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DOCTOR WHO - Attack of the Time Flies (Parts 1-4)



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Wed Sep 15, 2010 6:20 pm
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Nephthys says...



I'm a big fan of Doctor Who, so I decided to try writing a series (season) of my own :) I call it series 8 1/2. This is the first bit of the first episode!

Also, if you are unfamiliar with any of the Doctor Who terms that I use, please ask.






PART 1

Spoiler! :
EXT. TANGIN MANOR, 2013 - DAY

It is the year 2013. An old Manor and estate in the English countryside - from above. There is a main building, several smaller outbuildings, a little pond. CU on a graveyard with a small chapel- complete with several creepy-mostly-eroded statues. A sign proclaims the estate to be TANGIN MANOR.
CUT TO:


INT. FIONA'S DRESSING ROOM - DAY

Lady FIONA Tangin, 50, and FREDERIC, 54 prepare for their wedding. Fiona adjusts Frederic's bow tie and generally bustles around him; Frederic is slightly muddled.

FIONA
Frederic dear, do try and stand still, will you? You're making this incredibly difficult.
(She fixes his shirt collar)
We can't afford to have any mistakes.

FREDERIC
Yes, love.

FIONA
Mind you, that might be difficult with your poster child of a dysfunctional family.
(She sighs dramatically)
I suppose we'll manage as long as we can keep Uncle Conor away from the whiskey.

FREDERIC
Of course, love.


CUT TO:


INT. HALLWAY - MYSTERY POV - DAY

The camera is low to the ground- at knee level. The shot is from the POV of a mystery CREATURE that lurks outside Fiona and Frederic's room, looking in. There is a mechanical buzzing and ticking sound. The Creature watches for a few seconds, then buzzes along the hallway and up a flight of stairs. It stops outside the open door to Eudora's room.
CUT TO:


INT. EUDORA's ROOM - DAY

EUDORA, 28, (Fiona's daughter) frantically grooms VANCE, 29, her "manservant". Vance is not thrilled. All of Eudora's jackets have 3/4 sleeves. She is unknowingly mirroring her mother's movements as she attempts to fix Vance's hair. As she speaks, Eudora aggressively attacks his skull for emphasis.

EUDORA
I can't believe her Vance - Comb -
(Vance hands her a comb)
Getting married in my father's Manor - Gel -
(Vance hands her a bottle of hair gel)
And him in my father's suit no less - Pin -
(Vance hands her a bobby pin)
Poor Frederic. Married to a... a black widow spider. That's what she is. She captured him in her web of evil seduction. Vance! Could you try and stay still for a minute?

VANCE
Yes, miss.

EUDORA
And the worst bit is, is that she only married him for his money. The way she abuses him- you'd think he was her slave, not her husband! Vance - get my pearls will you?


Vance sighs, but goes to the dresser to get the pearls.
CUT TO:


INT. HALLWAY - MYSTERY POV - DAY
The CREATURE watches VANCE as he moves towards the door.

FX: From the POV of The Creature, humans look as if they're glowing with golden light.

As Vance approaches, The Creature backs out of view. Vance picks up the necklace and hands it to EUDORA. The Creature come closer again.

FX: The sound of the TARDIS landing.

Eudora looks around for the source of the sound. She goes to the door. The Creature shrinks back. She sees nothing, so she goes to the window and sticks her head out.
CUT TO:


EXT. TANGIN MANOR - DAY

We see EUDORA's head out of a third story window of the Manor.

EUDORA
Mum!


FIONA's head sticks out of a window below and to the left of Eudora.

EUDORA (CON't)
What was that?

FIONA
That idiot gardener must have left the lawnmower on again. You know how those immigrants are.

EUDORA
Mum!
(Appalled)
"That idiot gardener" has a name.

FIONA
Yes, I know dear, but I can't pronounce it. Vance!


VANCE sticks his head out the window, next to Eudora
VANCE
Yes, ma'am?

FIONA
Tell the gardener to stop that blasted noise, won't you?

VANCE
Yes, ma'am.

Beat. Fiona notices what Eudora has done to Vance's hair.

FIONA
What happened to you hair?

VANCE
(sighing)
Nothing ma'am.

Everyone goes back inside.
CUT TO:


EXT. TANGIN MANOR GARDENS - DAY

FX: The TARDIS materializes.

THE DOCTOR steps out, and looks around bemused.

THE DOCTOR
Right. Well then.


THEME SONG
Last edited by Nephthys on Tue Nov 16, 2010 5:49 am, edited 8 times in total.
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Thu Sep 16, 2010 12:24 am
seeminglymeaningless says...



