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Atomization (Part Five)



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Fri Aug 13, 2010 2:14 am
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Vasticity says...



INT. ITALIAN RESTURAUNT-DAY

Nathaniel walks up to a table in the middle of a resturaunt. A few employees are shouting things in Italian. Nathaniel takes his seat, and Alan enters the resturaunt, walks to the table, and joins Nathaniel.

NATHANIEL
(While picking up and reading the menu)
I've brought you here so that we can discuss a few things about the structure

ALAN
All right.


Nathaniel is about to speak, but is interrupted by their waiter.

WAITER
(With thick Italian accent)
Hello, my friends. What can I get you today?

ALAN
Uh, just a cup of coffee for me, thanks.

WAITER
And for you, sir?

NATHANIEL
I'll have a kiwi Italian soda, and the small dish of Fusilli Bucati.


WAITER
Very good, sir.


The waiter takes their menus, and walks away. He shouts the two orders in Italian, and walks into the kitchen.

NATHANIEL
All right. You know the function of the machine. You know why I want it. You know how it works. That's all the basics. But to truly understand it, you have to realize the purpose behind its creation. What do you think? Why did my brother build the MED?

ALAN
Er... Money, like you?

NATHANIEL
No! My brother had one simple wish that I knew about for his whole life.

ALAN
(After a slight pause)
Which is?

NATHANIEL
To be remembered. A simple wish that we've all dreamed of achieving. Who hasn't wanted to be the next big musician, or actor? It's something we're all prone to being interested in, and I'll tell you why. It's because of human nature. For some strange reason, it's in our heart of hearts to be someone. And I'd say only 10% of people achieve that goal. You see what I'm getting at?

ALAN
Yeah, pretty much.

NATHANIEL
(Clears throat)
All right, so on to different things. The people whom I've hired, you, Logan, Cassidy, Sandra, all have taken an interest in the MED. Why? Who's to say they can't get killed? They don't take in the fact that this machine could be dangerous. What brought them here? What brought... you here?

ALAN
I love movies.

NATHANIEL
Now that's a correct answer. Your love for films and filmmaking is so great, it brought four of you to me. And when I actually explained what the machine does, you gained even more interest, right?

ALAN
(Almost as though he is ashamed)
Yeah, to be honest.

NATHANIEL
(Nods)
Come on, who hasn't dressed up like a character from a movie and wanted to be that person?

ALAN
Well, of course everybody's dreamed of that.


Nathaniel nods.

ALAN
When they were ten.

NATHANIEL
(Sighs)
Don't you see? You're putting yourself in denial just because you think you have to. You're not motivated by anyone but yourself, Alan, but you let society choose who you are. And tell me honestly, what kind of a life is that? Hasn't a crazy situation ever just come up in front of you and you didn't think about what the consequences might be? Sometimes... you don't think about it. And sometimes that's a decision for the better.

ALAN
You're acting very desperate to keep me here, Nathaniel.

NATHANIEL
(Chuckles)
I'm not forcing you into anything, Alan.

ALAN
Then what are you doing?

NATHANIEL
...I'm just asking you to take a chance.


The waiter returns with their meal. He puts the coffee cup in front of Alan, and he puts the Italian soda cup and the meal in front of Nathaniel.

WAITER
Enjoy.


The waiter walks off into the kitchen.

I know it seems short and unimportant, but it becomes a plot device later on, trust me. I think I'm going to change a few things around, because it doesn't fit right the way I want it to.
And the angel said unto him, “stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself.” But lo, he could not stop, for the angel was hitting him with his own hands.
  





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Gender: Female
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Mon Aug 16, 2010 2:38 pm
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Jetpack says...



Hi, Vasticity. This will be the first time I've ever posted in the Scripts forum, but I've been following this and the fact that it's been popping up on the "Items with 0 Comments" list for the last few days has been bugging me. So as I have next to no idea how a script is set out, I figure I'll just comment on the dialogue. Some of it doesn't seem as realistic as it could be, so I'll nitpick.

No! My brother had one simple wish that I knew about for his whole life.


This is really awkward. I guess dialogue to be spoken is different from dialogue to be read, but I can't even imagine anyone saying this in quite this way. So far, all we've had is Nathaniel trying to pick up the pieces of what Alan's left behind, and it's all quite mysterious, so I can understand why Nathaniel's adding "that I knew about", but it sounds like an afterthought. Consider cutting it.

It's something we're all prone to being interested in, and I'll tell you why.


Again, I find this somewhat awkward. How about just "prone to want" or "interested in" without the preceding words? Nathaniel seems to be on a roll, and even to have planned a little of this conversation before, so the awkwardness surprises me.

Who's to say they can't get killed? They don't take in the fact that this machine could be dangerous. What brought them here? What brought... you here?


Does Nathaniel address all of this to Alan? I find it odd that he's talking about the person he's sitting with in the third person, though I think you intended it. Does he look away at this point? It might be an idea to include that in the stage directions.

And when I actually explained what the machine does, you gained even more interest, right?


I don't think anyone really uses "gained" in this context. Try, "you got even more interested, right?" Or, "you were even more interested, right?"

I'd also watch that Nathaniel doesn't get overly dramatic, because he's verging on it with the speeches about human nature to someone he still doesn't know very well, apparently. Even if that's his personality, it's getting a bit preachy. Alan, on the other hand, is very well drawn; I get the idea he's just agreeing for the sake of argument.

I have to say, I'm lost as to the point of this scene, for now, unless the waiters turn out to be from the Mafia. *waits for next instalment*

- Jet.
  








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