Young Writers Society

EPISODE ONE
(View of Eva running on the streets)

[b]Voice Over: Ghana, population; 23,350,927, professional dance studios...none. Dance is a major part of the culture here...but the closest you come to becoming a professional dancer here in Ghana is when you become a cultural dancer. My mother was a dancer...so i guess dancing is in my blood...she met my father while touring with her dance crew around the world.

(View of Father walk up to Mom after her performance on stage; loud music)

Father: that was amazing

Mom: what?

Father: you up there...you're a dancer right?

Mom: ah...i guess

Father: I'm Frederick Attah, crown prince of Ashanti Empire

Mom: Abigail Mead...no title

(They shake hands)

Voice Over: She said it was love at first sight, that the moment they met she realized what her dance instructor meant when he said that “ life was not the amount of breaths you took. But the moments that took your breathe away.” They were married in a week and they couldn't be happier...

(View of them in a garden, mother in a simple dress, father in a tux. The place is almost empty with the exception of the priest and mother's dance crew members)

Father: I do

Mom: I do

voice over: but apparently not everyone was...

(View of Father's mother and father having an argument)

Father's mom: you have disgraced the throne...how could you do this?

Voice Over: my father was from a royal family and according to tradition he had to marry someone hand-picked by his family

Father: mom, you always taught me to follow my heart and I'm doing just that, I'm in love with her

voice over: so, to marry my mother he had to give up his throne and that he did... (View of mother waiting outside the palace with royal family staring at her disapprovingly. Father appears, takes her hand and they leave) never looking back...

Mom: are you sure about this?

Father: more than I've ever been about anything in my life

Voice Over: I guess he was pretty daring that way...for a while things were great but when I was ten my mom passed away from cancer...and after that everything changed...(View of graveyard with Mom and Dad standing by the grave. View of young Eva crying.)

Voice Over: We moved continuously from then onwards...nothing was stable again. I guess on one side I was a kid on adventure...experiencing the world for the first time...
(Eva looking out a window in a moving car)

Voice Over: but a part of me longed for my mom...to have her close by...to have her tuck me in at night after going around the whole house dancing on her toes... but I knew that would never be...my mom was gone...but she left with me, my greatest treasure yet...”the art of dance”

(OPENING CREDITS ROLL)

(Cut to Eva enter a building apartment. View of her entering her apartment carrying mail. She drops them on the table one after the other as if searching for something in particular. Her roommate Mia looks at her mischievously as she prepares breakfast)

Mia: you looking for anything special Eva?

Eva: no

Mia: you sure about that? How about something special like your acceptance letter into Julliard?

(Eva waves an envelope in the air)

Mia: OMG! You got in!?!

Eva: well not yet, there's a second callback

(Mia hugs her)
Mia: I am so happy for you!!! we both know you're already in...they'll be crazy to not take you

Eva: thanks, that really means a lot to me

Mia: so when is it?

Eva: In a month...(Sighs Heavily)

Mia: wow, that's pretty close...you're not going to go M.I.A on me again are you?

Eva: oh Mia what ever could you mean?

Mia: oh yes she is...so how about tonight, wanna hit the clubs to show me some of them famous moves?

Eva: ah...i would love to but i have plans...with my dad

Mia: oh, what did he say when you told him?

Eva: funny thing about that...

Mia: you haven't told him

Eva: no, not yet. But I will, tonight...I'm just...

Mia: come on Eva, I'm sure he'll be proud of you just like I am... If not more

Eva: yeah, I know...its just well you know how he gets about the whole dancing thing...after my mom died...he just didn't want to hear anything about dancing...of cause it don't help that my mom died from sarcoma

Mia: Eva, its been 8 years...I think he might be over that

Eva: I hope so...

(Cut to night. Restaurant)
(Cut to Eva and her dad at a table)
Dad: so, how have you been?

Eva: good...and you? how's the business?

Dad: really good...actually i wanted to talk to you about that

Eva: okay...what's up?

Dad: so remember the little project i had up in Ghana?

Eva: yes, what about it?

Dad: well its all done and i was wondering if you'd like to go over there and see how things are going there

Eva: what? Don't you have managers there or something?

Dad: yeah, but I need someone I can trust over there, so what d' you say?

Eva: no. I'm sorry dad, but I can't...um, there's something I have to tell you...I had auditions last month for Julliard..and there's a second call back next month...