Hey Nep :) I'm Jai, one of the four Musketeers, at your service!

First thing: I loved this script. It's so well laid out and you look like you really know what you are doing. The only thing I can think of with making the character cues more obvious is putting them in bold format. I know that's not normal, but it is a tad hard to follow sometimes.

On to the small stuff.

Loved the first scene. The only problem I have is that I don't know any of the characters, so I was dropped into the middle of nowhere (I was actually searching my brain for Frederic from the series :P). I understand this is how scripts work though, especially a Dr Who episode where there is a new timeline/situation every episode. So this paragraph is probably not very helpful. Oh. Well, actually. You could always provide a character list at the top - how everyone is related to who and so and so.

All of Eudora's jackets have 3/4 sleeves.

What does this mean, exactly?

Getting married in my father's Manor - Gel -
(Vance hands her a bottle of hair gel)

Is this set in Old England, like back in time? If so, I'm not quite sure if they'd have gel to slick down hair.

EUDORA
And the worst bit is, is that she only married him for his money. The way she abuses him- you'd think he was her slave, not her husband! Vance - get my pearls will you?

lol, I love the unconscious comparison Eudora is making of her mother.

FIONA
That idiot gardener must have left the lawnmower on again. You know how those immigrants are.

Just lol.

Beat. Fiona notices what Eudora has done to Vance's hair.

I'm not sure what "beat" means. Does that mean, like a beat of time? For people who don't read scripts, this might trip them up :P

THE DOCTOR steps out, and looks around bemused.

THE DOCTOR
Right. Well Then then.


THEME SONG


Loved the ending :) And I truly do wish to know what happens next. You've done a really neat job on this script, it's really professional looking, and it even makes sense (hard to do with scripts sometimes :P). As I said earlier, the only things that really could be changed are the character cues, and perhaps at the beginning, a list of characters and their relationships. And perhaps a list of what the special script cues mean, like "FX" (which I was sure meant sound effect, but I now think I'm wrong :P).

The only other thing I'm questioning is the lack of all the other people at the Manor. Where are the other servants, where are the guests for the wedding, where are the bridesmaids and best men - why are the bride and groom together when it's traditional that the bride and groom do not see each other until the bride walks down the aisle?

:) Thanks for the fun little read! And I do hope you continue this series, or at least this episode. If you start to write a whole heap of really good scripts, you could always try and get in contact with the producers. It doesn't look like Doctor Who is slowing down any time soon (especially as when he dies [or whatever it is that happens] he is just replaced by another version of himself - meaning the stories could go on and on and on), and they are always going to need new scripts :D

- Jai, one of the Four Musketeers, at your service!

One for All! And All for One! Ye-ah!

EDIT:

I just noticed the title to this, and I have to say, well done! Well done using a saying and making it literal! I really can't wait to see what happens now! :P
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Thu Sep 16, 2010 2:54 am
Nephthys says...



Spoiler! :
Thanks very much for the review! I'll make the formatting a little clearer.

Eudora's outfits having 3/4 sleeves was supposed to suggest the type of character she is? Like the type of people who wear outfits like this all the time:
Image
But I'm thinking that only makes sense to me... :)

seeminglymeaningless wrote:Is this set in Old England, like back in time? If so, I'm not quite sure if they'd have gel to slick down hair.

I put "2013" in the first scene heading, but I guess I should really make it clearer!

seeminglymeaningless wrote:I'm not sure what "beat" means. Does that mean, like a beat of time?

Yep, that is exactly what "beat" means. I would write "pause" instead, but to me a pause seems longer than I wanted the "beat" to be.

seeminglymeaningless wrote:The only other thing I'm questioning is the lack of all the other people at the Manor. Where are the other servants, where are the guests for the wedding, where are the bridesmaids and best men

I was thinking of it as the morning, just before the guests arrive? I think I should probably say that. :) Also, Vance is more like Eudora's personal assistant. They probably don't have too many more staff (a chef, housekeeper and gardener probably?).

seeminglymeaningless wrote:I just noticed the title to this, and I have to say, well done! Well done using a saying and making it literal! I really can't wait to see what happens now!

This is a very pun-inspired script :) I think you will like the Time Flies!

The whole script is actually done, but I'm not sure if I should post the rest of it here, because it would take up like 12-14 chapters!

Thanks again for the lovely review!
Last edited by Nephthys on Wed Sep 22, 2010 2:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Thu Sep 16, 2010 4:14 am
seeminglymeaningless says...



