Young Writers Society

This is the second part of the zombie play me and my girlfriend wrote. All criticism welcome with open, dead arms!
Sorry for the length, but it is really hard to divide up a one act play that is pretty much one scene all together...

MELLISSA: I don’t think you’re an idiot.

COLBY: Thanks.

MELLISSA: (sits down) so what do we do Mr. Leader?

COLBY: Stay here and hold off the zombies until we feel it is safe to go find another group of survivors. Or until they find us.

MELLISSA: How long will that take?

COLBY: I don’t know for sure. Days. Months. Years. Maybe never.

MELLISSA: Well what are we wasting our time for? If we're just going to turn into one of them why are we delaying the inevitable?

COLBY: You really want to become a flesh eating undead monster?

MELLISSA: No but-

COLBY: Then stop complaining and just pick up a gun and help us live.

MELLISSA: Yes sir.

COLBY: And don’t call me ‘sir’. I’m not fit for that. (Loads a gun and hands it to MELLISSA)

MELLISSA: Is everything okay?

COLBY: Yes. Everything is fine. I’m just expected to make sure a group of people live long enough to see the future. Remember to aim for the head. It’s what kills them.

MELLISSA: Uh, right.

COLBY: Don’t fuck it up. And if you recognize someone, just shoot. They’re better off dead anyways.

MELLISSA: What about finding other survivors, didn’t you –

COLBY: I know what I said!

MELLISSA: I wish Cameron was here.

COLBY: I don’t. He’s better off where he is.

MELLISSA: What do you mean by that? He’s better off where he is.

COLBY: Nothing.

MELLISSA: Colby, please tell me honestly. Is there a chance that Cameron is alive somewhere out there?

COLBY: (Pause) No.

MELLISSA: But you said before that there was a chance that he –

COLBY: I know what I said.

MELLISSA: Then tell me the truth. Is Cameron still out there?

COLBY: I’m sorry, Mellissa. I tried to keep it from you, but it’s best that you know.

MELLISSA: He’s dead, isn’t he? Cameron is… Dead.

COLBY: Yes.
MELLISSA: But how is that possible? He got separated from us, how do you know for sure that he’s dead?

COLBY: He was infected. He knew it. He came to me in the middle of the night and told me to… I’m sorry Mellissa. It was the only way.

MELLISSA: You shot him, didn’t you? You shot Cameron.

COLBY: There was no other way. I’m very sorry, Mellissa.

MELLISSA: You fucking bastard! (Pushes him to the ground) You fucking killed him! We could have saved him!!

COLBY: Mellissa, please!

MELLISSA: I’ll kill you, you fucking bastard!! (Points gun)

COLBY: Fine. Shoot me.

MELLISSA: I will. I swear. (Cocks gun)

COLBY: I don’t deserve to live. I killed him. You’re right, we could have saved him. Maybe. I panicked. I thought there was no way.

MELLISSA: (In tears) I trusted you. I trusted you!

NATHAN: (Off stage) What the fuck!? (He and JUNO enter)

JUNO: Mellissa what are you doing!? (Grabs MELLISSA and pushes her away. NATHAN takes her gun)

MELLISSA: He killed my Cameron!

JUNO: Oh… Oh Mellissa, I’m so sorry, but we couldn’t do anything.

MELLISSA: You knew?

NATHAN: We all did. I’m sorry.
JUNO: It’s hard to say, but it was for the good of the group. He was infected. He made the decision. Try to understand.

COLBY: And he ask me to carry it out.

MELLISSA: No. I can’t understand. We could have helped him.

NATHAN: Don’t you get it girly; he was turning into a Zombie. He didn’t want you to see him like that, he did it for you!

MELLISSA: For me?

NATHAN: Yes! You idiot!

MELLISSA: But, how could he have gotten infected?

COLBY: I don’t know. My guess is that he had been trying to hide it, but decided that it wasn’t worth our lives. More specifically yours. I’m sorry. He told me not to tell you. Better to think he may still be alive somewhere.

MELLISSA: No. (Breaks into tears)

JUNO: I’m really sorry, Mellissa.

NATHAN: I’m uh… Gonna go find something to shoot. I’ll be back later.

COLBY: We need to get our minds off of this. The door still needs a barricade.

NATHAN: Oh, right! Of course. I’ll get on that. Uhh, Mellissa, why don’t you come with me? I promise that if we find something, you can shoot it. How about that?

MELLISSA: Sure. (They exit)

COLBY: Did I do the right thing?

JUNO: Huh?

COLBY: Killing Cameron. Mellissa could be right. There could have been a way.
JUNO: Now don't you go getting all depressed. You know as well as I do that there isn’t a cure, not now anyway, and who knows how long he was hiding it.

COLBY: Yeah, I know that. But I made a promise to all of you when this all started that I wouldn’t let anything bad happen. I feel I may have failed with Cameron.

JUNO: But you did what was right, though. You couldn’t control the fact that Cameron was infected, but you did the right thing in protecting the rest of us.