Dad: last month

Eva: dad, I know how you feel about the whole dancing thing but I'd really appreciate it if you could come...and just see me dance...dad, I love dancing and I just wish you'd understand

Dad: hm...looks like I don't know my own daughter anymore

Eva: dad, this is not because-

Dad: see I thought I had a close enough relationship with my daughter for her to tell me she had an audition for Julliard a month ago... evidently I was wrong (He drops money on the table and leaves)

(Cut to next morning. Eva packing her things for class)
Mia: so is he mad at you for wanting to go to Julliard or not telling him about the audition?

Eva: I don't know

Mia: okay, so what are you going to do about it?

Eva: I don't know

Mia: okay... so where are you going?

Eva: I don't know...

Mia: Is there anything that you do know, Eva?

Eva: look Mia, I know that I'm being really annoying right now, but I'm really not in the mood for this okay? I have worked my ass off my whole life for this and I'm not just going to give up when I'm so close to getting in...I just need to get away for a while...at least until the auditions...we'll talk after then (Grabs her bag and leaves)

(Cut to Eva in a dance studio stretching to begin her routine)
Eva: Jerry Rose once said “The people who do not dance are the dead” I don't know how far my dance will take me but the one thing I do know is...I wouldn't know where I'd be without it. So maybe Jerry Rose was right, but not entirely. When I dance, I connect with my heart and soul... and I feel she's here...with me, each step of the way...and that gives me the strength. The need to hold on to life...I dance for my mom, I dance for life...and the stage is my home

(View of Eva doing intense training for her auditions)
(Cut to Eva fall to the floor tired with a bottle in hand)

(Cut to Eva on the pay phone making a phone call)
Eva: hello, Mia,

Mia: Eva! Where have you been...I've been looking for you

Eva: yeah, I know...I'm sorry I run out on you like that

Mia: well I'm not the only one...

Eva: Dad? Is he still mad? (no response) Well, is he okay?

Mia: Eva, there's something you have to know... It's pretty big

(View of Eva's face)

(Cut to Eva standing in front of the auditions center)

Voice Over: Julliard, one of the world's most prestigious performing arts school, anyone who wants to be somebody goes to Julliard... (View of other performers waiting for their turn...stretching) you only get a shot at it...only the best of the best get chosen (View of a girl fall on her butt frustratedly)...my mom went to Julliard (View of Eva holding the necklace around her neck) She was among the best of the best.

(View of Eva step onto the auditions stage)
Judge: Miss Mead, what have you prepared for us today?

Eva: Its one of my own...ah...(She gives the CD to the music instructor) thanks.

Judge: just take your time...we've got all day I guess

Voice Over: I dreamt of this day my whole life...the stage is my home and my heart is my dance
(View of Eva dance her heart out.)

(Cut to Eva sitting in a bar. Its raining outside. She's soaking wet)
(Mia enters and sits)
Mia: hey

(Cut to tears running down her cheek)
Mia: I'm really sorry Eva...I wish there was something I could do

(Eva nods still crying)

Mia: is there anything i can do?

(Eva shakes her head)

Mia: so...what are you going to do?

(View of Eva's face)

(Cut to Eva at the cemetery with other people for her dad's funeral)
Priest: husband, father, friend, he'll forever be remembered...
(View of Eva put sand in on the coffin crying. Mia puts her hand around her)

Voice Over: When my mom died my father told me, “death doesn't stop true love, it only delays it for a while” i guess i should be happy that they're finally together...but my heart aches for him.
(View of Eva staring at picture of her mom and dad)

Voice Over: I'm a dancer, and the first thing you're taught about dance is to train like you're never tired, to love what you do like your heart has never been broken and to dance like no one's watching.

(Cut to Eva talking to a woman in an office)
Woman: you realize what you're doing?

Eva: yes

Woman: a lot of people would kill to be where you are now, and you're just giving it up?

Eva: yes

Woman: well, I hope you know what you're doing

Eva: thanks for understanding...(Exits)

Voice Over: you only get one shot at Julliard, I'm the lucky win...the best of the best... (View of Eva throwing away all her brochures on Julliard) Dance has brought me this far... but I have to give it up now

(Cut to view of Eva at the airport with Mia)
Mia: so you promise you'll call?

Eva: yes, Mia, everyday.