Eudora's outfits having 3/4 sleeves was supposed to suggest the type of character she is?

:P lol, yeah, well when you mentioned 3/4th sleeves, I assumed something like this:
Image

I put "2013" in the first scene heading, but I guess I should really make it clearer!

omg, you did, sorry about that. I guess because of the language that your characters are using reminded me of periodic language; the usage of "love" as an endearment etc. And I honestly just assumed that this would be a "back in time" episode, not a "future" one.

I was thinking of it as the morning, just before the guests arrive? I think I should probably say that. :) Also, Vance is more like Eudora's personal assistant. They probably don't have too many more staff (a chef, housekeeper and gardener probably?).

Weddings are so hectic. My own mother's started an hour late, so the guests were at the place of the wedding before she was. The groom arrived in a helicopter and my mum on a quadbike, so the awesomeness of their arrivals made up the lateness. But basically I am wondering about why the groom and bride are helping each other get dressed when their bridesmaids/best men are traditionally supposed to be doing that.

The whole script is actually done, but I'm not sure if I should post the rest of it here, because it would take up like 12-14 chapters!

You could of course post some more here, like on this thread after a few people have commented on the beginning script. At the end of the above script you'd just need a hyperlink to the next section of script in this thread. That way you wouldn't be submitting so many chapters, and the whole script can be accessed on the same thread :)

- Jai
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Thu Sep 16, 2010 1:41 pm
Patch says...



Ooh, script format, interesting.

I'll start off by saying, most of the scripts I'm familiar with work in a different style, that is, they have the speakers name to the left followed by what they're saying, for example;

FIONA: Yes, I know dear, but I can't pronounce it. Vance!


Instead of

FIONA
Yes, I know dear, but I can't pronounce it. Vance!


You might want to look into the proper style of script-writing, as such a thing would probably be refused by any drama teacher outright, let alone a producer. However, the way you wrote it out was clear and easy to read and I am more familiar with stage scripts rather then television.

One thing you're missing is directions of tone, voice, behavior and such. You have one case of it, that is;

Eudora aggressively attacks his skull for emphasis


That's good, you need more directions which give emotions to characters. Possibly add in vocal tones or emotions that are meant to be voiced in lines.

I'm a little sad its so short, as right now there's not really much in it, but you have set up the scene and the characters well. I assume in the next part you will be explaining either more about the event going on, or showing us what this suspicious time flies do?
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Thu Sep 16, 2010 5:31 pm
Nephthys says...



Spoiler! :
seeminglymeaningless wrote:

Good idea! I'll post the next part soon :)

Patch wrote:I'll start off by saying, most of the scripts I'm familiar with work in a different style

Stage scripts and television scripts are very different. I would certainly be formatting it the way that you suggested if it were a stage script, but I've done quite a bit of research into the specific formatting of Doctor Who scripts (you can read one here) so I think I should stick to my original formatting. On YWS, I can't quite organize it properly, but I use a program called Celtx to organize it into screenplay format for me.

Patch wrote:One thing you're missing is directions of tone, voice, behavior and such.

Thanks for the suggestion. In screenplay writing, it's really important to be concise and never to state something that the reader could assume. Could you give me specific examples of when you didn't understand what tone the character would use?

Patch wrote:I assume in the next part you will be explaining either more about the event going on, or showing us what this suspicious time flies do?

Yep, there will be lots more :)
Last edited by Nephthys on Wed Sep 22, 2010 2:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Thu Sep 16, 2010 6:42 pm
Nephthys says...



PART 2


Spoiler! :
INT. PORTRAIT GALLERY - MYSTERY POV - DAY

The CREATURE watches EUDORA and VANCE from a corner. When someone approaches, it hides.

FX: Glowing golden humans. NOTE: The Doctor does NOT glow.

INTERCUT WITH:


INT. PORTRAIT GALLERY - DAY

EUDORA walks with VANCE. Creepy-looking portraits of long dead Hollands line the walls.

EUDORA
That
(She points at a painting)
Is my great-grandmother Wilhelmina Holland, Lady Tangin. During World War 2,
she single-handedly knitted enough socks for an entire regiment.

VANCE
But I thought...
(trying to hide his snicker)
wasn't she a...er... a woman of questionable virtue.

EUDORA
Everybody has to eat, Vance. And of course she renounced her profession as soon
as she married my great-grandfather. Anyway, that's not the point. The point
is that my mother is getting remarried. To a soft drink manufacturer.
For his money. What do you think Wilhelmina Holland would say about that?

