Young Writers Society

Hey everyone im new here and this is my fist attempt at writing a script and i wasnt totally sure how to set it out. like i said this is my first try so go easy on me and it not finished yet just wanted to get any tips or advice from you guys

INT. POLICE INTERROGATION ROOM

A bright room that looks like a stereotypical interrogation room with a doubled sided window on one wall and a stainless steel table with two chairs in the middle of the room. Two men at sitting at opposite ends of the table. Detective stone - mid-40s, bald, looks tired and James Clark - mid-20s, looks messy and beaten.

DETECTIVE STONE
So that's what happened

JAMES CLARK
Yes for fuck sake how long do we have to go through this

Knock on the door and without waiting for an answer a man with thick black hair in an expensive suit walks in.

DETECTIVE STONE
(standing up and facing the man) and what do you think you doing in..

MAN
(revealing a badge clipped on to his belt)
Special Agent Davis. This is now an FBI case now so Detective if you wouldn’t mind leaving the room so I can talk to Mr. Clark alone


Stone go’s to say something but releases he’s outranked and reluctantly leaves


DAVIS
Now Mr Clark if you mind telling me what happened last night

JAMES CLARK
Listen dude I've told the police everything that’s happened so can’t you just get their reports

Davis
Well we over at the FBI would rather hear it from you



James stays quit for a moment


DAVIS (CONT’D)
Or if you prefer I can charge your ass with double homicide and since you seem to like silence Soo much I can make sure you never talk to anyone again in your miserable fucking life

JAMES CLARK
FINE...

EXT. NIGHT TIME CITY STREET

JAMES walking down the street goes into a bar. The bar is empty apart from two men who are fighting one of the men looks normal(N) and the other isn’t wearing a shirt and is covered in strange tattoos and scares(S). The bar is empty apart from them

N smacks S with a bar stool S falls onto a table

S gets straight back up and tackles N over the bar

S gets up first, hits N with a bottle

S tries to hit him with another bottle but N grabs his arm

N then headbutts him, gets the already smashed bottle off him and stabs him in the neck.

N lets S’s body fall over and james notices thats S’s blood is a dark green color and has a putrid smell

JAMES CLARK
What The Fuck is up with his blood

Man
You really wanna know?

Yay! Screenplays!
First of all, thanks for using the screenplay format. It makes it so much easier to read/understand.

MLKToxic wrote:A bright room that looks like a stereotypical interrogation room with a doubled sided window on one wall and a stainless steel table with two chairs in the middle of the room. Two men at sitting at opposite ends of the table. Detective stone - mid-40s, bald, looks tired and James Clark - mid-20s, looks messy and beaten.

This paragraph sets up the scene/ characters well, however, I would advise against using the word "Looks". You don't need to be hesitant - this is your world, you can say whatever you want directly

(I know, I'm a hypocrite, but I use "looks" to attempt to sound British, not to give a general air of uncertainty so it's different! (Kind of...))

MLKToxic wrote:
Stone go’s goes to say something but releases realizes he’s outranked and reluctantly leaves

There are a lot of spelling and grammar errors in this scene - I'm not going to point out all of them, but I would suggest getting a friend to proof-read your work before you post it on YWS, so that the YWS reviewers can focus on giving you more feedback on the actual content of the piece.

MLKToxic wrote:
EXT. NIGHT TIME CITY STREET

If this bit is a flashback, you need to make it clear to your audience, either by including it in the action or in the scene heading. (EXT. NIGHT TIME CITY STREET - FLASHBACK).

MLKToxic wrote:
JAMES CLARK
What The Fuck is up with his blood

Man
You really wanna know?

Okay, I've started to get interested I'm liking this green blood!

However, I am a little confused - you've used the word "MAN" to refer to two characters now - are they both the same person? Also, is this "MAN" N, or has someone else entered? If they have, you should let the reader know, if not, you should continue to refer to the character as "N", because it is otherwise quite confusing.

Overall: I felt this started out a little slow for me - the first scene could have been from any cop show. However, with the introduction of the green blood, I think you've got something interesting there to hook the audience

I'd love to read more of this, so let me know if you update!

Hey there! Flow here as requested, and I will be your reviewer for the evening. I do like this peice. I did see a few errors, and I will point them out, but besides that I love it. I don't have much experience with scripts so you will have to bear with me for now, but I will try and help.
INT. POLICE INTERROGATION ROOM

A bright room that looks like a stereotypical interrogation room with a doubled sided window on one wall and a stainless steel table with two chairs in the middle of the room. Two men at sitting at opposite ends of the table. Detective stone - mid-40s, bald, looks tired and James Clark - mid-20s, looks messy and beaten.

DETECTIVE STONE
So that's what happened

JAMES CLARK
Yes, for fuck sake how long do we have to go through this

Knock on the door and without waiting for an answer a man with thick black hair in an expensive suit walks in.

DETECTIVE STONE
(standing up and facing the man) and what do you think you doing in..

MAN
(revealing a badge clipped on to his belt)
Special Agent Davis. This is now an FBI case now, so Detective if you wouldn’t mind leaving the room so I can talk to Mr. Clark alone


Stone goes to say something but releases he’s outranked and reluctantly leaves Starts would be a better word than goes, and it would be realizes not releases.


DAVIS
Now Mr Clark if you don't mind tell me what happened last night

JAMES CLARK
Listen dude I've told the police everything that’s happened so can’t you just get their reports?

Davis
Well we over at the FBI would rather hear it from you



James stays quit for a moment


DAVIS (CONT’D)
Or if you prefer, I can charge your ass with double homicide and since you seem to like silence Soo Omit the extra o. much I can make sure you never talk to anyone again in your miserable fucking life

JAMES CLARK
FINE...

EXT. NIGHT TIME CITY STREET

JAMES walking down the street goes into a bar. The bar is empty apart from two men who are fighting one of the men looks normal(N) and the other isn’t wearing a shirt and is covered in strange tattoos and scares No e.(S). The bar is empty apart from them

N smacks S with a bar stool S falls onto a table

S gets straight back up and tackles N over the bar

S gets up first, hits N with a bottle

S tries to hit him with another bottle but N grabs his arm

N then headbutts him, gets the already smashed bottle off him and stabs him in the neck.

N lets S’s body fall over and james notices thats S’s blood is a dark green color and has a putrid smell

JAMES CLARK
What The Fuck is up with his blood

Man
You really wanna know?[/quote]

I am really interested in this. Please tell me if you plan to write more. I didn't know if you were supposed to have any punctuation in these, so forgive me if I corrected something wrongly.