Mia: good, and remember-

Eva: If I need anything you're just miles away...I know that Mia, You've only said that about a thousand times already

Mia: well, good. (Hugs her) I'm going to miss you so much

Eva: I'm going to miss you too

Mia: and don't get into any trouble okay? Don't join any gangs or get yourself killed

Eva: (Laughs) Mia I'm going to Ghana not some freaking war zone, its one of the most peaceful countries in the world

Mia: I'm just saying...you can never be sure about what the Internet says...people put the facts there you know

Eva: this coming from a girl who speed dates on the Internet

Mia: okay, that it so...besides the point

(Eva laughs and hugs her)
Eva: I'm really going to miss you

Mia: well good

Flight call: Last call for flight AK 652

Eva: I have to go but I'll call okay? (Leaving)

Mia: okay, bye

(Eva turns and waves for the last time)

(Cut to plane in the sky.)

(View of Eva get out of the plane to meet a man with her name on a cardboard)
Eva: hi

Man: Eva Mead?

Eva: yeah

Man: right this way...let me help you with that (Taking her trolley)

Eva: thank you

(Man unloads the bags into the vehicle)
Man: let me be the first to say welcome to Ghana, Miss Mead, I'm Alex your ah...

Eva: chauffeur?

Alex: I guess you can call me that

Eva: nice to meet you...I didn't know I had my own chauffeur

Alex: well, Mr. Mead wanted you to feel very relaxed...I'm very sorry for your loss

(Eva nods)

(Cut to view of Eva in the car staring out the window)

Voice Over: Ghana, population; 23,350,927, professional dance studios...none. But it doesn't matter, because I'm done dancing.

FADE TO BLACK

END OF EPISODE ONE

I'm Esther and I will be reviewing you today.

The first thing I noticed was that your punctuation is somewhat lacking. Normally, I am fine with simple mistakes, but one thing I can't stand is when you don't capitalize your I's. It is a a really simple thing to do and it will keep you from looking simple. I believe none of your pronoun I's are capitalized, which isn't very appealing to look at.

With my little rant aside, let's take a look at your script. Don't worry, I am a professional. (Not really, but I know what I'm doing.)

One habit you seem to be neglecting is setting the scene of the script. Example being these few lines of yours:

Voiceover: She said it was love at first sight, that the moment they met she realized what her dance instructor meant when he said that “ life was not the amount of breaths you took. But the moments that took your breathe away.” They were married in a week and they couldn't be happier...

Father: i do

Mom: i do

What the? I'm assuming they are in a church, but for all the readers know they could be in a graveyard or something. They could be in a shopping mall and we would never know because you didn't tell us. Whenever you change the setting of the script, be sure to tell the readers that you are. Or else we may think this is something else entirely. Here is an example on how to show the setting... changes are in green.

(Setting changes to the inside of a church. MOTHER is wearing a wedding dress, FATHER is wearing a tux.)

Voiceover: She said it was love at first sight, that the moment they met she realized what her dance instructor meant when he said that “ life was not the amount of breaths you took. But the moments that took your breathe away.” They were married in a week and they couldn't be happier...

Father: i do

Mom: i do

See how much more sense that makes? Not only do we know that they are in a church, we know a vague idea of what is going on through some minor descriptions. Also, I'm going to have to point out that you did not put periods at the end of your lines, which you just have to do. It's simple to do, so do it.

Here's a thing that some people don't do, but if they do it the script looks a lot better. When a character is speaking, make the name of the speaker capitalized like this:

FATHER: I am holding a fluffy chicken.

as apposed to

father: I am holding a fluffy chicken. And my name is not capitalized. Darn.

Get the picture? Just doing that will be a big help to your script and give it a finished look.

Now that I've nitpicked your faults here, I shall move on to the meat of the review.

FLOW:

Grammar errors aside, this needs some more work. You have a tendency to skip from scene to scene, you don't really describe what is going on, and you brought out a plot twist without any warning. (AKA: The dad is royalty? Tell us sooner so we aren't all like, "Whaaaat"? You can fix this by

Running your script through a spell check.

Setting the scene as I explained above.

and make sure that each scene is defined.

STORY:

This has the potential to be a sweet story about a girl finding her talents, or it could be a melodramatic and cliche attempt at writing. Try to go for the first one I said. Make sure that you have your plot all figured out before trying to write out a script. If you haven't done that, I suggest you do it now. An outline is invaluable to a writer. Trust me, I learned the hard way.