VANCE
(Referring to his job, exasperated)
It's just not worth it.

EUDORA
Well, probably, yes. But I was thinking more on the lines of "disgraceful!"
Or something stern like that.


THE DOCTOR enters the portrait gallery at the opposite end from Eudora and Vance. He points his sonic screwdriver at a few of the portraits. No... No... No... He stops suddenly and looks up, noticing Eudora and Vance.

Eudora is unimpressed; Vance amused.

THE DOCTOR
Hello.


He goes back to his sonicking casually.

EUDORA
And who exactly are you?

THE DOCTOR
(Realizing that she's talking to him)
Well, I'm The Doctor actually.


He continues to examine the paintings, oblivious to Eudora's growing rage.

EUDORA
The Doctor? Doctor of what? Buffoonery? This is private property. Tours of the
estate are on Wednesdays and Thursdays at 3. This is a Friday, as you can
see from our "Tangin Manor" calendar, and we are about to have a wedding.
So, unless you are a Doctor of Divinity, I suggest-

THE DOCTOR
I am.

EUDORA
What?

THE DOCTOR
I am... in fact... a Doctor of Divinity.
(He holds up psychic paper)
See?

EUDORA
Oh. I'm so sorry father...

THE DOCTOR
Smith. Father Smith. And you are?

EUDORA
I apologize, Father Smith. I didn't expect you to come in through the side gate.


Vance snickers. Eudora gives him a Look over her shoulder.

EUDORA(CON'T)
I'm Eudora Holland. This is Vance Darlington, my... staff. The chapel is just this way.


CUT TO:


INT. PORTRAIT GALLERY (MYSTERY POV) - DAY

As they exit the Gallery, the CREATURE comes out of hiding and heads for the other exit.

FX: Glowing golden humans.

CUT TO:


EXT. TANGIN MANOR GARDENS - DAY

THE DOCTOR and EUDORA, with VANCE following, head for the chapel.

EUDORA
The estate is very old - it dates back to the seventeenth century. The house
boasts a number of architectural triumphs, including the Diagonal Parlour
and the Versailles Room.


She continues the tour guide act, trying to tactfully maneuver her way to the subject of her mother's marriage. The Doctor is distracted.

EUDORA
Father Smith, I feel that it's my duty to let you know that the woman
that you are about to marry has already been married - and her husband
has been dead hardly more than a year.

THE DOCTOR
Well, you know what they say - the second time's the charm.

VANCE
Actually, I think that would be third time.

THE DOCTOR
Really?


Vance nods. The Doctor shrugs. Eudora is annoyed at being interrupted. She continues.

EUDORA
And I'm sure you know of the proud Holland family tradition of mourning
a spouse for at least two years after their death. Besides, she's really
far too mentally unstable to enter into any kind of partnership...

THE DOCTOR
If there were a law against mentally unstable spouses, I doubt anyone
would
ever get married.

Eudora stops walking, and confronts The Doctor - she can see that her subtlety is not working.

EUDORA
Listen- my mother is using her fiance for his money. You can't allow her to marry him!

THE DOCTOR
Why not? Money's a perfectly good reason for getting married.


Eudora gets more and more frustrated. She tries to think of another reason. And fails.

EUDORA
She's... she's a fire breathing alien from outer space!


For a moment it seems as if The Doctor will be concerned about this. Beat. Then he shrugs.

THE DOCTOR
Nonsense! The fire-breathing kind never bother with you Earth lot.


Eudora gives Vance an exasperated look and they enter the chapel. The wedding march starts.
Last edited by Nephthys on Wed Sep 22, 2010 2:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Mon Sep 20, 2010 1:56 am
Nephthys says...



PART 3


Spoiler! :
INT. TANGIN MANOR CHAPEL - DAY

The FAMILY and FRIENDS of the Hollands are gathered in a small chapel for the wedding. A large WOMAN IN PINK sobs into her handkerchief.

A bored looking elderly COUPLE in black stare blank-faced at the bridal party.

COUSIN AGATHA is impressed with the expensive decor. She remarks to her HUSBAND (referring to the red-carpeted aisle and shimmery ceiling fabric)

COUSIN AGATHA
At least something about this wedding is tasteful.


EUDORA and VANCE sit on a pew; Vance amused, Eudora certainly not.

THE DOCTOR is marrying FIONA and FREDERIC.

CUT TO:


INT. WEDDING CHAPEL - EUDORA'S POV

We see THE DOCTOR marrying FIONA and FREDERIC from Eudora's POV. She switches between paying attention to the ceremony and examining her skirt, so we only see and hear parts of it clearly.

