's get this goon back to HQ.
So, they walk back towards HQ, telling jokes and laughing the whole way, enjoying their new friendship.
Scene 9
Everything was back to normal, Santa on his jog and the elves working on his sleigh.
Santa passes them by.
Santa: (merrily) What's up ye ol' scalawag?
Gerbal: (copying Santa's way of speaking) Just finishing this here sleigh o' yers, mate.
Santa: Well, get back to yer work ye lazy sack o' taters, or I'll come there meself.
Santa and Gerbal laugh together. All of the other elves watch this weird scene with mouths hanging open. Just a few days ago, these two were the worst of enemies.
Santa: Well, I'll be on me way, and seriously, try to get it done quickly, or else...
Gerbal: Or else what?
Santa: Or else I'll put ye on the naughty list along with all these fine lads here, so get back to work.
Gerbal: (trying to keep a straight face) Just watch out for Jackys!
Gerbal goes back to work and admires the beautiful day, which only the rusty old SHQ ruins.
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