Sometimes your characters are saying nothing that contributes to the plot. Here is one of the Five Rules of Writing:

If what your character is saying does not further the plot, adds to his/her character development, or is just used to fill space, get rid of it.

You don't want to bore the living pants off of every reader, do you?

OVERALL:

I could like this, I really could. I like the main character and the plot, I am just not feeling it yet. Use a spell check, I beg you. Besides the lack of Is (AAAH) you also don't put periods at the end of your sentences. Even if you're bad at grammar, and trust me, a lot of us are, a spell check will catch and fix most of the problems you have.

Second, catch up on your reading on how a script works. A script isn't just:

bill: hey.

steve: Why are you holding a chicken?

It also has set rules to follow, and you sometimes break them. There are several good play formatting sites out there, so go ahead and look them up.

Do your best to leave out useless stuff, and I think you are ready to go. And remember: Don't stop writing! Keep at it and you'll get better and better.

Good luck with everything,

Esther

Thanks Esther, so much for the help. I really appreciate it.

Yay! More TV scripts!

Wow. That is a LOT to read in one post. I would suggest breaking it up into parts so that it is easier to read.
This seems to be a script for a TV show? If so, I would highly suggest looking into the formatting of a TV show.

HEREis a website with information about screenplay formatting. To see a few completed scripts you can go HERE. If you're wondering how you could possibly format your script like that using Microsoft Word, you can't really. I would suggest downloading the free software Celtx.

This might seem nit-picky, but in screenwriting it is VITAL that you format your work correctly.
I'm going to show you a way that you could format the first bit:

EXT. A BUSY STREET IN GHANA - DAY

We see EVA (give a short description) running through the streets.

EVA (VOICEOVER)
Ghana, population; 23,350,927, professional dance studios...none. Dance is
a major part of the culture here...but the closest you come to becoming a
professional dancer here in Ghana is when you become a cultural dancer.
My mother was a dancer...so i guess dancing is in my blood...she met my
father while touring with her dance crew around the world.

CUT TO:

FLASHBACK - INT. A THEATRE IN GHANA - NIGHT

Loud music plays. Dancers in decorative costmes are scattered around the stage.

FATHER walks up to MOTHER. She cooling down after a dance performance.

FATHER
That was amazing.

MOM
(shy)
What?

FATHER
You up there...you're a dancer, right?

MOM
Ah...I guess

FATHER
I'm Frederick Attah, crown prince of Ashanti Empire

MOM
Abigail Mead...no title

They shake hands and smile.

I think that your idea to write a show about dance is really great. If you put it into script format, I will review the actual content for you, but I really want to emphasize the importance of proper formatting!

EDIT: Also, I notice that your script contains mostly dialogue and little description. Remember that film is a visual media, so you should consider describing locations and actions a little more.

Hey Lindsay! iceprincess here again to review!

Esther and Nephthys have made a lot of valid points (especially about the punctuation and the flow of the whole piece and the grammar) so I'll just be here to improve your plot!

Mom: ah...i guess

Father: I'm Frederick Attah, crown prince of Ashanti Empire

No royal would introduce himself so causally to a mere dancer. I'm sorry, but it's true. He probably wouldn't talk to her at all, but he would leave a message for her or something.

Mia: you sure about that? How about something special like your acceptance letter into Julliard?

(Eva waves an envelope in the air)

Mia: OMG! You got in!?!

Wait --- who got into Julliard?

Mia: wow, that's pretty close...you're not going to go M.I.A on me again are you?

Eva: oh Mia what ever could you mean?

Oh, yes, what did she mean indeed.

(Cut to Eva at the cemetery with other people for her dad's funeral)
Priest: husband, father, friend, he'll forever be remembered...
(View of Eva put sand in on the coffin crying. Mia puts her hand around her)

Why did he just suddenly die? I mean, people can suddenly die or something, right?

I think this could be a pretty good story. but it's just too rushed! Expand more, let us see more of their personality, make us fall in love with them, make us hate them, make us feel what they're feeling! Show us what they're like through their actions, i.e describe what they're doing as they speak. For now, without any actions and/or dialogue that could really move forward the story, this script is, I'm sorry to say, pretty bland.

But no worries --- I was even worse when I wrote my first script! Remember, practise makes perfect, and with of bit of expanding here and there, and running through it again and again, I'm very sure it would be a really good opening to a story that will capture our hearts (how soppy XD)!

Keep writing, and PM me if you have any questions!

~iceprincess =]