THE DOCTOR
...to join these two sentient beings under the universal laws of the Shadow
Proclamation ... until death, regeneration or transportation to an alternate
universe do you part?

FIONA
I do.

FREDERIC
I -uh- do.

THE DOCTOR
Lovely. Good. That's very good. Well, go on- Celebrate!


CUT TO:


INT. RECEPTION HALL - DAY

The GUESTS are drinking Fun Punch(The brand of soft drink invented by Frederic) and mingling.

EUDORA and VANCE are not. They sit on a bench off to one side of the party. Eudora glares at the boisterous crowd.

EUDORA
What is wrong with these people? They're behaving like animals!

Vance has a bottle of the stuff, which he attempts to surreptitiously sip. Eudora admonishes him without even turning around.

EUDORA
Vance! Don't encourage this.


The party gets even louder. Eudora notices THE DOCTOR looking out of place and suspiciously sonicking the GUESTS.

EUDORA
(Under her breath)
There's something abnormal about that priest.
(To Vance)
Go see what's wrong with him.

Vance sighs and stands up.
CUT TO:


INT. RECEPTION HALL - DAY

FIONA and FREDERIC entertain their GUESTS, including the WOMAN IN PINK and COUSIN AGATHA. She can smell money a mile away and looks like a horse.
WOMAN IN PINK
It's terrible about those children - just disappeared without
a sign! And the Jones' place is only a mile or so from here!***

COUSIN AGATHA
Let's not be so depressing, dear! This is a wedding after all.
(She laughs obnoxiously)
Frederic, do tell us about your business.

FREDERIC
Well...I... everything's going quite well, I think.

COUSIN AGATHA
Oh, really dear- there's no need to be so modest! we've been
hearing all about your awards and record breaking sales.

FREDERIC
That's very kind of you. Fun Punch does quite well, but I would
hardly say record breaking.

FIONA
Nonsense! Frederic's company earned more than Pepsi last year,
you know. It seems he's found quite a niche in the beverage industry.
And we were talking the other day about perhaps expanding even more...

CUT TO:


INT. RECEPTION HALL - DAY

VANCE approaches THE DOCTOR, while EUDORA sulks in the background.

VANCE
Excuse me sir, can I help you?

THE DOCTOR
With what?

VANCE
Er...
(He looks back at Eudora, and she
gestures impatiently for him to continue)
You appear to be looking for something.

THE DOCTOR
Well, if you want to know a secret-
(Vance nods)
My spaceship headed way off its course and landed here, indicating
that there is a major space-time anomaly at this house- and I'm
trying to figure out what it could possibly be. You haven't noticed
anything well... unusual around here, have you?


Vance looks back at Eudora, and shrugs. A buzzing noise starts.

VANCE
Do you hear that?

THE DOCTOR
It sounds like...

VANCE, EUDORA, THE DOCTOR
Buzzing...

CUT TO:


INT. HALLWAY (MYSTERY POV) - DAY

THE CREATURE is outside the reception hall. It flies in.

FX: It sees dozens of golden-glowing GUESTS, and The Doctor not glowing.

CUT TO:


INT. RECEPTION HALL - DAY

EUDORA, VANCE and THE DOCTOR turn to watch as a TIME FLY enters the hall. It moves slowly
- then suddenly zooms forward, attaches itself to COUSIN AGATHA's wrist, and begins to feed!

FX: A golden light bubble appears, surrounding the fly. A dome on the Fly's back begins to fill with golden light.

VANCE
What is that?


Eudora and Vance approach Cousin Agatha, cautiously.

EUDORA
Agatha, there's something on you.


The guests continue to party, oblivious.

Agatha does not respond to Eudora, but continues her conversation with the WOMAN IN PINK.

VANCE
She can't hear us.

EUDORA
(Beat)
What is it doing to her?

VANCE
I don't know! It looks like it's...feeding.
(they both shudder)
We have to get it off of her!


Eudora is horrified at the prospect of touching it.

VANCE
Come on, someone's got to help her! At least there's only one of it.


Two more TIME FLIES enter the room and latch themselves onto GUESTS. Eudora and Vance watch as a swarm of flies appears, buzzing and ticking.

VANCE
Or not.


Eudora reaches out a tentative hand to pull the fly off Agatha.

THE DOCTOR appears from halfway across the room, and slaps it back.

EUDORA
Ow!

THE DOCTOR
Don't! Touch that, and it will feed on you.