COLBY: I suppose you’re right.

JUNO: Damn right! Now help me move this.

COLBY: Right, the barricade.

JUNO: We are going to have to keep an eye on Mellissa, though. She’s a little unstable.

COLBY: I know.

JUNO: Well, I hope she doesn’t go all Rambo on us.

COLBY: She’s with Nathan, maybe he’ll convert her. Then we’re screwed.

JUNO: Last thing we need is two Nathan’s running around.

COLBY: That would be horrifying! I can barely keep up with one of them.

NATHAN: (Entering) Guys, we may have a little bit of a problem.

COLBY: What do you mean?

JUNO: Wait, where’s Mellissa?

NATHAN: That’s the problem. We went to the basement because she said that she saw some good barricade crap, we got down there and she took me by surprise.

COLBY: Calm down! Tell us what’s wrong!

NATHAN: I couldn’t stop her! She broke the barricade in the basement, and well, the zombies are inside!

COLBY: Shit! We need to get out.

JUNO: Not from this entrance! They’re surrounding us! Nathan! How the hell could you let this happen!? I thought you were the macho man!

(Gunshots are heard offstage)

NATHAN: I’m not perfect! Plus she has my gun.

COLBY: Ok, ok! We need a plan. Fast.

JUNO: Only thing I can think of is kill whatever is inside and barricade the basement again.

NATHAN: Good luck with that, there’s a ton of them!

COLBY: We need to try. Where’s Mellissa?

NATHAN: I don’t know!

COLBY: Damnit!

JUNO: As bad as it is, we can just barricade the stairs with or without Mellissa. (Pounding is heard offstage)

NATHAN: They’re pounding on the doors!

COLBY: Shit! We got distracted, our barricade will not hold up for long.

JUNO: Oh God! What are we going to do!?

COLBY: I don’t know.

NATHAN: Come on, Colby! You must have some sort of plan!

COLBY: I don’t know!

JUNO: Please!

NATHAN: Colby!

(Lights go out)

COLBY: Prey.

Alright this is the first time I have ever reviewed a script. I have not read the first part and I am short on time. So, sorry if this is a really sucky review. I just had to review it though because, well you are THE GREAT ITHY!!! Dun Dun dun

TheGreatIthy wrote:

COLBY: Stay here and hold off the zombies until we feel it is safe to go find another group of survivors. Or until they find us. I don't think a person would say "until we feel it is safe" or at least I would say "until its safe."

~~~

COLBY: Then stop complaining and just pick up a gun and help us live. Help us stay alive

MELLISSA: Yes sir.

COLBY: And don’t call me ‘sir’. I’m not fit for that. (Loads a gun and hands it to MELLISSA)

MELLISSA: Is everything okay?

COLBY: Yes. Everything is fine. I’m just expected to make sure a group of people live long enough to see the future. Remember to aim for the head. It’s what kills them. My brother tells me this all the time. I didn't know it was actually a true (made up) fact.

~~~

COLBY: I’m sorry, Mellissa. I tried to keep it from you, but it’s best that you know now. I am not sure about this if he just tried to keep it from her why would it be best that she know. I would think he would be a little more hesitant: but I guess you will have to know sometime. Or something like that.

MELLISSA: He’s dead, isn’t he? Cameron is… Dead.

COLBY: Yes. "Yes" doesn't seem to be the right word for the offhand tone I am getting from this. Maybe yeah or yep. You also forgot a space between line here.
MELLISSA: But how is that possible? He got separated from us, how do you know for sure that he’s dead?

COLBY: He was infected. He knew it. He came to me in the middle of the night and told me to… I’m sorry Mellissa. It was the only way.

MELLISSA: You shot him, didn’t you? You shot Cameron.

COLBY: There was no other way. I’m very sorry, Mellissa. [b]You have already said "sorry, Mellissa" once before it would be better if you don't say "Mellissa" this time.[/b]

MELLISSA: You fucking bastard! (Pushes him to the ground) You fucking killed him! We could have saved him!!

COLBY: Mellissa, please!

MELLISSA: I’ll kill you, you fucking bastard!! (Points gun) Generally, or at least in my experience, when people are swearing they don't call someone the same name twice. But, I am guessing because the two "yous" she didn't know what to say.

~~~

JUNO: I’m really sorry, Mellissa. Again I would take out her name.

Sorry, I have to go now. Overall it was really good. You need to remember though that they will be on a stage and body language will mean a lot. So you don't always have to say name so much. I suggest reading it out loud ,if you haven't already, and ask yourselves would I say this? Because some of the words just don't go well together.

A. S.

I like this. A lot of emotion, action, and it moves along fast but not so fast that the reader is out of breath trying to keep up.

However, what you have is still only a draft. What I'd do next is begin to add the stage direction as well as specific movements for the characters. Scripts are never just dialogue; they have descriptions, on-stage actions, and settings. You have a great start, though.

Oh, haha i didn't see the part 2 until... the second page...
I LOVE IT STILL! It keeps me at the edge of my seat!