EUDORA
What is it?

THE DOCTOR
A Time Fly.

EUDORA
Excuse me?

THE DOCTOR
Time Flies when you're having fun.
(he smiles strangely)

EUDORA
But that's just a saying...


The Doctor gives her a Look. She will never say that again.

VANCE
What do we do? It's eating her!

THE DOCTOR
No, it's eating her life force. That's much worse.


Eudora and Vance look on as Agatha's roots slowly begin to grow out, grey. The Guests' hair begins to grow, and wrinkles begin to appear very slowly. Agatha's face begins to lose its firmness.

EUDORA
Her botox is wearing off. Oh my god, she's aging!

THE DOCTOR
Well of course she is. It's eating away at all her time.


Eudora and Vance continue to watch, fascinated but horrified. The Doctor looks around the room, checking to see how many people are being attacked by Time Flies- everyone except Vance, Eudora and himself. Vance snaps out of it.

VANCE
So those things are eating time?

THE DOCTOR
No, no, no! They don't eat time, they just swallow it.


Vance and Eudora confused.
THE DOCTOR
They don't eat time, they eat FUN time.
(Beat. They're still not getting it.)
It's like this scone here.


The Doctor goes over the refreshments table, and stuffs a scone in his mouth. He tries to talk around it.

THE DOCTOR (CON'T)
I eat it for the delicious sconey-goodness, but then there're
those pesky raisins.
(He spits one out)
See?

EUDORA
What do raisins have to do with anything?

THE DOCTOR
I can spit them out- but a Time Fly can't.

VANCE
(excitedly)
Oh, so the scone is the fun, and the raisins are the time.

THE DOCTOR
Err, yes. Basically, the Time Fly can't digest the time it
ingests, so it all gets stored in here.
(Pointing to the dome on the Time Fly's back)
If the canister is not removed, and too much time is ingested,
it explodes. So0 it needs a friend to unscrew the canister every
once in a while. They're robots, but they were never designed
to function without their creator; there has to be someone
helping them out.

VANCE
But who?

Everyone looks around suspiciously.

EUDORA
It doesn't matter who. We've got to do something. Those things
are eating my family!


A few more TIME FLIES trickle in into the hall. They buzz on the spot for a few seconds, then begin to move towards The Doctor and gang.

THE DOCTOR
Well, considering the crowd of them that just flew in here looking
for some tasty humans, I'd say our best option would be to - RUN.


***NOTE: This part is not important to the episode, just to the overall season arc :)
Last edited by Nephthys on Wed Sep 22, 2010 2:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Mon Sep 20, 2010 2:21 pm
seeminglymeaningless says...



Back again! Sorry I took so long. I just honestly forgot that you were updating on this thread (like I suggested), and I feel awful for forgetting :( Just nudge our WRFF thread to make us move, or send a PM.

VANCE
But I thought...
(trying to hide his snicker)
wasn't she a...er... a woman of questionable virtue.

This seems like a weird thing for a manservant to say. It doesn't fit the image I have of him being obedient and quiet, the way he was in Part One.

VANCE
(Referring to his job, exasperated)
It's just not worth it.

I'm not sure if the audience would understand that he's referring to his job. Without the prompt, I wouldn't have guessed that was what he meant.

THE DOCTOR
I am... in fact... a Doctor of Divinity.
(He holds up psychic paper)
See?

Just lol.

EUDORA
She's... she's a fire breathing alien from outer space!


For a moment it seems as if The Doctor will be concerned about this. Beat. Then he shrugs.

I love your style of writing. It's so quirky.

Well, I enjoyed this part, sorry that this review is not very helpful. The things that caught my attention:

1) Why was Doctor Who wandering the halls without stealth?
2) If he was looking for something, why would he allow himself to be lead away?
3) Why didn't Eudora ask why he was carrying a screwdriver?
4) Why was Eudora walking the hallways in the first place?
5) Where are all the other guests, surely there should be people around helping to get everything prepared, caterers etc.

And that's about it! :D

On to the next part :)

- Jai, on behalf of 1/4th of the Four Musketeers!
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Mon Sep 20, 2010 2:36 pm
seeminglymeaningless says...



Here I go :)

THE DOCTOR is marrying FIONA and FREDERIC.

What happened to the real priest?

VANCE
Excuse me sir, can I help you?

THE DOCTOR
With what?

lol I'm in love with your portrayal of the Doctor :P

EUDORA, VANCE and THE DOCTOR turn to watch as a TIME FLY enters the hall. It moves slowly
- then suddenly zooms forward, attaches itself to COUSIN AGATHA's wrist, and begins to feed!

I'm not sure if it's appropriate for scripts to use exclamation marks in the directions?

THE DOCTOR
A Time Fly.

EUDORA
Excuse me?

THE DOCTOR
Time Flies when you're having fun.
(he smiles strangely)

Love this. Absolutely do.

EUDORA
What do raisins have to do with anything?

THE DOCTOR
I can spit them out- but a Time Fly can't.

I am so confused :P But only because I'm utterly fascinated with your characters.

[you're missing the beginning bold tag here]THE DOCTOR[/b]
Err, yes. Basically, the Time Fly can't digest the time it
ingests, so it all gets stored in here.
(Pointing to the dome on the Time Fly's back)
If the canister is not removed, and too much time is ingested,
it explodes. So0 it needs a friend to unscrew the canister every
once in a while.

The only mistakes I have found so far.

Awesome third part. Really really looking forward to part four. If I could keep on "liking" this, I certainly would!

- Jai!
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Tue Sep 21, 2010 2:26 am
Nephthys says...



seeminginglymeaningless wrote:


Thanks for the feedback :)
I noticed a problem with continuity in part 4, but it should be done soon.
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Tue Sep 21, 2010 10:14 am
skutter11 says...



So, if you don't mind me asking, which Doctor did you write this for? Remeber that each Doctor has his own personality and such, so if it is for a future Doctor, he is a bit too similar to David Tennant. Also, about the children mentioned in the script, in Doctor Who, it is very rare for children OF ANY RACE to be harmed in any way.

Still, you've got a good story going on and quite a good air of mystery.

About the structure, I'm sure this has been mentioned before, but the traditional way of script structure is easy to read, you know. For example:

"Arthur: Ford, theres an Infinite amount of monkeys out here that want to show us this script for Hamlet they've worked out.
Ford: Arthur, this is incredible..." (Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy)

Anyway, this is a well thought out story and I enjoyed reading it!

Keep writing ;)
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Tue Sep 21, 2010 8:08 pm
Rydia says...



Heya! Sorry about the delay on this, I expected to have more time yesterday but got distracted XD I like this. There's some stuff that I'm not quite sure about but in general it's a well put together piece. I was a little annoyed that it started on a wedding XD There's so many weddings in Dr. Who that I always groan inwardly when yet another episode starts up like that. What about some funerals? Why aren't there more funerals, huh? Plenty of dying but everyone seems to get married instead ;)

I'll just comment as I go along and try to sum up my thoughts at the end :)

INT. FIONA'S DRESSING ROOM - DAY

Lady FIONA Tangin, 50, and FREDERIC, 54 prepare for their wedding. Fiona adjusts Frederic's bow tie and generally bustles around him; Frederic is slightly muddled.
Seeing the wife before the wedding? Seems a little odd, if they're a well to do couple as you suggest, they should have seperate rooms and their own 'wedding helpers'. It's interesting that the male is the one not yet ready, I like that. Maybe you could make this a split scene so they're both in different rooms and it flicks back and forth while they're both getting ready?

First Character Impressions

A little typical of an old married couple, the quiet, closed mouth man and the gobby wife but you've got a few good lines there. Maybe just a little something to give Frederic more personality? Or to give us a hint of how he's feeling, he's going to be signing his life away today and to someone he isn't well suited for by the look of that. Any regrets? Last minute escape routes?

Vance

I think the audience are going to be confused! They won't have the benefit of reading the script and with this dialogue, Vance comes across as being her husband or perhaps her brother. There's nothing that picks him out for certain as a servant. Also, why is she fixing the servant's hair? That makes no sense at all! It's just completely wrong, even a very well liked servant. It isn't appropriate and I'm sure he can fix it himself.

INT. HALLWAY - MYSTERY POV - DAY
The CREATURE watches VANCE as he moves towards the door.

FX: From the POV of The Creature, humans look as if they're glowing with golden light.


I like the glowing humans and the none glowing doctor idea. An interesting effect to give them, I think that would work nicely.

EUDORA
Mum!
I'd like you to state the tone more often. Give the actos some indication of how these characters should speak, how they act.

XD Love the gardener conversation! Very nicely done.

EUDORA
That
(She points at a painting)
Is my great-grandmother Wilhelmina Holland, Lady Tangin. During World War 2,
she single-handedly knitted enough socks for an entire regiment.
This conversation is too much for the reader. Vance would certainly already know this so you need to phrase it differently. Make it more like: 'Take my great-grandmother Wilhelmina Holland, Lady Tangin. (Waves vaguely at one of the paintings.) Single-handedly knitted enough socks for an entire regiment! That was World War two, remember?'

VANCE
But I thought...
(trying to hide his snicker)
wasn't she a...er... a woman of questionable virtue.
This would be funnier if it was more to himself. And more in character I think too. Until now, he's taken everything very casually, while this is hugely inappropriate. That's a big jump in character.

Liking the introduction of the Doctor but big question... which one? He doesn't feel like the new one, not at all so maybe we're going back a Doctor or two? I think you need to let us know that at the beginning of the script ^^

[center]EUDORA(CON'T)
I'm Eudora Holland. This is Vance Darlington, my... staff. The chapel is just this way.
Oh surely she's more self important than that! Too mild, too easily culled. What happened to all that haughtiness? I was expecting soemthing along the lines of, 'Well I'm Eudora Holland of course! Vance here is part of the staff, come along then, I don't expect you'll know the way.'

THE DOCTOR
Why not? Money's a perfectly good reason for getting married.[/center]
XD Love this line! Not sure if it fits any of the Doctors, it's too serious for some, not enough for others. It's a good line though ^^

THE DOCTOR
...to join these two sentient beings under the universal laws of the Shadow
Proclamation ... until death, regeneration or transportation to an alternate
universe do you part?
Wow. Really? I love it but it doesn't fit your time plan, we're only a few years into the future and if it's the Doctor being sloppy, it isn't like the Doctor to not know what time he's in. Also there'd be more reaction. Where's the priest anyway and how does he know this speech? Usually when he's doing things like this, we get a line of explanation as an aside to the latest companion. That there's my other question. No companion yet? I'm guessing he'll pick up Vance and Eudora. I kind of hope he doesn't though. I don't particularly like either of them and they're not interesting enough to put up with despite not liking them. They can get eaten by time flies please? XD

[center]VANCE
Come on, someone's got to help her! At least there's only one of it.
This line sounds really forced, especially the latter part. There isn't enough sense of surprise/ panic right now and I'm still looking for a character to like/ to want to survive. That's quite important in Doctor Who, he needs someone worth saving ^^

Time Flies

I like the concept of them and the whole explanation kaboodle, very nice so far. Can they be doing more than just standing and chatting though? Doctor Who is a lot about action, during their most important conversations, they tend to be playing with sonic screwdrivers, or fixing something, trying to force a door. Just a little something to build some tension into your scene.

Overall then? I think it has promise, despite starting at a wedding lol. I just wish I liked the characters better? I'm sure that was intentional, mind, but you couldn't throw in at least one character that I don't want to smush against the wall? XD Anyway, good start and I wouldn't mind reading more of this so you must be doing something right. The layout's pretty nifty, not quite what I'm used to seeing in scripts but interesting. Work on those tones and action lines and get in touch if you post another part :)

Heather xxx
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Wed Sep 22, 2010 2:43 pm
Nephthys says...



skutter11 wrote:

Kitty15 wrote:


Thanks very much for the helpful suggestions!

A couple of the things that you mentioned should explain themselves away in future parts, but I can see that I have a lot of work to do.

It really worried me that neither of you knew which Doctor I was writing for, since I focused quite a bit on making him like Matt Smith :( I think I need to work on Smithing up the lines a bit. Maybe if I include more stage directions you'll understand better how it's supposed to sound like Matt Smith.

Also, I was surprised that you thought I purposely made Eudora and Vance unlikeable, because I actually love them to death! A couple of my friends also mentioned that they weren't the most likeable characters, but I thought that it was just because my friends are weird. :)

Can you tell me what it is that makes them so unlikeable to you, and how I could go about making them more widely appreciated?

Thanks! :)
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Wed Sep 22, 2010 10:28 pm
Rydia says...



I was meant to like them? XD

I disliked Vance because there wasn't much to him. He came across as an obedient, easily controlled man and seemed to lack any words or thoughts of his own. Maybe that will change later but currently, I just hated the way he was having his hair done and fetching and carrying. And just doing it. There was no personality to the way he carried it all out. There wasn't any sneakily handing her a brush instead of a comb or purposefully misunderstanding her. On the other side of the scale, he didn't seem pleased to be doing it either.

Eudora was too much a typical haughty, spoiled rich girl for my liking. She's lazy and thinks she's better than she is. She's spiteful and controlling. I just don't see what there is to like? What favourable traits does she have?
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